Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Doing better

I had a difficult day yesterday.

The Guy is of course in love with his new boy and had no time to talk. I really just needed someone to talk to, and I want to say thank you Bruce for chatting with me.

My mom was really distant yesterday, and again telling me how she can't deal with me, can't handle this, how it is so wrong. She was in a mood already after dealing with my aunt in Nor Cal, so she wasn't too pleasant when she got home. We had the news on, and they were doing the Ricky Martin story. Her response to the whole Ricky Martin coming out thing was "another one," and how he has kids, so that is so much more wrong and so much worse.

I came into contact with several who were talking about my coming out that were briefly mentioned in this post. I am so thankful that the people did call me back who were genuinely concerned about me. I did hear some people talking and saying things about my sexuality- not directly to my face, though. I just smiled and said hello when I saw them, nothing out of the ordinary.

Today things are more or less back to normal it seems with several of the people mentioned in the above paragraph. The people who were eyeing me yesterday and talking didn't for the mostpart. I did hear my sexuality come up once today, and I just replied "it effects you because?" A bit bold for me normally, but whatever.

Update: Coworkers Viv, Eddy, and Marci were hanging out this afternoon and invited me over. We got buzzed among other things, and had a fun time watching couples retreat. Eddy and I swapped stories. I told the group about the 55 year old the other night, and Eddy was busy lookimg at porn on the computer. They just laughed about the 55yo. Marci mentioned a couple of times that Eddy probably had a computer full of porn. So funny. Marci wanted to watch some of the porn, so I watched porn with Eddy and Marci. Crazy stuff. I was wondering if I was going to have a 4some with my coworkers- I would have drew the lines there- that would have been a big no-no in my book. Plus I would have had a hard time staying hard with 2 girls involved. Also looked for porn on the internet. We were looking for crazy search term stuff on some site Eddy knows for straight porn and we ended up watching a couple videos in his room together where 2 midgets were in a 3some.

Viv did show us some random youtube videos including these, which are great when you're buzzed:

Sunday, March 28, 2010

So much on my mind

Woke up at 8 after getting to bed around 2:15 last night. Spent the day at Universal Studio (yes, 2nd time this week) with Darla, Iman, and several friends from high school that I don't see often. I was 1 of the 2 drivers. In my car we were bumping to country, pop, rock, etc., and I sunk as my heart desired. Everyone got a kick out of it. I had a great time. My friends were amazed how quick we got there by doing the 210 freeway to the 134- they all usually take the 101. The 210 in my mind can be the greatest kept secret, or worst, depending on time of day, where you're going, and traffic, but it is a beautiful freeway in general. We got on all rides except the studio tour. There were quite a few crowds, but the lines constantly move, which was nice. We took TONS of facebook photos. We also got caught up on each others lives. I enjoyed standing in lines with Darla and pointing out hot guys. So many hot guys there! We had some El Pollo Loco for lunch, but it was so much that we weren't hungry for Pinks Hot Dogs afterward, which was the plan. Kinda bummed about that. Pinks, for you out of towners is basically a popular hot dog stand where celebs and studio people frequent. Lots have hot dogs named after them- Martha Stewart has a hot dog named after her. We did walk around CityWalk afterward looking at the random shops and chatting. I had such a headache most of the afternoon in the back of my head and trailing to the front. I should have gone to the car to get my headache medicine, but instead popped a couple Tylenol, which don't do the trick. I still have the headache at 11:15p.m. Wasn't fun driving home with a headache, but I was the one who drove.

Haven't really had the chance to unwind from my weekend.

It was great to be around friends, but I didn't really get to talk to anyone and I just feel like I need to vent/have someone who can relate to me/talk about my frustrations from this past weekend. I don't know...

Got several calls while I was there this evening, which were good calls, but made me very apprehensive/anxious about tomorrow. I'm going to be seeing several people who I was outed to thanks to the acquaintance mentioned in this post. I know- I'm being vague.

My mom and I talked this evening when I got home as I was getting ready for bed, and the conversation seemed almost normal. My mom told me about playing poker last night with my friend John's parents. She told me about John's parents next major party, which will be a 50s themed party in July.

My dad was practically following me around the house to brag he did my laundry, which I hate since he does not do laundry well. Whites and reds don't go together, and bad things happen when they're mixed. My dad mainly insists on using those icky wire hangers, which drive me insane. I intentionally take out all the wood/plastic hangers when I have my clothes hung on them and stash them in my closet so when I do laundry my clothes are on hangers I like. Oh well. He didn't use my hangers. I won't complain- the clothes are clean making 1 less thing I have to do.

Although I felt kind of dirty after making out with a 55 year old guy last night just because he was some random stranger, it felt good, and I enjoyed it. I needed that whole go into a bar, not know anybody, and wind up with somebody.

I am apprehensive about doing a required online class this quarter that starts tomorrow I guess, and what seems like a very difficult class on Wednesday nights with lots of observations, lesson plan creation, teaching a lesson plan, and writing.

Trying to heal the pain...

Perhaps not heal the pain in the best way possible, but I tried. Everyone was busy or not returning calls/texts today. I was very pissed off. Gonzo didn't reply to my calls or texts. Darla didn't. The Guy and I talked Friday night, which helped, but didn't bother him since he was probably busy with his new guy- they're official. Foot Fetish said he'd meet me for the hockey game I had tickets to, but bailed last minute. I didn't text Dennis since he was with his date most of the day. I did text Viv, and she replied. I texted my best friend in MS, and he replied, so some did care enough to reply when I needed them the most. I was (this close) really close to saying some not so nice things to Gonzo and Darla. Oh well. I didn't. I lived.

