Friday, August 31, 2007

Beating on your meat and music

I drove 30 miles this morning to go to school... out in the middle of nowhere in the boonies... see pics below.

Only to hear this hilarious statement from his sexy professor:

"beating anything can be a form of music"

The class started laughing and then the professor realized what he said, then he said yes, "beating your meat can be a form of music."

Then the teacher was laughing so hard, he could barely talk, so said we could have a 10 minute break. When we get back from the break he said he had time to go beat his meat and make some music and was ready to teach again. Damn. I missed it.

Took the photo below after leaving the train station. My sister called me saying mom was stuck at work and couldn't pick her up, could I? She had a real attitude on the phone, but I relented and said I'd pick her up. The only condition was if she got in the car with an attitude, I was leaving her. I got to the train station; she got in the car and began whining. I told her to get out and she said "no, I'll be good and I can't tell her what to do... she can call the police on me for abandoning her." I said please do, then just sat there, got her worried by acting like I was going to call mom. Then called my mom, she got out, and I went to the mall. My sister got in quite a bit of trouble this afternoon from my mom. Haha... made my day.

Have a great 3 day weekend guys and STAY COOL!!!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

IM convo with best friend

Talked to some bloggers the other day and they wanted to see convos I have had with my best friend. I made this up about having a lesbian friend just to get a reaction from him...

M= Me
F= friend

M: so we've been hanging out at her apartment watching movies and whatnot
M: and well I really like her as a friend
Friend: cool
F: what's she like?
M: 5'7'' or so... probably 150lbs or so... i'm not good guessing girl's weight... then she has anice chest
M: brown hair and very tan
F: awesome sounding
M: she dresses pretty girly but comes off as one of those tough girls
M: you don't want to mess with
F: lol
F: cool
F: you going to date her
M: well no
M: she likes girls
F: try it
F: you need a relationship
M: sure y not?
M: but honestly i feel if I were to go into a relationship with her it'd be different than all my others
M: mainly cuz she wasn't a friend beforehand so we could go FARTHER
F: how would it be different?
M: so there wouldn't be the friendship element there
F: like bad different. or good different?
M: so we wouldn't worry so much about hurting each other I guess you could say or ruining our friendship
F: I see
M: I'm not suure if that's good or bad
F: so you're saying because you guys weren't really friends for a long time, it wouldn't have a the friendship side of things to hurt
M: yea
M: exactly
F: weird
M: but this girl... there is 1 thing that is welll... interesting?
M: she swings both ways
F: that's... kinda scary
M: she says that girls do more for her definitely
M: you didn't pick up on that above
M: well.. it's really your choice.... personally, I wouldn't want to be with a girl that prefers girls over guys sexually... I mean, that's just weird
F: that bothers me
F: I've heard that girls can please a girl better and all, but dang... that's just wrong if you were to be in a relationship with her
M: I've heard the same for guys being able to please another guy better
F: please
F: no, guys can't pleasure each other like that
M: sure, if girls can do it, guys can too
M: how many guys have pleasured you? how many have yhou been with?
M: just answer the question... how many?
F: none
F: that's gay
M: my point exactly...... you don't know if guys can pleasure you and pleasure you in ways girls can't
F: dude
F: that's fucking gay
F: you know I'm a homophobe
M: gay guys are guys too
F: they like GUYS
F: that's gay
M: being gay usually means you like guys
F: it can mean being happy
M: well in the context of the convo happy didn't fit
M: but dude, seriously, so what, i'll just hang around, exploer with her, see what happens
F: are you serious????
M: just because she is lesbian?
F: dang
F: you can't get caught up in lesbians
F: they don't like guys
M: well what about just as friends?
F: dude, that's wrong
M: whatever
M: you're not telling me who I can date, be friends wtth, etc.
F: i'm just saying it's wrong

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Beer shots... Saturday 11a.m.??? Anyone down?

We have a gray white board at home and we write down important dates etc. My mom wrote on it that on Saturday we're having "Beer shots Sat. 11a.m." We're getting the party started early. Is that not what it looks like? I don't see an "a" in there.

What my mom meant to say was "Bear shots Sat. 11a.m." Bear is my sister's dog who apparently is due for her yearly shots.

I had to make fun of my mom after she wrote this and then snap a photo of it just to taunt her with it if needbe in the future. She denies she wrote Beer shots and that I'm misreading it. I'll let you judge... but in the meantime if anyone is down for Saturday at 11 for beer shots, let me know, we'll see what we can arrange.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Pumped up part 2

I spent the better part of an hour im'ing The Guy. He said he was going to the bookstore. I told him I had to go to. We decided to go together.

Got over to his place about 6:30. He was on the phone with his friend in San Francisco who is going through a lot of tough times. He talked on the phone and we were whispering back and forth, making faces at each other, then decided to go to the bookstore. He talked while we were in the car and finally about half of the way through said he had to go. So we talked about random stuff like the book I had to get. My mom has been asking me for the better part of the month to go over to the mall by where The Guy lives since it is the only bookstore that has it.

We go to Borders and they don't have the sci-fi book The Guy wants. As we were going in 2 hot guys were walking in. We get in there and there are hotties everywhere. The Guy and I ended up walking around the whole store stalking the hot guys and counting. We counted 8 hot guys there and we were making comments back and forth to each other. They didn't notice us... haha.

We go to Barnes & Noble at the other end of the parking lot and he goes looking for his book and I get the one my mom wants. Then I get some biography to read next week on the plane (I'm going to Nashville). I meet up with The Guy once I found my books. We decide to check out the DVDs. The Guy finds 20 he instantly needs, but decides not to since they aren't on BlueRay. The Guy does buy one however, so we check out in the back. The guy who checked us out JJ was talking about shows like Scrubs etc. and the 3 of us were totally flirting with each other.

JJ asked The Guy if he had a Barnes & Noble Member Card. He said no because you have to pay. The Guy was thinking about getting one etc. etc. Then The Guy said he'll get one, grabs the books I had in my hand, then says he'll pay for them if he is getting one. The Guy asks if I had a card and I said yes. JJ said we could use my member card for The Guy's purchase. So The Guy said he'd get me dinner since I saved him $25.00. HAHA. As we're standing there I pick up the Beach Boys CD "The Warmth of the Sun" and the 4th season of "JAG." There went my recycling money. Sounds like I'm becoming as impulsive as The Guy when it comes to buying stuff. Anyways, I pay for my stuff, then we leave.

In the car we talked about what we've been up to. The Guy went to Phoenix on Saturday on a whim, got off the plane, rented a Nissan 350Z, went to a bar, met a hot guy in the bar, decided he wasn't his type, realized he had an ugly friend with him, but befriended the ugly friend to meet the other hot guy that the ugly guy was with. The 3 guys were really wasted and The Guy was too, but not as wasted, or so I'm told. The 3 invite him to stay in their hotel room and so The Guy gets to sleep with the hot guy he wanted. They didn't do anything sexual. The boys were from Colorado. The Guy paid for their breakfast in exchange for letting him spend the night with them, then took off, came back to California. Went to Arizona for the bars...? I had to make fun of him for that... LA seems more of a bar/gay scene than Phoenix, but The Guy had fun, so I guess that's all that counts. Man... I'd love to have a weekend like that!!! Let me just take a moment to make it clear The Guy and I are not going out. We're just good friends... friends with benefits...

This led to The Guy telling me that Joe (the guy from Florida, he met online and now lives out here, who I mentioned a week or so back, who is 22) dog sat for him while he was gone. The Guy asked if I would ever dog sit for him, I said yes; he said he might take me up on the offer. He said Joe needed to print something on Sunday and The Guy was hanging out with his friend Zack, but invited Joe to print since he doesn't have a printer. The Guy said that Joe hung around for a while and then sat down, watched the movie with Zack and The Guy making The Guy uncomfortable because Joe was ruining and commenting on everything about the movie. Then The Guy basically told Joe he had to leave since The Guy can't joke around Joe. So Joe is now mad at The Guy.

We went, got Chinese food, went back, watched an episode of Stargate, then The Guy said he was going to go read his book and call it a night. During dinner I told The Guy about my sister and we made fun of her for little things like her driving or her taking the train to college, or her view on curse words... haha. I left and got home a little shy of 9p.m.

We also talked about how The Guy goes through stages of wanting to avoid people like when he doesn't take his meds or runs out. So that's the stage The Guy is going through now.

Great night overall though... it was great to just be with him, talk, actually talk about meaningful stuff, etc. etc. I'm pumped.

I'm feeling pumped today...

Woke up in a GREAT mood. Slept great last night (for the first time in nights). Woke up at 6:30 ready to go. I watched news and watered outside until about 9a.m. KTLA Morning Show was good this morning since Jessica Holmes wasn't on. Watched Regis and Kelly at 9, but that was boring, so I took off to the gym. Had a good leg workout. Now I feel like I'm waddling when I walk because of the workout. Haha. Saw and talked to a girl who I went to h.s. with who helped me out a lot last year and the year before when I was trying to transfer colleges. She actually went to the college I do and transferred to a different one- she was as unhappy as I was for the same reasons. It was good to see her.

