Doing better

I had a difficult day yesterday.

The Guy is of course in love with his new boy and had no time to talk. I really just needed someone to talk to, and I want to say thank you Bruce for chatting with me.

My mom was really distant yesterday, and again telling me how she can't deal with me, can't handle this, how it is so wrong. She was in a mood already after dealing with my aunt in Nor Cal, so she wasn't too pleasant when she got home. We had the news on, and they were doing the Ricky Martin story. Her response to the whole Ricky Martin coming out thing was "another one," and how he has kids, so that is so much more wrong and so much worse.

I came into contact with several who were talking about my coming out that were briefly mentioned in this post. I am so thankful that the people did call me back who were genuinely concerned about me. I did hear some people talking and saying things about my sexuality- not directly to my face, though. I just smiled and said hello when I saw them, nothing out of the ordinary.

Today things are more or less back to normal it seems with several of the people mentioned in the above paragraph. The people who were eyeing me yesterday and talking didn't for the mostpart. I did hear my sexuality come up once today, and I just replied "it effects you because?" A bit bold for me normally, but whatever.

Update: Coworkers Viv, Eddy, and Marci were hanging out this afternoon and invited me over. We got buzzed among other things, and had a fun time watching couples retreat. Eddy and I swapped stories. I told the group about the 55 year old the other night, and Eddy was busy lookimg at porn on the computer. They just laughed about the 55yo. Marci mentioned a couple of times that Eddy probably had a computer full of porn. So funny. Marci wanted to watch some of the porn, so I watched porn with Eddy and Marci. Crazy stuff. I was wondering if I was going to have a 4some with my coworkers- I would have drew the lines there- that would have been a big no-no in my book. Plus I would have had a hard time staying hard with 2 girls involved. Also looked for porn on the internet. We were looking for crazy search term stuff on some site Eddy knows for straight porn and we ended up watching a couple videos in his room together where 2 midgets were in a 3some.

Viv did show us some random youtube videos including these, which are great when you're buzzed:

So much on my mind

Woke up at 8 after getting to bed around 2:15 last night. Spent the day at Universal Studio (yes, 2nd time this week) with Darla, Iman, and several friends from high school that I don't see often. I was 1 of the 2 drivers. In my car we were bumping to country, pop, rock, etc., and I sunk as my heart desired. Everyone got a kick out of it. I had a great time. My friends were amazed how quick we got there by doing the 210 freeway to the 134- they all usually take the 101. The 210 in my mind can be the greatest kept secret, or worst, depending on time of day, where you're going, and traffic, but it is a beautiful freeway in general. We got on all rides except the studio tour. There were quite a few crowds, but the lines constantly move, which was nice. We took TONS of facebook photos. We also got caught up on each others lives. I enjoyed standing in lines with Darla and pointing out hot guys. So many hot guys there! We had some El Pollo Loco for lunch, but it was so much that we weren't hungry for Pinks Hot Dogs afterward, which was the plan. Kinda bummed about that. Pinks, for you out of towners is basically a popular hot dog stand where celebs and studio people frequent. Lots have hot dogs named after them- Martha Stewart has a hot dog named after her. We did walk around CityWalk afterward looking at the random shops and chatting. I had such a headache most of the afternoon in the back of my head and trailing to the front. I should have gone to the car to get my headache medicine, but instead popped a couple Tylenol, which don't do the trick. I still have the headache at 11:15p.m. Wasn't fun driving home with a headache, but I was the one who drove.

Haven't really had the chance to unwind from my weekend.

It was great to be around friends, but I didn't really get to talk to anyone and I just feel like I need to vent/have someone who can relate to me/talk about my frustrations from this past weekend. I don't know...

Got several calls while I was there this evening, which were good calls, but made me very apprehensive/anxious about tomorrow. I'm going to be seeing several people who I was outed to thanks to the acquaintance mentioned in this post. I know- I'm being vague.

My mom and I talked this evening when I got home as I was getting ready for bed, and the conversation seemed almost normal. My mom told me about playing poker last night with my friend John's parents. She told me about John's parents next major party, which will be a 50s themed party in July.

My dad was practically following me around the house to brag he did my laundry, which I hate since he does not do laundry well. Whites and reds don't go together, and bad things happen when they're mixed. My dad mainly insists on using those icky wire hangers, which drive me insane. I intentionally take out all the wood/plastic hangers when I have my clothes hung on them and stash them in my closet so when I do laundry my clothes are on hangers I like. Oh well. He didn't use my hangers. I won't complain- the clothes are clean making 1 less thing I have to do.

Although I felt kind of dirty after making out with a 55 year old guy last night just because he was some random stranger, it felt good, and I enjoyed it. I needed that whole go into a bar, not know anybody, and wind up with somebody.

I am apprehensive about doing a required online class this quarter that starts tomorrow I guess, and what seems like a very difficult class on Wednesday nights with lots of observations, lesson plan creation, teaching a lesson plan, and writing.

Trying to heal the pain...

