Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween con Lindsay

Talked to my neighbor Linds the other night. Last Halloween we went walking with her father and talked about random stuff. It was cool to just hang out and talk. It was obviously great fun because she wanted to do it again this year. There are some new neighbors that were having a party for Halloween we saw as we were out walking. We were invited in kind of... random people were at the party and saw us older kids I guess and invited us to party. They were blalsting the "Rocky Horror" soundtrack. I have that going through my head right now. We drank. I had 3 cups of beer, which was probably too much and talked to Linds about stuff I'm not sure I remember. Then we went walking and trick or treating. She said that we should have some fun, hence the trick or treating. I was already pretty buzzed, so figured let's do the trick or treating. Yes, we're both 20. I haven't trick or treated since 8th grade, so this was the first time in like 8 years. It was awesome. Trick or treat!!! I missed saying that. We went to her parents, which probably was not the best one after coming from that party and drinking. It was awesome though. Lindsay's dad was like at least you guys are having fun, do whatever. He gave us big black trash bags like you would use for yard waste to trick or treat with. We talked to her parents, then went to the people down below me, then about 8 other neighbors who we are cool with and would give us candy regardless of age. It was fun. They got a kick out of us doing it, laughed, and stuff like that. Our neighbor Erin's parents wanted pictures of us doing it so they could send to Erin to show the fun she missed out on. She did miss out.

I came home about 8:40 or so and my parents were completely oblivious to what I did tonight or the drinking or any of that. I'm still kind of buzzed and hope that this post comes out coherent. I can't believe what I did tonight. If you asked me 12 hours ago what I was going to do, I would have told you I had no clue- 6 hours ago even. I don't think blogger has a spell check, which is probably decently needed, but I hope this post was coherent and I wasn't blabbing on. I can't believe I'm blogging 90% buzzed. I'm not sure if I'm drunk. I've never been, but I feel pretty buzzed and my reflexes are slow and I can tell. Walking around is like wooow. The most I usualyl have is 2 drinks. I want a butterfinger right now. I feel really blad about blogging, but I wanted to.

The weather was awesome tonight also. It was warmer than usual on Halloween. No jacket required. No shoes and no shirt woudln't have been a problem tonight. In fact I saw a random high schooker out trick-or-treating and he had a 6 pack chest and had his shirt off walking around trick-or-treating. Yuck. He's in high school.

Edit: I went back and did spell check. I was that embarrassed. I had some terrible errors. I spelled which something like hwchi, so I had to fix that for my sanity. I'm leaving all of my random thoughts while posting this in, as mcuh as I wanted to take them out just because I think it is funny what was going through my mind during this thing. I want to point out there was no driving involved... only walking. haha Can you get a ticket for walking under the influence by the way? haha I'll stop while I'm still ahead.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I was horny

The Guy im'd me when I got home from school tonight at 5:30. We talked a few minutes about what each other was doing, what we were eating, stuff like that. He talked about burning a bunch of porn onto disks. We were talking about threesomes (he says it is my turn to find someone to have one with) and soon I was horny. I told him that he made me that way. His respone was "woops." Haha. We talked a little more, then we decided to hang out.

Got over to his place and he was on the phone with a friend Mike talking about random things like Macs and the date The Guy has Friday night. Hopefully it goes well for The Guy. He totally deserves to meet a great guy and have a great date.

We sat at the computer for a few minutes, then The Guy showed me that he got a DVD he ordered we were talking about the other day. It was Zorro with a gay twist. Can't remember the exact name. It was pretty hilarious.

When the movie started we cuddled, then I rubbed his dick, he pulled his shorts down and off, then I sucked him off. I sucked him for a while, then we cuddled, kissed, and some other stuff. The Guy sucked me for a few moments. It was hot!!! We laid on top of each other and grinded. I had such a great time and it was soooooooooooooooo hot!!! We ended by him jacking off, me getting his load in my face, I was jacking my dick and shot my load on his leg. We showered up real quickly. I think this was the shortest shower we have ever taken together.

We got out, dried off, he made popcorn, then we continued the movie. I laid and kept my hand on him most the time and laid up against him. I love holding him. He was playing with his dog who was jealous someone else was there getting some attention. His dog is too funny.

The Guy fell asleep near the end of the movie. I'd say in the last 25 minutes or so. After the movie ended I whispered I was going to take off. We kissed, I told him goodnight. Then he told me to not let the bed bugs bite. haha. I said I'd try to not. Then he said he was hungry and if I'd go get him something. I said I would cuz I'm nice like that. He wanted Monster energy drinks and string cheese.

I drove over to the liquor store and got some. Talked to the man working in the liquor store about how he hates Halloween cuz everyone comes in with masks, which makes it perfect for a robbery.

Got back to his place and gave him his stuff. He tried to pay me, but I refused. He is totally worth it, and it was no big deal. We hugged, kissed, and then I took off. Got home about 9:25. I was flying down the freeway and made it home in 29 minutes.

Monday, October 29, 2007

I was Crankin' That Soulja Boy at work today...

The other day Gonzo and I made a deal with the kids in one of the junior classes. We would grade their notebooks today and if EVERY person turned in a notebook and every person got over an 80% we would do the Soulja Boy dance for the class... YES... in front of everybody... a white boy like me dancing to this. No, that was not a deal I made. I was sucked into the deal. I was embarrassed however, but up for the challenge.

So what did I do Saturday and Sunday? I watched the instructional video and spent some time in my room practicing. I couldn't let Gonzo show me up.

The class got average was an 85% on the notebook, so I had todance. At first I said No, Mike is not going up there and making a foolof himself.

After O, a black girl, she's a cheerleader came up to me and said she'd dance and cheer me on, I said ok. I said I didn't know the dance and so needed her to show me. D connected his ipod to the computer speakers and played the song. O in the meantime showed me what to do and I followed her moves. Gonzo and I got up in front and got ready. O made fun of me afterward saying that I was lying and that I did know it.

