Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Mom is in panic mode and I kinda like it

We're doing something on the house front. We're remodeling our house and we hope to buy a new house. My mom's goal was to be out of this house or at least have 90% of the stuff packed up by August 15. August 15 is the day my dad goes back to work. Today SHE called and SHE made plans for a POD storage container to be delivered AND taken away on Saturday. This means all of the house, all 1,000 square foot of house and 500 feet of garage that has been collecting clutter since my parents moved in in 1974 has to be packed up by Saturday. I did a lot of the packing of the dining area last year, which triples as a dining, sewing, and craft room. There's still a lot that needs to be done.

Panic mode has sat in. HOORAY!!! My mom is actually, suddenly, willing to part with things. My mom, the packrat, is parting with things. She said we can get rid of the exercise bike, the organ, the desk in my room, the desk in my sister's room, and my bed. This is great news. Don't worry- I will be keeping the mattress for my bed, but my bed has been something my dad and I have wanted to get rid of for a long time. We have bought my bedroom set- it is just waiting for a new house for it to be delivered.

The living room looks like a disaster zone right now as she is unloading all of the bookcases, has stuff from the dining/craft room going into different boxes, and she says this will all be gone by Saturday. I CAN'T WAIT. BRING IT ON!!!! My dad and I called to have all of the couches and old TVs taken away by the Salvation Army.

Oh... what am I packing? Well, I had 4 boxes of books from my room that were stored in my closet from packing up last year when we thought this would happen then. My desk has to be disassembled and my sister's dresser can stay or go- I really don't care. The main bathroom is ok- nothing needs to be packed. The kitchen will be packed later since the laminate isn't scheduled to go in until mid-August; the kitchen would have been my area to tackle. I think I'm going to sit back and relax.

Carpet will go in around August 15. Home Depot charges $100 per item they have to move regardless of size. $100 scared my mom into doing all of this. Home Depot, how I love thee. The main bathroom will be re-wallpapered or painted by the 15th and new fixtures will go in. The bank says we have to wait on painting- they want the carpet in before we paint- stupid. Oh well... it is a condition on the loan; but it is progress, and though it may be backward, it is a long time coming, and frankly, I don't care.

How are you guys?

Monday, July 28, 2008


I finally talked my mom into making her pizza tonight for dinner. Love it! Tons of tomato sauce, cheese, garlic, onions, oregano, real parmesan, and mozzarella cheeses. It looks bland and cafeteria like, but there is soooooo much flavor and the crust is homemade.

Sis won't be going out

On Friday night my sister went out with her friends. My one and only sis, the one who is 18 going on 2. She left about 2p.m. and was very secretive. She just told my parents that she and her friends might go to the movies. My parents said ok. 5p.m., 6p.m., 7p.m., rolls around and no call. We wondered if we should make dinner for her. Then at 11:30p.m. she calls. She says she is out with her friends and will probably be home after midnight. My dad answered the phone and my mom was telling my dad what to say. My mom told my dad to say she would be home before midnight- PERIOD.

12:25 rolls around and sis rolls in. Sis told my parents she went out with *Imaginary Boytoy Steven and a couple friends to see "Batman." When quizzed about what the movie was about she said Heath Ledger dying and Batman saving him. Not quite, sis. My mom was further upset because she obviously didn't see the movie. Why she was out so late sis said she went bowling. When asked what her score was my sister said 230. When asked how many strikes and spares my sister got she said all. We've seen how my sister bowls and we doubt that. She also hasn't been bowling in 8-9 years.

*Imaginary Boytoy Steven is her supposed boyfriend. Boyfriend? I think not. She has supposedly going out with him since senior year of high school. He didn't take her to prom. Sis claims he works 12 hours a day at Dominos Pizza to support himself. 12 hours a day? A pizza place will not pay overtime like that. Sis claims he is always too tired to go out and always working, so they don't. Do they talk on the phone? No. I have seen who her supposed boyfriend is- he sat next to her in literature in her senior year, a big tall, 6'7'' black guy. But do I think that he is her boyfriend? No. Sis spends all day at home alone in her room watching TV or playing on the computer. At least in my day, kids actually went out on dates to the movies, mall, or eatery.

So what was sis doing? Who knows... I do know that my parents aren't going to let her go out anytime soon and not without supervision. This was the first time my sister had really gone out with friends, one of the first times she had gone out driving on her own, one of the first times she went somewhere without mommy and daddy, and she ruined it. YAY!!!

At least when I go out I more or less tell my parents what I'm doing and my stories are always believable. I'm hanging out with The Guy, Steve, Mike, watching TV, going out to eat, going to the movies (and if I'm not going to the movies and say I am, I at least know what the movie is about). My parents tend to not question me because they do trust me and I do call. Now if my parents knew what I was doing 90% of the time, would they let me go out? haha

Sunday, July 27, 2008

We both needed each other to lean on

The Guy and I have been chatting late at night (after midnight) the past couple nights. He has been unable to sleep and that was my problem also. We've been talking about why we're both upset. I was very open and told him it was family stuff. He has hinted he is upset and suffering, but not why. Friday night I called him on accident when I was trying to go through my phone menu to call my uncle, but hit his number on accident. I was in a parking lot arguing with my parents at the time about why not to call my uncle. The Guy calls me a few minutes later asking if I called and I explained the whole situation. I pointed out how though I was upset because I had just been handcuffed by the police for my supposed trespassing, but know I did nothing wrong, that everything was ok and I had no reason to worry. I was really scared about the whole incident because well, handcuffs are serious; I could have been taken into custody and have that on my record; the thought of the police running after me, all of that. I did nothing wrong- let me just put all of your minds to rest- I climbed over the fence to my grandma's house because there was police activity in front of her house and couldn't get there. The police saw me and thought I was trespassing, but they weren't letting anyone walk down her street, so I hopped the fence to try to get around it and was apprehended. Thank goodness for my parents, the fact it really was my grandma's house, the fact the police were sympathetic toward our situation, and stuff like that. Some explosives were found on the street in front of my grandma's house, the police sent a call to the alarm company to set off her alarm, we thought it was a break-in, so we came running to see what could be done.

Anyways, I talked to The Guy about the severity of the incident and how I was doing so well in contrast to other recent events. He agreed. Though, as we talked, I became more and more sick. I was mad about recent events and my mom's handling and how the event of that night was making me upset for other reasons. When talking about my mom's handling, he started telling me on IM how it was me needing to let go, but then he called me at 1:19a.m. and we talked and we realized it was my mom and we talked about how to handle it. I disagreed what he recommended would work, but will try it just because I don't want anything more to do with what happened.

The Guy called me at 9:00a.m. or so yesterday and I purposely ignored him. I was mad because I was still upset about the events the night before and was taking it out on him. I got a dozen or so IM's from him over the course of 4-5 hours and I ignored them. He im'd me on my cell phone because I was actually out with friends meeting them to see Batman. We were all there, all but one person and we thought he forgot, so I tried AIM on my phone since just 15 minutes before he was on AIM and it was at this time I got several IMs from The Guy. Again, I ignored them. I called him when I got out of the theater and apologized for me ignoring him, borrowing grief, and stuff like that. Going out with friends gave me a lot of time to calm down and think about how ridiculous I was being. I tried to IM him, and I emailed him. He didn't reply. Finally I resorted to calling him on his house phone. He didn't pick up and I brought an anxiety attack on because I thought he was mad at me and ignoring me. I called him a second time and got him on his house phone. He said he turned off all technology in his house- cell phone, TV, computer, and stuff like that to prove that he could do it. He was trying to nap. I found out later his reason for turning everything off.

