Sunday, June 29, 2008

Telling my best friend I have been with a gay guy is not enoughh

I told my friend I have done things with a good friend named The Guy tonight just because I'm tired of him telling me I'm straight as he did for nearly 2 hours the other night. I was frank and said we've given each other blowjobs, etc. I figured the shock factor might be better. He told me no, I'm straight, just try a blow job from a girl, and you'll like that just as much. I just happen to have a guy available, and it was wrong, and it is nasty. I said no, I find myself wanting more, and he told me that is wrong.

He asked why I was letting The Guy have so much influence over my thoughts. I said he wasn't and that I've been exploring my feelings lately. He told me that was nasty, how I need to hang out with new people. I told him no- I'm always there for my friends. Good friends are hard to come by. He told me all my friends are making me gay because I know so many gay guys, so to all of you, I want to say thanks.

He told me I liked the act of a blowjob and had it been from a girl, it would have been the same way. Me wanting it again is my want for sex- sex from a girl. He told me just because I liked the blowjob didn't make me gay.

I told him I am telling him all of this because I trust him, I want him to know, and I know he is there for me, and I don't want to lose that. He said he doesn't think most guys could handle this.

He told me there was no genetic basis for liking guys, though I brought in strong evidence there was like the Australian Twin Studies back in 2000. He told me that this was wrong. God didn't design us this way to like males, so that's wrong. God gave everyone freewill to do what they want and can deviate from his teachings. People choose to be gay because "I want to be gay, cause that's different and it brings more attention to myself, or I want to be straight cause I want to follow the crowd, and that's the way I was designed."

He told me the norm is heterosexuality and those who are homosexuals are wanting to step out of the norms. I asked if gays would go through all the ridicule and other problems and he didn't respond. He reverted to the whole freewill thing again

I told him I have thoughts like this for years and he said this:
"if not knowing your sexual preference is going to keep you from moving on with your life though, then figure it out
but like I said, this is really a minor issue
just have fun, live life
It's about makikng memories
puting joy into someones life
whether it be cracking jokes to make them laugh, or just to be ther for them as a loved one or friend"
---- I said "so it is ok to be gay and exploring my sexuality?"---- No response

He brought up so now that I have been with a guy, it shouldn't be based on what I like better- sex from a guy or girl. It should be how I see my future. "Can I imagine myself not wanting to experience anything with a female?"

I mentioned that is just societal norms and whatnot, he said marriage is between a man and woman and the marriage issue came into play. I don't take marriage seriously was his thing. We talked about what marriage was and we both want a lifelong partner we can share our accomplishments with, and our love grows stronger. He told me how communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Marriage is between GOD, and that is key. God doesn't want males marrying.

Oh well... with time... I was the most frank with him as ever... he might take time to accept... but we're making progress... I'm sure I'm going to take heat for this and how ill informed he is. Keep in mind he lives in Mississippi, has a real strict Christian upbringing... oh well... I'm going to call him tomorrow and thank him again.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Watch this movie

I saw this movie first advertised when I went to Tigerheat with all of the bloggers back in March I think it was. I searched for the movie on and it wasn't playing anywhere near me. I finally found it on last night and youtube this morning. I watched all 10 parts on youtube and I have to say it was really sweet.

It is called "Shelter" and you'll have to do click on the video and find all the different parts, but the clips from user "dermacide" seem to be the best on there.

Friendship Maintenance and Mike's Maintenance

I have been a wreck this week, especially emotionally. Without going into details as to why, I was very irrational and said a lot of things I didn't mean.

The first event happened Monday and after spending Tuesday afternoon with The Guy I felt better. Tuesday night I began feeling like I was a bother to The Guy. Part of that was me being upset over the event that happened Monday, which had nothing to to with The Guy. The Guy just didn't seem like he was happy having me around. I wrote an angry letter to him telling him how I felt about that and how I was uncomfortable with things the way they were. I get a call Wednesday morning at 7:15 from him because he didn't want to write a long letter back. He said that he understood my concerns and he has no problem giving me the answers I want.