At home it seems to feel like a Stepford Wives situation where my mom is acting like everything is perfect, but it isn't deep down. It is all a facade. My mom acts like everything is perfect, or ignores me. It hurts. I want so badly to say something, but don't know what to say. I'm just going about acting normal. The silence however, coupled with the silence from friends drove me insane and I needed to get out. I pondered the hockey game alone, but then decided to go to the bar.

Again, I want to say thanks for all of your comments who left them on my previous posts. I've read them NUMEROUS times the past couple days and it means a lot to know that people care. And thanks for the random instant messages, emails, etc.

So tonight I went to a bar in a different city where I knew I wouldn't run into anyone i'd know and try to meet someone- temporary, but it seemed like a good thing at the time since I needed some excitement. I'd been wanting to check out this bar for a long time since it was predominantly latino, and I love me latino guys, especially latino gay guys. There were a lot of lesbians at the bar, though, latinas. I was thinking of Mind of Mine while doing this and his experience. I went in, sat down, ordered a Miller Lite, and sat down at the bar. I got a call from my friend Iman, so I stepped away from the bar. I didn't feel like sitting back at the bar, so I stood along a long wall in the bar where others were congregating. I did message James, and had a nice chat with him on my iPhone. I was all alone and other couples/groups were filing in. I felt really alone. I was getting discouraged. I decided to order up another beer and chatted with one of the waiters.As I finished my 2nd beer i had the guts to walk up to a guy who had been eyeing me all night.

He was dressed in a red small squared plaid shirt with a black velvet logo or something on the back, black jeans, and basketball shoes. He was pretty hot. He is kind of what I think of as one of the types of latino guys I like- he had the Michael Maloney from Extreme Makeover Home Edition look going on- except with a brownish copper hair, and probably 10 pounds more than Michael. He was hot. I walked up to him, we joked about ahving a hard time approaching each other, then he leaned in and kissed me. We introduced ourselves. He was Dave, and I was MIke. He asked my age, told me i wouldn't guess his. I guessed 30. I figured at most he was 40. He told me he was 55. I nearly shit myself. Ok... um... so yeah. He lives at home and takes care of his parents. He joked botox and stuff helped. Sure did. He is a former hairdresser. We chat, kiss, then decide to dance. We dance to some Lady Gaga "Just Dance," and "Poker Face." We grind on the dance floor and feel each other up. Then we take a break so we can get a drink, then chat some more. I reveal almost nothing to him. I question whether or not to end it with him that early, but I liked the attention, and hey, he was a good kisser, he was touching me in just the right places, and I needed the affection/attention. More kissing, and soon we are making out hands on each others back, feeling each other up, tongue, you name it. This continued and we were practically taking each other's shirts off. He licked my chest a couple times. We got loud "owwwwwww" and "wooooooooo hoooooooos" from patrons in the bar. When Dave went to the restroom other guys asked me wehre the guy who I was all over went and that maybe I should go to the bathroom with him. It was hilarious that these 2 latino, big, gang member looking guys said this. I was amused. Anyways, Dave and I chatted, he told me how kissing was sometimes better than sex, and this was one of those cases. I agreed. More making out. Finally, about 1a.m. I ended it because I was tired, getting groggy, and a headache. We bumped and grinded once more, and made out.

I got out to my car and rinsed my mouth out- am i weird? i tend to do that after I make out- like I don't need your slobber leftover in my mouth... haha.

Got home about 1:45 and now it is off to bed for me at 2:15a.m.

So um... I guess the night was alright. I'm still having a difficult time, though.

Friday, March 26, 2010


I guess that's the best word for the past 24 hours. I am disappointed, bothered, hurt, not really surprised, but saddened that my mom has taken it this way. Again she seems to be taking the approach nothing is wrong. It is almost uncomfortable because this seems abnormally perfect. I am not sure what is going to happen. Going to be a long weekend- tried to make plans with friends, and most are busy. Not looking forward to it.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Denial... Deep denial at that... I did say I'm gay

I really don't know what to say about my mom. Over the past couple days I've been very bold.

Last Saturday when I was going to WEHO I told my parents I was going to go to the Grammy Museum and dinner. I said I'd probably be back after midnight- that's a pretty standard response. I give my parents an idea of where I'm going, and when I'll be back usually, and they're cool with it. My dad must have been looking around to cause trouble and he said something along the lines of "anything else?" I said there was. I said I was going to a club. My mom asked "a gay club," to which I replied "yes." She asked no more questions. NOW HOW MUCH BOLDER COULD I HAVE BEEN? It was not easy to tell my mom that! The next morning my dad asked me if I was hungover, and that was the only discussion about the clubbing issue the night before.

Then there was the car incident the other day.

Then this morning I was still storming around frustrated about it. I decided I was going to make it clear to my mom I was still upset by the comment in the car. I laid in my room until about 8:30 this morning with the door closed watching TV and reading some blogs. My mom knocked on my door to tell me she was leaving to go to the dentist. I ignored her. She continued to knock, then opened the door and asked if I was ok. I tended to act, which I do when I'm bothered, and I already had the cover over my head, curled up in a ball, acting like I couldn't hear her. She came over, sat down on my bed and asked what's going on. She really didn't give me a chance to say anything before she said that she knows I've been having a difficult time lately with school, friends, and work, and she wants to be here for me. She said sometimes it is just so hard when I tell my dad things I won't tell her. She said that I only tell her something after I've done it. I just sort of hid under my cover. She continued asking what was going on and how I know I can talk to her. I ignored her and broke down in tears. She asked what was going on and I said "I'm gay." I felt so bold when I said it, especially because I haven't been able to say it to anyone yet because the words just get choked up inside. Without skipping a beat she told me that I was not, I was just going through a rough time. I told her that still, I said the words, I'm identifying with liking guys, I have identified with a sexual identity, and it cannot be changed. I said that identifying with a sexual identity is where kids struggle the most because people try to tell them that they are not, therefore are not accepted, and struggle. I had so much more I wanted to say, but kept my mouth shut on this issue. UGH. This is not how I wanted it to go. Of course there were a lot of things I could have said like "I'm still the same person," etc. etc., but I didn't.

