Birthday Weekend

Hopefully blogger is back up and working... it was so frustrating this past week with the outages, posts not posting, posts not working...

THURSDAY
- Mike was in Dallas for work and his flight was diverted to San Francisco- he took what flight he could get out of Dallas due to weather. We were worried he might have to fly to LAX and I'd have to get into his house to get our tickets for Ellen
- He made it into the nearby airport by 8:30am and I met him at 11
- We were going to see the Ellen Show in LA
- He let me play with his iPad as we drove and played a new game he found on his iPad that was totally addicting called AirTycoon.
- I played AirTycoon most of the way to LA and kept losing $$$$... Mike laughed at my inability to make money
- Stop for a few things at CVS
- Go to Taco Bell for lunch... chicken taco was ok
- Went to Taco Bell down the street from NBC Burbank with tons of child star photos inside... none we knew... but this was the Taco Bell for short people... signs everywhere to watch your head
- After we go to Ellen
- We see some midwesterners there and other eccentric people... a guy with a studded leather purse... a mom and daughter with $ from Cincinnati... a gay nightclub singer
- Lots of waiting to be seated for Ellen show... very different than Leno
- The show starts- the guests were Collin Farrell, Christina Perri, and Lil John from Apprentice

- We got the Justin Bieber movie (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Christina Perri's CD... her CD is pretty good
- Mike is starved as am I - he suggests food trucks - we find the Grilled Cheese Truck nearby
- I have the amazing mac and cheese with pork rib grilled cheese
- They were parked outside of a winery and the winery had a $5 wine tasting promotion in conjunction with the truck visit
- We go in and sample the wines, talk about Ellen experience and my Leno experience
- Ellen was much more structured and she interacted much less with the audience, which was disappointing. She just came out at the end to say a really short thanks. Leno was personable on the other hand and came out before the show to take pictures, meet audience members.
- Traffic was bad since it was 5:30 on a Thursday, so we drive down to the 210 and make our way home about 8:30
- Talk to my professor about my final corrections for my masters paper


FRIDAY
- I didn't get called to sub :(
- Mike had a call at 5:30am and worked until 11 or so
- Wish Mike a Happy Birthday when we wake up
- He emerges from work about 11 and says we should go to Vegas as he found an awesome cheap hotel using his points
- I surprise him with 2nd row concert tickets to see Adele next month... SCORE!!! He loved that!

- Call my mom and tell her, pack, and then we are off to get a rental
- Rental was between a Maxima and Santa Fe. I said Santa Fe and he said Maxima. The Maxima won. No complaints- it was comfy.
- Cruise to Vegas playing AirTycoon and I start to make money
- Talk about lots of stuff to do in Vegas, my sad paychecks, work
- Get to Vegas about 5
- We stopped at the outlets at stateline for Williams and Sonoma and Old Navy
- At the hotel we check in and look at how "shady" it looks
- I search on yelp to find an awesome special at Fiamma inside MGM where appetizers are under $10
- Sit at a table at the bar chatting with 2 older ladies and a daughter from Seattle - we talked about Seattle, good eats, and they advised us what to eat
- We had the bruschetta, gnocchi, and mussels --- gnocchi was DELICIOUS
- Dinner was my treat for his birthday
- We go for a walk down the strip and try to take the Deuce bus... it should be pronounced doosh... they were serious dooshes... we put $7 in the machine that we didn't get back because the sign was lying about the fares and the bitch handling the fares kicked us off hte bus and the driver couldn't speak English. Mike was so pissed off calling the driver and fare taker fuckers... never thought I'd see that side of him
- We walk down the strip while he calms down and I do too to an extent
- Go to Downtown Vegas... old Vegas...
- Drive down and park... this is the Vegas you see in the movies!!!

- Walk through the casinos and see the old signs and what Vegas was... it was a cool trip
- Go into the Californian Casino... tons of Hawaiians there
- They actually let you play quarters and pennies and you the machine spits out coins... the old slots
- Mike teaches me to play poker at one of the video poker machines... sort of have the hang of it
- I was insistent I had to play a penny machine and was not going to be happy until I did. I lose Mike for a few minutes and find my machine. I put $5 in and was down to $1.40. Suddenly I get into the bonus round on some machine (something Fiesta?) and I have 14 free plays. I end up winning $51.05. Mike was shocked.
- I treated him to cheesecake at Smiths grocery after. We looked for Albertsons, but only found Cardenas and every Albertsons on his GPS ended up being Cardenas and he didn't like the barrio look or impuestos store on every corner.
- Get some cheesecake and go back to hotel
- We end up making out, which we hadn't really done and he rode me, which he had never done... saw a different wild side of him that I liked

SATURDAY
- Go to the Dunkin Donuts we saw on the drive in - we don't have those in Cali by the way
- I have a cinnamon and raisin bagel, iced tea, then we get the mini donuts for the road
- Go to Fry's Electronics and look at iPad cases and accessories
- We go to the Hoover Dam

- We take the tour where we go above and in the dam wall. We take lots of dam pictures.
- It was cool to see the inside and it is hard to imagine anyone building anything there (even a dam) with all the rock
- I liked looking out of the dam and the picture of both of us from the inside
- We walk the Pat Tillman Bridge above the dam - it was kind of scary to look up at it and see how high it was when we were at the dam
- After we go to the Red Rock Casino since they had a good happy hour
- We found a good sushi place special and the gal serving didn't charge us for the drinks and was really friendly. The LCD roll we had was good... not sure what was in it... don't recall, just remember it being good
- Drive to Freed's Bakery as seen on Rachael Ray's $40 a Day for dessert. I had been searching for the best desserts in Vegas. This ranks up there. We got a couple cookie sampler boxes, red velvet cake, and strawberry shortcake. The red velvet cake was excellent - I was upset they used buttercream and not cream cheese icing, but the flavor of the cake was amazing.
- Mike doesn't let me get the green Vans shoes at Nordstrom Rack and tells me how they'd only look good in my mind. I want. They are only $24. I plan to check our Nordstrom Rack tomorrow.
- I also found a pair of Cole Haan casuals in black and brown that I just loved, but couldn't dream of paying $79 for - especially when I know I need to save my money since I don't have summer paychecks and I have a boyfriend. If I had them, though, I could guarantee that they would be awesome, I'd love them, wear them, they'd make my world go around, and ensure that the sky stays blue. They're that important.
- Mike gets some undies at Marshalls
- Mediterranian hookah bar... Mike had never done hookah and was surprised I had... had some so-so hummus and good calamari
- Both restaurants we found MIke said would be must stops for him when he go to Vegas from now on
- Go back to hotel to play AirTycoon on my phone and his iPad
- Cuddle on the bed as we eat our treats from Freeds
- Bed about 9:30

SUNDAY
- Up around 7:30
- Search for McDonalds
- Talk about living in Vegas/ridiculous investments in Vegas/Phoenix/his friends who have places in Vegas and Phoenix and are in over their head
- Drive back and play more AirTycoon
- Back at Mike's about 1
- Watch Real Housewives of NY, the Food Network Chef Show with Border Grill lady
- Family keeps calling, texting, and emailing, so I head home
- Home about 5
- Lots of family drama I managed to miss this weekend... whew! So tired of my Aunt in Nor Cal. So tired of my sister. She called me a "ducking fitch" because she was mad I was home and being the good Christian she is...