Thursday morning there was a repeat of the event on Monday that had me upset and on edge. I chatted with The Guy Thursday morning after the event happened and he had some ideas to help calm me down and I did what I could to help that situation. I called my parents and they agreed The Guy had good advice and he was able to let me know about this because is dad had this done at their business. The Guy told me he had to go to the nutritionist, the housecleaners were coming Thursday night, and he was going to a class at the gym his trainer wanted him to go to.

Friday afternoon The Guy and I were chatting on IM. I mentioned to him that I was horny and he told me to go find someone on craigslist. I told him I didn't appreciate that comment because part of the reason I enjoy hanging out with him is because he is not a random guy, I trust him, so I don't feel guilty having sex with him because he is not a random guy. He apologized over IM, then called. I was not going to pick up the phone as to give him time to stew over the issue, but I relented and picked up the phone. He apologized and said he thought he could joke with me. I reminded him about why he called at 7:15 the other morning and asked him if he forgot. I said getting horny was a big feat, especially after all of the stress and anxiety from this week. He ended up talking to me and we both got off on the phone talking about what we like to do to each other in bed.

The Guy called me after we cummed and he cleaned up. He asked if I wanted to come over and I told him no. He questioned why and I explained I felt like a bother. He said he wanted to talk, so come over.

I drove over about 7p.m. and he was playing WOW. I just sat there calming down over the incident from Thursday because it was still fresh in my mind as I was dealing with all of the family ramifications that followed. I hid my eyes in my hand and began trying to calm down. The Guy noticed something was wrong and asked what was wrong. I told him all of the problems and he was shocked, and saw why I was so nervous, bitchy, and whatever else. We talked and he tried to reassure me. He told me I was going to stay at his house last night to actually get some sleep. I hadn't slept more than 4-5 hours in the past 2 days.

I asked him to hold me and I laid in his arms there on the couch. He told me a story about how a few years back someone painted his patio wall red and wrote "faggot" and "gays should leave," then left a handwritten note on his patio how horrified he was, how his dad stayed with him, and how he couldn't sleep for weeks, how he would sleep during the day and take cat naps, but like me couldn't sleep at night. We talked some more and I told him how my parents were dealing with the situation and how they were both as on edge as I was and getting as little sleep as I was. He completely understood. We go in bed and lay down. He is chatting with his friend Robbie who is also having a problem and texting him. He sends him a few texts, then falls asleep. I lay most of the night.

I think it is probably 10a.m., but is really only 6 or 7a.m. The Guy gets up to use the bathroom. He comes back and lays down. I'm surprised he didn't go to work, but didn't question him. About an hour later he gets up and says "oh shit, I overslept, I'm late for work." He asks if I'm going to stay or if I'm going to take off. I said I'm going to stay and get some sleep. He says ok. I slept for about 30 minutes after he left, took his dog for a walk around the park because he asked me to, then go back to his house and fall right asleep. About 11a.m. I hear the door open and The Guy's house alarm makes a buzz to let you know someone opened the door. I screamed and The Guy yelled "hello." I am really on edge and The Guy laughs at me for that.

He asks if he can have the afternoon alone and I said sure. The Guy goes to his refrigerator looking for food and asks if I had eaten. I said no. He asked when the last time was I had eaten. I told him Thursday night. I asked how he noticed and he told me I didn't even have a courtesy nibble when he was cooking his pork chop and potatoes as a snack last night. I laughed and said I wasn't hungry then. The Guy asks me what I want and I tell him nothing. He said he is going to fix me something. He asks what I want and I said nothing. He gets out mini wheats and pours them for me. I said no thanks. He asked if I wanted eggs, pasta, pork chops, or what. I said nothing, that I would eat when I get home. I pick up my laptop to leave and The Guy is blocking the entrance to the kitchen. I was using his name, telling him no, no, I wasn't hungry. I was laughing throughout this because I felt sleep deprived and The Guy pointed that out. I handle stressful situations by laughing sometimes. The Guy gave me some of that M13 juice as showed below in the smoothie recipe I posted, and he told me to drink that to get 150 calories in me. I laughed and told him no. He kept saying "drink your juice, Shelby," in reference to "Steel Magnolias." The Guy said he wasn't letting me leave until I ate. I said to not worry about me, I know you have things to do. He went on telling me how his priority was me and I'm one of his good friends and he is hurt because I'm hurting myself. He explained how I have practically no body fat and so all of my muscle that I have is being eaten away by my body because I'm hungry, and he knows I'm in a stressful situation, but that I have to eat anything regardless of how many calories or how fattening it is. He said he was taking me with him to CVS or the Farmer's Market.