I felt the urge to spend money, so went to the mall. I bought 2 shirts at Gottschalks and 2 at Sears. Went in JCPenney and found a couple outfits for my sister for her birthday at the end of next month, so I bought those. Had to call my sister when I was there to get her size and she was very hesitant to give it to me. She never likes anything I pick out. I don't care. I don't think its that I have bad taste. My sister just won't venture from shorts and a t-shirt that often. Yes... as much as I say I hate her (and I think I do); I really do have a soft side to me and try to be nice.

After all that work at the mall I worked up an appetite. I hit In-N-Out for some animal style fries. I came home and made a small steak that we had leftover from dinner the other night to top off my meal. It was delish... nice steak with some Trader Joes 21 Seasoning, a dash of salt, cooked in a pan with some olive oil... yum!

fries on the right... grilled onions, cheese, and the secret sauce...

Then the weather outside... it is a bit hot... we're supposed to be 99. There is not a cloud in the sky. It is just nice- here's 2 photos I took while out driving. The first is in the warehouse district coming back from the mall.

I'm not sure what I'm going to get into the rest of the day, but it should be fun. Maybe I should make dessert since I'm cool like that and eat dessert after every meal.

Edit: I decided to take our bottles and cans to be recycled. We had about 10 bags (2 1/2 months worth). We got $36.93 from that. The rule in my family is who takes the cans to be recycled gets the money. So I'm going to go to use that money to go the mall tonight for some new threads (haha K) and then I'll be real fly and stylin'.

The Mega Millions Lotto Jackpot is $250 million, so I think I need a lotto ticket tonight.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Cambios en música

De improviso mi sabor en la música ha cambiado. Suddenly my musical tastes have changed.

Ahora estoy escuchando a la música española. I am now listening to Spanish music.

Desde pop como Christina Aguilera y Shakira a Maná. From pop like Christina Aguilera and Shakira to Mana.

"Bendita tu Luz" - Mana

En el carro he puesto un botón en la radio por Latino 96.3. Latino 96.3 tiene una buena mixta de música de ingles y Espanol. In the car I have preset Latino 96.3 on the radio. Latino 96.3 has a good mix of music in Spanish and English.

Yo no sé donde esto vino de. Yo nunca he escuchado a la música española realmente antes. I don't know where this came from. I have never really listened to Spanish music before.

Friday, August 24, 2007

The meeting at work...

Went well and was done in an hour. It lasted from 3-4.

The question came up midway through about what to do about a lead tutor. I was told in June I would be. That's basically because of everything I said in my previous post about how I know this and that and none of the other tutors do. So the coordinator asked if anyone else would like to be... there was a hush in the room.

Mike sat in a student desk huddled around the 6 other tutors, coordinator and looked down, thought about it. Mike then looked up and said something to the effect, "I'm thankful that you guys think that I handle these duties so well and I am certainly capable at fulfilling these duties on a daily basis." The coordinator, Mrs. C, said I do a "kick ass job" and should continue.

I said there is a big "BUT" and pay is an issue. I said I don't mind doing these things, but I don't see that I am getting paid for this. I don't mind arranging guest speakers, making phone calls, making photocopies, handling timecards, handling all the budget related stuff, but I am not being paid more than anyone else for doing this. I am getting paid, but not anymore. I said I do all of it because it is beneficial for the students and I find that really rewarding and the coordinator thanked me for my efforts. I said maybe you feel it is out of the goodness of my heart I should do it, but all of this is above and beyond what is in the contract that I signed when I was hired. Mrs. C said she realized what I was saying, but the district has the pay set, she championed for more pay for us, but there is nothing she can do.

So she opened up the forum to the other tutors and asked if they wanted to step in. Loud Mouth did. So now Loud Mouth is the lead tutor. I could care less... it is just a title with more work for the same pay. Loud Mouth said she didn't know if she could handle all of this herself (typical response from her) so Mrs. C asked if anyone else would be willing to help her. Gonzo and B volunteered. So now there are 3 lead tutors. I like that... it takes 3 people to do my job. I know I'll end up doing a lot of this stuff even though I'm not lead tutor.

Anyways, afterward Mrs. C said that she could pay me some overtime hours to help her set up her classroom with the new stuff for the program. So I did that for 3 3/4 hours with Loud Mouth... heck yes!!! I left school at 7:45p.m on a Friday night... haha

I was talking to Mrs. C afterward after Loud Mouth and Gonzo left. She said she knows I'll be the one who does the stuff still, so it doesn't matter she chose them 3. She knows Loud Mouth won't get anything accomplished; Gonzo will, but it will take time for her to find everything out; and B is going to be busy with other things. Mrs. C said she still respects me and knows I'm there, sees how I feel, and will do her best to see what she can do.

Sexy professor...

'nuf said. I need a music class to graduate at school that hasn't been offered in over a year, so I'm going elsewhere to take it. I'm taking it at the community college 30 miles south of me since it is the closest school to offer it. It is a once a week class on Friday mornings from 9-12. I don't want to take it, but I have to if I want to graduate by next summer.

So I get there early, handle all my financial aid stuff, register in the class, then meet Randy who is a 50 or so year old Mexican guy taking the class. He is taking this class just because he likes music- he already has his BA and is 4 classes from his master's in college counseling. We talk about college, etc. and he seems like a cool guy. In fact, he said he'll take notes for me when I'm gone in 2 weeks. Randy also said if I need a job with his company, he can get me in, and tell me how to get them to pay for my education. Randy speaks no Spanish and was jealous at mis abilidades.

So the professor shows up at 9:15 even though the class started at 9. We had to guess this was the professor. He was YOUNG. He was 27 he told us, but you wouldn't know it. He looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, except much sexier; as if that was really possible, but it is. He had his hair slicked down and at a point in front. He has dark brown hair. Bright blue eyes. He is about 6', probably 170lbs. He doesn't look like he works out, but man, he doesn't have to. He was dressed in a sky blue polo and blue jeans with Doc Martens. HOT. He had a pukka shell necklace around his neck. He is Italian and Mexican. When he isn't talking he looked in a daze and had a sexy confused look on his face. He is getting his doctorate right now at the college The Guy goes to. The professor is a cool guy... he has had most of the students before, he is soooo understanding of everyone's situation, he was sooo interesting to listen to, he was sexy, and he even gave out his cell phone number. He is straight... he lived with his h.s. sweet heart from 19-22, then they married at 22 and he divorced her last year at 25, but is over that. Anything this guy says I'm sure is going to sing to me... haha... it is a music class.

So we did the typical first day introduction things where you introduce yourself. This guy isn't the normal prof. though. He was stopping as we were talking, asking us about stuff that caught our interest, then wanting to know more and asked questions. He said the point of that was to show we all have something in common, we're here for networking, etc, but also to show how though the guy may not know about something, he can ask, find out, and learn. He asked a kid who said he was taking a calc class to get up and show him how to do something. Since I said I am minoring in Spanish we had a conversation going in Spanish. He is taking some Spanish classes right now, but is not as advanced as I am.

I sat in this class and was actually looking forward to it. World Music sounds boring, but this guy sounds like he's going to do everything to make it interesting, he is really laid back, then he is going to drop our lowest test grade. Good stuff... and the prof. said he's an easy grader, goes over the study guides question by question, etc.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Nickelback "Rockstar"

I have heard this song sooo much over the past few days on STAR 98.7 that it has grown on me quickly. 

How many famous people can you identify from this music video? I counted 6 or 7.

Tutoring pay

So now I have 2 jobs... I plan to sub 2 days a week in my mom's school district. Then I'm still going to tutor at the high school.

I have said MANY times that I love working at the high school since I know everyone and have great friends like Loud Mouth and Gonzo.

Things are going to be different this year because of a new coordinator for the program I tutor for. I can accept most of the changes since they won't affect me. I have done enough ass kissing that I'm seen as the go-to guy by all the teachers and the new coordinator. I can do no wrong in their eyes. The new changes for coworkers like Loud Mouth will definitely cause her some problems... she may actually have to show up... and show up on time... haha.

Anyways, the biggest apprehension I have about going back to work at the high school is the pay. It was supposed to increase nearly $4 an hour. The district didn't approve that. Yet every other person in the district got a 6.6% raise. Us tutors didn't because we're paid from entirely different funds than the rest of the people in the district. That was a big insult to us tutors... I think our job is pretty important... working with needy kids and helping them in areas they are struggling. What I used to make was good money up until this point. Now the cafeteria workers get $11.95 an hour... the noon playground monitors get $12.15... an instructional assistant (what my job is classified as) gets $14.15, yet I don't get paid that.

Part of it is I can see I can get jobs elsewhere doing the same job with almost any other district and get $2-$6 an hour more. Sure it may mean doing a little more work, but that's fine. My mom said she can get me a job in her district, at her school for $3-5 more than I get now. The money sounds good, but I don't want to work with my mom and the teachers at her school, even though I like a lot of them and would fit right in. I would not get to see/hang out with people my age like my coworkers though, which is not something I'm sure I want to lose right now. In fact, I know I don't.