She sat on my bed rubbing my back and telling me she'll be here for me when I change my mind and I just lay curled in a ball under my covers. I got up once she left and was out waxing my car when she got home. No discussion of it since then and everything seems perfectly normal. She got out of the car and played with the dogs, told me they looked like they were guarding my car while I was waxing it. Once I was done I came in and she talked about cooking ravioli and shrimp for dinner. She's on the computer in the dining room now, I'm in my bedroom putting this post up, and about to head outside to do some yardwork. WTF? I'm so confused, frustrated, and hurt.

Maybe my mom just doesn't know how to handle it and she thinks by saying what she is it'll help?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Something my mom said...

While we were in the car coming home from Universal Studios with Linda and her son, my mom said something that left me furious. I was sweating and wanting so badly to correct her, but held my tongue.

Linda's son was in the backseat with Linda. I was doing the driving and my mom was seating next to me in the front seat.

My mom and Linda were talking about various friends they both have in common. One woman came up in the conversation, and here's what my mom said that made me cringe:

"I still can't believe Christina is a lesbian. This woman should not be where she is based on the lifestyle that she has chosen. She is in a position that she can play with and influence other peoples minds. It is just wrong."

The conversation went on, and just made my blood boil even more, I was sweating, and wanted to cry, but bit my tongue.

At the end of this diatribe my mom apologized, and said: "I'm sorry if I offended anyone, this is just how I feel."

After this?!?!?!

All I could think about was "you did not just say that." Do you realize lesbian and gay are the same thing?!?! After what I've been through the past month you have the nerve to say this?!?! Only reason I didn't is because I wasn't going to come out to Linda and her son.

Spring Break... ahhh yeah!!!

Been enjoying Spring Break so far

Saturday: Met a fellow blogger
Sunday: Hung around the house
Monday: Met Darla for dinner and Starbucks. Fun times! Lots of gossip and Darla got into her Masters in Public Health program. We talked about hot guys and other fun stuff.
Tuesday: Universal Studios with my mom, Linda, her son, and another teacher my mom used to work with. Fun day overall. Got a chance to talk to Linda's son about random stuff I've been curious about... like does he think his mom is so controlling? I brought that up when she was texting him while we were off on some ride. He said yes, but you just send a ridiculous answer and appease her. No surprise. I suggested we go to Universal Citywalk because we had rode almost everything we wanted and were trying to kill time. He was worried his mom would be worried he left the park. I told him what she doesn't know won't hurt her, it's not like we were leaving our moms for good, we were in a safe area. So we did. It was like the unspoken "what do you want to do?" I said let's just go, walk around, then I asked him what he likes to do for fun. Drinking came up. I suggested we get a drink at Karl Strauss. That was cool since Linda's son really seemed to relax and we just chatted about sports like the Sweet 16, college sports, and pro sports. Basketball was not my topic of choice and I knew little about the Sweet 16, so he did most of the chatting. We did talk about USC not being able to compete this year and stuff like that, and I was able to chat about whether or not it was fair, etc.
Wednesday: Dealing with Aunt in Nor Cal- talking to the lawyer- my aunt will basically be serving some time in jail it looks like. YAY!

The rest of the week is pretty much up in the air...

Monday, March 22, 2010

Another one of those early morning calls

What is it this year? We've certainly had our series of early morning calls with the loss of my grandma back in September and then my mom's aunt in January. All have been bad, and this one was not an exception.

My aunt in Oklahoma called at 5:43 this morning very upset. Her first husband had died and was only a year older than her making him 57. Nobody knows how he died, he was found dead at his apartment yesterday morning by my aunt's youngest daughter. My aunt's youngest daughter (not the lesbian) was close to him and is devastated. My mom was in tears by the time she got off the phone. I met him 4-5 times and the guy was just so loving, had a warped sense of humor, and an amazing voice. This was so unexpected. He was so young.

Sadly, I don't think this will be the last of those calls this year...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Mike does WeHo

One of my blog friends, Creative Thinker, informed me a few weeks back he was going to be visiting LA. We both thought it would be great to meet. He was staying with friends, but was visiting WeHo last night and invited me out. Thanks for the invite, buddy!

I spent the day getting lost in LA myself. I went to the Grammy Museum at LA Live. I had a great time seeing Grammy Memorabilia like the JLO dress. There was a Michael Jackson exhibit going on with several of his outfits. Next I trekked over to the Angel's Flight Cable Cars because they are finally open after a 9 year shutdown. I did not have $.25 and had to pay with $1.00, which was lame. Wish I had the exact change and was just able to whip out my quarter. It was soooooooo cool to ride those after seeing them on TV, seeing the trains when I was little but never going on them. I saw a movie being filmed on Wilshire at Hope Streets- didn't see any celebs I was familiar with. I stood in Pershing Square and just admired the architecture and big tall buildings around it. I wish I had my camera, especially while riding the Angel's Flight cars, but I didn't. NEXT TIME IS A MUST. I did dinner at a random sandwich shop I'd found, which was pretty good. It was about 7 by this time, so it was about to get dark.