So how did I do? I made a complete fool of myself, but it was all ingood fun. I just got up there, didn't let myself have time to getembarrassed and began kinda dancing waiting for the song to begin. When the actual song started, the class got a good laugh, Mrs. V got a goodlaugh, andeveryone else.

We played it a 2nd time and Mrs. V joined in and that made it more fun. Mrs. V didn't know what she was doing. Gonzo, Mrs. V and I were up there bumping into each other trying to dance to it. Soon about 10 other people in the classwere up there in front dancing to it also. It got pretty crazy.

I got the dance moves for the mostpart the first time around, but afterthe heel slap Imessed up on the whole foot thing. I was able to catch up and get backon track. Gonzo and I were a little off on timing- she was always a fewsteps ahead of me. When Mrs. V came up I could get through the firstpart until after the heel kick and then was dying of laughter andbumped into Mrs. V and then just kind of danced with my elbows out and shaking my body. I almost wish someone had captured it on their cellphone.

HAHA. Not that I'd post the video or anything, but just for me to laughat and see. Good times, though.

Here are some teacher's cranking that... haha... definitely moreorganized than my dance was today... they've had practice

Is this teacher below not the hottest thing?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Tomorrow just became harder

First of all because Gonzo just texted me saying she can't go because she can't afford to since she doesn't have the money. I'm going to offer to pay and or say she can pay me back later or buy me lunch another day at work.

Secondly because of events I can't really go into at work- that's how serious it is.

First, a kid I tutored was called queer by a kid in the class. The kid is gay, he is 15, he is a freshmen, his parents are having a hard time dealing with it and are telling him he is not gay. He is getting crap for it at home and at school. I feel so sorry for him... he is so young. Anyways, I can't go into what happened with that. At lunch, Gonzo, the coordinator, and I were talking about how difficult it must be for the kid to come out so young. In my mind I was thinking yeah, and I'm coming out to Gonzo tomorrow. Then we talked about how sexuality shouldn't matter, Gonzo said nobody should be upset because sexuality is something you can't change. That's great that she said that and was reassuring, but all of this didn't come at a wonderful time when I was thinking I'm taking my first giant step.

Then we talked about how Mr. P (one of my favorite teachers of all time and I work with him now and tutor for his class) has dealt with it since the kid is in Mr. P's class. Mr. P will do anything for any student and stand up for any kid who makes fun of another. Mrs. C informed us that Mr. P is taking this issue to heart and is really upset by it because Mr. P's own brother is gay and seeing kids bullied over sexuality is something Mr. P will especially not tolerate. Mr. P has a special place in his heart for anyone who is struggling with sexuality because his dad was a minister and so obviously he disapproved a lot about what Mr. P's brother did. Mr. P's brother was almost driven to suicide. I had in fact heard this before from a couple sources, but this confirmed it. I have a whole new respect for Mr. P hearing about how he has stood up for gay guys in the past and some of the fights he has got into with guys over this. I don't plan on telling Mr. P or Mrs. C about me, but just to know that Mr. P would be totally ok with it is awesome. I would never tell Mr. P or Mrs. C in fact, especially because both know my parents very well and plus I know Mr. P on many levels- a colleague, student, and friend.

I just texted Gonzo while writing this offering to pay tomorrow. We'll see what she says. I was going crazy this afternoon driving home from school thinking about telling her. This whole thing just made it really awkward. I was thinking about how I could approach it and after having a while to think about it decided I'm going to tell Gonzo I've been trying to tell her and planned on telling her even prior to all this sexuality stuff at work today. This thing also just made me more antsy and I am even more nervous about when I can finally tell her.

Update: Gonzo said NO for tomorrow. DANG!!! I also told my mom about the whole thing above and elaborated on everything. She was almost in tears that Mr. P's brother almost committed suicide. That makes me feel good just to see that she heard what a hard time his brother had.

The plan and Gonzo

Saturday I may finally get to tell Gonzo the situation. We have texted back and forth and decided Saturday about 3:30 we'll have lunch at an undetermined location.

For those of you who have been keeping track, in the past I didn't sound as nervous telling Gonzo. In fact, I was looking forward to it in some aspects. I was scared on one hand about her finally knowing my secret, but the fact that I was going to do it so spontaneously eased my worry.

The worry however has set in and I now have the butterflies in my stomach, knot in my chest since I've had several extra weeks to mull over the issue. Hopefully the extra time is for the better and so I won't say anything I will regret. I have had 3 or so weeks to think about telling her. It can play out 1 of 2 ways and here is what I have planned. I know and have been told not to plan coming out because most likely it won't happen the way you plan, and maybe it won't, but I want to at least have something more or less rehearsed so I don't come off looking like a complete idiot or saying something I hadn't planned, therefore having to give Gonzo further explanation of something I don't want to (like how far I've gone with a guy or some other details). So here are my somewhat rehearsed responses for possible questions she may ask.

When we have our lunches one of us asks the relationship question. She'll say something to the effect of, "so Mike how are things with you and the girls?" If it comes out that way, I plan to say "well Gonzo, not so well... I have had a couple bad dates, but I've been meeting some guys."

Another way it could come is I'll ask her how her and her boyfriend are, she'll tell me, then say I need a girl and I'll say well, "I need a girl... or guy..."

Or maybe I'll be really bold and say Gonzo... I'm bi. In either case I'm going to say BI- not gay. Originally I was going to say gay, but the thing is she knows both of my ex girlfriends and I don't want to sound like I had no interest in them and everything, so I want to say BI just to ease my mind. An advantage to saying bi is that I won't have to go and explain the whole ex situation.

In whatever case, whether it plays out like this, or not, I'm sure she'll be inquisitive and want to know every detail. I don't want her to know every detail. So here's my story and this is what I plan to stick to.