I can do other things outside of the education arena- I've looked at many things, but none are as flexible as being a tutor/instructional assistant with the hours. I do have a strong resume and references, so that is not a problem. I just like the flexibility of my job right now. I would like to try other things, sure, but I don't know if it is me being scared, limiting myself, and not
wanting to lose the flexibility and not wanting to work weekends.

I did apply for 2 non-classroom jobs, but never heard back for interviews, so it is not trying on my end, and at least I can say I did apply. One was for a representative for a local college, which would mean going to schools and community events, etc.

Then another thing is the money. Every person in the current school district I'm in is making $2-3 more because of that raise they got. I guess it is the greed in me, but I really want more money too. I could easily apply to be a campus supervisor and get $5 more an hour, plus would get paid for random things like working the concession stand at the football game or supervising the basketball game. Money sounds good, money can buy things.

At the meeting tommorow, I do plan to tell the coordinator that I have been approached by other teachers in other districts about doing the same job for more money. This may not be the best thing to say, but she knows that I am not happy that we didn't get a raise. She knows that I am the go-to guy: I know all the students, I handle the classes well, I know all the little adminstrative stuff that needs to be done, I know the budget stuff, and none of the other tutors do, plus with her being a new coordinator and having never done this before she needs someone to help her. Wouldn't it be a shame if I weren't there? She did say last year she would see if there were any way to get me a little more money... I'm just going to say the time has come for that since I have many more options.

This post was probably all around, but I didn't try to organize it in any real order... just kind of throwing out thoughts that have been in my head and get things straight.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Fake Christians/ struggles with religion

I read this on my cousin's friend's Xanga... old school... haha. Anyways, this girl was able to summarize what I feel sometimes so well. I really want to link to her post because it was so well written, but instead I'll summarize and give my own opinion. I know she checks her counters and how people are finding her site, so being the paranoid closet guy I am, I don't want to risk outing myself or have her commenting, asking me who I am by linking to her site.
The girl says she has a constant struggle with her spirituality because of her upbringing in Catholic school. She hated it, the nuns, the strict rules, stuff like that has turned her off to Catholicism because they present the religion in a way that it is not. The nuns try to be loving, but they have turned her off to religion. She went to a Christian school for middle school and she realized that the kids there, like at Catholic schools are meaner than anywhere else. Their teasing is worse than any she experienced in public school. She contemplated suicide as early as 11. This only drew her away from the church.

In high school she went to a public high school- my old high school. She said that she was amazed by people who did and didn't believe in God. She said that she was thankful for this time to question her beliefs, which for her was good. Her best friend was an athiest, which scared her filippino Catholic parents. They sent her to confirmation classes to help instill good Catholic values in her.

In college, she was further away from God because she had the freedom to experiment. Her parents forced her to transfer back to a private Christian university in this city. This, she says, stunted her faith in God again because the people were much like they were in Catholic and Christian school- rude and ungodly.

She, like me, at so many times felt that it was better to be religious than nonreligious to save ourselves from damnation. Spirituality is a good thing. We both have forced ourselves to talk to God daily, pray, etc. because we both do believe in God, but there have been experiences that have turned religion off to us. We both believe there is a God. We both respect each religion. We both like to talk about religion and answer questions about religion. Both of us agree that fake Christians- those who don't act Godly, yet consider themselves believers. Those who say they're Christian and really aren't. We both don't want to be associated with these types of people. Both of us have experienced our fair share and find it a real turnoff to religion. I remember even as early as middle school in youth group realized how some of the kids were so mean to each other and I didn't want to be associated with them. This was in the Christian youth group. I remember in high school, it was the in thing to go to the church on high school night. It was always the wrong kids going- the ones who make fun of everyone, the kids who were disruptions in class, constantly suspended, etc. etc. , maybe they were trying to find God, but I have my doubts on that, and I just don't want to be associated with them.

We both want to have kids, raise them in the Christian or Catholic church for the values, etc. instilled in kids. There are a lot of important biblical lessons taught that are mostly common knowledge, which it is important for kids to know about.

Family, fake Christians, Christian schools (I never went to a private school), but things like that have turned us off to religion and make us realize we don't want to be associated with these people.

Anyways, she ended saying she needs to take baby steps. Maybe this means spending a few minutes praying before bed. But it is hard to feel like you want to be a Christian, want to believe in God, want to be labeled by the tag Christian, when there are so many negative things associated with being a Christian and some really unchristian people.

A week and a half

A week and a half since I saw The Guy last. He has been playing WOW nonstop for like the past week. How boring!!! Anyways, last night I texted him saying I needed help since my character was dying nonstop. It turns out there was some bug or something in the land I was in on the game and nothing was dying, but killing me.

So about 9:30 I got over to his house. I brought ice cream and Smart water. He asked that I bring ice cream, but I brought the water just because he is always drinking it and I found it on sale for $.75 a bottle. He was excited I brought that.

We go and start playing immediately. He sees my problem and sees there is a bug. He helps me get past that and find a new area. We play until 10:45 or so- nice and short. Thank goodness, I wasn't into it.

We go have some ice cream and sit on the couch and watch "Arrested Development." It was the episode where Tobias becomes Mrs. Featherbottom. We watch that episode each time we see each other it seems. Anyways, the episode was being Tivo'd, but the landing of the space shuttle was on, so the episode was cut off. So The Guy said we need to go to the bedroom to watch it since he had the episode downloaded on iTunes. He puts the dog in the crate, which means we're going to fool around... heh.

So we go to the bedroom, get under the cover, get real close together and snuggle. We watch the episode for a few minutes. Then he indicates he wants me to suck him off. I do that, He is rubbing my back in the meantime, which felt great. Then he undoes my shorts and does the same. Then we end up just hugging, cuddling, squeezing each other. Fun times. After, we both got in the shower for a quick shower. The Guy looks so hot when he steps in the shower... the look on his face when he is monitoring the water letting me know it is hot, cold, etc. is too funny. His eyes get real big and everything.

After this, The Guy gets a call from some cheat/gold exchange service for Warcraft. He was in bed, ready to go to sleep, but gets up because they called and a player had the gold he needed. The Guy is using this service and paying out tons of money (real money- on his credit card) just to get the gold he needs for his quest or something. R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S. Anyways, The Guy waits and the service that is supposed to help initiate this transfer isn't working. So The Guy gets on his laptop (he was on the desktop in the office). We go into the living room and watch "Arrested Development" and "Star Trek Voyager". The Guy was getting pissed off it was taking so long and no response, yet he was paying real money for that. It was 1:15 by this time and I was real tired, so I said I'm going to take off. The Guy thanked me for everything, I thanked him, then took off.

I left at 1:21, got home at 1:53. That was GREAT timing. I even had to take some side streets to detour because 2 of the freeways I'd usually take were shut down, as well as the highway I live off of in 4 places for construction.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Hot day... boring training

I was at a baseball game last night...

Angels beat the Yankees at Angels Stadium 7 to 6 in the 10th inning. If you were watching the game on ESPN, you probably saw my head bobbing in the background. One of their cameramen sat behind me for a good 3-4 innings and kept telling me when the camera was on in our area. Good game cuz the Angels won, but I've seen better games. Didn't get home until 11:40.

Being out late didn't make getting up at 6:30 fun. Had to go to substitute training and sat listening to random faces blab for 7 1/2 hours. Had to pay $30 for this lousy manual.

Drove home in 110 degree heat according to my car thermometer at 3:12p.m.

Despite the heat, I felt like a rockstar in the car, in the cool air condition, enjoying the sunny weather, rocking out to STAR 98.7

Monday, August 20, 2007

My morning

First thing was at 5:45 my sister was running through the house getting ready and I didn't want to be woken up so early.

To start the morning I turn on Today in LA only to remember Rachel Boesing is no longer the morning weather girl. Hurt, I was. I had to do some channel surfing to find a quick substitute. I need to have my morning dose of news and it was hard to watch with no Rachel to brighten my morning.

I like Henry Dicarlo and Vera Jiminez on channel 2, but they're only the traffic and weather reporters and not shown much. The CBS 2 morning show is so slow paced, it is almost boring to watch and they don't have all the morning reporters the other stations do. I don't like Chris Schauble and Jennifer Bjorklund on Today in LA- Rachel was the only reason I watched and because they did weather every few minutes, I got my morning helping of Rachel. I like Emmett Miller and Cher Calvin on KTLA. I don't like Jessica Holmes in the telecopter on KTLA because she doesn't appear to be that smart and her voice is downright annoying. I don't like Jane Monreal on channel 7, but Kathy, Phillip, and Garth are fine. They just don't replace Rachel. I won't watch 11 in the morning. I don't like Jean Martirez, Tony McEwing, Lisa Breckenridge, but Rick Dickert is hot, but not shown enough to justify watching.

So for now I'm a KTLA watcher in the morning now. Not that this matters, but I have to have my morning helping of news and weather. I just enjoyed watching Rachel and her bubbly personality, her hot looks, nice glasses, sexy voice, and style. Here's some Rachel Boesing videos I found on youtube.