From there I ventured over to Hollywood. I knew Creative Thinker was not going to be in the area until 9, and I wanted some time to explore WeHo since I'd never been. I've been to Hollywood, yes- many times in fact, WeHo, no. It was about a 25 minute drive from Downtown to WeHo- thanks to my trusty iPhone for guiding me. I went up the 110 to the 101 and got off at Santa Monica. I was tempted to stop by the Target at La Brea and Santa Monica just because it looked like a cool building and I love Target. I continued on and drove until I hit Robertson where the Abbey was located. I parked in a nice parking lot behind the Abbey and set out. I decided to walk the streets of WeHo to do some people watching because there were just so many hot guys, but also to explore and see what was there. I walked in a bunch of the stores that sold like t-shirts and underwear and looked at all the really skimpy stuff they offered. Can't say I wasn't tempted to make a purchase of some undies. Instead I found myself checking out the bar scene. I ventured into Micky's because they had some hot gogo dancers and was not too crowded at 8p.m. I hung out there and had a hard lemonade. I took off after and just did some more walking and exploring.

I must have been in Mickys for longer the more I think about it because before I know it it's 10p.m. and I head over to the Abbey. I get a bottle of Miller Lite and hang out. I walk around and get a feel for the place. There is a big guy with a rose in his hand trying to dance with me and making a fool of himself dancing in the aisle. I hang out in the back bar area until Creative Thinker and his friends arrived. He shot me a text and I make my way to where he is. We recognized each other instantly, and that was really neat. We hugged, him and his friends ordered drinks, and we introduced ourselves to each other. We walked around the bar again, posed for photos with the gogo dancers, and hung around talking.

It got rather crowded, so we went in search of a place less crowded. We found Eleven, where we got some cards and our cover was taken care of, plus they gave us free shots. So we had whatever the free shot was, which was tasty, and met some more gogos. There was some "lesbian show" for LOGO being filmed there, and we watched that out on the patio. We were in great sight to watch the interesting people dance on the inside. That provided us with lots of laughs. We hung out there for a while and chatted. In the bathroom I had a guy tell me how hot I was and how he loved the shirt I was wearing. That was a big confidence boost as it was a shirt I normally wouldn't wear.

LOGO show being filmed

Then we headed off to cruise through the stores. Fun stuff. We of course have to stop along Santa Monica and pose for photos with a drag queen because no visit would be complete without that.

I enjoyed meeting Creative Thinker. He has a sassiness to him and southern charm, which I liked and made it fun.

We parted ways about 1:05a.m. and I made it home at 2:26a.m. Not a bad drive, and not bad timing.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

3 gay guys do Target

The Guy and I have been chatting trying to get together, but his life is crazy right now. Jeff moved in with him, he is still with just 1 working bathroom, work is picking up, and stuff like that. We talked on Tuesday and said we'd get together Thursday. I shot him a text last night and then this afternoon to confirm and pick a time.

Jeff is living with The Guy for the meantime because Jeff manages to have all sorts of bad luck. His $40,000 Lexus he doesn't need that is only 5 years old completely broke down and needs a new engine. Jeff doesn't have internet access at his apartment, but needs it for work, without transportation can't get to The Guys for internet, so he moved in with The Guy and is sleeping on a futon. That's a crazy thing, especially with how torn up everything is at The Guy's.

I met him at 2 after I got off work. I get to his house as the construction people are there. I walk in and say a small hello, emphasis on small. I stand next to The Guy and behind Jeff at the computer. They did not see me. After about 2-3 minutes The Guy turns around and let's out a gasp as he was shocked to see me. They joked why didn't I say hi, and I said that I did, but they were too engrossed in the music and WOW game Jeff was playing.

Jeff gets dressed and we get ready to go to Target. Jeff lost his phone. He set it down next to the toilet as he was getting dressed and we spent 10 minutes or so looking for and calling it. Jeff is acting as The Guy's personal assistant, and they had a list of things to get. In the car The Guy tells about his new 65'' TV. Um. Wow. It was a great amazon deal. Remember that The Guy bought a new living room and bedroom TV just months ago.

At Target we start going through the aisles, which is fun. We joke about the products. We stop to look. The Guy just throws in random stuff- he throws in 5-6 Febreeze candles. We have arguments over the best trash bags. Which is better? Hefty Gripper trash bags, handles, enviro friendly? We didn't know. Gripper sounded pretty riveting if you ask me, and that's what we chose. We bought paper towels, a broom, and a Swiffer type mop.

Jeff goes on a hunt for clothes to wear at The Guy's and spends some time trying on the men's polos. The Guy and I take off. The 2 of us take off and we go looking for stuff to buy. I love this. Who else would I do this? We just go and fill a cart with stuff up, and buy it? Sure is nice to have money. We found Smart Water, frappuccinos because Jeff loves those, Amp energy drinks, and Monster energy drinks. We also see 4 hour energy things and get some of those. We both had our arms full. We go through the store looking for Jeff. Jeff actually moved the cart. That is so unlike Jeff. He is so forgetful. We go through the store wishing we had hands to use our phones to call Jeff, we then start calling "Jeff, Jeff, Jeff." He is looking at white t-shirts. He is shocked at all the good stuff we found and talks about how bad we are. The Guy and I take off again for a real live drink (a cold beverage), and while walking there is a gal who works there smiling and totally checking me out. The Guy makes fun of me for that. While at the checkstand Jeff is being checked out by the manager who is gay, and Jeff knows.

We joke that our cart has antennas. Check it out.