We go to the Farmer's Market. On the way, The Guy is playing 20 questions asking me what I want- Yum Yum, Subway, Mexican, Quiznos, McDonalds, In-N-Out, and I just said no, I'm fine. I repeated "The Guy, I'm fine!" He said the next time I say I'm fine he's going to bitch slap me. He asked if I wanted some random thing and I said no, I'm fine. He stops the car and bitch slaps me. Yes. He called his friend Dan, whom he plays computer games with and The Guy told him what happened with me and he was sympathetic toward my situation and said The Guy was doing good by feeding me. At the Farmer's Market I said I could probably stomach string cheese, so we get that. The Guy gets teas, smoothie bases, and yogurt. We also get me chicken noodle soup. Coming back The Guy calls Dan and tells him how we're feeding me chicken noodle soup and then Dan talks about how he has had a hard time also, but how he is not letting his feelings get in the way from eating, and how he is not dwelling on the issue, which is what I was doing, and that was preventing me from eating.

The Guy fixes my soup and I stand at the breakfast nook while he watches me. I laugh and he tells me to come in the office and he'll play WOW while I eat. I finish eating and say I'm going to leave. The Guy says no I'm not because he can tell I'm still upset. I said I was fine. He said no. We went in the living room and watched 2 episodes of "Law and Order." I was wanting to leave and kept telling The Guy I would leave and I was fine. He said no. I am not leaving and he took my car keys from me. He said usually I enjoy hanging around him, but I told him I didn't want to. He asked why I needed to get home and told him there was no reason. He said I can just cool down there, plus he had to call Dan at 2:30p.m. to wake him up. I remind him at 2:30 to do that and he tells Dan that we have fed me. Dan was glad and told me how he is here for me if I want to chat. The Guy asked if my mom was home a couple times and that

The Guy tells me to sit down and we'll watch some "Arrested Development." I turn that on and we laugh and talk for a while. The Guy sees me hiding my head at the end of the 2 episodes. He stops playing and we talk. He asks why I'm still upset and rehashing this. The Guy told me I'm basically so sleep deprived that I'm not making sense, not listening to him, and said something about how it was like he was playing racquetball with my head. Who knows... I will admit I was so upset and worked up and mad and hurt that I was difficult. I apologized to The Guy for how difficult I've been this past week and he said I wasn't difficult and he knows why I'm having such a hard time, but how the worry is consuming me and that is bad. All of my reasons are justified, let me assure you; nonetheless he is right. We talk and I said the reason I was also upset was because I'm worried about losing The Guy. I talk to him about all of my problems because I can trust him, because he is a friend. I just feel like I'm asking for too much right now, and he tells me how he is actually upset that I feel this way toward him. He told me that I shouldn't think that at all. He thinks of our friendship as a 2 way street. I do stuff for him and he does stuff for me. He asks me to go places for him on my way over, I help him out that way; if it were feasible for him to come over, hang out at my place, and I asked him to do that stuff, he would do it in a heartbeat. He helps me out with problems like this and is here for me, and one day he will want me to be there like this for him like if his dog dies or something. He has a good life and he is glad I'm in it. He said I wasn't a bother at all. He works 3 days a week, he spends all day at home alone with his dog, he plays tennis with his parents, then they feed him breakfast afterward, he plays computer games all day, he is glad I'm in the picture and he doesn't want to lose me and doesn't want me to feel this way. I told him that with things that have occurred over the past few months in my life I was really worried about losing him and he assured me that is not going to happen. Him or I may find a boyfriend, but we will still be friends, and he will be there at 2a.m. for me, like I am for him. We hugged for a good minute or so and it felt good that we were both on the same page.

We watched 2 episodes of "Sex and the City" where we both laughed, talked, and smiled at each other. It was such a relief. Afterward, he said he was going to take a nap, we hugged, and I took off. Him and I have been chatting on AIM tonight and things are pretty much back to normal, minus the fact I'm still exhausted, and he is here for me.