Family blame

My dad and mom went to my dad's Christmas Party at work for the first time ever- he'd never gone, but wanted to go this year. It's cool that after working at the school so many years he's finally getting out doing things like this.

As they were coming home they got a call from my aunt in Oklahoma. She was crying because my aunt in Nor Cal's husband was calling blaming my mom as well as her for my aunt's heart attack. My aunt in Nor Cal had a heart attack Thursday or Friday I guess. My uncle in Nor Cal blamed my aunt and mom for practically sending her to her death bed. She is so stressed about everything that it is no doubt she had one. My mom assured my aunt that it is probably the stress as she is finally getting caught up in all of her lies and to not let my aunt's husband put all of the blame on her. No surprise she didn't call us. There have been 2 significant events that happened this week that have been sort of victories regarding my aunt and my grandma's estate. I think my aunt is finally realizing the little things she has done that helped us with those victories and will really hurt her monetarily and hurt her reputation.

When I heard the news of the heart attack I can't say I felt sadness. I felt good about it after the way she treated my grandma. I was more in disbelief, and not really sad, just surprised. This is the woman who preaches she drinks red wine for heart health, eat lots of veggies, play tennis, everything is about taking care of your health and body; yet she didn't encourage my grandma or enable her to do that, but I digress. Anyways, when my parents told me this I had a hard time getting my head around it. She had a heart attack. My aunt is in her mid 60s. She has never had a health scare like this before and her health always seems to be better than the rest of the family. She has to have some sort of splint as it was explained to me to fix the problem caused by the heart attack. I'm getting all of the details thirdhand.

Heart problems run on that side of the family, which concerns me. I deal with a lot of stress- not that my stress is any greater than anyone else- but I worry when I feel anxiety, when my heart races. I deal with a lot of stress- stuff with my aunt (not so much anymore), personal stuff- being gay and the things I have never told my mom or dad. I deal with work and school. I do like stress to an extent- healthy stress- the pressure of deadlines at work and school- the pressure to plan a great lesson- the pressure of being observed- the pressure to do a good job for my students. I know that I can't take on too much and I do know when to push away and withdrawal. I've done the withdrawal aspect in many ways with issues related to my aunt. I do try to do my best to work out and eat right, to help relieve stress and stay in good shape. That isn't enough- I still have anxiety issues, and I know that is not good. I have an issue I mentioned- I have a fast pulse. The allergist told me I am a walking time bomb for a heart attack and I was barely 21. I still carry that thought in the back of my head that I could be killing myself.

1 day before election day

1 day before election day and after nearly 18 months of campaign ads I have figured out why I don't like Meg Whitman. She looks too much like my Aunt in Nor Cal. :-\ My Aunt in Nor Cal's hair is just more wavy. And personally I'd like to think that my family has better genes than Whitman.



Oh, and while we're on the subject of Whitman I just don't connect with her. I don't think she represents the true Californian. She says that she's just like us, came to California to live the California dream. But is she really? Where's her botox, boob job, and facelift? That makes a true Californian!

Finally got an answer

I ran into my aunt and uncle on my dad's side twice this past week at the mall in my city. They don't even live in this city. They like our mall better than theirs. The topic of my grandma came up, and what was going on with her. We had been told by the lawyer my grandma's body was at a morgue. We had been told by my aunt in Oklahoma my grandma's body was at the morgue or mortuary. There was also some time we didn't know where the body was and my aunt was lying. My uncle mentioned again these past 2 times we saw him how he would be more than willing to pay for a funeral and would talk to our lawyer/my aunt in Nor Cal. My uncle did some investigating this weekend since his son has connections when it comes to this sort of stuff. My uncle's son found out my grandma was not at the morgue. My uncle and his son did a little more investigating. The conversation my uncle relayed is very annoying as to what happened when he called the morgue/funeral home this morning. Basically they said the body was not there, and there was no cemetery involved. My uncle asked what that meant, and my grandma was cremated several weeks ago and nobody knew. She also didn't want to be cremated. I don't know how I feel about that- it certainly wasn't my grandma's wishes, and we were left out in the dark as to what was happening. My aunt had the power- she could do what she wanted. Now I get to relay the message to my aunt in Oklahoma and my family :-(

A lull

Things are slowing down for me, and that's a good thing. Since the end of Christmas Break I had subbed nearly everyday. It was sure nice. I happen to like money. I did a semi-longterm sub position, and a few other classes here and there. What was also nice was that every job I had was requested for. I didn't sub yesterday or today, which was almost surprising. Hopefully I get called for tomorrow.

School is going alright. I was sure spoiled the previous 2 quarters where the work was a complete joke, and I could throw something together prior to class. I can still mostly do that. We are getting into the more core classes, however. I am being exposed to the courses and tasks I need to submit to the state so that I can do student teaching later, which is required for part of the credential. I'll work on the paperwork later this month. My goal is to have most of it done by March 1.

I have an older woman probably in her 60s who is so lovey dovey for one class and is all about the love and "sharing the good news." She likes to go on "bird walks" during class, which are her words for tangent. She said, "now, let's go on a bird walk. Edelia lives down the street from me, she's the lovely old woman who is never going to die, and she's 97. She grew up on a farm where there was horses. One day I was out in my garden spreading manure, and she smelled it. It never occurred to me with dementia and Alzheimers smell is the last sense to go, so when they smell a familiar smell it brings up memories. She came walking out to me asking if I'd seen her horse and figured I better walk her home." Yes. She goes on for hours with these stories. I responded with "I think I need to get my horse and get going. I think I've been sitting here for hours." In my defense, it was near 7p.m., and time for our break in my mind. So as you can see I am continuing to be my little smart ass self in my classes. Last night I needed to lay off on the "prissy pills," according to my teacher because I was being very sarcastic about everything that came out of her mouth, or anyone elses. There are only 6 people in the class. I'm the only guy.

My Wednesday night class is taught by a drill instructor pretty much. He has no tolerance for you being late, anyone being late, cell phones, and stuff like that. I sit in the back on my cell phone- don't tell. I just make sure it doesn't go off or make sounds. He gives a lot of busy work- "get to know you activities." We are given a test to answer each week on the reading and it is done in partners, so my partner and I split it up. He does the multiple choice and essays. I do the key terms, short answer, and true/false. My partner is a super hot Mormon boy, but very straight, and everything is "righteous," and he calls everyone "bro." He's probably 6'3'', 170lbs, sort of thick muscular build, dark brown hair slicked to the front, a few freckles, dark brown eyes.
Yum.

As far as relationships/friendships go, The Guy and I are overdue for hanging out. He has been sick the past week or so, so we haven't hung out. I haven't talked to him since we hung out last other than for a few texts here and there. The 21 year old I went on a date with a few weeks back and I have talked. He doesn't really want a relationship now because he is going through a major transition in his life and he isn't sure how it will turn out, but he wants to remain friends. Maybe I'll find someone one day... keeping my eyes open. Jack off buddy and I are going to get together soon.

Had my car looked over by the dealer yesterday, as suggested by Shawn, and everything looked great. Yay!!! I have been wanting to take my car to the car wash, but that's not happening soon with all this impending rain.

Some musical thoughts:
- Lady Antebellum had the best Grammy performance the other night with "Need You Now" --- I do think the song is waaaaaay too overplayed and is grating on my nerves. I am glad for their success, though. Currently it is the #1 song on iTunes.

- Alejandro is my new favorite Lady Gaga song
- This song is annoyingly catchy, and waaaaaaaay overplayed on 1043 MYFM.