The Guy and I chat while we are on a hunt for things to buy. He tells me about his new guy. His name is Olly and he is 20, has a dorky look to him, he just moved here from Illinois, lives at home with his parents, doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job, lives in Pasadena, and is so hot. He met him last Thursday night. Last Friday they had a date- we chatted last Friday and he told me he had a hot date. They met on Grindr. They are going to Disneyland together tomorrow night and spending the next 3 days together. They were having dinner in Pasadena together tonight. He seemed ok from what THe Guy said and Jeff has met him because he is living with THe Guy, and approves.

Jeff needed his Starbucks because he wanted the real stuff, not those bottled Frappuccinos, so we head to Starbucks. I order a green tea that THe Guy insists on paying for, and Jeff buys his caramel frappuccino. The Guy then decides to cancel his 4p.m. training session, which at 3:30 was a little late.

We get back to The Guy's and Jeff is going to spend the night at his mom's house. The Guy and I take a 20 minute power nap, then go to get the dogs. On the way he tells me about his hunt for a perfect couch. He wants a white couch. A white couch in a white room with 2 dogs. The Guy got rid of his beautiful maroon accent room. His room looks so plain now- I didn't tell him that, but white on white on white is not pretty. He does have black slate floor. The Guy and I talk about furniture stores he can visit. He found one at Ethan Allen, but wants something equally expensive. I mention Basset and a few other shops. He is skeptical whether Basset is a good store because he'd never heard of it, then I tell him about my parents $14,000 bedroom set from there. My parents went all out 15 years ago and bought their dream bedroom set from there. It is a beautiful set. He wanted to know why we didn't have a Basset couch if it was so good, and I explained how we hadn't ripped the kitchen out, so my mom didn't want to invest tons into a couch, but also my parents aren't like him when it comes to money. My parents got that bedroom set with help from my grandpa before he died.

We pick up the dogs and his husky licks my neck, he hits in just a spot it tickles, which was funny. It was the sensation I get when a guy licks or sucks my ears. LOL. On the way back I tell him about my whole coming out thing with my mom. Things are going ok. He's been awesome in supporting me.

We get back to his place and play around on facebook. I see pics of Olly. We look at people with my last name, as well as his. We talk about education and had a good chat. I learned more about his degrees and how he wants to teach badly, but doesn't have his credential, yet is so close. It hurt to hear him say that. He is just a class or 2 away from his credential- he just has to do student teaching, but refuses to work for free.

More random chat and then he has to get ready. He sets up a random iTunes mix. He ripped the song below from iTunes, which was pretty good, and downloaded Acapella by Kelis.

The Guy showers and tells me I can come in the bedroom and watch him shower and get naked. It was funny. He was really hard, which looked hot as he was walking around his bedroom.

The Guy gets out of the shower and dressed. He changes shirts a couple times. I encourage him to go with the light blue shirt he had on, which he didn't want to because he doesn't like to wear light colors when he looks fat. I tell him he doesn't and he looked good- he did. He was going to go pick Olly up and meet his parents.

We head out at 7:20. We will probably hang out Monday or something. He told me his schedule and how he is pretty free after this weekend, which was nice.

Catching up on social networking sites before going to work

And I just read the funniest, yet probably most disturbing comment ever.

The only reason I use myspace anymore is to see what my little cousins in Oklahoma are up to, and keep in contact with them. For those of you that don't know myspace has a status update thing like myspace now that you can comment on a persons status with. Well, my little cousins were posting comments on each other's status updates on myspace and they said this to each other:

This is what Cousin's oldest daughter posted on her myspace as a comment:

Oldest 16 year old daughter: hehe in the bathroom
Her little sister who is 14: Of course you're in the bthrm douching.
Her little sister: you're a doucher!
Oldest daughter: gotsa keep it clean.

I found this so hilarious when I first read it I nearly spit out my hot chocolate. The more I thought about it, the more disturbed I was. I wonder if my cousin, their mother, is monitoring their comments to each other on myspace.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

And you wonder why newspaper subscriptions decline?

People in that industry just don't seem to care...

We haven't been getting our paper, and the newspaper company didn't seem to care. Here it goes...

Saturday morning- no newspaper, call at 8:45 and use the fangled automated system to get a paper sent out. No newspaper is sent.

Sunday morning- no newspaper, call about 9a.m. and use the same dang system. No replacement newspaper is sent.

Monday morning- no newspaper, navigate through phone system to get a human. Spoke to customer service supervisor, expressed great displeasure, and said she would credit our account for Saturday and Sunday. She said they didn't have a Sunday paper with coupons left over much to my mom's displeasure. WTF? You're a newspaper, you don't print extra copies? Well, by 11a.m. there is still no Monday paper. Call back and speak to another lady who says she will credit our account for the week.

By Monday we felt the company doesn't seem to care, and well, as subscribers we were getting fed up and didn't care anymore. My dad was rejoicing in that he wouldn't have to read a paper with such a conservative slant on everything (it is owned by Belo).

Tuesday morning- no newspaper. We call to cancel our subscription. The whole "why do you want to cancel?" spiel, and "we'll make it up to you." We are now getting the next 26 weeks for free. Funny that until we wanted to cancel the company didn't care.

Wednesday morning- The paper was tied to the gate with a bright orange note, which you can read below:

Personally we think the newspaper deliveryman didn't care and only started to care when he found out his job was on the line.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Well, progress...