The Guy's smoothies

One of my reader's, closeted asked about how to make The Guy's smoothies, so here is an example of one of his smoothies...

1. Begin with a base:

The Guy only uses juices that are healthy- good for aging, well-being, endurance, and are 100% juice. This is an example of one of the juices The Guy uses. The Guy uses the acai below because it is rich in antioxidants

You can add one of the above, or both...

2. Add berries- The Guy usually uses blueberries (1/2 cup or so), mixed berries (1/2 cup or so), and 1/2 cup or so of cherries

3. For calcium and because yogurt tastes good in anything The Guy adds goat milk yogurt, or plain nonfat yogurt.

4. Mix all of the ingredients in the blender.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Needed to get away for a few hours

I called The Guy about 11:15 to see how he was since I hadn't heard from him since Sunday when he wasn't feeling well. He seemed fine and we talked for a few minutes until he got a call from his mom and hung up. I texted him asking how he was and told him about my life the past couple days. I basically asked him if I could come over because I didn't want to be home because of some stuff that happened. He said sure, but he wanted some alone time this evening.

I made an attempt to go his place, got halfway there, then realized I didn't have my wallet and turned around to go back and get it. It seemed like I passed every cop on the way. I drove extra cautious, grabbed my wallet, and turned back around.

I get to The Guy's place and he is in the office playing that game from the other day- Neverending Night 2 or something. He was out in the village running around, but got fed up after about 30 minutes where he thought he was completing quests, but wasn't.

The Guy asks if I'm hungry and I said no. He made a chicken burger for himself. He made 2 patties, put cilantro dressing, cheese, about 3/4 a cup of spinach, on a foccacia roll. He ate and we watched "Law and Order." Afterward, he entered it in his food diary on the internet. He then reflected and said he would have been fine eating just 1 patty. He could only eat 600 more calories for the rest of the day. We talked and I told him how proud of him I am for going out of his way to be healthy. He added all of that spinach, the smoothies help get fruit in his diet, and so he is doing really well. I am not lying- he is doing a great job and he is eating very healthily. I congratulated him. We cruised around on the internet looking for stuff to buy. He pondered buying a computer for his friend Dan, whom he plays all of these MMORPG games with. His computer broke- The Guy bought him this computer and was thinking of buying him another one, but he decided $1,399 for a good computer was too much to spend.

We go in the kitchen and The Guy makes an acai smoothie. It isn't as sweet as usual, but still has that tart taste.

We go back in the office looking for things to buy and then start talking about cars. I'm going to be buying a car possibly in the next 4-5 days. I've been driving the car my parents gave me- no complaints there- it gets 20-27mpg and I can beat anyone who tries to race me. I would just like something newer, something not 10 years old, something that is in a little better condition- my car is in great condition because I've kept it in that, but there are some little problems that go with age like the leather on the driver's seat is going.

We looked at the Nissan Altima coupe and priced them out. The Guy was trying to come up with the most expensive model because we know how he shops and he goes for the car with the most features. His Altima coupe came out at $33,000. He asked why I didn't buy that. I showed him what I am looking that and what I'm considering. He tried to show me cars in a higher price bracket and then we discussed why I'm getting what I am. He asked if the car I'm looking at has a navigation system. Sadly it doesn't- it does have everything else I think. He said what I'm getting is a good choice for what I'm getting and the price I'm paying.

We go into the living room and watch "Law and Order." We watch 2 episodes, then about 6:30 The Guy says he needs to go to the gym for 30 minutes of cardio. I congratulate him on his decision. He says he's going for 30 minutes, then I said that's good, he said no more, no less. I said that's 18,000 seconds or something and he could do it. He laughed and said it was too mathematical. Then we hug and I thank him for letting me come over.

*** So I am actually encouraged to eat healthier since The Guy is. I need to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet. I eat pretty healthily, I think, but I want to use this food website The Guy is using to see what they say. I'm going to keep track of all my meals for a week. My most unhealthy meal is usually breakfast because it is always a fight with my stomach- I'll eat whatever I can stomach. My stomach is just so sour in the morning sometimes.