Perhaps not heal the pain in the best way possible, but I tried. Everyone was busy or not returning calls/texts today. I was very pissed off. Gonzo didn't reply to my calls or texts. Darla didn't. The Guy and I talked Friday night, which helped, but didn't bother him since he was probably busy with his new guy- they're official. Foot Fetish said he'd meet me for the hockey game I had tickets to, but bailed last minute. I didn't text Dennis since he was with his date most of the day. I did text Viv, and she replied. I texted my best friend in MS, and he replied, so some did care enough to reply when I needed them the most. I was (this close) really close to saying some not so nice things to Gonzo and Darla. Oh well. I didn't. I lived.

At home it seems to feel like a Stepford Wives situation where my mom is acting like everything is perfect, but it isn't deep down. It is all a facade. My mom acts like everything is perfect, or ignores me. It hurts. I want so badly to say something, but don't know what to say. I'm just going about acting normal. The silence however, coupled with the silence from friends drove me insane and I needed to get out. I pondered the hockey game alone, but then decided to go to the bar.

Again, I want to say thanks for all of your comments who left them on my previous posts. I've read them NUMEROUS times the past couple days and it means a lot to know that people care. And thanks for the random instant messages, emails, etc.

So tonight I went to a bar in a different city where I knew I wouldn't run into anyone i'd know and try to meet someone- temporary, but it seemed like a good thing at the time since I needed some excitement. I'd been wanting to check out this bar for a long time since it was predominantly latino, and I love me latino guys, especially latino gay guys. There were a lot of lesbians at the bar, though, latinas. I was thinking of Mind of Mine while doing this and his experience. I went in, sat down, ordered a Miller Lite, and sat down at the bar. I got a call from my friend Iman, so I stepped away from the bar. I didn't feel like sitting back at the bar, so I stood along a long wall in the bar where others were congregating. I did message James, and had a nice chat with him on my iPhone. I was all alone and other couples/groups were filing in. I felt really alone. I was getting discouraged. I decided to order up another beer and chatted with one of the waiters.As I finished my 2nd beer i had the guts to walk up to a guy who had been eyeing me all night.

He was dressed in a red small squared plaid shirt with a black velvet logo or something on the back, black jeans, and basketball shoes. He was pretty hot. He is kind of what I think of as one of the types of latino guys I like- he had the Michael Maloney from Extreme Makeover Home Edition look going on- except with a brownish copper hair, and probably 10 pounds more than Michael. He was hot. I walked up to him, we joked about ahving a hard time approaching each other, then he leaned in and kissed me. We introduced ourselves. He was Dave, and I was MIke. He asked my age, told me i wouldn't guess his. I guessed 30. I figured at most he was 40. He told me he was 55. I nearly shit myself. Ok... um... so yeah. He lives at home and takes care of his parents. He joked botox and stuff helped. Sure did. He is a former hairdresser. We chat, kiss, then decide to dance. We dance to some Lady Gaga "Just Dance," and "Poker Face." We grind on the dance floor and feel each other up. Then we take a break so we can get a drink, then chat some more. I reveal almost nothing to him. I question whether or not to end it with him that early, but I liked the attention, and hey, he was a good kisser, he was touching me in just the right places, and I needed the affection/attention. More kissing, and soon we are making out hands on each others back, feeling each other up, tongue, you name it. This continued and we were practically taking each other's shirts off. He licked my chest a couple times. We got loud "owwwwwww" and "wooooooooo hoooooooos" from patrons in the bar. When Dave went to the restroom other guys asked me wehre the guy who I was all over went and that maybe I should go to the bathroom with him. It was hilarious that these 2 latino, big, gang member looking guys said this. I was amused. Anyways, Dave and I chatted, he told me how kissing was sometimes better than sex, and this was one of those cases. I agreed. More making out. Finally, about 1a.m. I ended it because I was tired, getting groggy, and a headache. We bumped and grinded once more, and made out.

I got out to my car and rinsed my mouth out- am i weird? i tend to do that after I make out- like I don't need your slobber leftover in my mouth... haha.

Got home about 1:45 and now it is off to bed for me at 2:15a.m.

So um... I guess the night was alright. I'm still having a difficult time, though.

Disillusioned

I guess that's the best word for the past 24 hours. I am disappointed, bothered, hurt, not really surprised, but saddened that my mom has taken it this way. Again she seems to be taking the approach nothing is wrong. It is almost uncomfortable because this seems abnormally perfect. I am not sure what is going to happen. Going to be a long weekend- tried to make plans with friends, and most are busy. Not looking forward to it.

Denial... Deep denial at that... I did say I'm gay

I really don't know what to say about my mom. Over the past couple days I've been very bold.

Last Saturday when I was going to WEHO I told my parents I was going to go to the Grammy Museum and dinner. I said I'd probably be back after midnight- that's a pretty standard response. I give my parents an idea of where I'm going, and when I'll be back usually, and they're cool with it. My dad must have been looking around to cause trouble and he said something along the lines of "anything else?" I said there was. I said I was going to a club. My mom asked "a gay club," to which I replied "yes." She asked no more questions. NOW HOW MUCH BOLDER COULD I HAVE BEEN? It was not easy to tell my mom that! The next morning my dad asked me if I was hungover, and that was the only discussion about the clubbing issue the night before.