My dad, who has mentioned nothing about my sexuality since this conversation last April finally made a joke about it today. It was so out of left field and unexpected. I was at home and he called to tell me about some good news that he had regarding something. Then he joked that he would keep his mouth shut so that nobody would find out I'm queer. It was kind of bothersome in light of what had just happened with my mom, but it wasn't a big deal. It actually felt like we were making progress since this came up and apparently we're at the stage where we can joke about it. Eh. Kind of how things are going these days. Good and bad moments.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Kathy Vara going back to Today in LA

Kathy Vara from KABC 7 is going back to Today in LA. Remember she was on Today in LA from 1994 to 2001?

She will solo anchor the 4:30a.m. news from what I understand, then do "special in depth reports" during 5-7a.m. with Alycia Lane and Chris Schauble.

I was hoping Kathy would be joining Schauble on the anchor desk as the main female anchor... oh well.

Can't say I'll watch. Alycia Lane is not a good anchor, and Chris Schauble talking with his hands still bothers me.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

So I was kind of bad today

I was horny and I saw an ad on craigslist that sounded hot. This guy was looking for jack off, and his stats were 45, 180, 6' br, br, 7+ cut. His picture was very cute. He was tall and thin, and a runner as his email name suggested. He lived about 15 minutes away. We chatted a few minutes and agreed to meet at a shopping center near his house. I pulled in and park- no sign of him. I roll down my windows because it was an 80 degree day in So Cal and a guy with dark brown salt and pepper hair pulls up in a red Jeep next to me. He asks how I was doing, what I was up to, and told me to follow him back to his place.

We head back and he asks what I want to do- explore his house, play in the living room, or bedroom. I suggest bedroom when i realize how indecisive he was. We go up there and stare at each other. Then he grabs my jeans and I rub his chest. I move down to his bulge in his shorts and start rubbing it. We undo our pants. I am wearing some trunks and he is commando. That was hot. He was hard and had a very thick penis. We rub each others for a few moments and hug and squeeze each other. We move it over to the bed where he lays on top of me, grinds on me, then we flip over and I'm on top of him grinding. Lots of repeating this, then we lay on our sides, arms around each other and stroke each other off. He moves down and does suck me off for a few minutes. We grind on each other for a few minutes more and stroke each other again. We again lay on our sides and I jack myself off. I lick his ears and play with his nipples while he jacks off. We both shot on his chest. We clean up afterward with some paper towels and get dressed.

We head downstairs and chat. He tells me about his house being on a small manmade lake and how he hates there is a retaining wall that blocks it. We talked a little bit about driving in So Cal and traffic. Then he has to take off to a barbecue, so I head out.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Lady Gaga Symbolism and video analysis

It is no secret that I'm a Lady Gaga fan. I loved her concert and had such a fantastic time with James. I continue to love Gaga and what she does...

Part of my fascination with her is her music videos, aside from the fact they are so different than anything that is out there, a lot of the contents of her videos are social critiques, which is typical of performance artists who often critique various events in society in their work.

Before I start I have to say that Lady Gaga's new video Telephone surprised me. I knew there was a lot of hype surrounding it, so it was going to be big, but this was BIG, EPIC perhaps. I pictured the video being something about what was described in the song, a club scene, which could have been portrayed easily, and I'm sure would have been done in typical Gaga style, but this was different and great, too.

Lady Gaga said herself on E Entertainment that it is a critique of issues in society. I remember analyzing videos in AP English 11 and 12, and talking about hidden meanings/messages, as well as taking many film classes, and discussing hidden meanings/symbolism, so this was up my alley. Here are a few of the things I saw when I watched it. Yes, I have analyzed all of her videos. Maybe I'm crazy. I just love that there are perhaps so many hidden messages in her videos. I love all of the possible social critiques/possible meanings in this video. Some of the symbolism is just awesome.

Here's some of the topics I noticed in the video that could be argued about in the video:
- Jail scene- where Paparazzi left off perhaps- remember in the video paparazzi Lady Gaga just killed her boyfriend
- Friendships: the strong friendship between Gaga and Beyonce
- Strong female friendships- girl power! Society often talks about girl power and girls are better than boys!
- Lesbianism?
- Females do not need to be subservient to the male, hence Beyonce and Gaga poisoning Tyrese and other men in the diner/strong female figures shown in the prison/ the line "I told you she didn't have a dick" (1:12)/ leather bondage gear shows female as masculine figures
- Gaga put to rest all of the rumors she is a guy or hermaphrodite (1:12)
- Cigarette glasses (1:27) - Drugs in prison, burning people up (killing them)?
- A critique on female prisoners?
- The brutality in the prison system (female prisoners beating up on one another)
- The prevalence of prison in our society
- The "ugliness" in prisons- those weren't necessarily the hottest looking people
- Butch guards (:30), were they male?
- Coke cans in Gaga's hair- coke the drug in prisons and its prevalence, how people try to sneak things into the prisons
- (1:38) Lady Gaga bound in chains symbolizes people being bound in prison
- Female sexiness- there is something sexy about the dancing (starting about 3:25)
- Police tape around 4:10 could symbolize danger, dangers prisoners face, danger these people are to society as Gaga is wrapped in police tape
- (4:27) plenty of fish dating showing the prevalence of online dating
- (5:05) animalistic nature how Gaga takes a bite of that food Beyonce has in her hand.
- (5:20-5:30) Beyonce talking with Gaga about trust, showing how perhaps a man did her wrong, cheated perhaps, which is a common problem in society
- Females are objectified by men (6:00-15)- the way the camera zooms in on Beyonce's assets, slapping one of the females ass
- Pussy Wagon- can mean a homosexual activity
- Pussy Wagon- from Kill Bill- a pop culture reference
- Poison in the kitchen (7:05) talking about unsanitary conditions, perhaps the poison in the food relating to fast food or mass produced food?
- Setting is a cafeteria, and cafeteria can have a negative connotation. Would you choose to eat at a cafeteria or a restaurant?
- The bad things workers do to food (a much more intense play on the server spitting in the food?)
- (7:09) One of the ingredients is rat poison, which again could be used to discuss the unsanitary conditions in restaurants/cafeterias
- (7:04) "Poison TV" logo- does TV poison you and the mind?
- (7:07) White powdery substance with a danger logo- perhaps salt, perhaps coke? Who knows, but it is something dangerous. If it is salt you can talk about the extra sodium that is typically found in mass produced food that is used to preserve it.
- (7:10-20) Men are pigs- Tyrese eats his food quickly and sloppily
- (7:27-35) Beyonce says, "I knew you took all of my honey you selfish mother******" - Beyonce is seen as pure and wholesome. She is a relatively good influence one can argue and kids can idolize, so she was bleeped out, which is more pure than Gaga who during the scene where she was riding in the Pussy Wagon said motherfucker
- (7:27-:35) Honey could mean money?
- (7:35) Beyonce pulls out the same mouse glasses Gaga has in the Paparazzi video after she killed her boyfriend, so in essence Beyonce is doing the same thing.
- (7:32) Gaga's nails are painted with a flag design, which can denote patriotism
- Beyonce's yellow dress is a relatively pure color
- Wonderwoman like outfits in the scene following the diner, showing female power
- (7:30-8:00) Dead people- poison perhaps from drugs (the prevalence of drugs in society), or the danger of mass produced cafeteria-style food
- the lyric "stop telelphoning me" could represent how women do not need to be bound to their husbands or boyfriends
- (8:15-8:30) Beyonce is using a corded telephone in the bedroom, which could show some nostalgia
- (8:46-55) Breaking News scene where Gaga and Beyonce are fleeing the scene- critique about news and how it is about suspects and bad people - News is often about crime stories
- (9:15) Female bond, women are strength when they join hands at the end