Family is going pretty well. My aunt has made some major screw ups and not produced the documents asked of her by our lawyer, and the court, which obviously doesn't favor her. My grandma still hasn't been buried. Remember, my grandma died September 19, 2009. It is pure disgusting. Right now we don't care whether my grandma is cremated or buried as long as she ends up with her husband where he is buried. My mom is really under a lot of stress and anxiety dealing with this.

My sister is up at 4:45a.m. most days and gone until 7p.m. I never see her. When I do see her, she is usually on her best behavior as mom has made it clear she won't tolerate any nonsense. We do have our usual arguments over where and what to eat. Last week after getting allergy shots we were going out to eat. She didn't want California Pizza Kitchen because it is disgusting pizza and she only likes cheese, we couldn't eat at a steakhouse because they have bland steak, and we couldn't eat at Olive Garden because they have yucky noodles. So annoying. (Hint: I need a nice guy who will actually take me out and let me experience variety... haha.) That seems to be the extent of that. She did fail 2 classes in her fall semester and took 1 over during the winter quarter. With all of her free time and no job I question how she can fail.

My dad's health is getting somewhat better as he was FINALLY diagnosed last month after 2 years of arguing and fighting with Kaiser and the VA. The VA were surprisingly the ones to find the problem. He is on pills for the problem and surgery may be in the future. The surgeries that my dad had last year were only part of the problem, but never fully corrected the problems. He is hoping to be retired this year by the VA.

Maximizing Issues

No, not Maximizing Max (yeah, him). This time it is about maximizing the issue, which I tend to do. I blogged about all of the anger and hurt I was feeling after my grandma's passing. I have been grieving as you know, all of my crying, etc. while in the car. That stopped probably a week or so before Halloween. I dealt with it is my point I guess I'm trying to make and I did come to terms with it.

This past week the anticipation has been building. My aunt has promised a letter to the lawyer by Saturday apparently about what she can do moneywise when it comes to my grandma- this prior to the 17th when there is a court hearing about my grandma's body. It has been a mess this week- my aunt said this, she said that, etc. etc. It all just built and the only real crying I did was the tears I woke up with. The tears were only momentarily, but it was building. I feel like I was being worn down. I was chatting with The Guy tonight after texting him today, then calling him a couple times telling him I needed a friend. I needed someone to talk and I was looking for his perspective. The call didn't start off so well. It was text and then phone tag. When he finally called me back after the 4th time of ignoring his calls because I was so worked up in the tears he asked how I was. I told him I was not well. I then cried for the next 2-3 minutes just bawling on the phone. I felt bad that he had no clue what was going on and had to listen to this. I heard deep sighs he was making and seemed bothered, and I felt bad that the moment I talk to him the tears flow. I hung up. He called back a couple times and then texted for me to pick up and not hang up. I did. He asked if it was my grandma and aunt. I told him it was and told him the details. He told me that it was worth it to cry, some of my crying sounded really angry, and it was a good thing, to take care of myself tonight. The cries and conversations continued and we talk about how it is a lot of feelings like loneliness that I was feeling. I don't know how, but we got to talking about "minimizing things"- I was talking about stepping back, looking at each issue, thinking about it, not internalizing it, and how I don't, so I constantly maximize the issue and bring up a lot of hate within myself, which brings a lot of anxiety and tears. Sure there is some more emotional attachment and crying that can certainly be done this weekend we agreed, but I feel and can see for myself how I need to step back and think rather than becoming wrapped up in emotions.

The Guy did remind me that it was my pity party and I could cry if I want to and he began singing his version of the Leslie Gore hit. I continued on "you would cry to if it happened to you... dun dun dun dun dun dun" and we began singing that over the phone together. He did tell me he did cry too because it happened to him last night over the issue with Shawn.


I felt so bad, so embarrassed for after days of not talking to The Guy to only be able to cry. I know we're friends, but sometimes it seems like we drift in and out, and I know it is understandable, but I hate that. I texted and called him a few times and heard nothing back, so this little bit is not what I wanted when we started talking again. I wanted to chat, ask about what he was up to, see about hanging out, hear about his weekend with Shawn. We did talk about all of that and will probably hang out.

But from this convo with him I realized how this is kind of like any other weekend, but there are some additional emotion attached to it. It is ok to cry, but I should maybe minimize the issue, think, think about how it is deteriorating and hurting me.

Hard to read Chris

I wasn't even thinking it was Thursday yesterday, hence Thursday night TV with Chris. I had been meaning to text him all day while I was at work to tell him I had a dream about him. I had been so busy with work and family life that I hadn't really had a chance for anything else. I texted him about 2:30. I'd meant to do it hours earlier. I've had such severe allergy problems that I'm taking allergy meds to the max and that makes for some pretty awesome dreaming (downside is you don't wake up too relaxed).

Last night was no exception- you can read about my dream below that I had about Chris.





So we did all of the above.

Met at his place at 6:15p.m., then went to dinner. We went to an Italian place down the street from his apartment I had never been to. It wasn't great, but it was pretty good. We talked about so much- just like a date- we talked over what to eat, should we split or share what we are eating? We talked about school, I talked about work, he talked about work, swapped stories about our week, how mean I am at work, he talked about Christmas and wanting to go somewhere since he won't have his son he doesn't want to do the family thing. We talked about facebook apps like Grindr and how scary it was. I told him my story about it. We talked about family. I told him a little about what was going on with my family since he asked how I was holding up since my grandma's death.

We get back to his place, then get our swimsuits and change to go to the hot tub in his complex. We get down there and chat a lot about school. We talk about how happy I am at the college I am at. He asked if I was worried about loans because I should already be pretty indebted because of my undergrad, but I told him why I graduated from college with no debt. Then we talked about his education, how his grandpa is encouraging him to go back and get his doctorate, but he is so over school. We talked about the situation with my grandma a little more. It was a good conversation and felt good to just let it out. We talked about teaching- becoming an administrator. He told me about his friend who has been pink slipped every year she has taught and she has taught nearly 10 or 11 years and how she lives so frugally because of the constant threats of being terminated. I told how my dad was pink slipped after working in the same district for 8 years and the constant threat for my mom being a home ec teacher. Good talk and enjoyed how he said he admires me for going into teacher.

Then we go back upstairs. I use the bathroom, so I close the door and decide to change. When I come out he makes fun of me for changing behind closed doors when he has seen me nakey before. I wish I hadn't changed behind closed doors in that case... haha.

So we settle in for Thursday night TV. So we could skip through the commercials quick we watch a quick episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," and we talk about had we ever been to Philadelphia. I had been to Pennsylvania like Hershey and Gettysburg, but not Philadelphia. While we're watching TV Chris develops severe heartburn. Severe heartburn. He takes some pills for it then kind of lays on the couch with his computer trying to distract himself. He is playing Bejeweled and farming on facebook. We watch "The Office," which is HILARIOUS. I was laughing and cringing sooooo much. After "30 Rock" we called it a night, I grabbed my leftovers from dinner, got my swimsuit, and headed home.

So for um not dating and not being sexually compatible, a hot tub, dinner, and TV on the couch sure sounded like one... haha... I'm not hurt. I'm not falling into the trap if that is what it is. I'll just consider it a good time with a friend.

Things are looking up

Pretty excited here... kind of nice...

- still dealing with tons of stress regarding the aunt. There were several lows this week. Lots of drama. I am still heartbroken over what she did, said, and happened. I'm just hoping my aunt is as stupid and what she said this week was the truth. She could be in major trouble not just with the family, but the law.

