Mom's cut the strings... anyone up for a trip?

My mom asked me on Tuesday afternoon why I hadn't gone out yet after I had been home maybe 18 hours. It was funny, she said she was so used to having me go out somewhere and not coming back for 6-7 hours that she thought I needed out of the ehouse. I said nope, I wasn't going out, but asked if that was a problem. She said "no, it is kind of nice having you home, but I'm glad that you get to go out and have fun." Oh, if only she knew half of it.

Then my mom later asked if I had any plans upcoming she should know about. She asked if I was flying across country, perhaps a Labor Day trip with friends. So... Labor Day weekend I have been given permission to go somewhere like she's expecting it... a plane trip at that... I want to go somewhere... unfortunately I don't have anyone to go with. WOW... my mom has really grown... she is suddenly so much less clingy and it is like she is trying to get rid of me...heh. I think she is realizing I am able to grow up and handle myself. YAY ME. She said that she basically wants me to be able to travel, explore, meet new people, make new friends, be happy and she sees how well I handled this last trip and how much fun I had. My mom said she doesn't see why I don't go on a trip with friends somewhere for Labor Day. I asked what that meant, where I could go. I asked if that meant my friend who I just went to see in Mississippi and I could go to New York or what. She said sure as long as we stay in a safe place in NYC. She said I can drive or fly up to see my grandma and maybe a friend would want to go. I could go to Oklahoma and see my family out there. She said I could go to Washington DC or back to Newport News Virginia to see family. She said for me to try and contact my friends and maybe book a hotel at the beach or something or whatever I want. I shall try that...

Since we were on the topic of trips I asked if that meant I could go to Vegas for my 21st and she said as long as there is no drinking...haha... WOOT. Would I ever drink? Nope... no... didn't think so...

Since we're on the topic of flying here is a pic I took flying over Mississippi with my friend:

Destressing from Mississippi

The Guy called me yesterday morning saying we need to hang out because I needed to destress from my trip to Mississippi. I said after my job interview over near his house at 2p.m.

I had a job interview to be a substitute teacher. They only asked 3 questions and it went well. The lady who interviewed me asked 3 questions, seemed impressed, then said we'll go to the back and then can handle the next step of the substitute process, so basically I was hired. I have to fill out tons of paperwork between now and the 21st of August, get fingerprinted, all that good stuff.

Got out of the interview and got some bottled water for The Guy. When I got to his place we talked about random stuff and he decided he was going to go buy a new MacBook Pro laptop. He had a $500 discount. So we go to Victoria Gardens to the Apple Store. It was packed there, but we got in and out in no time. Then we went to Vitamin World and The Guy bought water pills, which was funny. Then we went to Corner Bakery and ordered what turned out to be a really underwhelming roast beef sandwich. The car ride to and from was very fun... The Guy was on a role yelling and getting upset at just about every car we passed, making fun of everything, it was quite fun.

The Guy's new friend Joe from Florida came over. He just moved here last week and The Guy met him online years ago. He is about 23 I'm guessing. He is going to school to be a vet. We talked about random stuff like animals, then Warcraft. We played Warcraft for a while on the couch, all 3 of us sitting next to each other. Joe left at 8 to go to the airport to pick up his mom.

About 9p.m. The Guy and I were ready for a 2nd dinner since the sandwiches were so underwhelming. The Guy took his dog for a walk and I went over to Bakers Square to pick up some burgers. Went back to his place and we ate. The Guy helped me with WOW, then we just cuddled on the couch for a while.

About 11:40 we were both getting tired and The Guy said we should go to his bedroom and talk. We laid on the bed. I laid up closely behind him holding him. We mainly talked about Warcraft and stuff like that. It felt good holding him like that. It is always easier for me to hold him since I'm much taller. He is 5'7'' and I am 6'2''.

Velvet Rage on dads and war

On the way back from OKC I read the book Velvet Rage, which Creative Thinker recommended in his blog.

Creative Thinker does a great job breaking down each section of the book and setting it up, but I wanted to elaborate on the parts that struck me. I thought it was a good book, but not everything applied to me because I'm still not out. It did help me see that I am happy for the mostpart in my life because I have managed to avoid a lot of the destruction/esteem issues that the book talks about which gay men face, but see how if I were to pursue guys could avoid a lot of destruction gay men face.