I'm not saying any of this is true, I'm not saying I believe all of this, I'm just merely analyzing, which I enjoy doing. You may say I'm crazy or overanalyzing, and sure, I'll buy that, but I just like it more after doing it... haha. I'm also not saying you have to agree with all of my thoughts. I am not necessarily saying I agree with every idea I threw out.

But I guess what I'm also trying to say is there is so much in this video! Like did you see Gaga's telephone-do at about 7:00-7:15?

Anybody else find any other symbols?

Friday, March 12, 2010

A few things I've learned about friends

Matt, over at Debriefing the Boys recently made a post that struck a chord with me. He posts about his amazing friends, and I have to give him credit for writing it, but I could have easily written that about how I feel about my friends. His post has had me thinking about conversations I've had with people such as friends, my therapist, and things like that. I wanted to post some "random thoughts" about friendship or friends:

I tend to place a lot of value on my friends because they are there to listen. Sometimes it is easier to tell them things or ask them things I wouldn't ask my parents.

You cannot be everything for your friends and fulfill everything for them and fulfill all their needs (physical, emotional, sexual etc.)- if you were, that would be boring, that's why friends are unique.

Every friend has something unique and valuable to offer. I go to The Guy for advice and that big brother I need. I go to Gonzo and my coworkers just for random stuff- chat about the day, work, school, and things like that. Gonzo and I have a lot of similar experiences and we understand each others situation well. Viv and I both have a rebel personality at times and we're both constantly challenging and trying new things, as well as speaking our minds. I value many of my blog friendships in the same way who you are, and what you provide to me, and in some cases, it is just a listening ear. I hope that I've reciprocated and been able to be there for you guys.

Matt has posed the following question, and I commented on his blog about it, but it is still swirling in my mind:

Do I continue investing all of this energy in them, the energy that they all put into their boyfriends and not into me? Do I cut them loose, because this is ultimately a waste of time if my goal is to find lasting love? I'm sure the answer is something in between. But how do I find the correct path?

Here's the comment I left on Matt's blog, and additional commentary...

My friend The Guy (the guy I always blog about) always says that he is in his 30s and friendships last a long time, where relationships may not. It is the incredibly dynamic relationships you have with your friends that are long lasting and unique that is what has gotten him through his hardest days.

I feel at times in my rather limited dating experience I need to balance friends and dates. Most of my dates have been failures. Friends are the ones who are there to listen, build me back up, still love me regardless, and that's so important since dates won't. I have a great variety of friends- 2 to 3 very close friends, several not so close friends and acquaintances that make things more interesting, and have something I value. I am thankful and try to show my thankfulness in meaningful ways.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

No coming out news... but...

Still busy, busy.

Today: - Ran errands all morning, met Gonzo, Viv, Eddy, Mari and everyone for a quick lunch.
- Allergy shots this afternoon, which took a ridiculous 45 minutes, so Mike will be calling Kaiser to complain.
- Found black curtains I liked for my room at Bed Bath and Beyond for $19.00 a panel. I need to buy new curtain rods right now. New weekend project is to put the curtains up. That'll be a process. Lots of pushing and arguing with my dad to get them up.

And here's the song I've had stuck in my head all day
Never Going Back Again- Fleetwood Mac

Wednesday: - Haircut (it's been 8 weeks!)- we'll see about a new style
- Hopefully I'll get a sub call
- School from 5-9, and an hour talking to my friends in the parking lot after

Thursday: Meeting Viv and her lesbian cousins to go to male and female strippers night at the local gay club

Friday: Nothing yet- hang out with The Guy? Hopefully

Saturday: "Punch and cookie movie night" at Eddy's... it is in quotes because I don't think it'll be that innocent.