*** I have a new fitness goal to do at least 100 sit ups/crunches a day for everyday I don't go to the gym and work on my abs. So here's what I look like now, we'll see what I look like at the end of summer.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I kissed a girl

... only I didn't like it... I like guys...

Not that that was any surprise, but I've noticed on myspace lately everyone and their mother is saying on their bulletins they post "I kissed a girl" and in the body of the message wrote "comment on my pics" or "and I liked it and her name is Kirsty"

so maybe I should post a bulletin and say "I kissed a girl.... only I didn't... I like guys... who reads bulletins anyways?

I was chatting with my friend Jenn tonight, the one who I'm sure would be ok with me coming out, but her mom would find out. Anyways, we were chatting about this song and here's what was said...

Mike- i've had "i kissed a girl" stuck in my head all day
Jenn- oooo she, she who kissed the girl and liked it?
Mike- yes!
Jenn- BAD!
Jenn- BAD!
Mike- i kissed a girl and i liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick, the one who kissed a girl just to try it
Mike- well i've been singing it all night around the house, but I've changed the lyrics to suit me
Mike- I kissed a boy and I liked it, the taste of his rough lips
Mike- lol
Mike- yes
Mike- I am weird like I said earlier
Jenn- MIKE!- Do you need to tell me something?
Jenn- hehehehe
[Mike sits thinking, pondering if he should come out so suddenly, over IM"]
Mike- hahaha
Mike- noooooo
Mike- are you in doubt of my sexuality?
[Mike thinks crap, he went on the defensive yet again when it comes to sexuality- but coming out over IM is definitely wrong. Mike then thinks about what The Guy said when we were talking a few weeks back where he said that if someone were to ask me if I were gay or something to that effect, that I would admit it]
Mike- lol
Jenn- i'm just saying
Jenn- lol
Mike- apparently she has another song on youtube "you're so gay"
Jennifer- o goodness
Mike- "you're so gay and you don't even like boys"
Jenn- i don't
Jenn- and i'm not
Jenn- wtf
Jenn- who does she think she is?
Mike- how about amy winehouse?
Jenn- eeeeeeeeeeeew

Then the conversation fizzled, but I was going to say something like "I'm sure you've had a lesbian tendency or urge before, I've certainly had a couple experiences with boys," but again, over IM is tooooo impersonal. Or I was thinking of the whole segue that her lyrics for your so gay aren't applicable to me because "I'm so gay and I do like boys."

As I was searching youtube later I found tons of variations- "I kissed a squirrel, dog, cat, horse, and so on," and had to share with Jenn
Jenn then asks, "so you have kissed a dog? a squirrel? a boy? a horse? a cat?"
I say I think I'm guilty on at least some of those charges.
She lol'd to that

And after all of this, I had to search youtube to see if there were a "I kissed a boy and liked it" version. Indeed, there was, but I like my lyrics better, but here it is for you guys.

I'm thinking of calling Jenn tomorrow and confessing to the charges and so I don't have to keep lying. Ugh. I am ready for her to know, I just am worried.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

A day of hangout goes bad

The Guy im'd me about 9:30a.m. I was planning to go to the gym, but then got his message. We chatted about stuff like the heat and things like that. While talking to him we had a short brown out. He said I should come over. I said ok.

I get to his place about 10:30 and he is in the office. His dog is growling at me when I walk in the door and has his ball in his mouth. The Guy is in the office saying "hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi" and I keep saying hi in different voices. I walk in, put my arm around him, then sit down.

We sit and chit chat. We play around visiting myspace, macrumors, and tease a guy he used to date on myspace named John who lives a few miles away for being a myspace addict posting 1000 bulletins and sending everyone tons of messages. Then I ask him about the game he tried to install called Northwest Nights 2- another MMORPG designed specifically for Macs. He said he had it working on his laptop and we tried to play with me sitting playing on the laptop and him playing on the desktop. It did not work. We spent about 45 minutes where he could play, but I couldn't because it wouldn't accept the CD key. I downloaded the patch and update and that didn't work. The Guy was frustrated because he couldn't find a quest to go kill anything and so we both became very bored, very quickly.