If she asks something like when did this happen, how did I find out, etc.?
I don't know how it happened. A few months back I was cruising myspace or something and a guy messaged me telling me I was hot. (I will tell her if need be that I'd known this guy for a while and knew he was gay). That idea of a guy thinking I was hot intrigued me and I started entertaining the thought that maybe he guys were an option. We chatted for a while and soon after we're meeting up at his place hanging out, and after a while, we make out. The making out was far better than any I have ever done with a girl.

If she asks how I have kept it a secret from my parents...
Very carefully... I told them Steve was a friend from high school. They know Steve, he's a likeable, good guy. I'll tell her the excuses I've used and stuff like that.

If she asks how far I've gone...
Not much beyond hugging, cuddling, making out, but I found I can really enjoy either male or female companionship.

If she asks how long I've kept this a secret from her because I do plan to say I have gone on a few dates with guys just to not make it sound like it is a big lie and I'm joking with her...
I'm going to say that all of the dates I've told her about were with girls, but Steve (my code name for my parents and Gonzo for The Guy) is really the guy I met. I just never felt comfortable with telling her, even though there was no real reason to not trust her. I have told her several times that Steve and I hung out. I'm going to tell her that yes, I was lying. I am not talking about Steve our high school friend and I feel terrible about doing it, but I'm new to this whole situation and everything, everything has happened so fast, and it has been driving me crazy, so I wanted to tell her now and quit the lying because she is someone I really do trust.

If she asks what Steve/The Guy looks like...
I am not sure I'll say he is on my top friends on myspace. I don't have a picture of him on my phone unfortunately (I wish I did... his hot face showing up everytime I receive a call etc. etc would be hot). But really, I am not sure I want to show her who he is... at least not yet. I'll just say I'll show you one of these days and continue playing that off. Not that I have any reservations about showing her what The Guy looks like, because I don't... he is a damn good looking guy and I'm proud to know him. Really, Saturday, I just want to focus on telling her, making sure she understand where I'm coming from, then we can talk about cute guys and the like later.

I plan to emphasize the fact that she is the only one who knows, but I couldn't bare lie to her anymore about where I've gone and who I've seen. I'm going to ask that she keep it a secret from my parents, friends, and coworkers. I'm going to emphasize with how much I trust her, things like that. I'm going to tell her how sorry I am for lying, I hope she hasn't lost my trust, and how things just happened so quick.

Now that I have this figured out for the mostpart, maybe I can fall right to sleep without worrying anymore. I laid down in bed at 10:30, at 12:30 I was still laying thinking about Saturday, so decided to get up to write this.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I met the parents...

Some random details... The Guy called me 4-5 times yesterday telling me he didn't know where he was going, he was getting on a plane, etc. etc. Turns out he had a date in Phoenix. Haha. He called me at 11:30 last night to ask if I could go over and dog sit because his friend who was supposed to was not responding. As I was about ready to walk out of the house, he called and his friend had called him.

I went over to The Guy's house to have him look at my computer about 6p.m. and make sure that my installation of Windows XP went ok. He gave his approval- I knew what I was doing.

We sat around on the couch talking, then he went out to get in the jacuzzi. I went with him and sat at the edge talking. We talked about his friend Louis (yes, one of the guy's I had a 3-some with). Found out he is not out at all. He has a girlfriend who is psycho. He is on dialysis for his MS type deal. He didn't want to hang out with his good, Christian, girlfriend who decided to text all of his friends and send out a mass text including to Louis' sister. She said Louis was out with other girls at a bar. His sister told his parents and his parents went to the girl's house and she, as well as her parents denied it. Louis was really humiliated, plus with the dialysis and a close family friend died.

We talked about me coming out while out at the jacuzzi and how The Guy and his friends are really the only ones who know. Talked about how he is convinced moms always know their kids are gay. Talked about my human reproduction project and other alternatives since my mom was not happy with the topic I "chose."

The Guy gets out of the jacuzzi and suddenly has a cold sore. He wants to go to CVS to get Abreva for his cold sore. The Guy then decided to call his mom and see if she could bring him the stuff for cold sores tommorow. A minute later, The Guy decided we'll go to his parents house to get the stuff. I was a little apprehensive... meet the parents... we're not going out, but the idea of meeting the parents.

In the car we talked about fun stuff like school, my eyebrows, stuff like that. The Guy is going to take me to his girl to help with my eyebrows... haha. The Guy also gave his advice on what he thinks needs done and I completely agree. We talked about moms knowing their sons are gay again.

The Guy's parents live in the OC. As we pull up to the house The Guy asks me if I want to go in or stay in the car. I say stay in the car and I'm there for maybe 10 minutes or so when the garage door opens. I see a woman in the shadows walking out with a wine glass in her hand and opens the car door. That seemed like a scene out of a movie or TV... like Lucille in "Arrested Development." I say hi and introduce myself. She shakes my hand and tells me that I can't come over and not say hi.

We go in the garage. The Guy is in his dad's new Mercedes playing with it. His brother is out in the garage also looking at the car and stuff. Then The Guy's dad comes out of the house and I say hi. His brother gets The Guy and me a water bottle. The Guy then has his brother get his dad's ipod, puts it in the car, his dad is adamant he is not going to learn to use it, he is going to use the radio, stuff like that. It was funny. His dad told me to take The Guy and leave in a playful way. Haha. It was overall a good experience.

In the car we talked about the gym and how my mom might react if I come out.

We get back to The Guy's place and decide to call it a night. I left about 9:30.

*** Aaron, one of The Guy's other friends I met just added me on myspace tonight. I left him a basic hi, what's up comment.

I <3 work...

On Monday I helped train the coordinator on how to do a lot of the administrative stuff for our program. I was not looking forward to it because it was going to be a boring day, and yes, it was. The good parts were that I got 3 hours extra pay and that I got treated to lunch at Del Taco.

On Tuesday there was a kid I tutor who got an "A" on his math test. He failed math in 7th and 8th grade apparently, which made him a perfect candidate for our program cuz we can help him. Us tutors worked with him and 4 others who were taking the same math test. It was for Algebra 1 or something.

