One of my favorite things

A transistor radio- I got this from my grandpa after he died. I love this little radio. Some nights when I can't sleep I lay in bed listening, playing, seeing where the farthest away radio station is I can pick up. I can almost always get KCBS AM out of San Francisco, KGO AM out of San Jose, and KKOH AM out of Reno Nevada- all are news stations. I'm in Southern California, so that is awesome. The radio however doesn't pick up AM radio stations out of Los Angeles well that have strong signals like KFI AM 640, KNX 1070 AM, and KFWB 980 AM.

Velvet Rage on dads and war

On the way back from OKC I read the book Velvet Rage, which Creative Thinker recommended in his blog.

Creative Thinker does a great job breaking down each section of the book and setting it up, but I wanted to elaborate on the parts that struck me. I thought it was a good book, but not everything applied to me because I'm still not out. It did help me see that I am happy for the mostpart in my life because I have managed to avoid a lot of the destruction/esteem issues that the book talks about which gay men face, but see how if I were to pursue guys could avoid a lot of destruction gay men face.

It hurt me to see how my dad and I have had such a hard time relating to each other. We act so different, have such different ideas, have different personalities, senses of humor, and he's more reserved than me. He is very stoic, not one to open up about anything, whereas as you can see here in this blog, I'm very open about everything in my life and I love to chat about everything. I can see in the past year I am one who will stand up for my beliefs and take a stand, whereas my dad will do other things when he gets upset and tends to write a letter to the person, I am getting to the point where I have no problem saying why I'm upset and taking a stand. I'm much more talkative than my dad. I think I show a fun/loving side that I never saw from my dad, which I think is partly because I don't want to be like my dad who doesn't show emotion, who doesn't show all the concern I do.

Last year my dad went to his first army reunion with the men he was in Vietnam with. He reconnected with them after 37 years. My dad was not the emotional type and he never opened up about anything. My mom always said my dad had a hard time and that it was always a "Vietnam sickness." My mom blamed my dad about that for communication issues he has, how he doesn't necessarily tell everyone everything going on in his life, how he doesn't seem so connected to people, how he keeps his distance, how he won't face the problem head on, and for how he builds up his anger that bothers everyone in the family. I could use many painful examples from my life where this is true and how it could be that I'm not close to my dad because of this. I realize that I don't have any of those qualities... I'll tackle the problem head on, I like to be connected to people, and whatnot.

I began to realize in the past year that a lot about my dad also relates to emotions. In Vietnam my dad was forced to suppress a lot of emotions. By going to the reunion and through e-mail with my dad's Vietnam buddies he has became a different person. I did see my dad break down and cry at the reunion when the men were talking once. I heard the stories of war. My dad on the way back said that he has been healed and he has been able to deal with a lot of issues that have plagued him for so long. I saw a new side of my dad. When my dad returned home I saw an attitude change where he treated my mom a whole lot better and he opened up and was more sentimental. There wasn't abuse or anything going on in the family priort to my dad going to his reunion, but if my mom said something, after the reunion he was more sentimental, he seemed like he cared, he offered advice. Before it was just yeah, honey I hear you, a disconnect. My dad even opened up more about his life. I have learned a lot about his years growing up, some stories from Vietnam, just a whole new side of him - - a more emotional side.

I am not close to my dad, don't think I will ever be, but I have seen a changed man in the past year and I credit a lot of this to being able to confront problems he faced in Vietnam and come to grips with emotions thanks to meeting these men again. My dad has opened up more, my dad has been more like a father figure in that when I do have a problem I can tell him something and get feedback. I'm thankful for this, but to have that confirmed in the book was so nice. It said, "to start with our fathers were raised, as we were, to be tough, stable, and emotionally detached. On top of that, many of them were veterans of wars that forced them at a young age to suppress their emotions and to commit unspeakable acts against humanity in the name of patriotism. In sum, many of our fathers grew up in a culture that offered them power in exchange for stoicism and buried emotion" (p 14).