It hurt me to see how my dad and I have had such a hard time relating to each other. We act so different, have such different ideas, have different personalities, senses of humor, and he's more reserved than me. He is very stoic, not one to open up about anything, whereas as you can see here in this blog, I'm very open about everything in my life and I love to chat about everything. I can see in the past year I am one who will stand up for my beliefs and take a stand, whereas my dad will do other things when he gets upset and tends to write a letter to the person, I am getting to the point where I have no problem saying why I'm upset and taking a stand. I'm much more talkative than my dad. I think I show a fun/loving side that I never saw from my dad, which I think is partly because I don't want to be like my dad who doesn't show emotion, who doesn't show all the concern I do.

Last year my dad went to his first army reunion with the men he was in Vietnam with. He reconnected with them after 37 years. My dad was not the emotional type and he never opened up about anything. My mom always said my dad had a hard time and that it was always a "Vietnam sickness." My mom blamed my dad about that for communication issues he has, how he doesn't necessarily tell everyone everything going on in his life, how he doesn't seem so connected to people, how he keeps his distance, how he won't face the problem head on, and for how he builds up his anger that bothers everyone in the family. I could use many painful examples from my life where this is true and how it could be that I'm not close to my dad because of this. I realize that I don't have any of those qualities... I'll tackle the problem head on, I like to be connected to people, and whatnot.

I began to realize in the past year that a lot about my dad also relates to emotions. In Vietnam my dad was forced to suppress a lot of emotions. By going to the reunion and through e-mail with my dad's Vietnam buddies he has became a different person. I did see my dad break down and cry at the reunion when the men were talking once. I heard the stories of war. My dad on the way back said that he has been healed and he has been able to deal with a lot of issues that have plagued him for so long. I saw a new side of my dad. When my dad returned home I saw an attitude change where he treated my mom a whole lot better and he opened up and was more sentimental. There wasn't abuse or anything going on in the family priort to my dad going to his reunion, but if my mom said something, after the reunion he was more sentimental, he seemed like he cared, he offered advice. Before it was just yeah, honey I hear you, a disconnect. My dad even opened up more about his life. I have learned a lot about his years growing up, some stories from Vietnam, just a whole new side of him - - a more emotional side.

I am not close to my dad, don't think I will ever be, but I have seen a changed man in the past year and I credit a lot of this to being able to confront problems he faced in Vietnam and come to grips with emotions thanks to meeting these men again. My dad has opened up more, my dad has been more like a father figure in that when I do have a problem I can tell him something and get feedback. I'm thankful for this, but to have that confirmed in the book was so nice. It said, "to start with our fathers were raised, as we were, to be tough, stable, and emotionally detached. On top of that, many of them were veterans of wars that forced them at a young age to suppress their emotions and to commit unspeakable acts against humanity in the name of patriotism. In sum, many of our fathers grew up in a culture that offered them power in exchange for stoicism and buried emotion" (p 14).

I was thinking on the plane had the internet been as popular and there 15 years ago, if everyone was online, my dad could have connected with his old buddies, began the healing process, opened up more, and maybe I would have a different relationship with him. Maybe he would have showed more of an interest in me (I'm not saying he didn't when I was young because I know he did and he did love me and showed his interest in me, just not in the ways I gues I wanted or been there in ways I had expected), but that maybe he would have been there in more ways and taken a more active role in parenting. My mom was the parent who was the main one involved in raising- she punished us kids when we were little, she checked our homework, all of that. My dad was the one who cooked dinner, would read bedtime stories to my sister and I, and would tickle us endlessly when my sister and I ganged up on him when we were kids. My dad is not a bad man, no, I'm not trying to defend him. He is a great teacher, smart guy, but he does have flaws. I do see how he is a great guy and how he was a good dad, but my focus of this post is how he was not the emotional type and the type of dad I was longing for to shower and hug me, and how I saw through reading this book he has changed in the past year, but also how Vietnam probably had an effect on him.

We got along for the mostpart, but we have not had a great relationship. We have had many fights over the years that have not been pretty. We yell at each other. I admit I used to go out of my way to tick him off and make him mad. I know what I did was wrong and I am willing to acknowledge it, but I can see how a lot of it was out of rage, rage for him not being the caring guy, not being there. I remember a lot of the fights we had was because how he wasn't interested in my mom, how I was worried about divorce, so I would in return treating him badly. I think my parents marriage in the past year has really improved and they have been married over 30 years. Now, my dad and I fight over things like his lack of organization, then the last big fight was about my sister's lack of responsibility, so I see how I have changed also and am picking battles I see as important.