Anyways, we talked and I told him how the events of Friday night just made me sicker. He said he had a really good show he wanted me to watch on TV. I said ok and we agreed I'd go over to his house. When I got there, The Guy was up from his nap, in the living room on his laptop and watching "The Wedding Date." I showed him pictures of the police activity from the newspaper the night before just because what I described seemed a little out of this world and I wanted him to know it really did happen. He was shocked and joked how I now had a souvenir. We watched the end of the show and "Monster in Law" started. We have both seen it, but there's such a hot guy in it, it merited watching it again.

After the end of that, he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I didn't care- we could watch the show that I came to, but he didn't want to. He asked if I had gotten off this week. I said no. He said he had a friend who wanted to come over. I said oh. I knew who the friend was. It was Bret, who him and I had a threesome with before. I laughed and said you're horny. The Guy also said that he wanted to have a 4th guy over because he has never had a foursome. He showed me who he was thinking of. Some guy who lived about 30 miles away. I said no. I came over and sat next to him and he showed me the picture. I said no. He felt my crotch, said I was horny, and of course wanted to. I said no. He e-mailed this guy back and forth and I talked about my reasons for not wanting to. I knew Bret already. I said the ultimate reason was The Guy was really horny, or upset about something, so this was his solution and I pointed that out. He said maybe.

We went out to the spa. We talked out there and The Guy told me he could see in my eyes I was mat at him and I reiterrated my reasons from earlier, as well as I am fine with a twosome, the whole STD worry, etc. He said he was going to call the whole thing off. We talked more and just agreed on Bret and that we would play it safe.

We get in and it is about 8:30 when Bret shows up. We all have some wine and watch TV. Bret wants to sit on the floor, but then The Guy has him come up and sit with him on The Guy's right side, I sit on the left, and The Guy in the middle. The dog comes up and tries to sit on me, so we move some, and then Bret is laying up against me. He is stroking my arm and I have my hand on his chest. The Guy is now sitting where Bret was and has his hand on Bret's crotch rubbing it.

We go in The Guy's bedroom and I suck on The Guy's dick while waiting for Bret. Then he comes in and sucks The Guy's balls. The Guy is jacking both of our dicks. Bret and I 69 after The Guy said we should. Then we all suck each other's dicks. I could tell The Guy wasn't really into it. He put a condom on and lubed me up, then fucked me. Then he fucked Bret. We go in the shower because The Guy had a ton of lube on his face somehow and Bret was in the other bathroom. We get in the shower, rub up against each other. Bret sucks my cock while The Guy fucks him. I move and play with The Guy's chest, lick his neck, and stuff like that. We end up jacking both of our dicks on Bret's face because he wanted that.

We're all starved afterward. Bret and I hadn't eaten anything all day and it was 9p.m. We decide on Round Table Pizza. It was 9:45 and the pizza came about 10:30. Bret sat on my lap and I held him while we watched TV waiting for the pizza to arrive. The Guy played DDO. Bret was rubbing my arm and other things while watching TV. When the pizza guy came, he was making out with me, but the delivery boy didn't see. He pointed out how hot it would have been if he did. I felt really inadequate while kissing. I didn't know what Bret was doing 90% of the time. It was a lot of us playing with each other's lips. Bret got me my pizza, which The Guy sat on the coffee table in front of us and Bret continued to sit on my lap while eating. After eating, Bret positioned himself so that his crotch was so I could reach it. Seeing he was going after mine, I went after his. We continued kissing and making out. I was the daring one who finally made the move, undid his pants, and reached in to grab his dick. He undid my pants and got into my boxers. He kept my dick in my pants. About another 10-15 minutes passes and he starts jacking my dick and takes it out. I do the same to him. The Guy is just looking on. We jack each other off and the action more or less commences at 11:30. I complain to The Guy that I have a headache and felt really dizzy. He says I should take some Tylenol. I did. The Guy announces he is going to bed, but Bret isn't leaving and wants to wait it out with me. Finally, I get ready and say I'll go because I know The Guy is tired and felt like he was being unfair to him in that way. So we say our goodbyes, hug, and take off. The GUy and I didn't hug because I was just trying to get out to the car since I felt so dizzy.

I get about a couple miles down the freeway and have to pull off. I pull into the big Costco parking lot and sit for about 10-15 minutes. At 12:10a.m. I call The Guy and tell him I can't drive home. I felt really unsafe, had a hard time staying in the lanes, and the headlights on the other side of the freeway weren't helping. I ask The Guy if I can stay the night and I didn't mind crashing on the couch. He said yes, because I couldn't drive, but said he wanted to talk to me first. He said he didn't know if I'd be comfortable knowing, so that's why he said nothing. He said that he has sort of been seeing someone for the past 3 weekends. They are 23, in the military, in San Diego. The Guy was bummed and I was right because he felt like there was a connection with this guy. He was upset that this guy hadn't called him. He felt a little guilty/like he was cheating by getting off tonight and with me the other day. He talked about how this guy told him he was going to be away for the weekend. They hung out the past 3 weekends going to dinner, having sex, this guy, Ben, had Tiger on his Mac and The Guy upgraded to Leopard. On Tuesday, The Guy called him and Ben said he was going to the dentist because he broke his tooth. Then there was no phone call afterward. The Guy tried to call and became upset- he gave some concessions that yes, he is in the military, maybe it is hard to get away from the other guys, or be in private, but not even a text or e-mail. I was back on the freeway and I could hear The Guy tearing up and I have never heard him cry, so I was become nervous and worried. As I was getting off the freeway, it was getting really intense. He said that he always feels like the bad guy in relationships because he goes out of his way and gives so much. I said that he does have the biggest heart out of anyone that I know, that he does go out of his way for everyone, so it is not him; it is the other guys not realizing all that he has to offer. The Guy asks how far away I am, then I said in his driveway. He said he was going to come outside. The Guy's door to his house opens and he is standing with his back up against the kitchen sick staring at me with tears in his eyes and he is crying. We move over to the counter and The Guy is crying even more intensely. He is talking about all he did for this guy like the music, how he felt there was a connection because both agreed all their eating out was getting expensive, and how he tried everything to be cool, helpful, and stuff like that. He talked about how usually he'd be crying alone, but this time it was me being there for him.

The Guy asks if I wanted to go for a walk and I really didn't, but I wanted to know more and let him talk about what was on his mind and try to console him the best I could. We get the dog, go outside, and start walking to the park. The GUy talks about how good Ben had made him feel and how it was like little bread crumbs he was being offered and he was eating them up. He talked about how it made him feel so good. He talked about how his self esteem just felt so high. The Guy again harps on how in all of his relationships he did what he did here. Here, in this case, when he brought up how maybe there was something more serious going on, this guy didn't respond. He said how he seems to have failed again because this guy was 23 and this guy wants something different in a relationship than The Guy, who is older. He asked me if I thought he was doing anything wrong and I said no. He is everything a guy could ask for- he is loving, caring, smart, and stuff like that. He said he was at the gym with Joe the other day and Joe said the same things and doesn't understand where The Guy comes up short. The Guy talked about how he hasn't slept the past 2 nights because of this. The Guy talked about how guys don't seem to give in and go as far for him as he does for them. I said that in his friends I don't see that as the case. Me alone, I drive 30 miles out of my way to see him because of everything he is- funny, smart, fun, and loving. He also talked about how he hates the constant rejection that he gets when he is not a bad looking guy- he is great looking!!! He talked about how he has been having such a hard time and didn't want to relapse into the weight gain and other things. Since he had met Ben he had dropped 15 pounds. I plan to make sure THe Guy is at least making it to the gym and offer to go with him if he'll go to the country club since we don't go to the same gym. The Guy talks about how he turned off all the technology in his house on Saturday because he wanted to see if he could do it and stop worrying about Ben. We both talked about how we're very close and worry when we can't get in touch with each other. The Guy talked about how he is thinking of being very cordial, calling Ben, and just saying if they want to be friends, at least communicate with each other. I wish I had told The Guy/maybe it is a good thing that I didn't that if Ben can't communicate with him now, there wouldn't be communication in the relationship.