I was thinking on the plane had the internet been as popular and there 15 years ago, if everyone was online, my dad could have connected with his old buddies, began the healing process, opened up more, and maybe I would have a different relationship with him. Maybe he would have showed more of an interest in me (I'm not saying he didn't when I was young because I know he did and he did love me and showed his interest in me, just not in the ways I gues I wanted or been there in ways I had expected), but that maybe he would have been there in more ways and taken a more active role in parenting. My mom was the parent who was the main one involved in raising- she punished us kids when we were little, she checked our homework, all of that. My dad was the one who cooked dinner, would read bedtime stories to my sister and I, and would tickle us endlessly when my sister and I ganged up on him when we were kids. My dad is not a bad man, no, I'm not trying to defend him. He is a great teacher, smart guy, but he does have flaws. I do see how he is a great guy and how he was a good dad, but my focus of this post is how he was not the emotional type and the type of dad I was longing for to shower and hug me, and how I saw through reading this book he has changed in the past year, but also how Vietnam probably had an effect on him.

We got along for the mostpart, but we have not had a great relationship. We have had many fights over the years that have not been pretty. We yell at each other. I admit I used to go out of my way to tick him off and make him mad. I know what I did was wrong and I am willing to acknowledge it, but I can see how a lot of it was out of rage, rage for him not being the caring guy, not being there. I remember a lot of the fights we had was because how he wasn't interested in my mom, how I was worried about divorce, so I would in return treating him badly. I think my parents marriage in the past year has really improved and they have been married over 30 years. Now, my dad and I fight over things like his lack of organization, then the last big fight was about my sister's lack of responsibility, so I see how I have changed also and am picking battles I see as important.

I am not trying to get anyone to take pity on me here, far from that, I'm just sharing thoughts that came into my head while reading the book and telling about a few little events in my chioldhood. What has happened has happened, I can accept that, and have. I am content where I am today. I understand that there were many factors that went into the relationship we had and overall he was not a bad dad, just not the emotional type/showering type I guess I wanted. I know my dad is a good guy deep down. Anytime I need/still need money, he is there. That is one of the ways he shows love. Anytime I have a car problem, he is the one who will try to troubleshoot it. I am just seeing how things could have been different and the book opened my eyes to be able to reflect and see how he has changed in this past year after seeing his army buddies and swapping stories.

I can picture how things could have been different and how maybe he would have been more relatable if my dad had been able to deal with army experiences earlier. I could see that maybe my dad would have been there to teach me to play baseball and encourage me to join little league and all of that little boy stuff. My uncle from Rockford Illinois was the one who taught me to play baseball. I remember getting report cards and my dad would say "I'm proud of you" and leaving it at that. Just in the past year, even though now I'm college I see he acts totally different. He says stuff like "that's great, I know it is much tougher in college," then he'll usually ask about the tougher classes I take and where I went wrong. I see him more interested- whether this is a result of him opening up and being better able to show interest/happiness because he saw his Vietnam buddies I don't know, I can only guess this is a factor and it has only started in the past year, so I can think it may be that. He has shown a new concern I have never seen. I can see how in a year our relationship has got better, but also how it probably will never be great, and not the emotional relationship I crave.

It is sad that because of reasons like war, "most of us grew into our young adulthoods without having had a truly loving, honest, and safe relationship with a man" (p 14). We went to our mothers, I know I did because she "over-validated us to compensate for the betrayal she saw us suffer" (p 15). Maybe I would have felt more comfortable going to my dad to talk, rather than going to my mom. I am closer to my mom. When I got a report card she was excited, call the whole family, brag to friends, and the like. I like that validation, and validation is something everyone needs, so I see why/how my relationship with my mom has prospered. My dad and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things still, but I do see how and why this could have happened, and how things could have been different. I know my dad loved me, but I didn't get the love I feel and saw from my mother. My dad provided a different love. A mom's love I guess is more showering and praising, help, nurture her kids. Whereas with a dad you see he loves you by doing things for you, slipping you money when you need it, helping fix your car, but that is not what I wanted, needed from my dad, and I would argue so many of us needed another kind, more emotional, the same love from our fathers as our mothers gave us because what "you craved from him was love, affection, and tenderness. As we have seen, what most of us received from our fathers was far less" (p124).

