Let's get some shoes...

Ok... so I'm having less of a problem lately admitting I have a shoe fetish. I've added some new shoes to my collection and plan to add some more soon. I was talking with I have to admit it last night and after feeling down about a bad day I decided I needed to shop for my dad's gift and get some shoes... shoes make everything better...



Found some really cool shoes that I hope to have in my possession soon. I am really trying to branch out from the typical conservative clothes and shoes I wear as I told I have to admit it. I usually wear the typical California teenage guy deal of skater shoes in black, brown, etc., but am branching out. I've bought a couple pairs of Converse, some really cool brown plaid shoes, and here's what I'm thinking I need...

I really like the red shoes and have never bought a bright color like that because I think "what would I wear with those?" I have to admit it said I could wear black Dickies, white polo, etc. So that's an idea. I don't have much that will match with bright red I discovered in my closet. Track pants and a white t-shirt, track pants and a red shirt, but I'll need a lot more red... heh. But I'm keeping an open mind... maybe... maybe after a shopping trip? Need a little encouragement... heh.

I'm so paranoid about having shoes match the shirts I wear... it is ridiculous. I'll admit, but whatever. It's probably a large reason why I go for the more conservative looking shoes.

I want a pair of white shoes, even though living on a dirt road, having a dirt driveway, living here in the country would be hard to justify and hard to keep them clean, but I've always wanted a pair of white shoes.

Maybe I'm ready for something really wild...

I definitely want the white or brown with the cool plaid border at the bottom. How original is that?! I'm psyched. They're a bit over my usual $60.00 limit on shoes, but for those it would be ok to splurge... haha. Now to debate over white or brown...

I'm Ready to Run... away... care to come along?

--- Woke up and got a haircut at 8:30a.m.
Had to take sis with me to get her hair trimmed... she is not a nice person before 10:00a.m. or so, so that wasn't fun and lasted until 11a.m.
--- Went to Staples for a mailer for a shirt that I had to return
They had a 6 pack of mailers, not 1 and so I had to end up buying a box that cost $2.49. Thankfully the shipping cost was covered to return the shirt.
--- Realized I had no cash in my wallet and felt lame having to ATM the $2.49 box.
--- I try to call the architect only to discover there was a cell phone outage in the area.
--- Went home and had enchiladas for lunch (the good part of the day)
--- Went to get the mail and send the shirt, pass my grandma's house and realize her driveway is nonexistent
The county resurfaced the road and "improved" it. They took out the asphalt that made it look like a driveway and put up a curb so it is impossible to get in her driveway. Then there is now a 2 foot long, 1 foot deep hole where part of the driveway used to be. Also realize her mailbox has been knocked down. I had to call the county and explain her driveway was no longer in existence and how I need them to come now. They said they would. County basically said they'd never block a driveway... right... I'm sure. Didn't bother to check if they fixed it and repaved her driveway, but will see tommorow morning and if not will call and raise hell again. Handled this problem behind my mom's back instead of giving it to her because she was dealing with enough stress relating to my grandma.
--- Got a jury duty summons in the mail... I'm going to be like my mom I swear who gets 1 yearly. This is my 2nd time getting jury duty. Curse at the thought of spending a day of summer vacation doing jury duty.
--- Get frustrated hearing about all the problems/bad treatment from my aunt in Nor Cal.
--- Let out an F bomb about 4:30 when I realized I missed my fingerprinting for substituting and it takes a while to get an appointment. UGH. I need to have those by the 21st. UGH.
--- Also about this time I also realize it is my dad's birthday tommorow and have no clue what to get him. He doesn't want clothes, has all the electronics, gift cards aren't for him (he loses them). Went to the mall and Best Buy only to come home empty handed. Still trying to find something.
--- Had some random idiot try to cut me off by making a right hand turn from the far left lane and crosses 3 lanes of traffic to make a right turn with me.
--- Didn't make it to the gym
--- I did make some scrumptious marshmallow crispy treats and indulged in those to make me feel better. Realized marshmallow crispy treats make everything better.

The idea of running away still sounds tempting though...

Smart Car

I'm kinda car shopping. My dad and mom have agreed we're going to get a car soon because my sister MAY get her license soon (if she can pass the test, which I have serious doubts about). So I'm looking at cars... typical commuter cars... a Civic, Sentra, Accord, and a Toyota Prius just because I drive so much (not for looks or to appear as an environmentalist, or any of that). A commuter car would be fine for me because it has everything I need.