We walk back to The Guy's and Bret is there looking for his cell phone. He said he lost it and I said I saw him with it when he was getting in his car and driving away because he waved to me with it in his hand as I drove away. The Guy calls his cell phone and walks around the street seeing if maybe it fell off his car or something. Bret finds it in his car- it slipped under a blanket. We chat a few minutes and I told him how my headache is still there, and since I live 30 miles away didn't want to risk driving, so turned around.

We get back in the house and I lay down on the couch. The Guy said something to the effect of good, he was glad because of everything that was going on he sort of felt like he was cheating on this guy. I said it wasn't a big deal at all. His couch is very comfortable. Then The Guy said just sleep with me. I said no, I'd stay on the couch. He asked if I wanted a blanket and he got his that he uses when he watches TV. I laid on the couch holding my head, trying to fall asleep. I fall asleep and wake up at 7:30. I still have a headache. I'm surprised at this time The Guy is not up. I get some Tylenol as quietly as I could and went back to bed. I woke up at 9:30 and The Guy is still asleep. I walk into the hallway to check. I was sneaky enough to not wake his dog and was able to peek through the crack in the door. I go back to sleep. The Guy's dog comes in at 10:45 and licks me. The Guy asks if I'm feeling better. I told him I still had a headache and he got me more Tylenol. We play some DDO and watch "Harry Potter." I offer to leave because the dizziness had subsided, which was the reason I didn't drive home. We finish "Order of the Phoenix," and he decides he is going to go swimming. I let him and we hug, thank each other for everything, and he thanks me for listening to him last night. I leave at 1:30.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Met the trainer

The Guy im'd me about 2:30 or so yesterday and I was at the gym, but left AIM on. He asked if I was around. I texted him when I got home and said "I am around, what's up?" He responded with "oh nada just saying hello! Thx again for the other day ;)." I texted him back and inquisitively asked "nada? nada? que aburrido! Surely you've gotta be up to something..." Then I get a blank text. I laugh. I think nothing is going on. I start composing my text: "Gasp! I thought there truly was nothing going on in The Guy's life." He calls me right after this and asks if I was upset with him. I asked why. He said he didn't know. I asked what he was up to and he said he was laying in bed cuddling with the dog. The weight loss thing he has been taking has been making him sick and so he was laying down. He didn't sound good on the phone. He asked if I wanted to come over, wake him up, then play DDO with him.

I did and was on my way. I got to his house about 4p.m. He was already up, looked pretty good, and was sitting, watching "Law and Order" and playing DDO. He installed some new chat program to chat with a group of guys he met online who play DDO. We ran around playing for a while. We took a break to eat some pasta The Guy had made the night before with broccoli in it. We go back to playing DDO.

We take a break and The Guy and I look at what's going on in Warcraft, Age of Conan, and other games when Josh, his trainer calls. Josh said he was REALLY bored. The Guy told him to come hang out, "we're playing DDO." Josh got the "we" part and asked who was here. He said his friend Mike.

About 20 minutes later at 8p.m., the dog starts barking and we go in the dark kitchen, The Guy opens the door and a hot guy named Josh walks in. He has a dark golden brown hair, he is about 5'10'', Italian, he is training to be a firefighter, he is probably 170lbs of muscle. He is the sort of guy with muscles bulging everywhere. Josh comes in, smiles, and then shakes my hand. He has a really tight grip and looked me right in the eye. Josh talks about how he left his girlfriend off at the airport about 5 hours ago and he didn't want to go home. He talked about getting to see the plane leave. The Guy offers Josh food. Josh said he is always hungry and he has such a cute, boyish grin on his face- sort of a cross between dumbfounded and a smile. He says he'll eat in 5 minutes. The Guy suggests Round Table is just a phone call away and Josh says he can't believe The Guy said that.

We go into the office and The Guy starts Josh up on a character. I start my new character and The Guy downloads the game for his computer. We sit there just playing around, talking. Then Josh shows off his lightsaber and battles with me. There is some sort of app on the iPhone with a lightsaber and Josh and I stood around me playing with my hand and him playing with his phone trying to attack each other. It was cute.

Josh has his character set up and starts playing. The Guy is so patient with him and helps him. The Guy is totally different with me and tells Josh that he will have to accept how he's just kind of mean to Mike. Josh got a kick out of this. Josh gets going and gets disconnected in the middle of an instance. He has to go back and repeat it. He forgot to pick up a diamond or some other gem required for the instance and The Guy didn't yell at him. The Guy said "we gotta go look" or something to that effect. Very gentle. While playing we talked about things like tanning. Josh wants to get a spray tan. He asked The Guy if he had ever done that. How many straight guys tan? Haha... quite a few... but Josh... he's so cute and he just seems like he could be gay... haha... that's what The Guy says.

We all take a food break. Josh gets pasta, I do, then The Guy. We eat and finish up our individual instances. Then it is time to play together. Josh and I run around next to each other in the game. I try a little to hang back since I'm playing a ranger, Josh is a barbarian, and The Guy is a monk. Josh doesn't really kill much, I kill a couple things here and there, but The Guy is running around doing the majority, which he shouldn't have been. As time progressed Josh began becoming more aggressive and wanting to kill, use his sword, and other stuff. He also wanted armor on his guy that looked like a skirt. Then he wanted to be able to see his character's dick and go around swinging his dick. Yes. Haha. We press on until about 11:15- I had considered leaving abut this time, but it was just so fun. Josh and I seem to have about equivalent skills- we both tag along with The Guy doing what he tells us to do. Haha. I didn't feel like I was the target for a change, not that I mind because it really is fun to have The Guy make fun of me for my inabilities, but we all did quite well. The Guy was having a lot of fun laughing at us and talking about how someone might be worse than me. We also talk about and see The Guy's profile on a dating site he signed up for. He put his age range in what he is looking for 26-36, so he is dating older this time as opposed to 18 year olds... haha. The match maker on the site was sending him e-mail after e-mail of matches of guys who were barely legal or of different races The Guy was not interested in. It was pretty funny and Josh was so interested in watching.

I get ready to go about 11:15 and Josh and The Guy watch a scary movie trailer. The Guy doesn't want to watch it because he doesn't do scary movies. Josh was insistent and made The Guy turn it on. The Guy was very hesitant and told me how scared he was and didn't want to do that while Josh was in the bathroom. I laughed and put my arm around his shoulder. When Josh came out I said my goodbyes, we shook hands, and talked about how it was a fun night.

The Guy was online at 12:15a.m. when I got home. He was telling me how fun it was last night and how cute Josh was. We talk about how late it was, and things like that.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Just like old times... talking, eating, sex, movie watching, and gaming

The Guy and I talked last Thursday or Friday and talked about hanging out on Sunday or Monday. Sunday I called and he was hanging out with his parents who were about to leave for vacation. Monday came and I called him at 11 when I got out of class. He said he still wanted to hang out, but warned he was in a bad mood.

The Guy called me a couple times on my way over while he was taking Jeff to get a rental car because his car was impounded in his condo complex because he parked in the wrong space. The first time The Guy called I dropped his call trying to play with the fangled Bluetooth deal on my car. He got a kick out of it. He asked where I was and I told him. He said that he wanted to know if I could take him to get his car repaired. I asked where and he said by Yamaha. I asked if he meant the stereo place. He said yes, and I met him there. I walked in and he was thumbing through a magazine. He sounded sort of upset and bothered when he said "Hi Mike."