I just can't help but wonder how my dad and my relationship could have been different if he could have tackled these emotions earlier from Vietnam, would he provided that loving, emotional attention I so desperately wanted from him? Would him and I have had all those fights we did years back? What would have been different? Would I be a different person today because of that?

Time for photos... a look at my day

Trying to learn to use my new phone and decided to play with the camera today...











Olive Garden with the family... unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch... yum!!!!

















My mom said she would treat the family to See's Candies after lunch... got 1/4 pound of key lime truffles...













Dealt with the lunch hour traffic on the freeway as I headed to school...













Trekked 1/2 mile from the parking lot, under the freeway overpass, and into campus (can you believe we have to walk 1/2 mile to campus from the parking lot?!) I pay $84.00 a quarter for a parking pass, the least they could do was provide a shuttle... let us park closer...















Got really restless sitting in the desk and bored... I MEAN REALLY BORED and decided to trace my hand. Remember doing that as a little kid and how fun it was? I was reexploring my creative childhood side today... yessum.

Why? Why am I gay/bi/straight whatever?

I like The Guy a lot and don't want to lose him. I like him as a friend and well a friend with benefits. I won't lie. That's pretty much where we're at.

I've just been kinda thinking today as I did stuff around the house. I have read all about what makes a person gay, different theories, different stuff like a certain part of the brain is larger, everyone is a blank slate, etc. Well, I was trying to think back and think when I was first attracted to men and women just because....

Perhaps my sister has a lot to do with it. She was always wanting me to play Barbies with her when I was little. I never did. I'd use the garage in her dollhouse to play cars. I never wanted to play dollhouse. Car-house yes... hah... like that? Anyways, I can remember being little and daydreaming about having a brother to play with and all of the things we could have done. All of my friends had brothers, they were cool, got along, played videogames together, went places together, did stuff. All of them got along great and seemed to agree on everything; whether that was true or not, who cares, why ruin my fantasy when I was a child to have a brother? It really hurt me that I didn't have a brother and I felt out of place. I still want a brother badly. I mean to be there to do guy things, have a brother close in age... when we were little we could have played hot wheels and video games... then as we were in our teen years could have spotted hot girls together... went to the movies together with friends... I am dwelling on the fact I didn't have a brother, but this was a major thing when I was a kid and I remember telling my parents a lot that I wanted a brother. There was a lot you could do with a brother you can't do with a sister... I mean even like language... clean language around a girl... no playing out in the dirt... I lacked a lot of male interaction around the house. Maybe that's why I like guys... I crave that attention that I missed as a kid. Even just sitting with a guy watching a movie is fun because you can oooh and aaaah together about the action, special effects, stuff like that. Whereas when you're with a girl, it is like wasn't that a sweet story? I'm so glad that Johnny and Sue are together... that was sweet. Yes, I can be suckered into watch a chick flick, but that is not my point. My point is outside of my male friends I lacked anyone to talk to about movies etc. My dad isn't into that type of fun stuff... I didn't have a brother to talk to...

My dad and I have never been really close. I know he loves me. I just know my dad wasn't a typical dad- he wasn't Mr. Fix It. He was Mr. Try to Fix It, which never came off as cool as all the other dad's. Anyways, he never had me in sports or anything like all the other dad's. He never taught me to play football, soccer, etc. He is a good guy, don't get me wrong, but I feel that he could have done more to get me involved and help foster my masculinity and teach me guy stuff. I'm not saying I'm not masculine because I feel I am, but I'm saying that he never seemed as in and as cool as all the other dad's. Maybe it is because this goes back to male attention... I feel my dad could have done more and been there more to get me more involved and done guy things with me.

I do remember random things when I was little like taking swimming lessons at the community college and going in the guys and girls locker room because I was young enough to do both. The guys locker room always interested me I guess because the guys in there seemed so cool. I mean the guys I remember were showering, laughing, talking, stuff like that and that stuck with me. In the women's locker room I remember there were booths with like little partitions and curtains and it just seemed blah... but was it this that made me interested in guys? I don't know... I don't know if this has any relevancy... I'm just bouncing some random thoughts that have been in my head lately.