I love the funnel cake part in the video above and the cooler weather part.

Her goodbye video...

I was forced to stay up because through the midst of all this, my sister was getting ready for her first day of college. My mom took her to the train station at 6:10 and my sister made the 6:45 train to get to college. She called at 7:45 to say she was getting off the train and waiting for the bus. My sister called 3 or 4 times within 10 minutes and gave my mom a heart attack nearly each time saying she didn't see the right bus coming. My sister called about 8:05 and said she was on the bus. She called at 8:15 to say she was at the college. I'm shocked she made it. I honestly doubted she could make it and had the maturity. I don't think I was being critical just because she was my sister- I really didn't think she could when she acts like a baby 90% of the time. My dad and I are picking her up to today to take her to the Angels/Yankees game, so we'll have to wait to Wednesday to see if she can make it home on her own.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The battle over the stick shift

I want to learn to drive a stick shift. Yesterday I test drove a couple cars with my dad. I was looking at a small SUV I am considering. I found a GOOD deal on the SUV, but the only thing is it that it has a manual transmission. I don't know how to drive a stick. I opted to test drive the automatic version of the SUV to see how it performs. The brakes require a lot more stopping distance than I'm used to, but I could get used to that.

Anyways, when we met up with my mom at lunch we told her that we found 2 cars. One was an SUV, which she liked, but when we told her it was a stick shift, she threw a fit. She said how nobody can drive it in the family. My mom has carpal tunnel and complains that it would be hard to constantly shift. My dad knows how to drive a stick, but has bad legs; so having to step on the clutch would be a problem. Then I don't know how to drive one, yet want to learn. I said I want to learn. She said NO. They're unsafe. I think I mentioned this in my earlier car post. She said that I'm not used to it- having to constantly have my foot on the brake because the car will roll. I'd have to learn to shift. I do tons of stop and go driving, so I'd get tired of it. It is also dangerous because you will only have 1 hand on the wheel because you need to have the other hand on the shifter constantly. It is also dangerous because of all the extra work and I'd be concentrating on shifting, pressing the clutch, and not on the road. Plus I never put on my parking brake because I have an automatic I'd forget, the car would roll back, possibly hit another, etc. etc.

My dad said that it is my choice, it is going to be my car, I'm going to have to learn if I want a stick. I am not sure I want one because of all the stop and go I do. I go through 14 stop signs on my way to school that require you to speed up and slow down every 1/2 mile or so. I do a lot of stop and go driving. I want to learn though and first see if I think I'd get tired of it.

I told my mom these are just her irrational fears because she wants me to get an automatic because she think it is so much safer. You think it is so much easier to not have to shift. You think that it is fun just getting in, putting the car in drive, and driving. Part of that is because she likes the SUV I'm looking at and wants it for herself, so she is pushing for automatic. I told her it is a good thing to know how to drive a stick. I told her that she thinks I can't handle it. I told her she is just a mom and has that stupid mother fear and is worried I'll get hurt. She said yes, of course, I am a mother, I'm supposed to. I told her it was stupid and whatnot and wasn't going to listen. I shut her up pretty quickly. While that hushed her up yesterday, I know that the battle is still brewing if I were to get a stick shift because she'll just try to rehash this whole thing again.

But the sucky part is that if I'm going to get an SUV like this it'll almost surely be a stick because it gets 4-5mpg better. The other thing is it is kind of hard for me to test drive a car that is a stick shift when I don't know how to drive one.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Does Gonzo know?

I was wondering if Gonzo does know I'm gay. Maybe it is just me reading too much into everything, but I'll explain.

Gonzo also works at the gym I go to. She works 2 jobs. I haven't seen her at the gym since the end of July since I've been going when she isn't working. My dad said on Wednesday when he went to the gym that he was going to tell Gonzo I was avoiding her and didn't love her anymore.

Sure enough, my dad did. Gonzo just looked sad and told my dad she thought he was right. Knowing that my dad was trying to cause problems I let him do it. I knew Gonzo would think it was pretty funny, I thought it was funny, and I would hear about it either way, so I was just playing along. So when my dad was at the gym I texted Gonzo and said, "he's right, I am avoiding you."

She texted me back a few hours later, "Mike, he did tell me u were avoiding me! lol. i heard youve been out a lot though. that's nice... you party too much Mike. don't become a lindsay lohan and i'll have bail you out mike, we can't be having that, it's not professional."

I responded "partying? No. Never. Wrong person. I am not the party type. I have been dealing with family stuff, house stuff, and hanging out with Steve" (she knows my friend Steve and how he is going to college and is into computer games and I told her I have been playing with him since I'm keeping The Guy a secret from everyone and staying in the closet).

She wrote back a few minutes later "and where have you been going out? Late at night, spending the night?" I texted her, "what did my dad tell you? as for going out, i have been hanging with Steve 4-5 days a week and Mike (another friend) has too. But let me reassure you nothing bad... no partying or anything took place. I'm a good little boy."

She wrote back, "really Mike? I have reasons to believe otherwise...," so I had to ask for an explanation.

Her response was not what I wanted to hear. "Spending so much time with Steve. Spending the night with Steve. You and Steve..."

I asked, "are you saying we are an item? me and steve? no... we're just hanging out and where did you get spending the night and all this me and steve...? i never said anything about spending the night... it was you." I could have just confessed, but a text message just wouldn't have felt right, not for one of my best friend's like her.

She said "i have my possee keeping an eye on you." She wouldn't respond to my 2 other texts. No biggie though. I'm not worried. I saw her driving twice yesterday... once at Kaiser and once at the grocery store and tried to call her after I saw her each time, but she didn't pick up her phone.

So now the possee is watching me. Is her possee my dad? Did my dad tell her I spent the night with Steve (The Guy)?

Not too worried though... coming out to her would be easy and she'd be pretty accepting. She would keep it a secret if I asked, and because of Loud Mouth Coworker, I'd ask her to. This is one of the other reasons I keep my texting to a minimum... 200 a month or less...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Elvis and the family connection

I was born on Elvis' birthday (January 8). Elvis died on my dad's birthday (August 16).

Mom watching Brokeback

I just walked into my parent's bedroom to talk about what we're doing for my dad's birthday. She was sitting on the bed knitting and watching Brokeback Mountain. I was a little surprised/shocked. I didn't say anything, just asked what we were going to do for my dad's birthday and left. But I thought that was interesting. Hmmm.... I am pretty sure my mom is watching it for the straight love story and romance.

Let's get some shoes...

Ok... so I'm having less of a problem lately admitting I have a shoe fetish. I've added some new shoes to my collection and plan to add some more soon. I was talking with I have to admit it last night and after feeling down about a bad day I decided I needed to shop for my dad's gift and get some shoes... shoes make everything better...

Found some really cool shoes that I hope to have in my possession soon. I am really trying to branch out from the typical conservative clothes and shoes I wear as I told I have to admit it. I usually wear the typical California teenage guy deal of skater shoes in black, brown, etc., but am branching out. I've bought a couple pairs of Converse, some really cool brown plaid shoes, and here's what I'm thinking I need...

I really like the red shoes and have never bought a bright color like that because I think "what would I wear with those?" I have to admit it said I could wear black Dickies, white polo, etc. So that's an idea. I don't have much that will match with bright red I discovered in my closet. Track pants and a white t-shirt, track pants and a red shirt, but I'll need a lot more red... heh. But I'm keeping an open mind... maybe... maybe after a shopping trip? Need a little encouragement... heh.

I'm so paranoid about having shoes match the shirts I wear... it is ridiculous. I'll admit, but whatever. It's probably a large reason why I go for the more conservative looking shoes.

I want a pair of white shoes, even though living on a dirt road, having a dirt driveway, living here in the country would be hard to justify and hard to keep them clean, but I've always wanted a pair of white shoes.

Maybe I'm ready for something really wild...

I definitely want the white or brown with the cool plaid border at the bottom. How original is that?! I'm psyched. They're a bit over my usual $60.00 limit on shoes, but for those it would be ok to splurge... haha. Now to debate over white or brown...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I'm Ready to Run... away... care to come along?