Anyways, yesterday his mom brought us tutors cookies to say thank you. They weren't homemade or anything, but it was the thought that counted. It really surprised me also and I thanked the lady. The woman goes to the gym I go to. She looks real arrogant and walks around with her nose a mile up in the air, her hair is cut real short almost like a guy. She looks like she could take any guy, or girl on and win. I had received several unfriendly stares from her at the gym in the past until she found out I was working with her son, then she would at least smile. It was just a nice affirmation that the woman really is nice, even if she doesn't look it, and it was nice to know that I helped the kid get an "A."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Dog sitting

The Guy asked me Friday afternoon to dog sit for him Saturday night because he was going to San Diego with his best friend Zach. The Guy said to just come over to his house about 4p.m. and then feed the dog half a bag of sausage for dinner, stay the night, and then the other half at breakfast.

I got over to The Guy's place about 4. I immediately did the dishes in the sink and put them in the dishwasher. I swept and mopped the floor. I did it because it wasn't a big deal, but also I was kind of making fun of The Guy since he says he has to have his friends clean for him.

After that, I hung around and chatted with friends on AIM. My hard drive on my computer failed about 9:00p.m., so I just hung around and finally made it to bed about 10:00p.m.

I figured I'd sleep from 10:00p.m. and would wake up at 9:00a.m. It would be wonderful and very peaceful. The Guy lives in a VERY quiet area. I fell asleep within a half hour, which is unusual for me.

I put my phone on the night stand next to The Guy's bed. At 2:00a.m. I get a text message saying "Coming home tonight pe there in 30." At 2:15 The Guy pulled in the driveway. He played with his dog for a few minutes and asked the dog who was in the bed etc. The Guy was telling me how he was wasted. Then The Guy quickly got undressed and laid on top of me. Then he told me to suck his nipples and lick his chest. I did. He smelled hot! He had a nice cologne on. We also spent some time making out before I went down to his dick. I sucked him off for a LONG time... probably a good 20 minutes and The Guy just moaned. We laid around, laid in each others arms, did some grinding, then finally I laid in his arms and I jacked my dick and he jacked his. We both shot on his chest. Afterward, we toweled off.

Then we went to the kitchen and drank some green tea. Then we went into the office and looked around at weird news stories on the internet. We looked at The Guy's friend's myspace, which was the reason he went to San Diego. His friend's rugby team was having a guy auction to ahve a date with a guy on the team. The Guy was going to bid on one guy, but the bid went from $80-$250, so The Guy backed out.

The Guy said he was hungry and thirsty. He had no more water in the fridge and since he had 5 beers at the party was really drunk and didn't want to drive (though he drove home from Zach's), so asked if I'd drive to Mobil to get water. In the car they were playing "Summer Lovin" the song from Grease on KOLA 99.9. The Guy started singing and I did too. It was too fun.

We got back to his place and were in bed by 4:00a.m. Slept pretty well. At 7:30, The Guy and I woke up. He was still hung over. I went to get us food at the cafe down the street from his house. Went back and ate at his place and sat around on the couch watching "Arrested Development" I left about 11:00a.m.

It was a great weekend though! I was so tired though, Sunday afternoon because I only got a few hours of sleep, but the middle of the night wake up call was worth it!

Friday, October 19, 2007


Bad blogger I know, for taking so long to post this.

Spent a couple hours Sunday with The Guy. Talked to him 4-5 times during the day. First he said he wanted to hang, then he said no he was going to mope around all day, then he said he wanted me to help him hang pictues, then he said we need to go shopping.

I was on my way to his place and he called saying his parents were coming, so to make plans and stall while he saw them. I did and went to outlets near his house. I found a bunch of stuff I wanted and did buy jeans at Nordstrom Rack. The store was so depressing though, The Guy said and I agreed. It was so crowded and it looked so ran down. I did get Lucky Jeans for $35 instead of $90.

It was fun though, we were flirty with each other throughout the whole thing. We went into stores like Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister, etc. looking for a friend of his who worked at one of them. Each time we walked into one of those we went into the girls section as opposed to guys on accident. Haha. He said he always does that and his friends make fun of him. The Guy can't fit in Abercrombie clothes and was sad, but he's my Abercrombie boy I told him, so it was ok and we hugged in the store. That felt so awkward to do that in public. Good times though. He also went around holding shirts up to me, telling me what to buy, none of which I did. Not that he doesn't have good taste... he does... but neither of us were in the clothes shopping mood. The Guy said if he were, he'd be in the fitting room trying everything on.

When I got to The Guy's place after he gave me the all clear we went back to the outlets. He said he had no clue what we were going to do, but he wanted to get out. We went looking at sunglasses for him. Then we went to pick up my pants (which weren't ready at Nordstrom Rack). We walked around the mall and into Virgin Music. I got 4 CDs that I told him I wanted to get that I saw when I was there waiting for him to call. We went back to his place and traded CDs. Didn't stay around long after that because he had to read for school.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I've been singing this all day

KT Tunstall - "Suddenly I See"

Coming out over IM

I haven't mentioned Jenn much before. Jenn is a good friend I've known since 8th grade. I am also good friends with her brother who is the same age. I even know her parents pretty well. Jenn's mom is the sweetest lady who knows everybody. Her mom always says that she can see Jenn and I marrying in the future. Her mom was so sad when I didn't ask her daughter to prom in high school. I only bring Jenn's mom into the story because Jenn and her mom are VERY close, so she'll probably hear.
Jenn is just about the most caring person I know. She cares so much about everyone, wants them to be happy, and I can't ask for more. I can tell Jenn anything and am comfortable in doing so. Jenn is pretty Catholic and she doesn't have any gay friends or anyone that I can think of so I'm not sure what her response would be.