I am not trying to get anyone to take pity on me here, far from that, I'm just sharing thoughts that came into my head while reading the book and telling about a few little events in my chioldhood. What has happened has happened, I can accept that, and have. I am content where I am today. I understand that there were many factors that went into the relationship we had and overall he was not a bad dad, just not the emotional type/showering type I guess I wanted. I know my dad is a good guy deep down. Anytime I need/still need money, he is there. That is one of the ways he shows love. Anytime I have a car problem, he is the one who will try to troubleshoot it. I am just seeing how things could have been different and the book opened my eyes to be able to reflect and see how he has changed in this past year after seeing his army buddies and swapping stories.

I can picture how things could have been different and how maybe he would have been more relatable if my dad had been able to deal with army experiences earlier. I could see that maybe my dad would have been there to teach me to play baseball and encourage me to join little league and all of that little boy stuff. My uncle from Rockford Illinois was the one who taught me to play baseball. I remember getting report cards and my dad would say "I'm proud of you" and leaving it at that. Just in the past year, even though now I'm college I see he acts totally different. He says stuff like "that's great, I know it is much tougher in college," then he'll usually ask about the tougher classes I take and where I went wrong. I see him more interested- whether this is a result of him opening up and being better able to show interest/happiness because he saw his Vietnam buddies I don't know, I can only guess this is a factor and it has only started in the past year, so I can think it may be that. He has shown a new concern I have never seen. I can see how in a year our relationship has got better, but also how it probably will never be great, and not the emotional relationship I crave.

It is sad that because of reasons like war, "most of us grew into our young adulthoods without having had a truly loving, honest, and safe relationship with a man" (p 14). We went to our mothers, I know I did because she "over-validated us to compensate for the betrayal she saw us suffer" (p 15). Maybe I would have felt more comfortable going to my dad to talk, rather than going to my mom. I am closer to my mom. When I got a report card she was excited, call the whole family, brag to friends, and the like. I like that validation, and validation is something everyone needs, so I see why/how my relationship with my mom has prospered. My dad and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things still, but I do see how and why this could have happened, and how things could have been different. I know my dad loved me, but I didn't get the love I feel and saw from my mother. My dad provided a different love. A mom's love I guess is more showering and praising, help, nurture her kids. Whereas with a dad you see he loves you by doing things for you, slipping you money when you need it, helping fix your car, but that is not what I wanted, needed from my dad, and I would argue so many of us needed another kind, more emotional, the same love from our fathers as our mothers gave us because what "you craved from him was love, affection, and tenderness. As we have seen, what most of us received from our fathers was far less" (p124).

I just can't help but wonder how my dad and my relationship could have been different if he could have tackled these emotions earlier from Vietnam, would he provided that loving, emotional attention I so desperately wanted from him? Would him and I have had all those fights we did years back? What would have been different? Would I be a different person today because of that?

My stopover in Oklahoma

DaninOKC beat me to it, but I was tired last night after being up since 4:00a.m. central time (2:00a.m. Cali time). I got home, unpacked, called it a night at 10:20 or so Cali time.

A big shoutout and thanks to Dan for coming to the airport, driving, and taking me to lunch at Zios Italian Restaurant.

Had a stopover on my flight from Mississippi in Oklahoma, which allowed me to meet up with fellow blogger DaninOKC. It was a neat experience to meet someone who I've met/talked with through im and blogging, but also a closeted guy, Christian guy, etc. I was comfortable with meeting him and instead of feeling butterflies which I might feel from meeting someone online, I felt the whole anxious/excited thing going on instead since it was like we had known each other before meeting. But it was pretty cool that even though this was the first time we met, we knew about each other through our blogs, which gave us stuff to talk about.

So what are my thoughts on Dan since I'm sure that's what everyone wants to know as I know a lot of us read his blogs? Hot guy for one, with a great smile. He has a really cute smile and when he smiles his blue eyes light up, which was priceless. He had tons of energy, which made him fun, he definitely seems like he'd be a cool guy to hang out with if I were closer to OKC. Did he have a southern twang/accent? Nope... not so much. I was kind of wondering because he is from Oklahoma and everything, but no. I'm sure he could come to a place like California and in no time would fit in. He had some real cool new shoes also.