Anyways, saw a story on the news that the Smart cars are coming to America and you can reserve one right now for $99.00. They'll retail for anywhere between $12,000 for a base model and $17,000 for a convertible. So would anyone buy one of these? I'm just curious...


























I would look at the Smart, but I was thinking no. Sure I'd get plenty of looks, but it just doesn't seem practical or even luxourious in the least. Showed it to my mom when she arrived home tonight and her response was NO. It is small. Size is going to be a battle. My dad says I can choose whatever I want as long as it is in the price range, is safe, and gets reasonably good gas mileage. My mom however is BIG ON SAFETY AND SIZE. My mom thinks my car is just the perfect size (it's big, trust me). My mom thinks her midsize car is too small. She thinks a Civic is too small, a Sentra, and so on. My mom's philosophy is if it is not big, it is not safe; plus you need room to carry 4-5 friends.

Everything I've pointed out I like she shoots down. She says I wouldn't want a truck because it's not practical. I disagreed and pointed out with all the house stuff it would be, plus I can haul stuff. She talked about needing a camper shell for it to be practical, but then why not just buy an SUV. I said no camper shell. I also pointed out I like the higher seating position in a truck- you can see better and it is more comfortable. Then she went on how most small pickups have a stick shift and how unsafe that is, plus how I would hate to drive one.

The Civic and Sentra are small and dangerous. They're not American cars for one. Second, they're small, so they're unsafe. My mom has always had HUGE cars. Her current midsize car is the smallest car she has ever owned and is too small. Then my mom goes back to a story where her friend from work had a 1980s Civic and she used to have to sit in the back when they commuted to LA and how cramped it was. I reminded her the new Civic's are much bigger. I also point out that the accident situation has as much to do as anything with whether or not you survive an accident. It doesn't matter the Civic can have side airbags. I acknowledge size is a factor in surviving an accident, but it is not everything. I am a good driver, don't need a huge car, stuff like that.

A Honda Accord or anything comparable is not a good car (including my mom's current midsized car). My mom had a friend who had an Accord and after an accident it was totalled and became an Accordion. So midsize cars like that are unsafe. My mom complains on a regular basis how her car is so small. People give her looks for that because most people think a midsize car is a good size.

A Prius is not an option because it is too small. It is considered a midsize car I pointed out. Nope, too small. Plus hybrid technology shouldn't be sooo expensive.

A full size car would be ok because it is big, safe, roomy, and you can take 4-5 friends with you. Your full size car is less likely to be totalled in an accident. My mom was hit coming home from work in her Oldsmobile Omega 2 weeks before I was born and the car was totalled and that was midsize, so that's too small. In 1996 we had a full size car and all of us were in an accident on our way to Knotts Berry Farm. The Ford Escort that hit us was totalled. The Toyota pickup that hit the Escort was totalled. Our car was still driveable, there was almost no damage, and we were still able to go to Knotts Berry Farm that day. My mom can't seem to get it through her head that cars are meant to crush in an accident nowadays.

An SUV would be ok because they're big, they're safe, but they don't get great gas mileage and I drive 250+ miles a week. I'd love to go more than a week without filling up.

Oh, and government crash tests don't matter because big cars are automatically safer and "I'll just be so much happier in a big car."

This was originally going to be a short post about the Smart car, but turned into my mom's opinion of cars I like... haha

Got insurance?

Maybe you need Coming Out Insurance...

Spent the night at The Guy's (2nd time)

The Guy instant messaged me about 11a.m. Sunday saying I need to come play WOW. I got dressed and went over. We played WOW and I started 2 new characters because I suck so badly The Guy was trying to help me find the right character for me. The Guy was doing quests with an online friend and talking by a voice program built into his Mac. His friend made fun of me for my inabilities in the game. It was all good- I had some quick witted responses for him, even though The Guy wasn't always hitting the chat button so I could defend myself.

We had thai for lunch and dinner. Good stuff. We took a break about 5:30 and The Guy wanted to lay down. I was just laying at one side of the bed and he was at the other, but his dog got on the bed, so The Guy moved. He moved up behind me and held me. It was hot. He was playing with my chest, then moved below the shorts and started jacking me off. Then we ended up just taking our shorts off and romping around the bed. Lots of tickling, touching, stuff like that. The Guy pinned me down and started licking my ears. I think I've mentioned how I'm so ticklish there, but also what a hot feeling I get from that. He just would not stop and that was driving me crazy. It was all good fun though. Then we settled down and took about an hour nap. I laid up against him holding him.