He finished up there and we drove away. He got mad that I turned the radio station in the car from Elton John's "Rocket Man," which I didn't know he was planning on singing along to. He then began singing "ROOOOOCKET MAN!!!!" and then looked really cute when he said how he was emphasizing the rocket man portion of the song. He asked how I changed the station so quickly and I said volume buttons on the steering wheel. Then he said he wanted to go to Petco. I said ok. I turned in the parking lot, we walked in, he picked up a big 12'' bone for his dog and then went to the pet food aisle. He said Joe told him that some Purina food was really good for his dog. He said he wishes I wasn't here and it was Joe, then he rephrased it, because Joe knows about pet food. He called Joe to ask what type of food he recommended. Joe asked for the first 6 ingredients and said that the had a good choice. Then The Guy asked the girl working back by the pet food what she recommended and she said that the food he chose is good because it is organic and all those other buzz words The Guy loves. We went to the checkout and paid. Walking out to the car, I asked The Guy where he wanted the food- in the back seat, trunk, or with us. He said the trunk. He asked if I would be upset if the bag spilled open. I said I can vacuum it. He said I can Dyson it. I said yes, I could. We got in the car and they were playing "What You See Is What You Get" by the Dramatics. They were in the last minute of the song, but The Guy was singing, pointing, and saying "what you see is what you get." Then he said we needed to go to PC Club. We walked in there, the salespeople were talking about taking a 2 hour lunch. Then we walked out and The Guy said no wonder the lady was complaining it takes them 2 weeks to repair computers because they take 2 hour lunches. Driving home The Guy asked if we could see if his car was done. I laughed and said we could do that. I was worried because there was a red light camera and it would mean crossing over 4-5 lanes of traffic. The Guy also complained about the oil smell on his shirt and how it annoyed him.

We get to The Guy's place and he actually locked the door to his house. He rarely does that. He left his keys with the car, so he gets into his spare key thing. He changed the code when he thought I was going psycho on him when my sister sent those text messages to him a couple months back. He forgot the code. He tried for about 10 minutes trying to figure out the combination. Then he asked if I could climb over the wall to his patio and go through the doggy door because I'm wearing real shoes- not flip flops like him. I said sure. Went around and get over the fence when he yells Mike and is standing right next to me on the other side of the sliding glass door. He remembered the combo. I laughed and hit him playfully.

We sit down to play some DDO. He asks if I want to play and I said no. THen I relented and said fine. I paid for the game with my credit card, then had some technical difficulty trying to figure out how to do just a month subscription. Finally The Guy said to just charge it to his card. I told him no, that wasn't necessary, etc. etc. He told me not to question him. I didn't and let him set my account up. We watch the "Jane Austen Book Club," and "Stardust."

We take a break and eat. He has some leftovers from PF Changs- some sort of wrap and we warm those up. We also do the dishes. We charge our iPhones in his docks he just bought for them. He remarks how Apple was VERY cheap and just gave a dock- no power or fire wire cord to connect it. That's ridiculous.

We get back to playing and do pretty well. About 5:30 I ask him if he's going to pick up his car. He says I can do that. I laughed and said I didn't think that was possible because I'd leave my new car there, all alone, unattended, and he would have to take me back to pick up my car. He sighed and said ok... I guess. In the car he was playing around with all the features in my new car like the bass on the radio and things like that. He said it sounded really good. Then I complained about the iPhone iPod volume. He said it was because all of my music is ripped. I said no. He played around and figured out I had some setting on the phone causing that and he disabled it. He said BYE as he was getting out of the car. I said I need to go back to his place to pick up my computer and he said this isn't the end of our hanging out, he didn't have anything to do, he would meet me back. I go back to his place and wait in the car leaving my cousin a comment on myspace via my iPhone. He pulls up and he sits in the car. He says The Guy is not happy- they didn't install the computer piece he needs to hook his stereo system up to the computer. He said how he was upset because he told them over and over and over that the piece was in his trunk and they didn't install it. He said he would take the car back tomorrow and he wasn't going to pay to have them do that since it is their mess-up.

We play some more DDO, Dungeons and Dragons, then he says he is going to go in the spa to get rid of the oil smell he has been complaining about all day. We go out there and I asked what was bothering him. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I figured it centered around guys for some reason. I saw earlier he had pretzels on his counter in the kitchen, so I knew that was likely the case. He was watching the "Jane Austen's Book Club" the night before. I asked if Louis and him are still working out. Louis and The Guy shared one of The Guy's personal training sessions the other day and Louis was trying to show off, but when they were doing the sit ups with the ball where you throw the ball back and forth to each other Louis slammed it into The Guy's face, which really upset him. He said no and went off on a rant about all he has done for Louis. He said Louis tries to be competitive, he has given him gas money on more than one occasion when they've hung out, he bought him an iPhone to paint his cabinets, which are still not done, and when Louis was gaining weight and had a 38'' waist, The Guy gave him 2 pairs of 38'' waist, brand new Lucky Jeans that were $200 a piece. Then Louis went out and paid $500 for personal training from The Guy's trainer. This comes from Louis who never has money. Louis can't afford personal training, so it bothered The Guy that he just spent at least $1,500 for the training. He felt like his special friend, his trainer was now somewhat taken away from him.

Then he continued ranting about how he also feels like people take advantage of his generosity. Jeff asked to borrow $400 to have his car fixed, yes, the Jeff I mentioned above who had his mom's car impounded. Then Jeff asked The Guy if he was planning on selling the TV in his bedroom. On that same day, THe Guy's friend Ronnie asked for $600 to pay for his rent. The Guy took $1,000 out of his savings. He had been saving $400 out of each paycheck because his goal was to save $4,800 this year to have an emergency sort of fund, which he'd like to have $15-20k set aside by the time he is 40 just for emergencies and other things. The Guy talked about how he thinks Ronnie will pay him back and Jeff usually does, but how it bothered him because he doesn't like to lend money to friends. The Guy said he should look at it optimistically because he can help friends out, but just the thought he is taking money away from his goal bothers him. He talked about his bills and how he only pays the $300 a month homeowners fee because everything is taken care of for him- his parents bought his condo 5 years ago for $150,000 in cash. The Guy then apologized about unloading all of his problems on me and how I probably will never ask for anything from him. I said I could never use him for money like that. I would feel too guilty and would turn to my credit cards before that. He said he guesses that's why he feels so comfortable discussing this with me- he knows I am never going to use him for money, I would only ask for something it if it were a dire situation.

The Guy continued about how last night he texted his ex, Mike. He texted that he was watching the "Jane Austen Book Club" and emphasized what he said with exclamation points. His ex texted back, "Oh." That's what upset The Guy. The Guy was wanting to hear something like "haha, how cute, that's really gay," or something of that sort. He texted back later trying to find out why he responded the way he did. Mike really didn't care. That's what set The Guy off. He talked about how he had only dated Mike for 3 months, but he felt completely changed by him and how intense the feelings were. He talked about all the anxiety that ensued after the breakup. He talked about how he was fine before he met Mike. He also talked about how Jeff knows The Guy very well and has said that none of the guys The Guy has dated are good enough for him.

The Guy talked about the movie "The Secret," which we had both just watched. He e-mailed the movie to me and even put it in iPod format so I can watch it on my phone. The Guy was convinced it was that good and how it was so pertinent to me at this time because I need to block out all the negativity I am dealing with. The Guy made a "secret" wish list sort of thing of the things he is asking for, what he believes, and how he'll get it. Our conversation inspired him to want to go inside and revise his list of what he wants in a boyfriend based on what we talked about.

He gets out of the spa a few moments after this because his next door neighbors come out to swim. He does a couple laps in the pool, then we go in. We play more DDO.