It was cool to get to sit and talk about things we've blogged about like Dan's roommate, telling Dan about The Guy, then other random things like my sister. We didn't have a ton of time since I was waiting for a call from my cousin who was stuck at work and trying to get to the airport to give me some family stuff. I only wish we had more time to sit and talk about stuff like our faith, the whole gay thing, family thing, and everything else.

I got back to the airport and met my cousin. She was just getting there as I was. We only had time to talk as I checked in my bags because the line for security was LONG. I told my cousin I thought it would take 30 minutes to get through. So we go check my bags in get to the ticket counter. There are fliers saying "no fireworks allowed in suitcase," etc. etc. My cousin said the flier could say worse things, but also that is stupid to bring fireworks. She said that is comparable to bringing a leaf blower onto a plane because it is something you don't need. Then she asked me if I have a leaf blower in my suitcase. I said nope, nothing like that, just clothes.That made the guy suspicious at the ticket counter apparently though.

So we walk over and say goodbye to each other and I get in line for the security screening. I get up to putting my stuff in the gray bins to go through security when TSA pulls me aside and asks me to go with them. My heart was racing by then. WHY ME? I get pulled into a room and they ask me what I have in my suitcase. Not wanting to lie and screw up I said in the small suitcase I have clothes and in the big one it is family mementos. They ask if I was sure. I said yes. I was really getting worried and so they bring my suitcases over and ask if its ok for them to open them. Of course I say, they're TSA and I'm not going to fight. 3 guys look through my suitcases and ask if there are firearms, fireworks, or leaf blowers in there. I said NO. They said that was fine and they didn't see anything. They took my suitcases, then they let me get back in the security line at the back of the line. I was about 1/2 way through it when they got me. It is 3:10 at this time. My flight leaves at 3:20. My heart is pounding because I'm thinking I'm going to miss my flight, my cousin is on her way back to work, TSA just stopped me, and in the back of my mind I'm getting worried because I am wondering if they're going to put me on some flight watch list or not.

I hear them announce my flight is departing and that they're waiting for 5 passengers and they say the names. Not me, I wasn't worried. 2-3 minutes later I hear my first name, they massacre my last name (which you really have to try to massacre my last name... I can understand my first name being massacred, but my last name... you have got to be kidding) and hear my flight number. I flag someone from TSA down and say I HAVE TO GO- my flight is leaving. The lady said to see if I could get cuts. I go through the line asking each person and they all say yes. I get up to the front and get through security quick as I can. I threw everything in my carryon including my shoes, so I'm running through the OKC airport shoeless, trying my hardest not to slip on the slippery tile, just because I'm trying to save time as it was 3:20. I get in front of the Sonic and guess who was clumsy enough to run into a sign? Me! I keep running and make it ALL the way to the other end of the airport. They already closed the plane door. I begged at first to please let me on and they finally said ok. They weren't going to, but I got a little upset and said I have got to go because this is the last flight back to Cali for the day. I got on the plane and had what seemed like 1000 people staring me down as I got on the plane. Thankfully my seat was in row 3 so I didn't have to walk to the back of the plane and see everyone giving me that look of displeasure. I put my carryons in the overhead bins, sit down, and finally put my shoes back on. Hey, nobody should be mad... we did make it back to Cali 20 minutes earlier than scheduled.

Quick recap of my Mississippi trip

Tuesday: Spent 12 hours trying to get to Mississippi.

Wednesday: Went to the zoo with my friend and his girlfriend's sisters. That was a small zoo and I expected it. There were more plastic animals than real animals. We watched "300" in the evening.

Thursday: New Orleans... very fun. We got to fly because my friend is going to school to be a pilot. His mom insisted on going because we were flying and she wanted us to be safe. So, of course very smooth flight, fun times to get to talk and catch up with her. New Orleans is not at all what I expected. I expected the NO Bourbon street architecture to be carried out throughout all the city and that would make the city charming. We walked about 3 miles around the city out from Bourbon Street and it wasn't. Just a few blocks from Bourbon Street the happy/carefree atmosphere was gone. There are random buildings boarded up and have been that way since Katrina. The further you walked the worse the city looked and a lot of grass needed to be mowed/flower beds needed work. There are a lot of areas that are just dirty. My friend's mom said that the charm has been lost since Katrina and if that is true, then they need to work on that. I did form some definite opinions on the rebuilding of the city.




