I am possibly ready to tell Jenn. The question is how. She is close to her mom and brother, both, so I know that they'll probably find out. I don't value her brother's friendship as highly as I value hers I guess I can say for these purposes. I am sure Jenn's mom will find out and I am not sure I'm comfortable her knowing so early in the process. I guess all I can do is beg her not to tell when I do come out. Her mom now lives in Arizona, so worrying my parents will find out makes it a little easier.

But the question is how to tell Jenn. She'll probably be supportive, the huggy, emotional type. Whenever we see each other it is always with a group of friends. ALWAYS. NEVER are we alone. We can only see each other during breaks, so it is always a group thing. Plus, she is permanently bound to our friend Cherry because she stays at Cherry's house when she is in the area. So being alone is out of the question.

We only talk to each other online. We're not the phone type. I think I've spoke to her maybe 5 times on the phone in 7-8 years. We instant message each other online at least once a week. She tells me about what's going on with her mom, grandparents, brother, dad, school, work, and really we don't have a hard time opening up to each other. I think me calling her to come out would be awkward unless I were in say a depressed situation where I have something that has really been bringing her down lately and begging for her sympathy, which I don't want to do. I know just me calling would be out of the ordinary and I can't just say "Jenn, I'm gay".

I think online would be much easier because it is a medium we regularly use, so it wouldn't be AS awkward. I don't really want to come out online because it is much more impersonal, but I don't see us ever being alone where I could do it. I am not even sure how I'd bring myself to do it online. She doesn't tell me about hot guys or anything like my coworker B does when we chat online. No... we just talk about what is bothering each of us, stuff like that. Perhaps that could be a way to approach it. She asks me how I am and I say I'm down. She'll ask why and I can explain as long as she doesn't tell anyone etc. etc.

Hm... decisions decisions...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


I'm sure most of you know on facebook there is an option to poke random people whose profiles you view. I have an ongoing poking competition with a friend who says she wants to jump into bed with me and so everytime I sign onto facebook I have a poke from her. I typically thought poking meant you wanted to jump into bed/say you like this person without actually saying it. I've only had girls poke me and I only poke girls I know. I am closeted afterall.

My question is, is that the only definition of poking?

The reason I ask is that really homophobic best friend I have has been poking me on facebook for the past 2-3 days. I was wondering if he knows what it means and if I should tell him and say I take him up on the proposition to jump into bed with him... haha.

Monday, October 15, 2007

A happier post...

A little burst of inspiration at 4:30a.m. this morning.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Down and disconnected

This quarter at school finds me more and more disconnected from everyone. I have more time as in I'm not doing homework in all my free time. But the thing is I'm feeling a disconnect from everyone- Gonzo (no surprise with her schedule), my family, The Guy (he's been depressed lately and doesn't want to see anyone), friends in general, and people to talk to in general.

At work it is getting worse because of Trish. I detest her and I've met her a total of 3 times. The problem is that she is working the same hours I do. Before she came Gonzo and I were pretty much together on Mondays and we could talk about anything (as you guys have witnessed) and I love that. I love that interaction.

I really want to see more of Gonzo, especially to get the ball rolling. Ugh. I at least want someone to know and I know she will take it well probably, so I'm frustrated because I want to tell her NOW and it is not like I haven't tried.

At school I don't know anyone in my classes; that's the case every quarter. I know people in my Spanish class since we've had classes together in the past, but they're not people I care to hang out with. It's not that I am being stuck up, but really these people are of no interest to me.

My internship is fine. I am getting to know the people in the office, but still feel a little awkward there, but am fitting in.

I talk with my friends online all the time on IM and that's cool because we're not always able to see each other because of college, but I appreciate that. Online is great because we're staying connected, but I really crave human face to face interaction.

My family is another issue. There are days I come home and after being gone for 12 hours want to do nothing but lay in my room, watch TV. I am not one to spend endless amounts of time in my room, so I am surprised my parents haven't noticed something is up. I think my mom has and she understands how I am drained after my long days; and yes that is true. I come home and eat dinner with the family, tell them about my day, then retreat to my room to relax and mope around.

I find I'm increasingly frustrated at my sister- she does nothing. I have sat out to change that, but her half-assed cleaning doesn't cut it. I find myself more frustrated as the days go by for not doing everything- doing everything half-assed. Laziness is another thing that makes me upset. I am anything but lazy. I can't stand sitting and doing nothing. She can and it is perfectly acceptable. If she would take responsibility and do some cleaning it would be greatly appreciated by everyone. Ugh. She talks about how she has it so difficult because she has to take a car, a train, a bus to school, and they're not always 100% reliable. She talks about how she has soooo many classes. On her days off she can sit around all day and watch ESPN, write letters to her best friend who is in bootcamp in the NAVY (she writes 2-3 letters a day to her), and then she does homework about 8p.m. at night. I wish I could sit on my ass all day like that. I wish I could do nothing and have the world pass me by. I wish I could feel as guiltfree as she does by doing nothing.

Ok- maybe I'll cut the bitch a little slack because she's new to the college scene. But I'm taking a 20 unit maximum load (my internship is 8 units and I'm taking 3 classes on top of that), working, helping around the house, interning, dealing with little family things as they happen. Now, tell me your life is hard. My life is not hard; BUSY YES, but I can manage and keep up; so I don't complain. I am making it sound like I'm tired here in this post and drained because I am and I don't think it should be; but overall my daily routines are manageable and when I'm out doing things I feel much different because I'm not here at home moping. At work I'm fine, my internship I'm fine, but school I feel nothing but sadness being there. I still can have a social life for the mostpart.

I'm moping around for several reasons- one is I'm thinking more and more about coming out. I want the freedom to meet other people, but it is hard with my parents not knowing. I've skirted around this before as well know and still am. But I am pretty sure if I do come out everything won't be roses. My mom will have a real hard time with it for so many reasons as I've mentioned before like it is against the bible, I won't be having kids, then the negative things associated with homosexuality like STDs. I have got over the fear that I might not be the perfect child with good grades, stuff like that if I do come out. I am not worried about that because I know I haven't changed who I am- I still will have the good grades, I'll still be the son who can juggle work, school, and who does so much to help out around the house. I just know that my mom won't take it well. I feel sad I'm hiding this part of my life. It is not that I would flaunt it, but I would at least be able to seek out a relationship maybe. I am reasonably sure my mom would try to restrict where I go and be more curious once she finds out, which is why I should wait until I have my apartment. Coming out is also hard when I am reliant on my parents for a lot of things like a place to live, insurance, stuff like that. I am sure my dad would be supportive and continue to pay, but my mom again.