About 8p.m. The Guy says he is going to get ready for bed, perhaps read, or something. I said ok. He makes a bowl of cereal and goes into the computer room. I walk in and ask if I can jack off before I go. I felt so weird asking that and I said it in a whisper. My reason, which I'll tell here is what I told The Guy the other day. There is no privacy in my house- we're remodeling and so now we're making due without a kitchen, doors on any of the rooms, and we're about to replace the carpet. The no doors thing doesn't make jacking off possible, so I wanted to relieve some stress. He said on the phone it was not a big deal and he was actually going to offer to let me jack off at his house, but with the circumstances- how our friendship was changing, he didn't want to send mixed signals.

I go into his bedroom and get the lube out. He asks what I'm doing and I said getting lube. He asked if sucking on his dick would help me jack off. I said, "I think so." I suck on him and jack my dick. Then he asks if I would like to be fucked. I lubed up and he put a condom on and he fucked me missionary style. He asked if I'd been missing this and I said yes. Then I sucked him some more and he jacked me off and played with the head of my penis. The Guy talks about all of the sensitivity he has there and how he likes to jack off playing with the head of his penis because he is uncut and it is really sensitive, he got my cut dick feeling really sensitive right there and it felt really ticklish. I was having a hard time standing it. That's when he went back to fucking me and I jacked myself off. He told me to cum all over my shirt. It was an older shirt, so I didn't think much of it, and did. I had a ton of cum marks on my shirt when I got home I realized. We cleaned up and I thanked him, we hugged, and called it a night. I left about 8:30 and he thanked me for making him feel better.

Update: In response to what I told my cousin in my myspace message, here is her reply...

You crack me up.

Btw...I give things nicknames.

Then she told me how this just shows I have a vivid imagination. :-)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

About to let it slip

Just about to send a message to my cousin on myspace- the one who I think is a lesbian based on what I have deduced from her blog. We were chatting about life and random stuff and here's something I said:

"BTW I have a tendency to name things. I have Mr. Carro (Mr. Car), las llaves (the keys), Mr. Packpack (backpack), Mr. Computer, Mr. Phone, and things like that. It disturbs my friends. They're a little worried I have too many men in my life and that I think of inanimate objects as people."

Does that not sound gay? Who cares... I can always add in something like "I tend to ignore that comment as I think there is a pretty good balance of women, too" ... or maybe "I feel like my possessions are important, and not just objects, so I assign them a gender and personify them [and the names just happen to be manly names]." ... or I can joke about it and say "but I can't very well run around with Mrs. Phone without causing worry."

What to say... what to say...

... and here's what I said because I am worried, but at least I know it'll make her laugh hysterically...

"Their concerns are valid, but I can't very well run around with Mrs. Phone though without Mr. Phone becoming worried and all the drama that would surround that I have a married phone and I'm involved with a married woman. The dilemmas I face!"

Friday, July 18, 2008

Dr. Phil, cougars, and other events

My dad and I watched Dr. Phil Friday afternoon. My dad put on CBS 2 thinking news would come on, but the oh so intriguing Dr. Phil was on, and today's subject was cougars, we quickly forgot about Eyewitness News. Cougars are older women who date very young guys. There were a lot of critics who feel these women were taken advantage of; the cougars said that they liked the youthfulness/mobility etc. of the younger guys. My dad and I got to talking because the whole thing is just funny. I was more interested in knowing about his feelings of me liking someone older- I do like guys 4+ years older a lot. We were very gender neutral when we talked. What if I liked an older person, would he approve? My thinking was how I like to go for older guys. I didn't say that, but said "well, what if I go for someone who is 35?" He said yes, as long as the person is steady, which if they're older than me he hopes would be the case. He said as long as I don't go older than him, he is ok. My dad is kind of old, so I don't have to worry. He said that as long as I like them, they like me, we're not taking advantage of each other, he is ok. He could see me doing that he said and it is ok.

So if an older woman goes for younger men and is categorized as a cougar, then what is a man who goes for younger guys? A panther?

The Guy and I continue to talk on almost a daily basis on the phone or online. Last night I was upset about stuff we talked about on the phone. I was mad how I felt like he wasn't there for me over the past couple weeks in sort of the boyfriend way "stroking my head" as he put it. We talked and I felt really bad because I felt like I treated him like shit and felt very reliant on him He said how I treated him was to be expected based on everything I was going through and he is not mad. Then we talked about our fears about meeting new people and stuff like that and that sat off an anxiety attack. I dreamt most of the night and woke up at 2:00a.m. or so unable to sleep, upset, and hurt. I took a myspace survey among other things to pass the time. I watched the news and "Real Sex" on HBO while trying to fall asleep. I fell back asleep around 5 I think and woke up at 7:15 when the phone rang. We talked today about how we're not cutting the cords on each other- we're still going to hang out, and yes, sex may happen, just not as frequent and stuff like that. It was reassuring to see we're both on the same page. We talked about how we handle things differently- he likes to talk things out and I like to write things out, so we hit a snag communication wise, but we were able to resolve it and we're both still friends. Our friendship is stronger than before we think because we're able to be open, honest, and confront difficult issues. I feel much better this evening and am trying to fall asleep as we speak. We're going to hang out in the next couple days because he "misses his Mikey."

I have a 9th grade cousin who I noticed on her myspace wrote "I love my g/f" on her myspace status. I checked out her myspace and saw she listed herself as a lesbian. I don't see her g/f on her myspace though. I know my cousin monitors her daughter's myspace, so my goodness, does she know? This is the cousin I blogged about how I deduced a few weeks back she was a lesbian, so also her daughter? Who knows...

Little by little I get more daring...

I'm not one to typically post myspace bulletins, but will do it if one strikes my fancy; that is not often. I woke up at 2:15 this morning BOILING. I had some things on my mind, but wanted to do something to get my mind off of stuff and do something that required relatively little thinking, but inspired good thoughts to hopefully get me back to bed. So I was taking a survey and there was this question and I thought for a moment "how do I respond?" I thought about some of the people who may read my bulletin- a kid I tutor, a relative (4 cousins have the opportunity to read this), and friends who know and don't know.

So here's the question and what I said...

Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
either- both are great

Little by little the less I care about people finding out and the more comfortable I become being honest; and for the sake of it, it was a myspace bulletin... who reads those?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Making demo tapes

I had been planning with The Guy for 4-5 days to have him help me with a demo tape to apply for a job I want. He said he knew exactly what to do and we planned for today. I confirmed with him this morning via IM before I left for class.

I called The Guy when I got out of class as I was walking to my car. I have a 10-15 minute walk from my class to my car. It is over a mile away. I get in my NEW car and drive over there.

I got out of class at 11, got to my car at 11:15, got a call from The Guy at 11:45 asking where I was. This was as I was turning into his driveway. I said "well, I drove really slow because I have a new car and am just breaking it in." He said "no way!" I said yes, I'm pulling in right now, come out and see it. I see a Chrysler Pacifica next to his car, so I park behind The Guy's car. He came out a few moments later and asked to see the keys, told me how much he liked the car, asked what features it had, and opened up all the doors. Then his friend Jeff came out and said how much he liked the car also because of the color and gas mileage, plus all the neat features.

The Guy and I went into the office. Jeff went into The Guy's bedroom and played some video game on his PS3 and hung out with his dog. The Guy gave me the mic, asked if I had a script to read, I did, and I e-mailed it to him, he put it on his computer so I could easily see it, then we read the script a few times. He kept telling me to slow down and we went through and recorded it 5-6 times and I read it over and over. Then The Guy went in and edited snippets taking the demos we liked the best. The Guy then added sound and things like that. It took until about 1p.m. That was faster than I thought.

Jeff left before The Guy and I finished. Once we finished however, we both went to nap. I woke The Guy up at 2:45 when he had to go workout. He hopped in the shower and I just sat around waiting. Then I left when he did and we went our separate ways.