--- Woke up and got a haircut at 8:30a.m.
Had to take sis with me to get her hair trimmed... she is not a nice person before 10:00a.m. or so, so that wasn't fun and lasted until 11a.m.
--- Went to Staples for a mailer for a shirt that I had to return
They had a 6 pack of mailers, not 1 and so I had to end up buying a box that cost $2.49. Thankfully the shipping cost was covered to return the shirt.
--- Realized I had no cash in my wallet and felt lame having to ATM the $2.49 box.
--- I try to call the architect only to discover there was a cell phone outage in the area.
--- Went home and had enchiladas for lunch (the good part of the day)
--- Went to get the mail and send the shirt, pass my grandma's house and realize her driveway is nonexistent
The county resurfaced the road and "improved" it. They took out the asphalt that made it look like a driveway and put up a curb so it is impossible to get in her driveway. Then there is now a 2 foot long, 1 foot deep hole where part of the driveway used to be. Also realize her mailbox has been knocked down. I had to call the county and explain her driveway was no longer in existence and how I need them to come now. They said they would. County basically said they'd never block a driveway... right... I'm sure. Didn't bother to check if they fixed it and repaved her driveway, but will see tommorow morning and if not will call and raise hell again. Handled this problem behind my mom's back instead of giving it to her because she was dealing with enough stress relating to my grandma.
--- Got a jury duty summons in the mail... I'm going to be like my mom I swear who gets 1 yearly. This is my 2nd time getting jury duty. Curse at the thought of spending a day of summer vacation doing jury duty.
--- Get frustrated hearing about all the problems/bad treatment from my aunt in Nor Cal.
--- Let out an F bomb about 4:30 when I realized I missed my fingerprinting for substituting and it takes a while to get an appointment. UGH. I need to have those by the 21st. UGH.
--- Also about this time I also realize it is my dad's birthday tommorow and have no clue what to get him. He doesn't want clothes, has all the electronics, gift cards aren't for him (he loses them). Went to the mall and Best Buy only to come home empty handed. Still trying to find something.
--- Had some random idiot try to cut me off by making a right hand turn from the far left lane and crosses 3 lanes of traffic to make a right turn with me.
--- Didn't make it to the gym
--- I did make some scrumptious marshmallow crispy treats and indulged in those to make me feel better. Realized marshmallow crispy treats make everything better.

The idea of running away still sounds tempting though...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Smart Car

I'm kinda car shopping. My dad and mom have agreed we're going to get a car soon because my sister MAY get her license soon (if she can pass the test, which I have serious doubts about). So I'm looking at cars... typical commuter cars... a Civic, Sentra, Accord, and a Toyota Prius just because I drive so much (not for looks or to appear as an environmentalist, or any of that). A commuter car would be fine for me because it has everything I need.

Anyways, saw a story on the news that the Smart cars are coming to America and you can reserve one right now for $99.00. They'll retail for anywhere between $12,000 for a base model and $17,000 for a convertible. So would anyone buy one of these? I'm just curious...

I would look at the Smart, but I was thinking no. Sure I'd get plenty of looks, but it just doesn't seem practical or even luxourious in the least. Showed it to my mom when she arrived home tonight and her response was NO. It is small. Size is going to be a battle. My dad says I can choose whatever I want as long as it is in the price range, is safe, and gets reasonably good gas mileage. My mom however is BIG ON SAFETY AND SIZE. My mom thinks my car is just the perfect size (it's big, trust me). My mom thinks her midsize car is too small. She thinks a Civic is too small, a Sentra, and so on. My mom's philosophy is if it is not big, it is not safe; plus you need room to carry 4-5 friends.

Everything I've pointed out I like she shoots down. She says I wouldn't want a truck because it's not practical. I disagreed and pointed out with all the house stuff it would be, plus I can haul stuff. She talked about needing a camper shell for it to be practical, but then why not just buy an SUV. I said no camper shell. I also pointed out I like the higher seating position in a truck- you can see better and it is more comfortable. Then she went on how most small pickups have a stick shift and how unsafe that is, plus how I would hate to drive one.

The Civic and Sentra are small and dangerous. They're not American cars for one. Second, they're small, so they're unsafe. My mom has always had HUGE cars. Her current midsize car is the smallest car she has ever owned and is too small. Then my mom goes back to a story where her friend from work had a 1980s Civic and she used to have to sit in the back when they commuted to LA and how cramped it was. I reminded her the new Civic's are much bigger. I also point out that the accident situation has as much to do as anything with whether or not you survive an accident. It doesn't matter the Civic can have side airbags. I acknowledge size is a factor in surviving an accident, but it is not everything. I am a good driver, don't need a huge car, stuff like that.

A Honda Accord or anything comparable is not a good car (including my mom's current midsized car). My mom had a friend who had an Accord and after an accident it was totalled and became an Accordion. So midsize cars like that are unsafe. My mom complains on a regular basis how her car is so small. People give her looks for that because most people think a midsize car is a good size.

A Prius is not an option because it is too small. It is considered a midsize car I pointed out. Nope, too small. Plus hybrid technology shouldn't be sooo expensive.

A full size car would be ok because it is big, safe, roomy, and you can take 4-5 friends with you. Your full size car is less likely to be totalled in an accident. My mom was hit coming home from work in her Oldsmobile Omega 2 weeks before I was born and the car was totalled and that was midsize, so that's too small. In 1996 we had a full size car and all of us were in an accident on our way to Knotts Berry Farm. The Ford Escort that hit us was totalled. The Toyota pickup that hit the Escort was totalled. Our car was still driveable, there was almost no damage, and we were still able to go to Knotts Berry Farm that day. My mom can't seem to get it through her head that cars are meant to crush in an accident nowadays.

An SUV would be ok because they're big, they're safe, but they don't get great gas mileage and I drive 250+ miles a week. I'd love to go more than a week without filling up.

Oh, and government crash tests don't matter because big cars are automatically safer and "I'll just be so much happier in a big car."

This was originally going to be a short post about the Smart car, but turned into my mom's opinion of cars I like... haha

Got insurance?

Maybe you need Coming Out Insurance...

Monday, August 13, 2007

Spent the night at The Guy's (2nd time)

The Guy instant messaged me about 11a.m. Sunday saying I need to come play WOW. I got dressed and went over. We played WOW and I started 2 new characters because I suck so badly The Guy was trying to help me find the right character for me. The Guy was doing quests with an online friend and talking by a voice program built into his Mac. His friend made fun of me for my inabilities in the game. It was all good- I had some quick witted responses for him, even though The Guy wasn't always hitting the chat button so I could defend myself.

We had thai for lunch and dinner. Good stuff. We took a break about 5:30 and The Guy wanted to lay down. I was just laying at one side of the bed and he was at the other, but his dog got on the bed, so The Guy moved. He moved up behind me and held me. It was hot. He was playing with my chest, then moved below the shorts and started jacking me off. Then we ended up just taking our shorts off and romping around the bed. Lots of tickling, touching, stuff like that. The Guy pinned me down and started licking my ears. I think I've mentioned how I'm so ticklish there, but also what a hot feeling I get from that. He just would not stop and that was driving me crazy. It was all good fun though. Then we settled down and took about an hour nap. I laid up against him holding him.

After this we were back up playing more WOW. We played until 12:00a.m. or so. Then we watched Oprah because we wanted to learn about global warming and because Al Gore is such a sexy hunk, The Guy joked. Then we flipped to NBC and watched an old Star Trek movie. I was getting real tired about this time. It was 1:00a.m. or so and so I said I was going to leave. The Guy said you're dad is the only one home, he won't care, just spend the night. I called and said I was staying the night, he was already asleep and groggy, so said ok.

The Guy said he wasn't tired so put on a show called Firefly which is a cross between a western and sci-fi from 2001 or so that was canceled after the first season. That was a LONG show and I ended up staying up through most of it as much as I tried to fall asleep because The Guy kept having to give his usual hilarious commentaries about everything and ask me every 2 minutes "isn't this good?" The Guy put on the second episode and I managed to doze off through most of it and he did too. I slept pretty well. His dog wasn't all over the place like usual and The Guy wasn't either. This time we slept pretty close to each other and when he did wake up he just scooted closer to me, so it was hot and enjoyable. We woke up about 8:30 this morning and there was some making out and playing with the dog on the bed.

I went to the liquor store for energy drinks and water. The liquor store was out of bottled water though. Shame. So I went back and we played WOW until about 12 or so. Then The Guy ordered spicy chicken sandwiches from Charo Chicken. The Guy absolutely drownded his chicken in guacamole and it looked so disgusting. About this time The Guy finally hit level 70 in WOW. Level 70 is the highest you can be. The Guy has about 10 other characters, but one that he has focused on hitting 70. The others are level 30 or 40.

I still cannot get into the game. I think The Guy is realizing that, which is funny. I mean I see how some people love it, but I don't and am apathetic toward it. I play it, I enjoy playing with The Guy, but you won't catch me playing it at home on my own because I don't find it fun. I find it fun playing with The Guy because he helps me along in the game, makes fun of me for my misfortunes in the game (like dying), and I enjoy his company. I'm not a computer game person to begin with. Need For Speed... love that... have all the NFS games and will play them occasionally when I want to relax, but I'm not an addict. I am one of those obsessive compulsive people who always have to be doing something, cleaning, working, being active, worrying about others, worrying about things, and so it is hard for me to sit down and play an actual game. I will do it, I like doing it, but it is a treat I guess and it is not like something I do all the time. I may play NFS once a month or so.

Anyways, about this time I ask the guy if he has any Tylenol since I'm getting a headache. I also go out to the car to get my allergy medicine. I sit on the couch for about an hour I'd guess and The Guy was constantly asking how I was and if I was ok, which was nice. I got back on the computer about 3 and we played and The Guy helped me out because I needed all the help I could get. The Guy's mom also called during this time- she does the payroll at her husband's business (The Guy works for his parents) anyways their network crashed this morning and then this afternoon she couldn't get the payroll system to work or get online The Guy had to run his coworker who obviously was not the sharpest in the bunch through everything. I felt sorry for him and it sounded like this guy was not the smartest. I understood what The Guy was saying and had to put my hand on The Guy out of sympathy.