Sunday: I was invited this past weekend to go with the hairstylist and his husband to the same gay club I'm going to Thursday night to hang out. We ran into each other this past week and I turned down their invitation to go out this past Sunday, so I promised to not flake this Sunday.

Fun times into next week also...

Monday night: - Last night of my Content Literacy class- loved the class (I've gotten the most out of this class in my credential program, and the teacher was just like a mother). One girl is bringing cupcakes, so I'm going to cook some dessert up since there are only 6 of us in the class. I'll miss this class.

Wednesday night: - Last night of my Teaching class and my partner is inviting all of the guys and a few of the girls in the class to go to Benihana for sushi afterward.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Quick update to the coming out

Went shopping with my mom over the weekend and little was mentioned about it between my mom and I over the weekend- it was mainly her expressing her displeasure for the person who outed me. She seems to be in my corner 1000% right now. Something will probably come tomorrow as we have more time to talk. I had school tonight, so didn't really see her.

I want to say thanks and it means an incredible amount that several of you wrote or messaged me because you were concerned. I truly appreciate it.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I was basically just outed to my mom

Probably in the best way possible- as in my mom's friends relaying the information?
But worst as in the acquaintance who said it?

I am not sure if my mom knows 100%, but an acquaintance said something about my sexuality, the acquaintance told a good friend of my mom's, my mom's friend relayed the information, and confessed I give off a vibe.

I asked my mom about her outing with her friends and what is going on with her friends, and my mom relayed the story, how she found out the information, and life goes on?

I can't really go into details because of who and what was said, but I guess my mom knows?

In a convo a few minutes later a lesbian acquaintance came up and my mom said something to the fact that would have been insensitive if my mom believed 100% I am gay. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this?

I do know that because of who the acquaintance was the subject of sexuality will have to come up again, and definitely in the next few days. I do plan to bring the issue up myself, then we'll discuss it, and I plan to be vulnerable and say something like "I can't help it," or "I'm not a different person because of it."

Going to be a long and difficult weekend.

5 of the month

In following with Stephen's theme...

People- but my twist on people

Random thoughts about people...

This is a random person who stopped on my street to return Poison to his house. There's usually at least one person who stops at least once a week and causes a scene trying to find where he lives. So we park in the middle of the road? Then we make a commotion and cause all other dogs in the neighborhood to bark because we're idiot fools who have never seen this dog that wanders the streets in the neighborhood before?

These people make good cookies. The breakfast of champions by the way. They were very tasty as I didn't have any time to whip anything up as I got a late call and was running out the door as fast as I could.

People like my sister make me wonder. The past 2 mornings I've walked into the kitchen to get breakfast and there is a cheese wrapper left on the counter next to the fridge. Can you not throw your trash out? Pig.

These people bother me. They seem so happy. I'm afraid I don't share their enthusiasm about this book (or class.)

This dude was driving 30mph up the highway I live off of. The speed limit in this area is 45. Oh, and he was trying to smoke while driving.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

This is how I spend my evenings.

In grad school creating art.

Actually, this is a part of a lesson that a gal who wants to teach art presented a lesson on. I have to say I had such a fun time just doing something out of the ordinary, no worries, and nobody making fun of me for my lack of artistic ability. This was so amateur in comparison to what others in my class created in the time allotted.

Oh, and bonus points if you can tell me what type of art I was mimicking/ we were studying.

And on another note I got in trouble in class tonight. Another gal was giving a 7th grade lesson on measuring and estimating for math. We were given measuring cups, bowls, and corn to play with. I threw the corn at my partner who was in another group behind me. Why did I do it? To be funny. He would do that to me, he's just that kind of guy. The girl sitting next to me is one of my good friends in that class and we're constantly egging each other on. She told the teacher I was throwing corn and then my partner got pelted by a piece and he tattled. The gal giving the lesson came over and spoke to me about "making a positive choice." She spoke to my group and told them I needed to make positive choices and they should help me. Then my partner threw more corn at me, so I threw some back. The gal presenting took me to the back and conferenced with me. She told me I'd be given an alternative assignment and was on my way to a referral if I continued. I was speechless and agreed to go back and behave. I was talking to the girl after class and she talked about how I played the 7th grade scared kid part so well. It was all in good fun. Although, I was very embarrassed when the teacher, the military drill instructor brought up the 1 misbehaved kid, in which I was turned bright red. It was all in fun, and the gal presenting knew I was going to act out since she did during my presentation.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I have the hardest time figuring out what matches

Some mornings, like this morning, I stand in front of my closet, pull shirts out, and spend several minutes debating which pants match the shirt.

Some days I swear I'm colorblind, although I can tell you that the jeans on the far left are a darker blue with a gold wash, medium blue for the second pair, brown Banana Republic pants, and a light blue wash with gold tint.

It's mornings like this I need Gonzo, or a friend to help... I guess I'll wear this another day. I think the medium blue or brown match btw.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Calling all bloggers for...

Stephen's blogger challenge!

Stephen, over at The State of the Nation UK has a challenge for us bloggers. It sounds like a fun idea and I'm encouraging you all to take part. I plan to.

The directions are as follows:

So with this in mind, the next "5 on the fifth" is a few days away and you are very welcome to take part. You can either take 5 random pictures of anything that happens to you on the 5th of March (or the days leading up to it) or perhaps go for my suggested theme. This month, the theme is... People (perhaps pictures of people you have met this week or even the first 5 people you see on the 5th?)


I'm needing a haircut and I've been thinking I'm going to change up my traditional spikes a little with one of these variations:

The Ben Affleck

Maybe a short version of the David Archuleta?

I am leaning toward this? Stephen Coletti

Which to do?