- A week off from school.... much needed

- Subbing 4 days next week for Linda

- Subbed yesterday for 1 hour and got paid for a full day

- Because I subbed for that hour I didn't get a chance to get my pedicure (I got the sub call at 12p.m. as I was heading out to do that)... lol... so gay... I know... lol... Chris inspired me... we were chatting the other night how we both needed our toenails cut and how our toes were so ugly... we both agreed pedicures were in order... so um... I am going to do that... should be fun... lol.. I know lots of guys who get them... need to find time for one... maybe tomorrow...

- Still having these awful headaches... they have been pretty much constant in the past 2-3 weeks.

- We bought a living room set at Ashley Furniture last weekend. It was $2,200, but on sale for $1,100. 50% off. Everything was delivered today, so we have been rearranging the furniture. I am in love. Red rust couches. Brown metal end and cocktail tables with glass. Our old couches were from 1994. We are getting rid of the end tables from 1974. Living room looks a whole lot more modern. Love the color!!!


- Cleaned out my closet- as in not just taking the clothes out, but all the stuff in the back I never touch. Sooooo much better now!!! Got rid of a lot. Also did all my laundry. Feeling pretty good about that. Things are organized once again and smelling good.

- We got a loan!!! We were approved during the summer, but only had time to get the new roof put on. Yay for that! Parents have great credit, but after the whole credit crunch we weren't approved. Just got approved during the summer. We can now finish redoing the house. That means...

- New windows (dad is going to buy them on Tuesday without my mom's knowledge... she'll throw a fit either way whether she knows our not... she'll say he bought the cheapest windows (not true- these will be the ones that qualify for the tax rebate because they are energy efficient)... how she wasn't consulted... but this is how my parents work after 30+ years of marriage... if they want it they do it... my mom is against it because it costs money... once the windows are installed she won't complain because her friend's son will do the install and so we're "helping" him with $$$ and they'll be pretty)

--- To explain how my parents work my mom was complaining how "aged" everything looked in the house and went out and just bought new carpet without telling my dad last year... also did the same when it came to an ugly couch she bought last year... that's how they work...

- Central air/heat (yes... our house is that old that it doesn't have it... seriously I don't know how we've survived in So Cal... mom has thrown a fit for years about how much it would cost... my dad basically said we are doing it PERIOD---
I'm calling to have it installed Monday)

- New doors... hopefully some nice doors with lots of glass to bring in lots of light

- New kitchen - a few months away, but things are moving!

- Waiting for JC Penney to have 70% off on blinds and curtains before we update the living room even more.

- My mom bothers me in that she insists on holding onto everything... thankfully my dad "found someone" (named the trash company) and "needs" end tables and old coffee tables.

Edit:
- Oh, and this just occurred. Sis was out all day while the couches were being delivered. Sister liked the old couches so much, despite the fact they were so ugly (well, with age, they were)... but my sister likes junk, so what do you expect? Anyways, she came got home about 15 minutes ago, saw the new couches, and said "yuck! I am never sitting in here again! These are ugly!" I laughed. Sister has complained for months how she doesn't want to get rid of the couches because she likes to sleep on them. Then she goes in her room, comes out, and suddenly her bed is broken. She has a twin metal bed in her room and she decided she wanted the old couch as her bed. She unscrewed a leg off of her bed and tried to bend it. Thankfully my parents said tough and gave the old pads on the couch to the dogs and put them in their dog houses. Victory! Poor sis. NOT!!! Sis had to put the leg back on her bed, of course there were all the cries of how she couldn't lift the bed, the bed was now on the floor, you get the idea.

Survey Time

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My ass. Soap it up, then move onto legs, then upper body. Why start there? I'm not sure.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
My OP hoodie. It is the only hoodie I own.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes.

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
When I am there standing in front of the closet door wondering what to wear.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Irritable

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
Honestly, nothing. My phone is black and chrome. My computer is silver.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
It was a nightmare.

9. What are you craving right now?
Something with caramel like a Macchiato or chocolate chip cookies

10. Do you floss?
All the time. I keep floss in my car.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
My grandma's jello salad with carrots and cabbage that I'm never going to have again made just the way she did.

12. Are you emotional?
Lately, yes. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I am just dealing with so much with my aunt, family, and stuff like that.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
In 2nd grade when we had to do that packet where we wrote in every number from 0-1000 in a square grid that probably had 50 squares per page. It went on and on.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Bite. How do you lick ice cream out of a bowl? I do the bowl and cone approach.

15. Do you like your hair?
No. At times it is stringy and most often it won't go and do what I want. The color isn't bad.

16. Do you like yourself?
I do, I do, I do oooooh

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
If he is paying, why not? We can talk about nuculer energy or something.

18. What are you listening to right now?
The Eyewitness News 5p.m. intro... yes... like this one...


19. Are your parents strict?
No... I knew what I could and couldn't do... they let me pretty much do what I wanted within reason.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Um. Sometimes I think it would be fun, others I get nervous and think of the falling feeling I would probably get throughout my body. It is that feeling you get when you are sleeping and suddenly fall. Am I the only one who ever has that? I would probably do the real thing if it were on the back of a professional. Or maybe in a wind tunnel...

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
In manicotti. I haven't had it in years.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Bob Barker, Travis Barker, Toby Keith, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a few others

23. Do you rent movies often?
No. First I have to have the attention span to sit and watch a movie, and I don't. I also have Direct TV where there are bunches of movies on the movie channels I have never watched because I don't have the attention span.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
The button on a pair of jeans on my bed.
I just realized the closet door handles are a curious shiny gold. Makes them seem expensive.

25. How many countries have you visited?
1- Los Estados Unidos

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
When I was little I'd prank call... like up to 6th grade and then TPing became cool.

27. Ever been on a train?
Metrolink Trains, Metrolink Weekends beach train a few years back, the NYC Metro, DC Metro

28. Brown or white eggs?
Either... they're food... I don't discriminate

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
I couldn't be without. It is ALWAYS on me. Always.

30. Do you use chap stick?
Nightly. I put on hand cream and chapstick as I'm going to bed. Is that gay?

31. Do you own a gun?
A couple BB guns that I got when I was in Boy Scouts thousands of years ago.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
I've only used them a couple times and I will not use them for rice. I think the last time I did was with The Guy and we used it for the meat entree, but used forks for the rice.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Myself and I- we've got some straightening out to do. My parents are out with my aunt and uncle. Sisso will probably be in her bedroom. I'll either be hitting LA Fitness, the mall, or something. Feeling the need to get out.

34. Are you too forgiving?
To some people. If I care about you and have a reason to feel like you deserve a second chance, then yes. Family and friends get second chances. Others, eh, not so much. I still remember the kid today who pissed me off for talking back to me. He did that the other day, too. No, I am not sorry I didn't let him use the bathroom. No I don't forgive him for being sorry for interrupting my damn class because he had to use the bathroom. I was trying to teach, damn it.

35. Ever been in love?
Once... I felt that with The Guy a couple times. I'm over that now.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Teaching flight lessons from 7a.m.-5p.m., then going home probably.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
On Monday night during our potluck at school. So good! They had powdered sugar on them. Those are so good!

38. Last time you cried?
This morning driving to work I just felt really sad and bothered. Got to work and nobody knew. I hate that I feel so comfortable crying in my car, but I guess that's when I really feel free.