In middle school and high school the locker rooms were eh... I mean you go in and change into pe clothes and that's it. No big deal.

When did I start noticing an attraction in guys? I guess it was maybe 8th grade or so and I don't remember being any indicator or anything like "ooh I suddenly like guys." I remember it being more of a stage as where I liked to be around guys and hang out etc.

I remember being with my best friend many days at his house looking at porn on the computer in his room and his parents bedroom... he was daring... heh. Anyways, the females were hot I'll admit, but I just didn't get the spark that guys gave me. I know what a hot woman looks like... nice hair... nice lips... nice large breasts... and yes, a hot woman can turn me on. I guess that's still why I say I like girls. Its also not like I've experimented much beyond kissing with a girl. I still want to, yes, and I think I can be attracted to a girl. In fact, if Gonzo didn't have her boy I'd go with her in an instant and I think I'd be happy. I like girls, yes, because talking to a girl is just soooo easy... say whatever you want... they give you sympathy and offer advice and comfort you. I know even with The Guy I can tell him stuff, but he is just not touchy feely, aaaaw I'm sorry, gooey mushy like a girl is, and I like that aspect in women.

I remember when I finally had my own laptop and I could look at porn. I looked at female porn. I looked at male porn. I remember always being more turned on by the male porn maybe because it was a taboo and I was always a good boy and so this was kind of going against everything?

I guess maybe because this was 10th grade or so and studying AP Euro it seemed like EVERY male we studied had homosexual tendancies and this turned me on I guess to know that male figures in history- some who are guys with pretty important like Leonardo da Vinci, Machiavelli, etc. This intrigued me I guess to see how shunned their behavior was, yet how they were possibly gay etc. I always like knowing interesting tidbits like that.

So anyways, I remember suddenly I was looking at more and more male porn. I mean when you're looking at online porn a woman can have huge breasts, but at a point they look fake, but a male with a 10'' penis, while it may also be fake, it turned me on. What guy doesn't want to be that well endowed?

Well, junior year... I was searching for the perfect girl... prom... I dated girlfriend #1 for about 2 months and I liked her as a friend, but I mean I couldn't see a real relationship partly because we never let ourself get that close because we were good friends and didn't want to ruin that.

Throughout high school most of my friends never really dated and the couple who did dated each other, so dating was never a big deal and my parents knew for the mostpart my friends didn't date, so it is not like there was real pressure on me to. I find myself a very independent person and never really needed a girlfriend to be happy. I was fine going out and doing things with friends and never needed to be touchy feely.

Senior year during the summer I dated girl #2 and she was cool, but again, we were friends and from our circle of friends, so it was nothing serious and nothing beyond kissing.

In college I didn't really search anyone out. I continued looking at male porn online and stuff and that's fine and dandy. I finally about January worked up the courage to contact a guy that seemed cool at my college. He was alright... I mean we met up and stuff once in the library to just hang... then one Saturday night... January 13 to be exact in his dorm where stuff happened. I realized males were easy to comeby and worked up the guts to do more and find a guy... met The Guy in April. I'm so happy I have... not just for the sex... but honestly I was at a point where I was really getting kind of depressed not having any guys to be around. He is a great guy to hang around, he is smart, interesting, and caring. I wasn't expecting to meet anyone like him. Honestly, while I wanted an emotional connection to someone, which he has provided and I'm so thankful for. I guess with guys I was just wanting sex or guys to hang around. I mean working with 8 girls all day, most of the people in my classes were girls that I did talk to, come home talk to my mom and sister. In my group of friends there are about 14 girls and only 5 or 6 guys, so I felt a real need to meet more guys. I'm so glad I've met him... to have another guy to talk with is cool and the attention... both just being around him and the sexual attention is nice.

So I'm not sure there was any point to this post... talk about sexuality... where I realized I liked guys... why I think I'm gay/bi/whatever... I don't know...