After this we were back up playing more WOW. We played until 12:00a.m. or so. Then we watched Oprah because we wanted to learn about global warming and because Al Gore is such a sexy hunk, The Guy joked. Then we flipped to NBC and watched an old Star Trek movie. I was getting real tired about this time. It was 1:00a.m. or so and so I said I was going to leave. The Guy said you're dad is the only one home, he won't care, just spend the night. I called and said I was staying the night, he was already asleep and groggy, so said ok.

The Guy said he wasn't tired so put on a show called Firefly which is a cross between a western and sci-fi from 2001 or so that was canceled after the first season. That was a LONG show and I ended up staying up through most of it as much as I tried to fall asleep because The Guy kept having to give his usual hilarious commentaries about everything and ask me every 2 minutes "isn't this good?" The Guy put on the second episode and I managed to doze off through most of it and he did too. I slept pretty well. His dog wasn't all over the place like usual and The Guy wasn't either. This time we slept pretty close to each other and when he did wake up he just scooted closer to me, so it was hot and enjoyable. We woke up about 8:30 this morning and there was some making out and playing with the dog on the bed.

I went to the liquor store for energy drinks and water. The liquor store was out of bottled water though. Shame. So I went back and we played WOW until about 12 or so. Then The Guy ordered spicy chicken sandwiches from Charo Chicken. The Guy absolutely drownded his chicken in guacamole and it looked so disgusting. About this time The Guy finally hit level 70 in WOW. Level 70 is the highest you can be. The Guy has about 10 other characters, but one that he has focused on hitting 70. The others are level 30 or 40.

I still cannot get into the game. I think The Guy is realizing that, which is funny. I mean I see how some people love it, but I don't and am apathetic toward it. I play it, I enjoy playing with The Guy, but you won't catch me playing it at home on my own because I don't find it fun. I find it fun playing with The Guy because he helps me along in the game, makes fun of me for my misfortunes in the game (like dying), and I enjoy his company. I'm not a computer game person to begin with. Need For Speed... love that... have all the NFS games and will play them occasionally when I want to relax, but I'm not an addict. I am one of those obsessive compulsive people who always have to be doing something, cleaning, working, being active, worrying about others, worrying about things, and so it is hard for me to sit down and play an actual game. I will do it, I like doing it, but it is a treat I guess and it is not like something I do all the time. I may play NFS once a month or so.

Anyways, about this time I ask the guy if he has any Tylenol since I'm getting a headache. I also go out to the car to get my allergy medicine. I sit on the couch for about an hour I'd guess and The Guy was constantly asking how I was and if I was ok, which was nice. I got back on the computer about 3 and we played and The Guy helped me out because I needed all the help I could get. The Guy's mom also called during this time- she does the payroll at her husband's business (The Guy works for his parents) anyways their network crashed this morning and then this afternoon she couldn't get the payroll system to work or get online The Guy had to run his coworker who obviously was not the sharpest in the bunch through everything. I felt sorry for him and it sounded like this guy was not the smartest. I understood what The Guy was saying and had to put my hand on The Guy out of sympathy.

The Guy decided he wanted to get in the jacuzzi and so we go out there and talk about random stuff. After about 10 minutes, we go back in and I help The Guy move his speakers from the office to the bedroom and receivers from one room to another. We talk about random things in the process, which was nice. There is a friend The Guy is always talking about who I have never met because he always has stuff happening when I'm over there. Anyways, The Guy thinks his friend Luis craves attention and so is making up a big lie saying he has a degenerative muscular disease and will be within a wheelchair within 6 months and dead within a year... YET he is running marathons right now. One of The Guy's friends also knows Luis and thinks Luis is lying so that gave us something to talk about. I can't believe someone would say that, especially something so serious, but if someone were to tell me that I'm not sure I could be as trusting as I was before.

So here's what I watched this weekend: "Air Force One," "My Super Ex Girlfriend," "9 to 5," "Aquamarine," "Star Wars Episode 4," "Star Trek," "Little Miss Sunshine" (2nd time), and "Step Up," an episode of the show "Flight of the Conchords," and our trusty "Arrested Development." I watch sooooooooo much TV at The Guy's house. I am not a movie watcher, I just don't have the patience, especially when alone, so it's cool to get to watch them and hang with him.

A little aside: My dad was watching "9 to 5" on Saturday. I walked in at the ending of the movie into the living room when Dolly is singing her heart out in that song. My dad was going from the kitchen to the living room and I caught him dancing to that. That's something my dad would never do I thought in a million years, but I was wrong. He had his arms away from his sides swinging up to about his chest, throwing them up and down, strutting from side to side as he walked into living room back to the couch.