The Guy decided he wanted to get in the jacuzzi and so we go out there and talk about random stuff. After about 10 minutes, we go back in and I help The Guy move his speakers from the office to the bedroom and receivers from one room to another. We talk about random things in the process, which was nice. There is a friend The Guy is always talking about who I have never met because he always has stuff happening when I'm over there. Anyways, The Guy thinks his friend Luis craves attention and so is making up a big lie saying he has a degenerative muscular disease and will be within a wheelchair within 6 months and dead within a year... YET he is running marathons right now. One of The Guy's friends also knows Luis and thinks Luis is lying so that gave us something to talk about. I can't believe someone would say that, especially something so serious, but if someone were to tell me that I'm not sure I could be as trusting as I was before.

So here's what I watched this weekend: "Air Force One," "My Super Ex Girlfriend," "9 to 5," "Aquamarine," "Star Wars Episode 4," "Star Trek," "Little Miss Sunshine" (2nd time), and "Step Up," an episode of the show "Flight of the Conchords," and our trusty "Arrested Development." I watch sooooooooo much TV at The Guy's house. I am not a movie watcher, I just don't have the patience, especially when alone, so it's cool to get to watch them and hang with him.

A little aside: My dad was watching "9 to 5" on Saturday. I walked in at the ending of the movie into the living room when Dolly is singing her heart out in that song. My dad was going from the kitchen to the living room and I caught him dancing to that. That's something my dad would never do I thought in a million years, but I was wrong. He had his arms away from his sides swinging up to about his chest, throwing them up and down, strutting from side to side as he walked into living room back to the couch.

I left about 7p.m. since The Guy had some stuff to do around the house and I needed to do some things here at home. I'm so thankful I got to spend the weekend with him because it was like a vacation to get away from everything. Honestly, this was a bad weekend to start with because of family stuff- a really unexpected funeral on Saturday for a family friend we've known for 15 years. Then just all of the stuff going on with my grandma, mom, and aunt up north.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Weird thoughts...

My mom is up north visiting my grandma right now, so it is just my dad, sister and I at home. I mentioned Friday afternoon I might be going out that night. My dad said sure, go ahead because my dad says since I'm over 18 I can do whatever I want.

My dad however, gave me the look of suspicion and I'm almost sure he know something else is going on. I can handle that, I am getting to the point where I have no problem lying about going out as bad as that sounds, BUT the look my dad gave me and the skepticism he showed bothered me. Oh well. I think he knows and I'm ok, because I know he won't say anything to my mom.

But then my wandering mind got the best of me and I got this feeling that my dad knows I'm out having sex. Haha. Only I would think of something like that. I was just thinking though, does my dad know that I'm having sex with a guy, does he know what I have done, does he know how far I've gone, what does he know? I would never ask my dad what he knows. I kind of expect him to say something if I were to ever come out; or he would do tell me randomly like when he told me he found porn on my computer a few years back.

But I was just thinking how awkward that is to think that my dad knows that I'm having sex. EEEEW. Guess that comes with living at home. But I mean if he did know, it is not like I'd tell him hey, I'm going to have sex. I mean I guess it is to be expected sneaking around, living at home, to feel that paranoia over your shoulder, but that just weirds me out... I mean I guess I consider sex an adult thing and I feel young living at home and with my parents. This on top of that fact that I feel weird knowing that I am having sex. I wonder if I were say 2, 3, 5, or even 10 years older and not married (like I'm planning... I have told my dad at least, I don't plan on marrying until I'm 30) would I still get that feeling and wonder if my parents were wondering if I were having sex and if it would still bother me. I think so and I think my parents would know I was having sex by then. I mean can a person really wait 25, 30 years? Not that it matters whether or not my parents know, but the thought is strange. I know these questions are insignificant and should have nothing to do with my relationship with my parents, but this is something that goes through Mike's mind.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Shame, splitting, and other thoughts from The Velvet Rage

This post probably won't be as great as my last post on fathers, but I wanted to get some more ideas out from that book The Velvet Rage.

People avoid shame through improving other areas of their lives. and focusing on academis or jobs. In the book, Josh sought out academic and business success to avoid shame that he felt for failed relationships, depression, and lonliness. This shame eventually just builds up and ends up being very debilitating.

I can see how in my life I have done this and it is so easy to do. This past year at school I started out in fall quarter lonely because most of my friends are at other colleges and stuff like that. I have tried so hard to meet people at my college, but have never made friends I could hang out with outside of the class because it is a commuter school, etc. etc.. That, compounded with other things had built up a lot of rage in me. I found pride in getting the good grades and doing my job at work and that was my sole focus. I remember feeling real lonely, kind of depressed like Josh in the book was, and was searching more online about this time for guys etc in my area. This is about the time I started finding blogs like I Think I May Be Gay and Daninokc where I found people who were in the same situation at me, which helped to see I wasn't alone. Sexuality was finally an issue I wanted to tackle in my life, so I see this is where I started channeling my interests into different things- not just school, work, but also guys, religion, and stuff like that. I see I wanted more to explore and target the sexuality issue in my life. I wanted to meet people and I see that I did try to. I did try craigslist and met a guy at my college, but that didn't work out. I started going back to church after a long while. I remember and I concentrated solely on school because I had nothing better to do, but thankfully I was able to see that emptiness and where it lies- not having more guys to hang around with etc. etc.. So I see that I've been able to at least start tackling that rage and channeling my energies into other things, so I'm proud of that, and honestly I feel like a better person in so many ways.

Other tidbits I'm going to reflect on from the book:

--- I'm defensive when sexuality is mentioned around me and I tend to defend my straightness around people. (p 45)

--- I am glad I'm not out having anonymous sex with guys (p 51), which the book says they do to avoid shame. I on the other hand could never do that, without not at least knowing the guy before hand, something about them, partly because I feel I need a great emotional connection with a person.

The big part of the book that hit home was the topic of splitting. Living 2 different lives and faking an entire segment of our lives "for the benefit of getting along in life" (p 47). That hurt.

I have FAKED my life with my parents for the past 4-5 months with The Guy and my whereabouts. I do feel guilty about it, which so many the author says so many don't. I do it because I see now is not the time to come out, but honestly I can't blame those who do live two lives because of family, religion, work, and so many other reasons. It makes me sad the labels and everything that sexuality places on people. I am now at a point where I am comfortable doing this splitting as much as I don't like to because I see this is the only way I can get out of the house. My parents are a lot more comfortable with me going out of the house now at such random hours, but it hurts to be lying, it hurts to be faking, it hurts to be splitting.

The author says that splitting often lingers "after you've left the first stage (of being overwhelmed by shame). If your coworkers don't know you're gay, you won't risk being treated like you're part of the 'out group.' If your parents are never allowed to visit your one bedroom apartment, they might not find out that your boyfriend is living with you. While splitting allows us to avoid shame, it also undermines our relationships. We are never what we appear to be, and over time, others begin to sense this. Trust arodes from our friendships with lovers, friends, and family" (p 48).

OUCH!!! Reading that paragraph made me so uneasy. So splitting is done tto avoid shame, which made me upset because I've done it, but it is all to easy to do. I have read tons of stories online about guys who are interested in guys and have that secret side of them their wives don't know about. I am ashamed that sexuality is so defining and that it is such a big issue in things like religion, family, and stuff like that. I hate that, there are so many great people who are gay/lesbian. Unfortunately I'm not willing to come out and so I'm leading a life in shame.

I also had to defend splitting. It seems alright and though I may be living in shame and everything, fine. I mean for me I grew up in a Christian household and everything, knowing how my mom would not be ok with the stuff I have done/me liking guys. Anyways, I was thinking more and more about how long I will continue to split my lives. I was thinking about how I have a hard time getting it in my head that I would date a guy. I am hapy having people to hang around with and stuff like that. While I haven't had much experience with girls... obviously I'vehad more experience with guys thusfar, I was thinking about the hard time I have with the thought of me dating a guy. It goes against a lot about what I was taught. I was thinking and wondering what is it that I want in a guy vs. what would I want in a girl... just sorting through thoughts. I was thinking in a guy I like the physical contact, I like having a guy I can talk about guy stuff with, I like the hanging out and doing guy things, kind of like what I have going on with The Guy. But would I be able to grasp the whole having a boyfriend thing? In a girl I like having someone I can talk to/get advice from, someone to go places with, but the list sort of seemed to stop there. Already, what I have done with The Guy has been better than with the 2 previous girls and I feel more of an interest from him, even though I remain friends with the 2 ex's, I think that we were so focused on maintaining our friendship and whatnot that we didn't let things just happen etc etc. I haven't crossed girls off my list, I find a lot of women hot, but I guess at this point in my life I really want to explore guys. I can't help but think how already I've felt completely different with The Guy than with any girl I've been in a relat. with.