39. What was the last question you asked?
I asked my dad, "What did the doctor say?" in response to his doctor's appointment today.

40. Favorite time of the year?
Winter! Rain! Warm clothes! Clothes that just look complete.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No... I change my mind too much... having urges to get my nipples pierced again, though. May just do it.

42. Are you sarcastic?
I can be.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Nope

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Walls, doors, cabinets.

45. Favorite color?
Medium blue and forest green

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yep... all the time... in joking around
I hit Chris last Thursday jokingly after he said something about me liking older guys and choosing the most un-hot DILF.
Slap... slap... hit... yes... slap... not so much

47. Is your hair curly?
No... thankfully

48. What was the last CD you bought?
The last complete CD was probably The Airborne Toxic Event
The last songs were Blackhawk (90s country) "Every Once in a While" and "I'm Not Strong Enough to Say No"
I also bought 3A.M. by Matchbox 20


49. Do looks matter?
Yes, but there's a bunch of other things that are important too like trustworthiness, caring, and sense of humor.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Forgive...No
Forget...NO

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
iPhone ($30 additional per month)
iPhone text plan ($20 additional per month)
You tell me...

52. Do you like your life right now?
It is a tough question.
I love school.
Work is pretty fun at times when I get the calls.
I'm feeling a little down trying to stay in contact with everyone.
I'm having such a hard time with aunt drama and all the legal stuff from that.
I am at a good place, though. I'm getting my Masters. I have great friends. My car is paid off. I have an iPhone. I have money in the bank. I am employed. It rained today. So sure, I like life.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. I need complete darkness and only the noise of my air filter.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Be truthful with me. That's all I ask. I hate lies. I hate my aunt. She is not truthful. I like my friends because we can be completely honest with each other.

55. Do you have good vision?
Yep

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
I hate my aunt.
3 people... I'm searching...
Only 1 comes to mind...
Hate is such a strong word, but after what she has done to my grandma, to my family, to me, sure, hate.
Dramatic? No.
She deserves whatever happens to her.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
All the time. Yay for friends with AT&T like The Guy, Gonzo, Joe, Chris, and more.
I hate texting.

58. The last person you held hands with?
Probably Chris a few months back at the movies or walking from the movies.

59. What are you wearing?

Gray GAP pullover sweater and blue fleece sweatpants here at home

At work I was rocking the Gray GAP sweater, Navy blue Levi jeans, and Navy blue Vans casuals

Also have to include the important undergarment, which would be turquoise trunks

60.What is your favorite animal?
a dog
a guy

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
I don't have one. On my facebook it was taken in my car and on my myspace it was taken at my old college.

62. Can you hula hoop?
For about 15 seconds

63. Do you have a job?
2
love them
tutor and teacher

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Lunch at Wienerschnitzel
2 necklaces at Forever 21 for my cousin that she told me she liked

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes... when I locked myself out of the house

Made it through the weekend

Wanted to say thanks sooooo much to everyone who messaged me, commented, or emailed me to comfort me. I made it through the weekend, which was difficult, especially Saturday. I was with family, that added, yet helped the anxiety. We did go out to lunch at a nice restaurant on Saturday, bought a living room set, I went to The GAP, and got a lot of other shopping done. Good time!

Oh, and I bought yellow corduroy pants. Yes. I'm daring.
I think I need to find some shoes that match now. I can't really wear yellow cords and a blue shirt with brown shoes now, can I?

Still hurting

It has been 3 weeks since my grandma died, but I'm still hurting. The feelings I was feeling back then were much of shock and a lot of hurt from what my aunt had done. I had a hard time crying and opening up at first. Now the hurt isn't so much my grandma has gone, it is the hurt, the pain, that my aunt has caused since then.

The weeks that have followed have been extremely difficult because of all the hurdles and stupid things my aunt has done. We are involved in a nasty court battle with her. She is a despicable human being. I cannot believe it. I guess this is where my stress, tears, and worry all come in. It is expensive for the lawyer, which is causing a lot of stress/financial hardship that I constantly hear about. My aunt continues to take stuff out on me and that hurts. I try to not show it- I just ignore it. All of this is taking a toll on me. How many more fucking times can my aunt say something to further hurt me? I know- try to stop her- ignore her- but it never works out and still seeps down in my skin. Some days I get in the car and just want to cry, and do. I feel like I can truly cry here and not feel bad about it. It is where I am alone and for whatever reason the tears come so freely. I'm sure these are tears from the anxiety/worry/stress, but it is tough. I have so few people to talk to (other than a therapist and the 2 people I have told about the drama). I don't have The Guy or others to really talk to. The weekends, like this one, are tough where we have no plans. I love the time away free with friends and when I am not home because everything ceases- no drama- just relaxation and not thinking about the issue.

To give you an idea what I'm going through

In the obituary my aunt wrote she did not include my name. She included my aunt and uncle, my mom and dad, and of course herself and her husband. She listed my sister and cousins in Oklahoma as grandchildren. She even went on to name the great-grandchildren. But she overlooked my name.

My aunt in OK got to proof the obituary and she said she didn't see my name, sent it back telling my aunt about that error, and forwarded it to me because I asked for it. My aunt said she was ready to send it to be published, and my name was not in the final copy. She did not list me in the fucking obituary. I am as much apart of this family as everyone else. I don't care we don't get along, my parents don't get along with my aunt, and they were included. My sister, too. Have some decency. Have some class. Have some respect. I know it is just an obituary, a name in the newspaper, whatever, but hell, words hurt, verbal or in print.

Wednesday morning edit: The obituary is in our newspaper this morning and my name is not there. That hurts beyond belief. I saw my grandma's name, threw the paper across the room, began bawling, and then went back to read it. So cruel.

What happened- in response to the last post

Well, Saturday morning my grandma died. We had known her health had been on the decline for the past month.

A text message, some investigating on my end, sifting through the lies, calling around, and more to find out about my grandma's health. Lies from my aunt about grandma's health. Cussing me out nonstop and saying other not so nice things all weekend. The lies and deception pretty much explain the entire weekend. My aunt is one sneaky bitch, and we're trying to be two steps ahead of her at all times. We think she was lashing out against me to make her next move. It's a mess.

I haven't really had a time to break down all weekend. I felt trapped, and that's why I said I had nobody to turn to. I had nowhere to go and cry, just let all the feelings out. Thankfully I was not called to sub today. I did break down this morning when my iPod mix played one of my grandma's favorite songs.

She was from W. Va and she would recite this song when explaining why she liked W. Va. This was one of her favorite songs to dance with my grandpa. He only went to 1 high school reunion, and the one he went to was held in the W. Va state capitol because someone from his graduating class ended up being the governor of W. Va. My grandma said that she got to dance in the dome of the capitol and it was lit up with blue lights.



I really want to say thanks to Bruce, JC, Masked AEK, James, El Genio, ezminty, anonymous, and everyone else who checked in with me over the weekend, or left a comment. I truly appreciate it to know that so many people care about me.

Numb

I should feel tears. I know they are there, but they won't come. I just need to and want to cry, but can't. Last night I could have completely broken down, but held myself together for fear of crying in front of my parents, which is stupid. Now, now, when it has actually happened I can't seem to. Is it that I have distanced myself from the situation for so long that I don't feel anything, just numb?