I have no physical contact with anyone- even a hug or kiss would be greatly appreciated.

I am gone from home most days from 7:00a.m.-5:30p.m. or sometimes later. I don't see my family in the morning because there is no reason for me to get out of my nice warm bed even though I am up when they leave. Then at night, I don't care to see them as bad as that sounds, but I'm just worn down and drained.

I'm drained because I'm not truly happy. My internship is kind of boring, but I think of it as the experience I'm gaining. School is not fun and I don't enjoy being there. I just feel so sad there where I don't know anyone and nobody tries to meet anyone. Work is fun, but long, the coworker is the least of my issues, but she adds to the disconnect. If I enjoyed any of this, it would be much more refreshing.

I love to sing in the car, but every song seems to be so depressing that I don't want to be in my car and for someone who drives as much as I do, that's a bad thing. I can't listen to Rihanna/Pink/Travis without thinking about The Guy. I can't listen to the Beach Boys without thinking about Gonzo since she is always singing Beach Boys songs. I can't listen to any sappy Tim McGraw like "If You're Reading This." The Fray sound depressing. Just thinking about songs I heard today "I'm Into Something Good" by Herman's Hermits reminds me of being with someone, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, and stuff like that all remind me of people and being with people. I am able to listen to Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons without being reminded of anything and the mood of that music is generally upbeat, so that's cool, but still... I find myself turning off so much lately and getting so frustrated in the car.

I don't want anybody to pity me. I can handle this. I am just in a slump and I'll be fine soon. I just don't like this feeling of alienation and being so far away from everyone. Hiding part of my life. Hiding in my room and moping. I want to be out there with friends, with people, with the world. I know I'm good at not showing my emotions and how fed up I really am on the outside. I'm good at hiding my emotions. 2 people (Gonzo and Jenn) are the only people who know in real life that I'm so busy and feel like I have no time. It's just not something I care to advertise. I don't care to advertise it here either, but I do feel better by getting it out of my system. I am however optimistic despite all of this, I try to look at the best, but it is just so dang hard when this disconnect with everyone is becoming the day to day thing.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Meeting a blogger again

Got to meet up with Closeted Only Child again last night. We went to Yardhouse. It was my first time there and it was interesting... there were so many people crowded around the bar, then TVs everywhere. I was surprised that the restaurant seemed small.

I had a great time though talking about stuff like classes and other things.

Me, the talented guy I am managed to knock my crown out of my mouth in the middle of dinner. Who knows how I managed that, but nonetheless I did. I didn't eat much of my dinner afterward, but did get to it today after I saw the dentist. I think closeted got a kick out of me playing around with my mouth trying to keep that area dry because the air and coke hitting it was soooooo irritating and it sent that shocking feeling through my mouth. Yuck.

Overall, it was fun to get to meet up and hang out again soon. I enjoyed it. Next time I promise won't be as eventful like that.

I did get into the dentist at 9 this morning and have a temporary crown until Monday. Hopefully this one will fit securely.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I'm a money whore

I have a new coworker. I had a say in hiring her. Since I got to help in that, I went through her myspace and facebook- she had neither. In the interview she seemed like a nice girl. She is taking difficult classes and seemed smart. Looks- none at all. She started work on Monday. She added me to her facebook on Monday. Her name is Trish.

I thought she would be a nice addition, but I already don't like her. Monday she was alright- she was learning the ropes. She was avoiding me and I later found out because she doesn't like guys except for her boyfriend. Her boyfriend apparently looks gay (and her NEW facebook account) confirms it. Anyways, she told Gonzo she didn't like other guys because she thinks all of them are out to steal her boyfriend... shouldn't she be worried about other girls? Oh well... that's not what I want to talk about.

Tuesday there was a guest speaker from a college in Pennsylvania. Trish is in college and has attended 3 college, so why was she dominating the questioning session where the students should have beeen asking the questions? She was asking things like "I don't play a sport, but tell me about your sports teams." Gee, if you don't play sports, why are you interested? Another question was "if I go to your college and I getting a scholarship?" Ok, that's a little bit of stupidity on her end and showing her foolishness. Maybe she was just trying to kiss up to the coordinator though, and I think that's what it was.

The coordinator is a big e-mailer and anytime she has something to say, she does it through e-mail. She sent out one for a t-shirt design for our program. The girl responded and had to respond by fowarding the e-mail to everyone. She said in the e-mail that she thinks she should take this on as her project (though the shirts have been designed) and she said that she knows the right people to help her out and we're just amateurs.

The coordinator also sent an e-mail out 2 weeks ago about us tutors getting paid to help out with a meeting on Monday night. Sounds good, right? Yes. Well, Trish had to respond to this e-mail and did so in a way just to tick me off and belittle everyone else, including myself. She said "Mrs. C, I would love to volunteer to work on Monday night. I see how this is urgently needed. Do not worry about paying me. I will volunteer. All the other tutors are money hungry whores." EXCUSE ME? The coordinator offered to pay us. Do you really want to use the words money hungry whore around your boss? Do you really need to send out this mass e-mail and belittle everyone other than yourself?

Oh well, overall I'm good and can care less. I know when to kiss up and how to. Obviously she doesn't know how to. I kiss up by saying, "I'd love to work at the meeting," or "I would be more than willing to do this or that;" and "I think this is a good idea, but I think this would be better."

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Darla may have to find out too...

As I mentioned a week or so back when I dropped some obvious hints that I was gay to Gonzo, Darla happened to walk in. We talked about going to a gay club and Darla going too.