I was thinking how hard it would be for me to ask a guy out on a date because so many guys are just into sex, it would be hard to find a guy that has the same interests as me. It seems like there are some things it is easier to tell a girl than a man. I was thinking how even though The Guy is great, he is a great guy, great friend, whatnot, I want to meet more people. Not friends with benefits or anything, but I'm saying friends, guy friends to hang out with. I would love to have some guys IN MY CITY, my age to hang out with on a somewhat regular basis. No, I'm not getting tired of The Guy or anything, but it would be cool to have more guys to hang out with, perhaps closeted guys, stuff like that to talk about things like religion, thoughts of coming out, random stuff like that, or even just straight guy friends to hang out with. There really doesn't seem to be any closeted guys in my area.

Anyways, I began thinking about living at home and how it kind of sucks. I just have to get through the next 12 months or so with the house addition/remodel deal and then I was thinking how I'll have my own apt. deal and can invite ppl over as I want and please, so it will make things easier to meet people probably, or at least have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Then that got me thinking also- if I were to come out and whatnot, would I really be happier and would I just be avoiding shame by having my own place and having people over. Lately I'm thinking more and more I'll just kind of let my parents discover I'm having guys over and they can make their own conclusions, which to me seems easier... whether it'll play out like that, who knows. But I was wondering if being closeted is the reason for lonliness or what. I am a lot happier and less lonely now that I have met The Guy, but I was thinking how maybe having my own apt. I'd be pursuing guys constantly and perhaps still be building shame inside because I've not chose to settle down or have a serious relationship. I don't know, that did cross my mind. I am sure that I'll be a lot happier because it will be easier to have people over like guys and my parents won't be able to say no, but I guess I just don't want to get caught up and keep meeting random guys and whatnot, but need to focus on meaningful relationships and stuff. I don't know... I guess for right now and for me to come out is not what I want, so i will continue splitting my life.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Mom's cut the strings... anyone up for a trip?

My mom asked me on Tuesday afternoon why I hadn't gone out yet after I had been home maybe 18 hours. It was funny, she said she was so used to having me go out somewhere and not coming back for 6-7 hours that she thought I needed out of the ehouse. I said nope, I wasn't going out, but asked if that was a problem. She said "no, it is kind of nice having you home, but I'm glad that you get to go out and have fun." Oh, if only she knew half of it.

Then my mom later asked if I had any plans upcoming she should know about. She asked if I was flying across country, perhaps a Labor Day trip with friends. So... Labor Day weekend I have been given permission to go somewhere like she's expecting it... a plane trip at that... I want to go somewhere... unfortunately I don't have anyone to go with. WOW... my mom has really grown... she is suddenly so much less clingy and it is like she is trying to get rid of me...heh. I think she is realizing I am able to grow up and handle myself. YAY ME. She said that she basically wants me to be able to travel, explore, meet new people, make new friends, be happy and she sees how well I handled this last trip and how much fun I had. My mom said she doesn't see why I don't go on a trip with friends somewhere for Labor Day. I asked what that meant, where I could go. I asked if that meant my friend who I just went to see in Mississippi and I could go to New York or what. She said sure as long as we stay in a safe place in NYC. She said I can drive or fly up to see my grandma and maybe a friend would want to go. I could go to Oklahoma and see my family out there. She said I could go to Washington DC or back to Newport News Virginia to see family. She said for me to try and contact my friends and maybe book a hotel at the beach or something or whatever I want. I shall try that...

Since we were on the topic of trips I asked if that meant I could go to Vegas for my 21st and she said as long as there is no drinking...haha... WOOT. Would I ever drink? Nope... no... didn't think so...

Since we're on the topic of flying here is a pic I took flying over Mississippi with my friend:

Destressing from Mississippi

The Guy called me yesterday morning saying we need to hang out because I needed to destress from my trip to Mississippi. I said after my job interview over near his house at 2p.m.

I had a job interview to be a substitute teacher. They only asked 3 questions and it went well. The lady who interviewed me asked 3 questions, seemed impressed, then said we'll go to the back and then can handle the next step of the substitute process, so basically I was hired. I have to fill out tons of paperwork between now and the 21st of August, get fingerprinted, all that good stuff.

Got out of the interview and got some bottled water for The Guy. When I got to his place we talked about random stuff and he decided he was going to go buy a new MacBook Pro laptop. He had a $500 discount. So we go to Victoria Gardens to the Apple Store. It was packed there, but we got in and out in no time. Then we went to Vitamin World and The Guy bought water pills, which was funny. Then we went to Corner Bakery and ordered what turned out to be a really underwhelming roast beef sandwich. The car ride to and from was very fun... The Guy was on a role yelling and getting upset at just about every car we passed, making fun of everything, it was quite fun.

The Guy's new friend Joe from Florida came over. He just moved here last week and The Guy met him online years ago. He is about 23 I'm guessing. He is going to school to be a vet. We talked about random stuff like animals, then Warcraft. We played Warcraft for a while on the couch, all 3 of us sitting next to each other. Joe left at 8 to go to the airport to pick up his mom.

About 9p.m. The Guy and I were ready for a 2nd dinner since the sandwiches were so underwhelming. The Guy took his dog for a walk and I went over to Bakers Square to pick up some burgers. Went back to his place and we ate. The Guy helped me with WOW, then we just cuddled on the couch for a while.

About 11:40 we were both getting tired and The Guy said we should go to his bedroom and talk. We laid on the bed. I laid up closely behind him holding him. We mainly talked about Warcraft and stuff like that. It felt good holding him like that. It is always easier for me to hold him since I'm much taller. He is 5'7'' and I am 6'2''.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Velvet Rage on dads and war

On the way back from OKC I read the book Velvet Rage, which Creative Thinker recommended in his blog.

Creative Thinker does a great job breaking down each section of the book and setting it up, but I wanted to elaborate on the parts that struck me. I thought it was a good book, but not everything applied to me because I'm still not out. It did help me see that I am happy for the mostpart in my life because I have managed to avoid a lot of the destruction/esteem issues that the book talks about which gay men face, but see how if I were to pursue guys could avoid a lot of destruction gay men face.

It hurt me to see how my dad and I have had such a hard time relating to each other. We act so different, have such different ideas, have different personalities, senses of humor, and he's more reserved than me. He is very stoic, not one to open up about anything, whereas as you can see here in this blog, I'm very open about everything in my life and I love to chat about everything. I can see in the past year I am one who will stand up for my beliefs and take a stand, whereas my dad will do other things when he gets upset and tends to write a letter to the person, I am getting to the point where I have no problem saying why I'm upset and taking a stand. I'm much more talkative than my dad. I think I show a fun/loving side that I never saw from my dad, which I think is partly because I don't want to be like my dad who doesn't show emotion, who doesn't show all the concern I do.

Last year my dad went to his first army reunion with the men he was in Vietnam with. He reconnected with them after 37 years. My dad was not the emotional type and he never opened up about anything. My mom always said my dad had a hard time and that it was always a "Vietnam sickness." My mom blamed my dad about that for communication issues he has, how he doesn't necessarily tell everyone everything going on in his life, how he doesn't seem so connected to people, how he keeps his distance, how he won't face the problem head on, and for how he builds up his anger that bothers everyone in the family. I could use many painful examples from my life where this is true and how it could be that I'm not close to my dad because of this. I realize that I don't have any of those qualities... I'll tackle the problem head on, I like to be connected to people, and whatnot.

I began to realize in the past year that a lot about my dad also relates to emotions. In Vietnam my dad was forced to suppress a lot of emotions. By going to the reunion and through e-mail with my dad's Vietnam buddies he has became a different person. I did see my dad break down and cry at the reunion when the men were talking once. I heard the stories of war. My dad on the way back said that he has been healed and he has been able to deal with a lot of issues that have plagued him for so long. I saw a new side of my dad. When my dad returned home I saw an attitude change where he treated my mom a whole lot better and he opened up and was more sentimental. There wasn't abuse or anything going on in the family priort to my dad going to his reunion, but if my mom said something, after the reunion he was more sentimental, he seemed like he cared, he offered advice. Before it was just yeah, honey I hear you, a disconnect. My dad even opened up more about his life. I have learned a lot about his years growing up, some stories from Vietnam, just a whole new side of him - - a more emotional side.

I am not close to my dad, don't think I will ever be, but I have seen a changed man in the past year and I credit a lot of this to being able to confront problems he faced in Vietnam and come to grips with emotions thanks to meeting these men again. My dad has opened up more, my dad has been more like a father figure in that when I do have a problem I can tell him something and get feedback. I'm thankful for this, but to have that confirmed in the book was so nice. It said, "to start with our fathers were raised, as we were, to be tough, stable, and emotionally detached. On top of that, many of them were veterans of wars that forced them at a young age to suppress their emotions and to commit unspeakable acts against humanity in the name of patriotism. In sum, many of our fathers grew up in a culture that offered them power in exchange for stoicism and buried emotion" (p 14).