At a moment I need someone to be close to I don't have anyone to talk to. This is so screwed up. The way we are handling this. My dad, especially. I am here and can't let myself cry. The Guy is off in Detroit and not returning calls/texts (he hasn't for the past month). I don't feel like talking to Gonzo or anyone like that because I doubt the tears would come/feel the comfort I want/need.

Life has gotten in the way

Life has gotten in the way this week. I seem to be on the go nonstop.

Monday- School 10-4, then ran to Rancho for the Apple Store, then studied for the CSET
Tuesday- Worked 7-2:30, then studied for the CSET that evening
Wednesday- School 10-12, then worked 12:30-2:30, then studied with The Guy, went to the gym, and more studying
Thursday- Worked 7-2:30, then did lots of work related stuff until 4, then allergy shots, gym, and studying for the CSET.
Friday- Worked 7:45-9:30, school 10-11, back at work from 11:30-2:30, vegging until after dinner, then more studying
Saturday- nice calm morning planned, big lunch, then test from 1:30-7
Sunday- tons of homework- reading for Spanish, WMST and Spanish research paper proposals (both are my finals for the classes, btw), and art class reading
Monday- Dentist at 8a.m., school 10-4
Tuesday- work (probably)
Next week: Start on Women's Studies group presentation

Other things:
- Haven't heard or seen Carl since the fallout (WHEW!)
- My new partner in Spanish, Steven, is AWESOME. He is such a shy guy and we've only spoken a few words in person, but he does the work and writes long detailed emails about his ideas
- My dad isn't doing so well and it is really hurting me to see
- Aunt in Nor Cal drama continues, but this week has been amusement more than anything. She sinks to new lows daily.
- Branching out in the clothing department this week. Wore brown khakis, pink buttondown shirt on Monday. Today I wore a purple AE t-shirt and blue jeans. Got lots of complements both days.

And since I've been busy as we can see I need to plan some fun. The fun this weekend will be visiting McDonalds and writing a review in English and Spanish for my professional website about them. I will also visit Starbucks for a comparison.

Update: My boss said he'd have the recommendation for me by today to review and edit. Edit was an understatement. In 3 paragraphs with a total of 14 sentences I counted 11 errors (basic grammar and spelling). I've seen other things he has written, and he cannot spell. He spells gym "j-i-m" if that gives you an indication. He told me to edit and make suggestions. I'm really embarrassed to take it back to him. I am thinking of writing him a short note thanking him for the praise and how I am really grateful for it, then just in a pencil go through and edit.

On edge

It is week 5 at school, 5 more weeks to go this quarter, 1 week of finals, then I graduate. WOW!!!

I had a midterm yesterday in Spanish. It was an oral presentation. It was supposed to be with Carl. I didn't have any of Carl's material at 10a.m. Monday, which is when I told him I wanted the information so I could put it in the Powerpoint. I wasn't surprised. He called me nearly a dozen times beginning at 3:30a.m. Wednesday morning to let me know he didn't have it. I keep my cell phone on all the time (for family reasons), but I'm sure everyone does. After about 8 repeated calls I turned my phone off, and by 4:30a.m. I had received 20 calls. So much for forgetting my phone number. Anyways, by 1:30p.m. yesterday I had 5 myspace messages from him that I'm sure you guys don't want to read about, because I don't, and each time I got one it sent me into an emotional spiral (although I didn't read them) because I was mad and worried about things like my grade, something Carl isn't worried about. Presentation ended up going well and I knew Carl's info. well enough, and explained to the professor Carl was gone.

I have been waking up at 4:30a.m. or so every morning. It is not fun.

I have had 2 horrible days at work. The 7th graders are out of control. Administration doesn't care. I felt powerless and wanted to cry. I usually don't let the kids get to me like that, but it was just a combo of stuff going on this week/nerves about work/grad school. I had a kid throw up in my classroom today and we had to finish the rest of the day in the cafeteria. Kids were wacko afterwards all day.

Have felt really alone this week- just a lack of support from work, family is focused on issues with my dad and aunt in Nor Cal, The Guy and I have been going to hang out, but he is busy in the evenings, and our schedules are conflicting. Gonzo has been really busy too.

Money on my end- My paycheck wasn't deposited into my account when it was supposed to be and was put in an old account (thanks Altura, Fucking Idiot, Credit Union) causing lots of overdrafts and me to have to run up several hundred in credit card charges. They waived the overdrafts after me raising hell. I don't know if I mentioned, but this is the bank that thought going to WEHO with the bloggers back in March 2008 and withdrawing $43 from an ATM (after $3 surcharge) was suspicious, and going to Kentucky this past summer was also supsicious. My money will be moved when I'm paid on the 9th of the month completely into a different bank. I know I just need to let the bank know I frequently travel out of the IE area, but I'm fed up with them. I've filled out the forms at work already to have my check put in my new bank. I already have the account set up at the other bank, so we're good to go.

Family stuff- we're on edge about my dad's health (he's been to the doctor 3 times this week) and drama with my aunt in Nor Cal. When we should be closer as a family because we're worried about my dad and rooting for him, we're separated because everyone is running in 10 different directions because of the aunt situation.

The good news? I need to think positively, which I've really been trying to do, and it has helped. This stuff is keeping me sane and I feel "lucky" that this stuff is going right...


"Lucky" - jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

Went out with a guy named Luke I met on connexion a few months back, last night. We went to the club Carl and I had been going to. We had been chatting for a while. He is a Mac user and needed an IEEE-1394 cable, which I had several extra. I said if he bought me a nice, strong drink, I'd give him my IEEE-1394 cable. We share a lot of the same things in common (teacher, went to my college, Mac user) and so enough to be friends. We agreed and went out and chatted. Met him at 10:30 last night and got home around 12, only to wake up at 3:30 and doze off until 4:44a.m.

Texting Hottie and I are still texting. Gonzo and I finally, sort of, caught up over text and are planning on going out soon. My coworker Marci and I have been chatting a lot, and for once, someone is randomly texting me. Best friend down in Mississippi and I have also chatted a lot and want to do something together this summer.

I got a letter of interest for a job I applied for. I had a good conversation with my dad about some school/stuff related to my future.

I think the Spanish presentation went well. I have a new partner named Steven, whom is very EASY to work with. We met after class yesterday for our presentation on Wednesday. He said he'd do the second half of the chapter if I did the first, we'd both get a book from the library for "additional resources," and I told him to have his information to me by Monday night to compile it. He said not to worry, he'd have to it to me by 5:00p.m. Saturday afternoon. I am inclined to believe him, he is on top of his stuff.

I had my graduation announcement photos taken today and have already seen them, and picked out my favorite. The photographer knows that I am really interested in journalism and she said I needed some nice headshot photos if I do a website or something, and so she went in with that mindset when doing my photos. I LOVE MY PHOTOS, and do plan to put them on my website. It really made me feel kind of sexy to get the photos done, and they really turned out well, haha.

Update: Much better mood this morning. Slept at least 7 hours last night and didn't wake up once.

Progressive night/dinner

Carl is a kid in my Spanish class. I have mentioned him before- never in any great detail on this blog, but he has come up I I'm pretty sure. WHen I hang out with him we usually watch movies or go to bingo. He just got his bartending license and I hadn't hung out with him in a while, so since I was having a hard night emotionally I wanted out. I knew he was free since I talked to him in class. He was talking about how he loves to go out for drinks on Friday the 13th in class today.