Toured the 9th Ward. It was unnerving to think that the water could have been so high during Katrina. We walked into a church that was about a mile from the levy and it was amazing how the water just picked everything up in the church and swept it to the front of the church. AND GET THIS... the carpet was still wet in the church 2 years after Katrina. 2 YEARS and it was like it was just freshly soaken. I am glad I got to see all of this stuff.















The church with the still soggy carpet















house in 9th Ward and the overgrown grass around it - this one did not even suffer a lot of damage in comparison to others


The fun stuff: My friend's mom is like my dad and very carefree, but knows when to be the
mother type and will. She was saying that if my friend and I wanted we could probably go to the bars and not get carded. She said that she would pretend she didn't see us and went shopping on Bourbon Street, so my friend and I hit the bar... haha... I can say I've hit the bars now. There are so many sex related shops and my friend, his mom, and I walked through them. It was a little awkward with his mom, but she was just cracking jokes (even though she is a very conservative Christian woman) and saying "maybe I should buy somehting like this for me" in response to stuff for like leather bondage and stuff like that. Then we went into a couple lingerie shops and even though my friend's mom is not the perfect shape, she was looking through the stuff, and was very open minded, my friend and I were saying what we like and stuff like that and she just laughed. It was awkward, but fun.
















Friday: Went flying with my friend again. This time with his sister and dad. VERY FUN!!! My friend was daring this time since his dad was along and did things like stalled the plane in mid-air and other crazy things. That was fun!!! We flew over my friend's house and flew to Vicksburg and back, but didn't stop, just flew over the area. We watched "Fly Boys" at night and played a word game called Boggle.

Saturday: Kayaked the Okatoma River with my friend. It was a manmade river and was only 2-3 feet deep in some places. There was lots of getting stuck. MY ARMS KILLED ME after kayaking 5 miles and there really was no current, so we were pushing ourselves along. I thought my arms were in good shape... apparently no. We watched "Pirates of the Caribbean" at night.

Sunday: Went fishing. Friend caught a catfish and threw it back. I got TONS of bites, but couldn't reel in a fish. I tried. We fished for about 4 hours. It just got too dang hot. I did get a nice tan on my legs and arms. I had to laugh. I'm a Californian going to Mississippi to get a tan. Afterward we went to Wal-Mart and my friend's dad bought a new fishing pole because the one he had just got for the fishing trip was not that great. Played Phase 10 with my friend and his family. His mom won, then his girlfriend, me, his dad, and then my friend came in last.

BURBEON STREET!!!

IS SWEEEET!!! Went with my friend and his mom... his mom was tagging along, but she is the mother, yet the cool mother thrown in who lets their kid have fun. We ended up in a bar on Burbeon Street and had a hell of a time!!! Had a hurricane daquiri and was not carded and had no fear of being carded, even though I'm 20... the bartender was my age (or younger). HELL YEAH!!! I'll explain more later... it was basically a dare to see if I got carded or not. It's amazing to believe how carefree the people are down there where you aren't even carded...

Houston, we have a problem

Plane ride from California-Oklahoma went well. Getting through security proved challenging. They lost my wallet. Thankfully a lady from the church I used to go to was behind me and saw it fall off the x-ray machine. Talked to her for like 15 minutes afterward. It was nice to see her, but I was late walking up to my plane as the door was closing on the plane. They let me in... yay!!! Chatted with a cool guy from the city I am who actually looks a lot like my best friend, which was surprising.... same build, darker hair, wears the same type of clothes, but looked a lot alike. He was going to visit a friend in Oklahoma. Oklahoma went well... had my 2nd experience at Sonic. Got to chat with my cousin for a few minutes and see her. YAY!!!

I'm in Houston right now and I am not a happy traveler. I had to do a complete terminal change to get to my plane (which meant a lot of walking, going up 2 escalators, and taking a tram) only to be told the flight was delayed in Dallas over 2 hours because of weather. The airport here is huge, like a city of it's own.

Hope to be in Misssissippi by 10:20p.m. optimistically.

Update: Made it to Mississippi at 10:45. I was supposed to arrive at 8:45.