Today Darla asked what was going on with the guys I went to the club with. She asked if I liked any of them and broke any of their hearts because maybe I'm not gay and it would crush them to find out. I said no, no, we're just friends. I could have probably said something, but I didn't want to because it wasn't really the appropriate place to today. I'd want to be more alone- not with 2 new coworkers Danny and Trish. Darla will probably be a little surprised and I can see her say "gosh Mike" and her eyes will get big or something, then she'll ask a bunch of random questions. I also wanted to be able to better explain myself and didn't want a big scene if her reaction would have been bad today.

I expect Gonzo's response to be much different and I probably will tell her on October 20 when she we're going out to look for a Halloween costume for me. We're going to have lunch or dinner and so that will be a good time to talk and get this off my chest. Only 10 more days.

Overall I'm not too worried, since I'm fine with her knowing eventually, but I really want Gonzo to be the first to find out and not have Darla blab it; which is something I expect would happen.

Things I like...

Taken from Going the Other Way

50 Things I like...
1. Relaxing
2. Sleeping
3. Money
4. Shopping
5. Getting rewarded for my efforts
6. Easy decisions
7. Retro furniture and clothing
8. The 50s
9. Getting good grades
10. Knott's Berry Farm
11. Electronics
12. Family get togethers
13. Watching local news
14. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
15. Good Mexican food
16. traveling and exploring new places
17. Driving
18. Music... all types... I should show how diverse my musical tastes are soon...
19. silky sheets
20. Making out and touching another guy
21.Good friends and hanging out with them
22. Those times when I literally have NOTHING to do
23. Dark rooms
24. A good, medium rib eye steak
25. Sexy glasses
26. Long, meaningful conversations
27. Easy classes
28. Valentine on KBIG 104, Mark and Kim on KOST
29. Eating out with friends
30. Meetng new people
31. Spending money on clothes, shoes, friends, food, and other fun stuff... bills... not so much
32. Old sayings
33. Cars... SUVs... cars... trucks... Hondas... Toyotas... Chevys... Lexuses... and so on... cars
34. Seeing a hot guy in a store
35. Roller coasters
36. Taking pictures
37. Oral
38. Not being around my sister
39. Helping people
40. Being there for friends and family
41. Cooking and making new dishes
42. Cuddling in bed and talking
43. Trying new foods
44. Being nerdy
45. Learning new things about the computer
46. To see the Yankees lose
47. Intelligent people
48. The colors beige, blue, black, and green
49. A relaxing bath with the lights out and only candles on... haha
50. Being up to see the sunrise

Saturday, October 6, 2007

2 times

Went over and saw The Guy last night after we were im'ing each other. He said he was cleaning. I asked what inspired that and he said the guys who he is now hiring to clean his house.

Got over to his place and he had every candle on in the house, the lights down low, so the mood was romantic. We talked about sexual stuff- like which of my friends we should have a 3some with. We did find 2. HAHA. One guy is a DEFINITE no, my friend Anthony from high school who is gay. Then there was another guy... I think The Guy is only halfway kidding. He said we've done 3-somes with his friends, now it is time for my friends. Like I have many who would be interested. HAH

We decided we were both hungry and went to Bakers Square for burgers. The girl taking our order couldn't find the stuff we ordered on the computer. The Guy told her maybe she should look under appetizers for a quesadilla, perhaps burgers for the hamburgers, she did, then she found it. The Guy was so helpful.

We walked over to the liquor store afterward for energy drinks. There was a really blond guy who looked maybe 18 and a girl who was probably underage. She said she was born in 1984 and was 24 years old. She had a New York State driver's license for ID. The ID was just a little more than a laminated piece of paper. There was even a big barcode on the back- not like on the back of California driver's license. I'm talking about a barcode like you would find on any product you're going to buy with numbers below it. The guy working carded her, asked her age, said she looked really young, asked her age (she said she was 24 and born in 1984, which The Guy and I were talking about afterward and you do the math, she can only be 23 max)said he has never seen a NY ID with a barcode like that, a NY license that was practically paper. She seemed to get really nervous and was bitchy about the whole thing. The guy behind the counter still sold the stuff to her- she bought like $100.00 in wine, whiskey, and tequila.

We went back, got our food, then went to The Guy's house. The Guy said I had to turn away while he got something out for us to watch. Knowing we were both horny I thought it was porn. Instead it was the late 80s animated TV show "Dungeons and Dragons." The Guy told me it would help me learn to play the computer game Dungeons and Dragons... haha. I had to laugh and made fun of him for that. It was cute, though.

Near the end of the first episode I decided to lay down in between his legs near his crotch. I began rubbing it, then went to work. He got hard instantly and I began sucking him. I did that until the episode ended. Then we took it to the bedroom. We both got naked, then laid near the top of the bed. I sucked him and he rubbed my back. Then we switched positions and sucked each other off. We kept switching positions and sucking each other. Then we laid on each other, grinded, made out, rubbed our bodies together, teased each other with our dicks, we took turns laying on top of each other. I finally was laying on The Guy's chest and The Guy lubed my dick and his chest and jacked me off. I shot my load all over his chest. I told The Guy to slow down cuz I was going to shoot my load, but he didn't. He kept jacking me, even after I shot my load and he wouldn't let me get away, and I was very ticklish all of a sudden. Then I sucked The Guy off some more and he jacked my dick. I sucked his nipples and played with them some more, then he shot his load and I shot my second load on his chest. Afterward, we both laid in each others arms collapsed. It was soooooooooo hot. I seriously had such a great time.

Then we finally moved, got a shower, got dressed, and I left about 10:00p.m.

I think The Guy has something up his sleeve for today or the near future... we'll see.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

This has the potential to go there...

I am not sure where this post is going, but let me assure you it will be all over.

I am taking a human reproduction class and learned some interesting stuff in it the other day...