I left about 7p.m. since The Guy had some stuff to do around the house and I needed to do some things here at home. I'm so thankful I got to spend the weekend with him because it was like a vacation to get away from everything. Honestly, this was a bad weekend to start with because of family stuff- a really unexpected funeral on Saturday for a family friend we've known for 15 years. Then just all of the stuff going on with my grandma, mom, and aunt up north.

Weird thoughts...

My mom is up north visiting my grandma right now, so it is just my dad, sister and I at home. I mentioned Friday afternoon I might be going out that night. My dad said sure, go ahead because my dad says since I'm over 18 I can do whatever I want.

My dad however, gave me the look of suspicion and I'm almost sure he know something else is going on. I can handle that, I am getting to the point where I have no problem lying about going out as bad as that sounds, BUT the look my dad gave me and the skepticism he showed bothered me. Oh well. I think he knows and I'm ok, because I know he won't say anything to my mom.

But then my wandering mind got the best of me and I got this feeling that my dad knows I'm out having sex. Haha. Only I would think of something like that. I was just thinking though, does my dad know that I'm having sex with a guy, does he know what I have done, does he know how far I've gone, what does he know? I would never ask my dad what he knows. I kind of expect him to say something if I were to ever come out; or he would do tell me randomly like when he told me he found porn on my computer a few years back.

But I was just thinking how awkward that is to think that my dad knows that I'm having sex. EEEEW. Guess that comes with living at home. But I mean if he did know, it is not like I'd tell him hey, I'm going to have sex. I mean I guess it is to be expected sneaking around, living at home, to feel that paranoia over your shoulder, but that just weirds me out... I mean I guess I consider sex an adult thing and I feel young living at home and with my parents. This on top of that fact that I feel weird knowing that I am having sex. I wonder if I were say 2, 3, 5, or even 10 years older and not married (like I'm planning... I have told my dad at least, I don't plan on marrying until I'm 30) would I still get that feeling and wonder if my parents were wondering if I were having sex and if it would still bother me. I think so and I think my parents would know I was having sex by then. I mean can a person really wait 25, 30 years? Not that it matters whether or not my parents know, but the thought is strange. I know these questions are insignificant and should have nothing to do with my relationship with my parents, but this is something that goes through Mike's mind.

Shame, splitting, and other thoughts from The Velvet Rage

This post probably won't be as great as my last post on fathers, but I wanted to get some more ideas out from that book The Velvet Rage.

People avoid shame through improving other areas of their lives. and focusing on academis or jobs. In the book, Josh sought out academic and business success to avoid shame that he felt for failed relationships, depression, and lonliness. This shame eventually just builds up and ends up being very debilitating.

I can see how in my life I have done this and it is so easy to do. This past year at school I started out in fall quarter lonely because most of my friends are at other colleges and stuff like that. I have tried so hard to meet people at my college, but have never made friends I could hang out with outside of the class because it is a commuter school, etc. etc.. That, compounded with other things had built up a lot of rage in me. I found pride in getting the good grades and doing my job at work and that was my sole focus. I remember feeling real lonely, kind of depressed like Josh in the book was, and was searching more online about this time for guys etc in my area. This is about the time I started finding blogs like I Think I May Be Gay and Daninokc where I found people who were in the same situation at me, which helped to see I wasn't alone. Sexuality was finally an issue I wanted to tackle in my life, so I see this is where I started channeling my interests into different things- not just school, work, but also guys, religion, and stuff like that. I see I wanted more to explore and target the sexuality issue in my life. I wanted to meet people and I see that I did try to. I did try craigslist and met a guy at my college, but that didn't work out. I started going back to church after a long while. I remember and I concentrated solely on school because I had nothing better to do, but thankfully I was able to see that emptiness and where it lies- not having more guys to hang around with etc. etc.. So I see that I've been able to at least start tackling that rage and channeling my energies into other things, so I'm proud of that, and honestly I feel like a better person in so many ways.

Other tidbits I'm going to reflect on from the book:

--- I'm defensive when sexuality is mentioned around me and I tend to defend my straightness around people. (p 45)

--- I am glad I'm not out having anonymous sex with guys (p 51), which the book says they do to avoid shame. I on the other hand could never do that, without not at least knowing the guy before hand, something about them, partly because I feel I need a great emotional connection with a person.

The big part of the book that hit home was the topic of splitting. Living 2 different lives and faking an entire segment of our lives "for the benefit of getting along in life" (p 47). That hurt.