I'm so exicted and thanked The Guy profusely for helping me. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Answers to your questions

This goes out to reader Bruce, in particular, who a few posts back when I mentioned I was coming out to my best friend posed questions like about when my friend chose to be straight. So I sat out to have these questions answered for my satisfaction moreover. I hope this doesn't offend you, because that is not my intention. I am not saying I'm not upset by his words, because I am. He is saying them to ME and we are friends... or so I thought.

When did my friend proclaim he was straight?
- Answer: There was no question- he decided that when he accepted God in his life.

If being gay is a personal choice, then why do gays go through all the hate and ridicule?
- Answer: his words directly:

Me: i don't believe that- a lot of the arguments are why would gays subject themselves to the hate and torture and other things?

Friend: cause, they stand out
they make themselves known
a NON follower of God

Me: but would gays really do this voluntarily- subject to hate, killing, murder, loss of friends, family, whatever as a personal choice?
because they want to stand out?

Friend: some people are willing to do whatever it takes
plus, they may have been social ostrasized
like if I told a child his WHOLE life that he was gay, but not really meaning that he was gay, just acted gay, his mindset might take on the form that he really is gay

but not all gay ppl are told that- i'm sure that a lot of ppl know, hide it from their family- how many parents are going to tell their kids "you're gay?"

some do
and it's not justparent
school mates
many many other factors
and that's just one example
some might turn gay based on the fact that no person of the other gender wants them

so you're going to turn gay if no woman wants you?
i have a hard time buying that

soem peopleget desperate
also, some people want to experiment
I've heard many cases of a man being married to a woman and she divorces him. The disownment causes him to feel that no woman will accept him and he turns gay

but i've also heard a lot of it is these guys have known all along

how can you?

but society has placed such emphasis on getting married, that is the thing to do, that these men out of fear hide it- think back in the 50s- how many guys were out? they weren't- it was out of fear- sure i'm making it a little simplistic, but think of "leave it to beaver"- mom at home and dad at work model

why would you but someone through all the trouble of marrying them just ot be gay all along?
well, gay looks like it's the thing to do now
since we're all being brainwashed that we should "accept them"
well, I DO accept them
but that doesn't mean I have to believe it's right

right, and i'm not saying you do say it is right
but acceptance is the keyword
and that's what bothers me cuz i see a lot of christians who don't
and it makes religion and claiming that you're a christian a turnoff

well, aren't I a christian?


I rest my case
I have friends who are gay
I accept their choices
but, doesn't mean I support it
if he wants me to go to a gay convention, or make me find my inner gay, I"ll refuse
in my heart, I don't believe it's right to be gay

Oh, really?
and 99% of the time i don't think they're asking you to think you're gay

well, gonzo is making you
you have to admit tothat


she wouldn't stress it so much if she didn't think you were
she does make a lot of guys question

but honestly, i've questioned my sexuality before her- she's just supportive and I can't ask for more

to make you experiment
having a guy suck on your cock?
Go on a date with a guy?
I mean, come on, you wouldn't of dreamedof these things when we were yonger

of course, no guy grows up thinking i'm going to go on a date with another guy
when did you hear about gays first? i know your parents didn't sit down and lay out your sexuality choices when you were young and you didn't know about being gay

why not?
some guys say they knew they were gay all their lives/

true, but they hide it from their families and it takes time to develop your sexual identity and understand you have an attraction to a certain sex- it says that in most biology and sociology books

do you believe everythign you read?
it's just a book
written by ordinary people

no- i question it, but it makes sense- it takes time to understand- sexuality is complex

and humans make mistakes
how so does it take time/

people who study that subject matter- and a lot of work has been put into these fields

I knew I liked tits the minute I laid eyes on them
obviously not enough work
since I've always known I liked women

when did you decide you were straight? i'm asking that seriously

I've always known
I like women
it wasn't really a matter of choice to me. I've always been interested in women

right, but i guess to me that's why it makes sense a little kid has a hard time if they are attracted to the same sex- it takes a while to process these feelings because you're taught this is normal- like women or like men- but the kids don't exactly know that right of the back, it takes time to figure out and learn

I did
I knew that there wsa a choice
and living my life with a guy didn't feel right

you tried it out?

I don't see how marriage is the norm
there are a LOT of people who choose to be single
single parents too

nowadays, but marriage is still valued as a piece of paper, which homosexual couples want, just like straight to claim they are equal, they have the same values, things of that sort

So what is normal?
there's no evidence of normalcy anymore
everyone's different

normal i'd say is considered the dominant- heterosexuality
bu everyone is different and that is the problem

let there be gay marriage
hell, let there be marriage between animals and humans too
If I want to marry my dog, shouldn't I be allowed to?

a dog is different- a dog is not a person- that's just an extreme
a lot of propaganda

well, what about a monkey?
since they ARE our ancestors right?

but you're talking about making marriage just whatever- marriage is still valued and that's what gays are asking for- a valued piece of paper saying they're equal

Friend: how is it valued?

the piece of paper claiming equal rights, that their commitment to their partner is the same as that of a hetero couple

Friend: what does it matter?
marriage is "just the norm"
their obviously not normal since they're gay
why not just be domestic partners?
they can make the commitment without a peice of stupid paper

they should make their own peice of paper then
I guess
i don't know
I dont' reallyl care anymore
let them get married if its "SOOOO IMPORTANT" to them
don't see what the big deal isreally

i see

they should make their own peice of paper then
I guess
i don't know
I dont' reallyl care anymore
let them get married if its "SOOOO IMPORTANT" to them
don't see what the big deal isreally
the rest of the country is screwed up anyways
why not screw up marriage as well

why not help a group of people?

it cost more for gas then beer
how screwed up is that
we have messed up politicians
our jails and schools are over populated
drugs are ramped

.......................... and the monotony went on...........................

6a.m. wake up call

I went to bed after 1a.m. because I was having the hardest time falling asleep. I knew I'd probably get a 6 o'clock wake up call from The Guy. Yesterday when we chatted on the phone we talked about getting our iPhones. He said he'd call me back last night and let me know. I just kind of laughed it off.

At 6:08a.m. this morning, I hear zzzzzz coming from my phone vibrating, then the Law and Order theme song starts to play. The Guy is calling and telling me he is on his way to the AT&T store by his house. He asked if I was going to come over with him. I said sure. I said I was going to get an iPhone, I just needed the umph to get me there. That was it. So I get dressed, tell my mom who is laying in bed that I'm going to buy an iPhone. My mom questions me and I said dad approved it. Dad was asleep and did say last night I could. In my defense I mentioned it SEVERAL times- in front of both parents, and I mentioned the higher price tag per month. My dad and I worked on a compromise on that portion of the plan.

I throw some clothes on and get in the car. The Guy texts me telling me how there is always a fat man in a fold up chair at the front of the line or that he was bored. He calls me when I'm making the transition to the 10 from the 15 freeway and asks for me to go check Victoria Gardens out. So I set out on and do some hands-on investigative journalism. I even captured a couple pictures with my camera cell phone. The store was definitely closed and there were probably 50 people in line. The Guy said we were number 58 at the store by his house. The AT&T store at Victoria Gardens had maybe 30 people in line. I exaggerated and told The Guy close to 60 people because I figured by the time he drove over here the line would be longer, and the store by his house has good customer service.

I get to the AT&T store by his house at 7:10a.m. He is standing in line just beyond the building. It didn't look too bad. He was standing talking to a latina girl, her brother, and mom about the iPhone, getting one, and other things. We chat about how this is like Black Friday or how we thought there wouldn't be soooo many people, things like that. This girl was buying the phone for her and her boyfriend's anniversary.