So I was sitting at home and something just happened with my Aunt in Nor Cal that upset everyone. Rather than hear my mom talk about how upset she was and wrong this is, and get upset about the issue I figured I'd just call a friend. I figured it would be fun to go to a bar since Carl just got his bartending license, he could tell me what was in the drinks, but also he likes going out for drinks on this day. I called him up and was at his place 30 minutes later. I said we should go to TGI Fridays because it was Happy Hour so drinks and appetizers were 1/2 off. He ordered a mojito and I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. Then I had him tell me how to make both of the drinks when they arrived, which was fun. He was able to rattle it off with no problem. The Long Island Iced Tea was ok. Since appetizers were 1/2 off I suggested we order the Artichoke and Spinach Dip. We used drinks to catch up on each other's lives- his job hunt and me being busy with school.

It was still only 5:30 and Carl said if we got in the car and rushed back near his house there was a sushi place that was having happy hour until 6. More drinks? No. 1/2 off sushi. I'm not a big sushi fan- I've had California rolls once or twice and was never a fan. We went in and he knows already I'm not a sushi lover. So he asks me what I like. He asked if I liked cream cheese, so ordered me a roll with that, then a California roll. It was OK... not great... I stomached it... I knew I could. Actually the cream cheese roll was pretty good. We each had 2 rolls for about $5.50 per person. He showed me all the cool features on his Sprint phone like live TV and while that is nice, and I was a slight bit jealous, I remembered my iPhone trumps that. Mine has a bigger screen. And one day it'll will probably be able to show live TV. Maybe?

We were out of there by 6:30 and still hungry. What to do... what to do... We decide to go to Chick-Fil-A for fries for and cokes. Total = $5.00

We decided to walk through Target to pass time and bought a bag of popcorn for $1.09. We still had our Chick-Fil-A drinks. We walked around there and got bored quickly. I suggested we see a movie since the theater was right there. He didn't care what we saw, so I said we were seeing "Confessions of a Shopaholic"- the biggest chick flick out right now. I said he made me do some things I wasn't fond of tonight like trying the sushi, so he was doing something I wanted. Carl is gay and I am too, so no big deal. It was an OK movie.. it had cute moments, but the plot seemed to be lacking. Carl admitted he liked the movie.

LET ME SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT HERE- I HAVE NO ATTRACTION TO CARL- WE ARE SO UNALIKE MUSICWISE, THOUGHTS, IDEAS ON LIFE. WE DO BOTH LIKE TO EAT AND ARE TAKING THE SAME SPANISH CLASSES. ONLY COMMONALITIES. HE'S NOT MY TYPE AT ALL, BUT A NICE GUY.

After the movie we were still hungry, so we hit up Del Taco for chicken tacos. He had 3 and I had 1 for $4.59. We ate them in the car and listened to Depeche Mode as we went back to his house.

It was about 9:30 by the time we were done and I figured things were all calm on the home front.

So in summation:
TGI Fridays, RA Sushi, Chick-Fil-A, Target popcorn, movies, and Del Taco = lots of fun

Long Island Iced Tea and Mojito, plus artichoke dip = $13.55 + Tip = $15.00
My sushi and his sushi = $11.00 + Tip = $12.00
Chick-Fil-A = $5.00
Target popcorn = $1.09
2 movie tickets = $20.00
Del Taco= $4.59
= $57.68
= I paid for drinks and the movie tickets = $35.00

Fun times, though. Worth the money.
I'd love to do this with another friend or group of friends where we have a little progressive dinner. I have always wanted to do one of these with friends, and had no clue tonight would work out that way. Lots of time in the car, listening to good music, talking, and trying new things. This would be totally fun to do with a boyfriend or something like that. Or even just a night where you grab dinner, then sit in the car and talk with the guy you like... I can dream.

Where have I been?

No real activity to report gay scene or coming out wise, but I just wanted to let you know I'm still here.

I'll update you on some of the stuff going on right now:
- Looking at teaching credential programs and options for next year
- Updating my resumé
- Should work on my cover letter, but have no motivation
- Subbing lots
- Dealing with rotten students
- Getting tons of complements on my stylish clothes
- Haven't talked to The Guy really (talked on Tuesday for about 10 minutes and today for about 30). I made a comment that really infuriated him a few weeks back that I'm sure he'd do anything for Josh, but not me. We didn't talk for a good two weeks or so... we may hang out this weekend. It felt like The Guy was pushing me away, especially around my birthday (I only got a text saying "Happy Birthday," and given our friendship, history, etc. I was expecting more, but know he was pissed off for that comment I made days earlier. And when I say pushing me away, I mean friendship-wise. Talking to him the past 2 days has been great.
- Have had a rough week with other friendships also, which really made me feel alone. Saw Mike driving the other day at Del Taco and he walked out the other door, then when we were both getting in our cars, he flipped me off
- Talking with fellow bloggers/comments have really made me feel great
- Still haven't talked to anyone from the text message fallout
- Got my hours cut at the high school tutoring gig today- 4 hours total by the end of the week and due to Schwarzenegger's budget cuts and the district being cautious it'll probably be gone until next year. This job is my major spending money for dining out with friends, shopping, etc. My subbing paycheck is pretty much savings. It is sad when I have more time this quarter to be there and I'd really like to get to know those coworkers better. By the end of the month this job will probably be over for the rest of the year.
- Budget cuts school-wise... 10 teachers will be slashed from my mom's school next year and enrollment will be the same- she's worried because she's an elective teacher, plus she is a vocal critic of the administration (but for good reason)
- I dropped my poor Mikebook Pro the first day back at school for this quarter and damaged the edge. It is repairable, but it'll be expensive... hope The Guy can fix it when we do hang out... if we do...

A good song I'm enjoying to break up all the text... "Sex On Fire" by Kings of Leon


- Was involved in a serious accident Saturday night- I'm safe- minimal damage to my dad's car (popped grille). I'm ok- I wasn't at fault and there was no way I could have avoided it. Emotionally, it has been difficult given what happened and so much unexplained
---- Why was I in my dad's car? Well, I was trying to get his car detailed (my Christmas gift to him), but the car wash had closed and my mom called me to take a detour to the fabric store for her, and then the accident happened on the way home. My insurance company has in fact been thanking me for stopping, reporting the accident, and being the first to call 9-1-1
- My parents bought me a bedroom set for my birthday/Christmas and the bed frame is finally coming tomorrow
- My dad is finally walking again with a walker and is going through physical therapy- he is also back at work
- Major family drama with the aunt.... that never stops
- Had a couple bad evenings this weekend and I spent a lot of time in my room crying. My mom knew something was up, came in, talked to me, told me how I can tell her anything, how if I'm upset, she's upset, if I can't sleep, she can't. I was really upset about some things I should have been able to tell her, but wasn't able to. Still haven't told her, but I've been ok the past couple days. Thank goodness for the anxiety meds... I'd be a wreck right now otherwise I believe...
- School... well... I'm making it... not enjoying my classes... but making it... trying my hardest to enjoy them... using school as an escape and a motivation right now... senioritis? not so much... it is an outlet/escape more than anything
- Friends at school- I'm hanging out with my friend Dennis and he is introducing me to some of his friends at school, so I've met a couple new people like his friend Ryan (the one who I blogged about helping me with the teaching program since I missed the deadline and he works in that office)

I want to post some photos of random stuff in the near future, so stay tuned...

Got out of coming out

Sorry to build your anticipation and make you think I was going to come out to my mom after the last post. DID NOT AND DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN.