I have FAKED my life with my parents for the past 4-5 months with The Guy and my whereabouts. I do feel guilty about it, which so many the author says so many don't. I do it because I see now is not the time to come out, but honestly I can't blame those who do live two lives because of family, religion, work, and so many other reasons. It makes me sad the labels and everything that sexuality places on people. I am now at a point where I am comfortable doing this splitting as much as I don't like to because I see this is the only way I can get out of the house. My parents are a lot more comfortable with me going out of the house now at such random hours, but it hurts to be lying, it hurts to be faking, it hurts to be splitting.

The author says that splitting often lingers "after you've left the first stage (of being overwhelmed by shame). If your coworkers don't know you're gay, you won't risk being treated like you're part of the 'out group.' If your parents are never allowed to visit your one bedroom apartment, they might not find out that your boyfriend is living with you. While splitting allows us to avoid shame, it also undermines our relationships. We are never what we appear to be, and over time, others begin to sense this. Trust arodes from our friendships with lovers, friends, and family" (p 48).

OUCH!!! Reading that paragraph made me so uneasy. So splitting is done tto avoid shame, which made me upset because I've done it, but it is all to easy to do. I have read tons of stories online about guys who are interested in guys and have that secret side of them their wives don't know about. I am ashamed that sexuality is so defining and that it is such a big issue in things like religion, family, and stuff like that. I hate that, there are so many great people who are gay/lesbian. Unfortunately I'm not willing to come out and so I'm leading a life in shame.

I also had to defend splitting. It seems alright and though I may be living in shame and everything, fine. I mean for me I grew up in a Christian household and everything, knowing how my mom would not be ok with the stuff I have done/me liking guys. Anyways, I was thinking more and more about how long I will continue to split my lives. I was thinking about how I have a hard time getting it in my head that I would date a guy. I am hapy having people to hang around with and stuff like that. While I haven't had much experience with girls... obviously I'vehad more experience with guys thusfar, I was thinking about the hard time I have with the thought of me dating a guy. It goes against a lot about what I was taught. I was thinking and wondering what is it that I want in a guy vs. what would I want in a girl... just sorting through thoughts. I was thinking in a guy I like the physical contact, I like having a guy I can talk about guy stuff with, I like the hanging out and doing guy things, kind of like what I have going on with The Guy. But would I be able to grasp the whole having a boyfriend thing? In a girl I like having someone I can talk to/get advice from, someone to go places with, but the list sort of seemed to stop there. Already, what I have done with The Guy has been better than with the 2 previous girls and I feel more of an interest from him, even though I remain friends with the 2 ex's, I think that we were so focused on maintaining our friendship and whatnot that we didn't let things just happen etc etc. I haven't crossed girls off my list, I find a lot of women hot, but I guess at this point in my life I really want to explore guys. I can't help but think how already I've felt completely different with The Guy than with any girl I've been in a relat. with.

I was thinking how hard it would be for me to ask a guy out on a date because so many guys are just into sex, it would be hard to find a guy that has the same interests as me. It seems like there are some things it is easier to tell a girl than a man. I was thinking how even though The Guy is great, he is a great guy, great friend, whatnot, I want to meet more people. Not friends with benefits or anything, but I'm saying friends, guy friends to hang out with. I would love to have some guys IN MY CITY, my age to hang out with on a somewhat regular basis. No, I'm not getting tired of The Guy or anything, but it would be cool to have more guys to hang out with, perhaps closeted guys, stuff like that to talk about things like religion, thoughts of coming out, random stuff like that, or even just straight guy friends to hang out with. There really doesn't seem to be any closeted guys in my area.

Anyways, I began thinking about living at home and how it kind of sucks. I just have to get through the next 12 months or so with the house addition/remodel deal and then I was thinking how I'll have my own apt. deal and can invite ppl over as I want and please, so it will make things easier to meet people probably, or at least have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Then that got me thinking also- if I were to come out and whatnot, would I really be happier and would I just be avoiding shame by having my own place and having people over. Lately I'm thinking more and more I'll just kind of let my parents discover I'm having guys over and they can make their own conclusions, which to me seems easier... whether it'll play out like that, who knows. But I was wondering if being closeted is the reason for lonliness or what. I am a lot happier and less lonely now that I have met The Guy, but I was thinking how maybe having my own apt. I'd be pursuing guys constantly and perhaps still be building shame inside because I've not chose to settle down or have a serious relationship. I don't know, that did cross my mind. I am sure that I'll be a lot happier because it will be easier to have people over like guys and my parents won't be able to say no, but I guess I just don't want to get caught up and keep meeting random guys and whatnot, but need to focus on meaningful relationships and stuff. I don't know... I guess for right now and for me to come out is not what I want, so i will continue splitting my life.