The people were pretty upbeat in line. The only idiot was the 2nd person in line who kept walking around saying for "$100 or obo he would sell a spot in line next to him." Everyone yelled and told him how stupid he was. The line started moving 10 minutes before the store opened. The manager at the store passed out bottled water and they began moving the line into the store. At 8a.m. they began selling the phones. The first person in line took 45 minutes for some unknown reason, but the 2nd guy in line and those following took 5-10 minutes. There was an employee walking through the line with a Blackberry asking what color and size of iPhone we were getting. The Guy said we were getting "2 16gig blacks" and I laughed at him and I said I'm glad that he is making all of these important decisions for me. He said he wasn't- there were only 16gig blacks left, unless I wanted 8gigs. I didn't hear him. We found out we went to the best store in the area because at the 2 Victoria Gardens locations combined (Apple and AT&T there were 50 phones to go around. There were close to 70 phones at the store we went to. The other stores in the area didn't get that many.

The Guy and I got in the store about 9a.m. He kept calling work and saying he was on his way to San Bernardino to help out there. Then he got a call from his mom and coworker asking him to go to LA, so he said he was in the car, would have to turn around, etc. He did talk to his brother on the phone about that time and told him the truth. He said to keep it a secret.

I get out of the AT&T store about 9:30. The Guy gets out about 9:15. He had an iPhone, so the process was short and simple. Mine, being a family plan, my name not being the primary name on the account, the checker constantly forgetting my phone number, and things like that took longer. It was ok, though. I was upbeat and everyone was in a good mood. The people were all very friendly. We got there just in time- they cut the line off about 10 people after us because that was all the iPhones they had left.

I get home at 10:15 and The Guy instant messages me as soon as AIM signs on. He tells me how he is having a hard time activating his phone. I connect my phone and the same thing happens. Finally after 10 minutes or so it activates. The Guy said he was at home because he couldn't resist the urge to try out his phone, despite him needing to go into work. I'm not sure he actually made it. His friend Jeff called asking him to pick him up, so I'm kind of doubting it. I just got my new toy up and able to synchronize with my computer, so I'm happy.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

This is hard to read

I am going to be buying a car sometime over the next couple weeks, so I am shopping around and getting quotes on the OUT THE DOOR PRICE on the vehicle.

There is 1 dealer in particular where a woman in the internet department speaks with a heavy Spanish has called me several times asking if I'm going to buy the car. I have always let the phone go to voicemail and here is what she says: "Heyyo, this message is finding itself to Mike, it is Treesa from Ignorant car dealer and I be looking forward to hearing from you. Be ready to call me back at (626)___-_____."

Here is an e-mail she sent to me today after I said I found a better offer at another dealer.

"Hello i got the price you are asking i see we have a deal dealer the only thing i need from you is to came down and show it to the manager i see a deal all day long please call me at soon as possible thank you have a good day. day to day come to visit me."

Is that not sad and painful to read? People whose English is this bad bother me. I do try to be sympathetic because I'm a language minor and learning a language is difficult. I do think however, if you are going to work with people, you should be able to communicate effectively.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

It was going to be a workout

I called The Guy on Monday about the time I felt an anxiety attack come on. I feel lately as if I can stop the attacks if I am talking with a friend or something. So I called The Guy Monday as Zach was leaving his house from a quick visit. We talked about our days, then said we would hang out yesterday. He said I should come over after my class and we'd go work out. I called him after class yesterday and he said the plan was we'd have lunch, play some WOW, when it was cooler in the afternoon, we'd go workout.

I get to his place about 11:40a.m. and he is hungry. I'm not hungry, but I said I'd eat. He said he was busy playing in an instance and asked if I'd make the pasta and cut up the chicken. I did all of that and even served him a bowl. He said I did a "pretty good job," although he complained there was no chicken in the dish I served him. He sat, ate, and played.

We sit and he plays for a while. His friend Dan asks if I can play The Guy's mage and The Guy can be the tanker in WOW. I said ok and got on The Guy's laptop and we moved from the living room to office and played for a good 2-3 hours.

We took a break to unpack new drinking glasses The Guy ordered off the internet from We put those in the dishwasher, then talked about going to the gym, but he didn't feel up to it.

We sat around watching youtube videos about the iPhone, Zune, and stuff like that. Then we talked about going together Monday morning when there is less confusion to get our iPhones. Yes, I'm going to pay that ridiculous extra $30 a month, which doesn't include text messaging. Damn.

The Guy talks about going out to the jacuzzi and I said that sounded good. I was going to go in also, but just sat on the edge talking to him. We talked about lots of important things. He told me about how he has a hard time cutting cords in friendships, specifically one with a friend who he has tried to hang out with for the past 5 years, but has flaked on him. Then we talked about our families and money. Then we talked about me. I wanted to talk to The Guy about my future plans because he always gives a different perspective... so here I'm writing it down just because he said I should and I'll have it here to be reminded of it.

It would be a good idea to get my teaching credential, then teach for a couple years, working on an administrative degree at the same time. Once I have my credential move out of my house and rent a room or house. This brought up an issue in that my family and parents have always discouraged renting. I've been told once you can buy a house, buy a house, buy a house. So renting in my mind has pretty much been out of the question. Housing prices at the time that all of my plans come to fruition they are saying should be bottoming out, so it would be a great time to buy a house. The Guy wasn't convinced. The Guy and I talked about how I would really like to pursue something in my degree field and I brought up could benefit from my degree- I mentioned fast food headquarters, department stores, some of the opportunities and jobs I've read about online, and stuff like that. He said that my eyes really lit up when talking about that and he thinks I should pursue that, but for right now the teaching credential would be a good way to ensure stability. Another thing we talked about was where I want to live. I mentioned right here in the area I do now- The Guy mentioned how I should focus on moving away from family, the conservativeness of this area, the problems like police response times, the people in the area, and stuff like that. I said for me I have a hard time of stepping out of my comfort zone and to me living in this area is comfortable despite everything he said. He mentioned how the opportunities I want are in large cities like Seattle, LA, NY, San Francisco, and San Diego. I acknowledged that and said I know that, but for me the hard thing is stepping out. We talked more about renting and how it will allow me to save for a large down payment on a house or whatever, how I won't feel bound by having bought a house and feel forced to live in an area my whole life. He also brought up how he knows 1 key piece of information (that I'm gay) and that is hidden from the rest of my family, because he thinks I'd thrive in an area like he lives where it is kind of suburban, but there is a larger gay community, and you will see your friends out and about. I sort of shuddered the way he was describing it like going out with them the night before and then seeing them at the grocery store the next day. Anyways, he was supportive of my plans, thinks I have good ideas, and just gave me new things to think about like renting.

We must have talked for 40-45 minutes. The Guy swam a couple laps in the pool, talked about it being kind of hazy outside, as well as humid, but no too terrible. Then we went inside. We sat and watched an episode or 2 of "Law and Order." He played WOW with his friends Alex and Chuck from back east. I studied for my test in my linguistics class I had today.

Afterward, he ate dinner. I was not hungry. He had a grilled chicken breast and green beans. He went to input that in his calorie calculator thing and obsessed over not having the label from the pasta to be able to keep track of that in his thing. We looked online, couldn't find the brand, the packaging, or anything. We looked at amazon and a bunch of other sites. We spent nearly 30 minutes doing that. It would have taken less time to drive to the Farmer's Market, figure out the brand, then come home. Then he modified his meals and meal portions and discovered he still had 100 or so calories he could eat and was goign to have an orange after he got home from the gym. At about 8p.m. we decided to call it a day and he was going to go the gym to do cardio or something for 20 minutes, and I was going to get home to study.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Redefined our relationship

Guys, let me reiterate what I have said OVER AND OVER. The Guy and I are just friends. When we met on craigslist, we were both looking for sex and companionship. We both found that through each other, but our relationship blossomed and sex was not the defining thing in it. It was great, but just an added perk. We both said at anytime we could seek other guys out, date other guys, etc.