--- Developed during later roman empire
--- period o/ social instability when exotic cults brot sex entertainment n and Christians wanted 2 separated n associated sex w/ sin
--- PAUL o/ tarsus, follower o/ Christianity whose writings incorporated n 2 new testament played crucial role
--- PAUL advocated importance o/ overcoming “desires of flesh” such as anger, selfishness, n non-marital sex that the exotic cults brought in
--- PAUL associated spirituality w/ celibacy n saw it as superior 2 marriage
--- celibacy historically was state o/ being unmarried n abstaining from sexual intercourse
--- celibacy now not engaging n sexual behavior PERIOD
--- Paul altered meaning of being celibate and made abstaining from sex a sin - sex was widely accepted and embraced prior to this --- this has shaped us because it has given western culture a view that sex is bad and you need to be celibate

My classes...
Those are alright... Spanish should be easy. I know the material already. Only annoying thing is the the proessor says uhuh yaeees after practically every sentence. As if she is talking to us like we're little kids. I think the lady is cool though and should be easy. I met her when I first started here at my college and she was just the nicest lady. So I'm excited. I'm not excited I have this class 4 days a week, but it will go by quickly. I know the people in the class already and a cool professor, it'll be fine.

Another random point... I go into the library during my break between my 2 classes to knock out my homework and hang out with my coworkers who are at school. They have tons of new student workers at the front desk in the library who are so friendly. There are about 10 black girls and they're so friendly- not like the people who were there before who didn't care to help you and didn't put a smile on their face. I love it!!! Love friendly people!!! Something they don't have enough of here at this college!

My internship...
Chose the political one and started it today... it sounds like a lot of clerical work. It should be fine though. It shouldn't be too hard. The guy seems friendly enough who is my supervisor and we began talking more about stuff like classes I'm taking near the end. I got to leave an hour early today because of some weird scheduling stuff.

The atmosphere is so much different with Loud Mouth gone. Everyone gets along so much better. I have been asked to step in and be a LEAD tutor because someone needs to fill Loud Mouth's vacancy and I know how to do it. I did step in though on Monday, but I'm going to try to avoid that.

I had to follow a football player around the other day because he isn't doing well in 1 class in particular. His teacher wanted him to have someone go with him to help teach him to take notes and keep him focused. I did. He enjoyed having me there. Haha. He was introducing me to all of his football friends like I was his best friend.

The seniors I tutor evaluated all of us tutors the other day. Loud Mouth who is gone scored the lowest- everyone said she was unfriendly, hard to get along with, etc. etc. I got almost all positive feedback. The negative feedback I received was I smile too much and that I don't know Calculus. Overall, the kids like that I'm hard on them, don't take their crap, don't take their attitude, and that I don't take no for an answer. They know I mean business. Some kids also didn't like that, but the majority of them like that about me. I scored 3rd highest out of all the tutors with Gonzo and B coming in slightly higher than me. Good stuff!

The gym...
I am not sure when I'm going to go this quarter cuz things are so crazy, but I did notice the other day after I got back from the gym I suddenly have calf muscles and quadricept muscles, etc. I've also been working on my shoulder area. I see definite progress. I was thinking of posting pics and I still might, but now that I have met some of you bloggers and will be meeting a couple more of you in the coming months, I feel kinda awkward doing it cuz I feel like I am exposing myself. Haha... I still might though.

I'm not sure what that is. I haven't got much lately. Crazy schedule, tons of noise at night, stuff like that. It's not fun. I'm not going to complain.

Overall I feel pretty optimistic and excited about everything!!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Dropping huge hints...

I have said before the first person I come out to will probably be Gonzo, my coworker. I decided to drop several hints today to her... I said I did something over the weekend, which I didn't do, but I wanted to test the waters to make sure it was ok with her and her reaction would be fine.

I told her I went to a gay club with my friend Steve and another friend who is gay. The gay friend said I was cute at the club. The gay friend I was referring to is a friend of Steve and mine in real life and is into the club scene Then Gonzo chimed in with how she has always wanted to go to a gay club, so I said we should go. She said that she has heard they are a lot of fun, so I said we should go this weekend. She wants to go with our coworker Darla though, who can't stay out past 10:30. Ugh.

She asked what I did there, what it was like, etc. Thankfully I've seen pics of the club etc. online I was talking about, so I described what I saw from some of the pics. She said that was really hot. She wants to go with me and without her boyfriend. She said she may even invite her friend Addison, who is gay.

Then I talked about some of the little things. She asked if I danced. I said I danced with a lot of guys. I said that I was told by a couple guys, including our gay friend that I was flirty and I was flirting with everyone. Her response to everything I said was, that's hot, that's cool, how fun, stuff like that. She even asked if I got any phone numbers. I said unfortunately no. her response to everything was totally positive.

I was texting a fellow blogger at the time all of this was going down, partly because I told him this past weekend I wanted to come out to Gonzo. Gonzo asked who I was texting and I said the guy I'm going to the club with again. She said that was hot and she hopes I have a great time.

It was getting soooooo good and I was about to say that I had dropped all these hints, are you suspecting anything, or something to that effect, but our coworker Darla just came and I didn't want Darla in on it yet. Gonzo did continue the conversation about going to a gay club and asked Darla if she would go. Darla said she wants to and it would be fun, but would have to wait until her parents are out of town.

I swear, next time I have a nice chunk of time alone with Gonzo, I'm going to tell her. I thought I had the perfect time today because we were just in a room alone grading notebooks all day, until Darla showed up.

Later in the day we were in the elevator and somehow Gonzo and I were talking about relationships. Maybe it was she was talking about her and her boyfriend's 3 year anniversary coming up. I said "I don't know why my relationships with women have always been so short." She said she thinks I need to lower my standards because I am obviously too picky. I said I don't think I have a hard time with commitments and stuff like that. She said for me to lower my standards. Then I said "maybe I need to explore other....." and the elevator door opened and the counselor who we work with on a daily basis was standing there. That ended it.