Friday, January 4, 2013

Anxiety run amok

And the doctor thinks I'm fine on Zoloft. Hah. Hardly. I seem to worry more with this crock than anything.

So here's what is on my mind as it is 12:18 and my BF is asleep and I'm up to worry.

So first thing's first. I got afforded an opportunity to go back to school and have my tuition paid for if I enroll before my 26th birthday, which is coming up in a few days. I don't like the thought of going back to school - it means work - it means time - it means giving up my time. I am already maxed out on the pay scale, but to not take this opportunity would mean I'm basically giving up the chance to get my admin degree for free. Do I want another degree? No, but I don't see myself teaching for 30+ years. Would I feel guilty passing up on this money? Yes. Admin degree means I could become a principal/assistant principal/take on some other sort of leadership position within the school. Could also give me a leg up if I want advancement outside of the school setting, or even teaching at like a college. I know I could go teach now with masters, but hey, more marketable...

Oh, and I'm $16k in debt right now from my teaching credential/masters. I am scheduled to have that paid off in 2017.

Oh, and Mike supports me, and I appreciate that.

Do people like me? Do friends still remember me? I get these random thoughts sometimes like no one likes me, like when I text someone and they don't reply. Gonzo has been doing that, as has The Guy, and well, when I don't hear back my mind wanders, especially on this new anxiety med.

My parents are driving me crazy. I have such a hard time biting my tongue, and when I open up my mouth it makes people mad, and I hate opening up my mouth, especially now, when I don't know how my dad will handle it.

My dad just got 100% disability from the VA, and is happy. At last. My parents are planning on remodeling the kitchen int he next few months before my dad retires. My mom has the most ugly kitchen design picked out. I hate it. My dad does too. I want to say my 2 cents and do. Mike says I should butt out since I don't live there. Sometimes I don't care and feel the need. Part of it is I give the best advice - in my mind - but Mike keeps remidning me I don't live there.

WTF is my dad going to do when he retires? He has no hobbies.

Work has me stressed out - I go back on Monday - know I'm due for an evaluation, and it could be anyday. All throughout the past couple days I've had images of Teelima stuck in my head, my most difficult student. Feel like first day jitters again.

The past month was difficult money wise with Christmas and the district not withholding enough on our paychecks, and an accounting error, so I was out of money fast. This month I'm saving extra because my auto insurance is due next month, and I'm moving off of my parent's insurance to a different company, and so gotta save since they give you a discount if it is paid in full. Also paying off my credit card from NY/Vegas. And my birthday, and everyone else seem to be having a birthday too. And I am down to $800 or so and it is the 4th of the month. And I hate to make Mike pay for everything. I feel like a broke teacher sometimes. I pay everything once it comes, and everything tends to come at the first of the month, and so it feels like I have nothing the rest of the month. I guess I'm doing ok, making ok money, but OK sometimes just doesn't feel so ok

And when my anxiety kicks in I get acne on my chest and back. Its no bueno. It itches.

Oh, and at least on Zoloft I can still get hard. And in fact I'm pretty much always horny on it.


fan of casey said...

Yes, we still like and remember you even when we don't stay in frequent contact as before. It seems to be natural progression to drift somewhat from the closeness you felt before -- you are busy, your friends are busy, it's not anything personal. Don't let these doubts undermine your relationships when there may be no justification.

As for going for the admin degree for free, that sounds tempting but will you continue working or do you have to stop your day job? If you have to give up work for awhile, how will it affect your student loans? It's great to have the option of OM supporting you financially but I can see why you would be hesitant to totally rely on him. Can you work part time while getting your admin degree?

I do think it will enhance your credentials and increase your opportunities in the future, so it may be worthwhile to pursue while you are still young and without a lot of financial responsibilities. But as you imply, it will require sacrifice.

Mike said...

It is 1 class 1 night a week every 8 weeks.

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Aek said...

I know this may be a tad late, but I do hope you took up that offer for the admin degree. There aren't many cons to doing it.

And you sound just a touch manic in this post. Just saying.