Throughout the past few weeks I've been through hell. I'm not going to go into reasons, but believe me, I have been through hell with family, family relationships, friends, and things that have happened to me. During this time, The Guy has been there for me and I'm thankful for it. in fact, he was the first person I'd call in my moments of vulnerability. I felt like I was putting a big burden on him by talking, bitching, whining, moaning, and complaining about my problems. Each time he reassured me I wasn't and that he would be there for me in any way that he could, but he would not overstep his boundaries. During this time I became frustrated in one way because there was a lull in sex and I knew that part of our friendship had fizzled out. The Guy had redeveloped his self confidence, is thinking positively about himself, and is ready to enter into the dating world again. During this time he didn't tell me he was sort of putting an end to this part of our friendship, but I saw it happening, and was able to talk to him about it today.

I got over to The Guy's place this morning about 10a.m. We didn't hang out on the 4th like planned because I was having a difficult day, then yesterday he had to go to his parents house and had a good time. When I got there, The Guy was on the phone with his brother and playing WOW. He said hi to me and finished up with his brother. Then he asked me how I was. I brought him up to speed on what went on in my life over the past few days and the "closure" so to speak to one of the situations. He kept asking if something was bothering me and he asked 4-5 times like he tends to do in every situation. I said yes, even though something was bothering me. The sex situation. No, I haven't been in the mood to have sex, and he knows that. I just told The Guy nothing was wrong and then we moved on. He called his brother back to help him activate a phone, we watched an episode or 2 of "Law and Order." He practically force fed me a turkey and cheese sandwich that I had a hard time stomaching. I left about 2:30 when The Guy was going to take a nap and read.

Anyways, driving home in the car I had an anxiety attack. As a result of everything that has gone on over the past few weeks/months I have developed an anxiety disorder. I called The Guy when I felt it coming on because I knew the issue was about him and I wanted to confront it before it escalated and I made myself sicker over the issue. I was about 1 1/2 miles up the highway, I had just got off the freeway. He told me to pull over, but I didn't. I kept driving. I got about a mile further and after I couldn't tell him what the issue was. He took a stab at it. The lack of sex. I said yes. He said it was because his time to really step into the friend role, and I knew that, but I also knew that it wasn't just a temporary thing. He kept saying what would it be if he were to send mixed signals that he only wanted to have sex with me and that was why he listened to me bitch?

We talked and talked about it and basically he thought for him this was the best time to leave that part of our friendship behind because he really wants to start dating. I said I noticed that and told him how I've felt that over the past few months and days, especially. He said he felt bad for not telling me, but didn't want to complicate the other aspects of my life. I said I would have preferred him to talk it out with me, but I understand his position.

About this time I pulled into the Joann Fabrics parking lot because I was about to lose it.

We talked about how we have leaned on each other the past year or so like I'm there for him when he needs something like his ankle or when he was feeling really down and only wanted a Monster energy drink or ice cream. He has been there for me to talk about sex, guys, coming out, and has helped me through several of the issues. We are both there for each other, care for each other, and don't want to lose each other. I have reiterated to him time and time again how happy I am to have met him, how he really has helped me become more confident and comfortable with sex and my sexuality. We agree we both happened to find each other for a reason and we don't regret anything that has taken place.

We talked about how we both need to branch out and see other people. He doesn't want to lose me, but doesn't know we'd be compatible as boyfriends. We are both thankful for each other and will do anything for the other person. I rank right up there with Zach, his best friend. If I need anything, he will do it for me.

I was crying by this time and told him how all of this came at the wrong time and I didn't just notice it. I wanted him to know how appreciative I was and everything he has done for me. I talked about how hard it is for me because I haven't come out and how it feels like that changes things. He agreed. He reiterated he'll be there for me when I do.

We talked some more about how my goal now is just to focus on getting out of the house. Get my teaching credential. Get a job teaching. I talked about how it is hard with my degree being in the subject that it is, but he gave me some ideas on how to spin it; ways I had thought about, but he made it seem easier, how my goal is to save and he knows I can do it.

We talked about how we may no longer hang out 4-5 times a week, but we'll hang out once a week and the anticipation of seeing each other, and things like that will be more quality time. I ended by reiterating how I'm here for him and he said he knows it.

We talked about some other things, but that was the gist of it.

We chatted online about me having a hard time dealing with the issues going on in my life right now and moving on when I got online when I got home.

He's going to call me tonight and talk about some other things on my mind, some of the things that I have known would come. Like looking for other gay guys to meet, how it is hard for me to do things like post a picture on connexion or some other site because I'm not out, but my worries about saying I'm gay and the fear of employability and things like that later in life.

I know in the coming days it might not be easy for me, but he is here for me, I have his support, I have Gonzo, and several others. I can make it through.

Guys, I ask that you not criticize The Guy in doing this to me. I am hurt because it was something I really enjoyed, but that was just one aspect of our friendship. I have some great memories and I have them all written down. The only thing The Guy is really doing to me is making me open up a new chapter in my life and allowing me to branch out, which is healthy. Our friendship has blossomed into so much more- and is it worth losing such a great friendship over sex?

Saturday, July 5, 2008

"Well, I don't care if you go gay..."

"but hey, I will always like da pussy."

That was what my best friend IM'd me and told me after we talked for a good hour on facebook IM. We were talking about Gonzo and I hanging out. He seems to think she has a lot to do with "turning me gay." I think he thinks this just because I said few people know and she is one of the few who know. She has been nothing but supportive. I told him a while back her and I wanted to go to a gay club, so I see where he gets that.

The conversation really fizzled out after that, but it was nice I have his approval "if I do go gay."

He did recommend that I have sex with Gonzo and "if you don't get excited with her clothes off and her gropping your groin... your gay." I said I think 'd fail that test and that we're FRIENDS, not lovers.

So in due time I can just tell him I went gay. Simple, short, and sweet. I don't plan on telling him in the near future because that will just sound rash, so I'll wait a couple months or so and then just mention it maybe when we're talking on the phone or something. But hey, the pressure is off now.

After this my friend told me I needed to add the "owned" application on facebook because he wants to own me. He said I'm worth every single penny, even if I am gay. He was in a bidding war with a 36 year old woman for me. In the end afer being owned I am worth $99,999.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

What I don't want to see

I log onto myspace this afternoon and all of my cousins have posted new status messages- cousins on my mom and dad's side of the family. Take a look at their status messages:

Newly discovered lesbian cousin: is pondering the possibilities. 7 minutes ago.
Mood: horny

13 year old cousin is thinking about stuff. 28 minutes ago.
Mood: horny

College grad cousin wants to go to disneyland with her baby 9 hours ago.
Mood: horny

I can deduce that I have horny female cousins.

I guess horniness runs in the family.

Mike's mood: Exhausted

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

New DVD collection

After my bitching, whining, and complaining over the past couple days, The Guy suggested I come over today, we make a day of it, and we'd burn DVDs onto a hard drive for me. I got to his place about 9. The Guy had a free 1TB drive and he put on 100 or so of the DVDs he had burned onto the computer already for me. When I got to his house he was already at work, and had been, since 6:00a.m. burning DVDs on his 2 laptops, desktop, and then we used my computer once I got there. We only got 1 or so DVD done on each because of constant distractions. The Guy's brother called because he was on a sales call and having problems with a Window's computer. Then Josh, The Guy's trainer called and was having problems with his girlfriend. The Guy gave him advice- back off- worry about Josh. We preceded to clean up his house- do some laundry and load the dishwasher, but as I said, we kept getting stalled. I left about 1p.m. because he had lunch with a friend.

I am so thankful for The Guy doing this, and he knows; I'm going to buy him a couple DVDs I just saw in return.