Then there was the car incident the other day.

Then this morning I was still storming around frustrated about it. I decided I was going to make it clear to my mom I was still upset by the comment in the car. I laid in my room until about 8:30 this morning with the door closed watching TV and reading some blogs. My mom knocked on my door to tell me she was leaving to go to the dentist. I ignored her. She continued to knock, then opened the door and asked if I was ok. I tended to act, which I do when I'm bothered, and I already had the cover over my head, curled up in a ball, acting like I couldn't hear her. She came over, sat down on my bed and asked what's going on. She really didn't give me a chance to say anything before she said that she knows I've been having a difficult time lately with school, friends, and work, and she wants to be here for me. She said sometimes it is just so hard when I tell my dad things I won't tell her. She said that I only tell her something after I've done it. I just sort of hid under my cover. She continued asking what was going on and how I know I can talk to her. I ignored her and broke down in tears. She asked what was going on and I said "I'm gay." I felt so bold when I said it, especially because I haven't been able to say it to anyone yet because the words just get choked up inside. Without skipping a beat she told me that I was not, I was just going through a rough time. I told her that still, I said the words, I'm identifying with liking guys, I have identified with a sexual identity, and it cannot be changed. I said that identifying with a sexual identity is where kids struggle the most because people try to tell them that they are not, therefore are not accepted, and struggle. I had so much more I wanted to say, but kept my mouth shut on this issue. UGH. This is not how I wanted it to go. Of course there were a lot of things I could have said like "I'm still the same person," etc. etc., but I didn't.

She sat on my bed rubbing my back and telling me she'll be here for me when I change my mind and I just lay curled in a ball under my covers. I got up once she left and was out waxing my car when she got home. No discussion of it since then and everything seems perfectly normal. She got out of the car and played with the dogs, told me they looked like they were guarding my car while I was waxing it. Once I was done I came in and she talked about cooking ravioli and shrimp for dinner. She's on the computer in the dining room now, I'm in my bedroom putting this post up, and about to head outside to do some yardwork. WTF? I'm so confused, frustrated, and hurt.

Maybe my mom just doesn't know how to handle it and she thinks by saying what she is it'll help?

Something my mom said...

While we were in the car coming home from Universal Studios with Linda and her son, my mom said something that left me furious. I was sweating and wanting so badly to correct her, but held my tongue.

Linda's son was in the backseat with Linda. I was doing the driving and my mom was seating next to me in the front seat.

My mom and Linda were talking about various friends they both have in common. One woman came up in the conversation, and here's what my mom said that made me cringe:

"I still can't believe Christina is a lesbian. This woman should not be where she is based on the lifestyle that she has chosen. She is in a position that she can play with and influence other peoples minds. It is just wrong."

The conversation went on, and just made my blood boil even more, I was sweating, and wanted to cry, but bit my tongue.

At the end of this diatribe my mom apologized, and said: "I'm sorry if I offended anyone, this is just how I feel."

After this?!?!?!

All I could think about was "you did not just say that." Do you realize lesbian and gay are the same thing?!?! After what I've been through the past month you have the nerve to say this?!?! Only reason I didn't is because I wasn't going to come out to Linda and her son.

Spring Break... ahhh yeah!!!

Been enjoying Spring Break so far

Saturday: Met a fellow blogger
Sunday: Hung around the house
Monday: Met Darla for dinner and Starbucks. Fun times! Lots of gossip and Darla got into her Masters in Public Health program. We talked about hot guys and other fun stuff.
Tuesday: Universal Studios with my mom, Linda, her son, and another teacher my mom used to work with. Fun day overall. Got a chance to talk to Linda's son about random stuff I've been curious about... like does he think his mom is so controlling? I brought that up when she was texting him while we were off on some ride. He said yes, but you just send a ridiculous answer and appease her. No surprise. I suggested we go to Universal Citywalk because we had rode almost everything we wanted and were trying to kill time. He was worried his mom would be worried he left the park. I told him what she doesn't know won't hurt her, it's not like we were leaving our moms for good, we were in a safe area. So we did. It was like the unspoken "what do you want to do?" I said let's just go, walk around, then I asked him what he likes to do for fun. Drinking came up. I suggested we get a drink at Karl Strauss. That was cool since Linda's son really seemed to relax and we just chatted about sports like the Sweet 16, college sports, and pro sports. Basketball was not my topic of choice and I knew little about the Sweet 16, so he did most of the chatting. We did talk about USC not being able to compete this year and stuff like that, and I was able to chat about whether or not it was fair, etc.
Wednesday: Dealing with Aunt in Nor Cal- talking to the lawyer- my aunt will basically be serving some time in jail it looks like. YAY!

The rest of the week is pretty much up in the air...