So The Guy called me at 1:30 after he left work. We talked for a few minutes and I told him the situation. We talked about my mom and how she doesn't believe I have had a drink before, so I had doubts she thought I was gay. He said ok, but mom's just know. We blabbed on the issue for about 15 minutes. Then he ended asking me what I was doing tonight. I really wanted to see and talk to him further about the issue because it was driving me crazy and I wasn't getting the answer I needed from The Guy over the phone. I took my sister to the bookstore and dropped her off so my mom could pick her up and they could go get allergy shots. I drove over to The Guy's.

I stopped and paid $4.05 for gas and it took $40 to fill my car. I was mad when I got off the freeway at The Guy's exit and see gas for $3.99, especially after it had been higher where he lives for several weeks. I really try to fill up at the cheapest station and monitor gas price websites.

Anyways, I get to The Guy's place about 3:30 and he is trying to fix his computer. He finally took the RAID card out. It was major surgery and the new hard drives in the computer weren't working, so he was trying to get them to be recognized. It worked FINALLY.

We talk and clean up his place- emptying the trash mainly and trimming his dog's nails. His dog was very fidgety and constantly moving backward almost making me lose my balance.

The Guy said Jeff was probably going to come over today. He did shortly after this and we sat on the couch. The Guy showed him Age of Conan and we sat watching The Guy die as he played in PVP mode, and told him about the game. I told Jeff and The Guy about all the articles I've been reading about how this is the WOW crusher because of the number of players in the first week (40,000, which is more than WOW's first week). I pointed out though, that in 2004 WOW was a new thing and MMOs have been around longer and evolved, so naturally it seemed there would be more people than in WOW's first week. I also talked about how the combat is more real in this and why. Jeff and I had fun making fun of The Guy. Jeff could hardly sit down and was up looking at The Guy's DVDs, playing with The Guy's air pump for his bike, and things like that. Jeff talked about how his mom is having a lot of problems and stuff like that. Jeff left after about an hour after we all made sandwiches and ate.

We sit down afterward at about 6:10 to play AOC. I had just listened to voicemails on my phone and I had a call from my aunt in Oklahoma- nothing bad, but the comment rehashed a bunch of memories/emotions about me coming out. I had my hands over my eyes and The Guy asked me if I was ok. I said "yeah, I'll be fine." He told me to move my hands and that's when I lost it. I walked into the bathroom and cried. Then I calmed down and went into the office because I just wanted to be alone.

The Guy came in about 20 minutes later, putting his computer down, telling the guys he was playing with online that he needed to take a break. The Guy comes in and tells me to put my hands down on my knees. The tears were really flowing and I didn't want to because I didn't want them dripping in my mouth. The Guy asked what the voicemail said. I told him what the voicemail said and he said that's not a bad thing, and it wasn't. My aunt was telling me she wasn't doubting that I was straight. The problem I pointed out to The Guy is how this comment my other aunt made was something that could hurt me later and how it seems I'm forced to come out to my mom now. The Guy saw the problem and how it is like I have to. We talked and came up with a way for me to come out to my mom. He said that the ball is in my court if I were to say that now that this has happened I need to be honest and this can be a time of bonding and I just need you to know this. It was said much more eloquently by him, but that's the gist. Really, the plan was great and I was willing to do it if I absolutely had to. He was sympathetic toward my situation about how he doesn't envy me, how my coming out was going to be forced, and how it wouldn't be on my own terms, compounded with all the other problems taking place.

I still had doubts though and was pensive about doing it. The Guy asked what was bothering me the most and I said stability and how things probably won't be stable and coupled with all of the problems right now that is very important to me. He said well, he really didn't think I had any choice but to come out and not to worry. He asked how many classes needed before I can graduate, how I can just finish the 2 classes needed and stop pursuing my minor if needed, how I can work more hours, how I have the determination and the tenacity to make ends meet and get back up on my feet if my mom were to say cut me off financially or something like that. Then he reminded me I have him and can stay with him for as long as needed until I get back on my feet, how I do have some money set aside that I can use, etc. The Guy reminded me there was nothing wrong with being gay and made me repeat several times "I am gay," saying it louder each time until I was screaming it like he was.

I asked The Guy about his coming out. He could never bring himself to tell his mom either. Finally she asked him when he was 22. She had always had her suspicions, but it was confirmed when she asked.

Then I went on about how I was just worried because the words that someone said will probably pop up later and how I was worried about how the words will most likely come back and haunt me. This time I went into further detail explaining how and how coming out later because of this would hurt me so much and how the lying involved would really cause problems for me, and not just with family. Then The Guy realized even further how I hadn't told the appropriate person that I am gay and this issue needs to be hidden and how important that is because it is not relevant to anything else going on. While my sexuality has nothing to do with this issue, this person has to know for several reasons including: their unique relationship with my parents, the fact they can prevent my sexuality from being used against me later. BINGO!!! That's what I'm doing tomorrow and I'm 99% sure this will work. I really didn't think of this and I'm a little surprised I didn't, but I can see why I overlooked it.

We talked a little more about coming out issues that my mom would want to know about- sex, STD's, and so we talked about that stuff and I felt a little better.

Throughout this whole conversation The Guy was making fun of me. When he first walked in the office to get me to stop crying he noticed and asked if I was hard. I was wearing tight medium washed blue jeans and I was hard, somehow, despite all of this crying. He grabbed it and squeezed it. Then he at the end of our conversation did the same. He even opened the fly of my pants and grabbed my dick and pulled it out and jacked it. I went down on him shortly after and began sucking him off. Then we went to the bedroom, I sucked him for a few minutes, then we just sat talking, holding each other, jacking off. He asked what I wanted and I said to just be held and so after we cummed he just held me. It felt so good.

Afterward, we got up, talked more about how I am not in the wrong AT ALL. It is the other people involved. Then we talked about how I should have nothing to worry about. I thanked The Guy again for making me realize that yes, and how I need to approach the situation.

Then we went in the living room, sat down for a dose of "Law and Order." The Guy apologized to Mike in Oregon, whom he was playing with, and said I had an emergency and we needed to talk. He was understanding. The Guy was being killed by a guy in AOC when he was doing PVP. The same guy was chasing him down and killing his character. The Guy was getting upset. About 8:30 I decided to leave. I just wanted to come home and relax. I hugged and thanked The Guy profusely for helping me and talking about everything. It meant so much and really sat me straight. I was so convinced coming out was a must, and I don't think it was unreasonable to think that, but The Guy merely pointed out how there must be trust in this situation and how sexuality is such a delicate issue that can slander and defame a person.

Note: I understand I'm being very ambiguous and nondescript about what I say, but the details are so complex and rather person that I don't really want to elaborate.

Words hurt

Even though you might loathe someone and try to ignore everything they say, it is hard. Words hurt. Being told you're a lazy ass, have your head so far up your ass that you can't see the lights of day, how rude I am, how hurtful I am, and all of the things I don't do hurts. In reality, that is far from the truth. She is 600 miles away. She doesn't know half of the story. She may visit once a year. It really hurts because she is family. She doesn't know what I do daily for myself and everyone else. I should be able to say it is just an e-mail and click delete, but I can't. I do have to read the e-mails because my aunt only talks to me in the family, and I just know to brace myself and try to ignore all of the putdowns and thing of all the good things that I do for not only myself, but have done for my grandma, and everyone else.

The only good that comes out of this I guess is that it causes me to become more overly cautious at what I say to people. I try to be more sympathetic and not offend.