I was thinking on the plane had the internet been as popular and there 15 years ago, if everyone was online, my dad could have connected with his old buddies, began the healing process, opened up more, and maybe I would have a different relationship with him. Maybe he would have showed more of an interest in me (I'm not saying he didn't when I was young because I know he did and he did love me and showed his interest in me, just not in the ways I gues I wanted or been there in ways I had expected), but that maybe he would have been there in more ways and taken a more active role in parenting. My mom was the parent who was the main one involved in raising- she punished us kids when we were little, she checked our homework, all of that. My dad was the one who cooked dinner, would read bedtime stories to my sister and I, and would tickle us endlessly when my sister and I ganged up on him when we were kids. My dad is not a bad man, no, I'm not trying to defend him. He is a great teacher, smart guy, but he does have flaws. I do see how he is a great guy and how he was a good dad, but my focus of this post is how he was not the emotional type and the type of dad I was longing for to shower and hug me, and how I saw through reading this book he has changed in the past year, but also how Vietnam probably had an effect on him.

We got along for the mostpart, but we have not had a great relationship. We have had many fights over the years that have not been pretty. We yell at each other. I admit I used to go out of my way to tick him off and make him mad. I know what I did was wrong and I am willing to acknowledge it, but I can see how a lot of it was out of rage, rage for him not being the caring guy, not being there. I remember a lot of the fights we had was because how he wasn't interested in my mom, how I was worried about divorce, so I would in return treating him badly. I think my parents marriage in the past year has really improved and they have been married over 30 years. Now, my dad and I fight over things like his lack of organization, then the last big fight was about my sister's lack of responsibility, so I see how I have changed also and am picking battles I see as important.

I am not trying to get anyone to take pity on me here, far from that, I'm just sharing thoughts that came into my head while reading the book and telling about a few little events in my chioldhood. What has happened has happened, I can accept that, and have. I am content where I am today. I understand that there were many factors that went into the relationship we had and overall he was not a bad dad, just not the emotional type/showering type I guess I wanted. I know my dad is a good guy deep down. Anytime I need/still need money, he is there. That is one of the ways he shows love. Anytime I have a car problem, he is the one who will try to troubleshoot it. I am just seeing how things could have been different and the book opened my eyes to be able to reflect and see how he has changed in this past year after seeing his army buddies and swapping stories.

I can picture how things could have been different and how maybe he would have been more relatable if my dad had been able to deal with army experiences earlier. I could see that maybe my dad would have been there to teach me to play baseball and encourage me to join little league and all of that little boy stuff. My uncle from Rockford Illinois was the one who taught me to play baseball. I remember getting report cards and my dad would say "I'm proud of you" and leaving it at that. Just in the past year, even though now I'm college I see he acts totally different. He says stuff like "that's great, I know it is much tougher in college," then he'll usually ask about the tougher classes I take and where I went wrong. I see him more interested- whether this is a result of him opening up and being better able to show interest/happiness because he saw his Vietnam buddies I don't know, I can only guess this is a factor and it has only started in the past year, so I can think it may be that. He has shown a new concern I have never seen. I can see how in a year our relationship has got better, but also how it probably will never be great, and not the emotional relationship I crave.

It is sad that because of reasons like war, "most of us grew into our young adulthoods without having had a truly loving, honest, and safe relationship with a man" (p 14). We went to our mothers, I know I did because she "over-validated us to compensate for the betrayal she saw us suffer" (p 15). Maybe I would have felt more comfortable going to my dad to talk, rather than going to my mom. I am closer to my mom. When I got a report card she was excited, call the whole family, brag to friends, and the like. I like that validation, and validation is something everyone needs, so I see why/how my relationship with my mom has prospered. My dad and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things still, but I do see how and why this could have happened, and how things could have been different. I know my dad loved me, but I didn't get the love I feel and saw from my mother. My dad provided a different love. A mom's love I guess is more showering and praising, help, nurture her kids. Whereas with a dad you see he loves you by doing things for you, slipping you money when you need it, helping fix your car, but that is not what I wanted, needed from my dad, and I would argue so many of us needed another kind, more emotional, the same love from our fathers as our mothers gave us because what "you craved from him was love, affection, and tenderness. As we have seen, what most of us received from our fathers was far less" (p124).

I just can't help but wonder how my dad and my relationship could have been different if he could have tackled these emotions earlier from Vietnam, would he provided that loving, emotional attention I so desperately wanted from him? Would him and I have had all those fights we did years back? What would have been different? Would I be a different person today because of that?

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

My stopover in Oklahoma

DaninOKC beat me to it, but I was tired last night after being up since 4:00a.m. central time (2:00a.m. Cali time). I got home, unpacked, called it a night at 10:20 or so Cali time.

A big shoutout and thanks to Dan for coming to the airport, driving, and taking me to lunch at Zios Italian Restaurant.

Had a stopover on my flight from Mississippi in Oklahoma, which allowed me to meet up with fellow blogger DaninOKC. It was a neat experience to meet someone who I've met/talked with through im and blogging, but also a closeted guy, Christian guy, etc. I was comfortable with meeting him and instead of feeling butterflies which I might feel from meeting someone online, I felt the whole anxious/excited thing going on instead since it was like we had known each other before meeting. But it was pretty cool that even though this was the first time we met, we knew about each other through our blogs, which gave us stuff to talk about.

So what are my thoughts on Dan since I'm sure that's what everyone wants to know as I know a lot of us read his blogs? Hot guy for one, with a great smile. He has a really cute smile and when he smiles his blue eyes light up, which was priceless. He had tons of energy, which made him fun, he definitely seems like he'd be a cool guy to hang out with if I were closer to OKC. Did he have a southern twang/accent? Nope... not so much. I was kind of wondering because he is from Oklahoma and everything, but no. I'm sure he could come to a place like California and in no time would fit in. He had some real cool new shoes also.

It was cool to get to sit and talk about things we've blogged about like Dan's roommate, telling Dan about The Guy, then other random things like my sister. We didn't have a ton of time since I was waiting for a call from my cousin who was stuck at work and trying to get to the airport to give me some family stuff. I only wish we had more time to sit and talk about stuff like our faith, the whole gay thing, family thing, and everything else.

I got back to the airport and met my cousin. She was just getting there as I was. We only had time to talk as I checked in my bags because the line for security was LONG. I told my cousin I thought it would take 30 minutes to get through. So we go check my bags in get to the ticket counter. There are fliers saying "no fireworks allowed in suitcase," etc. etc. My cousin said the flier could say worse things, but also that is stupid to bring fireworks. She said that is comparable to bringing a leaf blower onto a plane because it is something you don't need. Then she asked me if I have a leaf blower in my suitcase. I said nope, nothing like that, just clothes.That made the guy suspicious at the ticket counter apparently though.

So we walk over and say goodbye to each other and I get in line for the security screening. I get up to putting my stuff in the gray bins to go through security when TSA pulls me aside and asks me to go with them. My heart was racing by then. WHY ME? I get pulled into a room and they ask me what I have in my suitcase. Not wanting to lie and screw up I said in the small suitcase I have clothes and in the big one it is family mementos. They ask if I was sure. I said yes. I was really getting worried and so they bring my suitcases over and ask if its ok for them to open them. Of course I say, they're TSA and I'm not going to fight. 3 guys look through my suitcases and ask if there are firearms, fireworks, or leaf blowers in there. I said NO. They said that was fine and they didn't see anything. They took my suitcases, then they let me get back in the security line at the back of the line. I was about 1/2 way through it when they got me. It is 3:10 at this time. My flight leaves at 3:20. My heart is pounding because I'm thinking I'm going to miss my flight, my cousin is on her way back to work, TSA just stopped me, and in the back of my mind I'm getting worried because I am wondering if they're going to put me on some flight watch list or not.

I hear them announce my flight is departing and that they're waiting for 5 passengers and they say the names. Not me, I wasn't worried. 2-3 minutes later I hear my first name, they massacre my last name (which you really have to try to massacre my last name... I can understand my first name being massacred, but my last name... you have got to be kidding) and hear my flight number. I flag someone from TSA down and say I HAVE TO GO- my flight is leaving. The lady said to see if I could get cuts. I go through the line asking each person and they all say yes. I get up to the front and get through security quick as I can. I threw everything in my carryon including my shoes, so I'm running through the OKC airport shoeless, trying my hardest not to slip on the slippery tile, just because I'm trying to save time as it was 3:20. I get in front of the Sonic and guess who was clumsy enough to run into a sign? Me! I keep running and make it ALL the way to the other end of the airport. They already closed the plane door. I begged at first to please let me on and they finally said ok. They weren't going to, but I got a little upset and said I have got to go because this is the last flight back to Cali for the day. I got on the plane and had what seemed like 1000 people staring me down as I got on the plane. Thankfully my seat was in row 3 so I didn't have to walk to the back of the plane and see everyone giving me that look of displeasure. I put my carryons in the overhead bins, sit down, and finally put my shoes back on. Hey, nobody should be mad... we did make it back to Cali 20 minutes earlier than scheduled.