The next thing to do was go to the farmers market. That was the game plan, but then The Guy said we could go get other stuff at Trader Joes since he had no reason to go to the Farmer's Market because he didn't need fruit for smoothies or juice for his smoothies. We get to Trader Joes and get tons of ready to eat vegetables, salads, lamb, some chicken burgers, yogurt, and milk. We go back to The Guy's place and put everything away. He cleans up doggy poo outside and hoses down the patio, then grills the pork loin we bought. We eat that and hummus for lunch. The Guy eats a salmon salad he bought at Trader Joes with an egg, salmon, lettuce, and tomatoes. The Guy enters all of the stuff he ate into his food guide to make sure he hasn't gone over his daily limit and can show his dietician.

Afterward, we end up back on myspace because The Guy doesn't want to play AOC. John, who we were on myspace with earlier calls The Guy. He says that the 3 of us should hang out. We go to pick John up. We have a hard time getting there because The Guy forgot where he lived. We stop at the liquor store to get drinks- Mike's Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ice. We go back and each have a drink and sit and watch "Dodgeball." The Guy decided we would do that after John and I were indecisive and couldn't make up our minds what to do- whether we should swim, play AOC, or watch TV. The Guy decided watch TV. The Guy asks if I'm feeling ok and says he feels terrible after about 30 minutes. He spends a while in the bathroom and then says he has to go lay down. We finish out the movie and I go to the bathroom, then go in to see The Guy who is in his bed curled up in the fetal position. I rub his arm and ask if he is ok. Then he asks if I can take John back to his place and that he thinks the tomato in the salad made him sick and he was worried because of the recent cases of salmonella in tomatoes. I texted him twice telling him to let me know how he is feeling and if he needs anything.

I took John back to his place and we didn't really chat in the car. I was the one making conversation. I asked him how he met The Guy, and basically he said they've been friends for a few years and it was nothing serious. He thanked me for taking him home and that was it.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


I was texting The Guy quite a bit Tuesday night and Wednesday because I was going to be at work over near his house, so I wanted to hang out since it was convenient for me. He said he couldn't Wednesday, but Thursday would work. I texted him at 1:10 and called him at 1:55. He works until 2 and I knew that. He doesn't get cell reception at work, but I wanted to confirm our plans and knew he'd cal me. He called and said he has to meet with a dietician at 4, but wants to hang.

I got to his place at 3 and he was in the office. He had just got home. We go into the kitchen because UPS knocked on the door and The Guy opened up the box. It was assorted nuts and peanuts. The Guy opened up some pecans with orange zest, black pepper, and cranberries on them. Sound disgusting? It did to me, but they were DELICIOUS. The Guy had about 10, 8oz. bags of them so he said I needed to take some home. He then said I needed to take some home for my mom and gave me another bag. We went in the bedroom and laid in bed napping for an hour because we needed to relax from our long days. We made fun of each other and I made fun of him for being lonely that his dog didn't want to nap up next to him. His dog laid at the foot of the bed and he kept calling him up. The Guy actually fell asleep and I woke him at 3:45 to go to the dietician. The Guy asked me if I was going to go and decided it was best I stay there at his place.

The Guy asked me to install a new MMORPG he bought while he was gone. I was thinking of texting him for his password for his computer so it could be installed, but didn't. He changed his computer password. Anyways, when he got back he was making fun of me for not and giving me a hard time for not texting him.

He was back in a short time. I surfed the blogs wile he was gone on my laptop and laid on the couch in the living room. When he got back we ate a rotisserie chicken he bought. It was huge and delicious. Then we sat next to each other on the couch detoxing, relaxing, releasing negative energy. We watched 3 episodes of "Law and Order" including one from 1994 when Lt. Van Buren shot a teen boy who tried to rob her. It was really sad and The Guy asked me if I was crying. He said he was about to and I was. HAHA. Who knew "Law and Order" was sappy?

Afterward, we talked about his Macbook Air and the beautiful screen it has. He changed the desktop picure to a flower and asked what I thought about it. I said it looked nice and he then made fun of me for not being sincere. I said there he goes again doubting and questioning me. He laughed.

We called it a night at 7p.m. because we were both tired.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Short visit= sex

I called The Guy at 2:40 today and he was just picking up his phone to call me he said. He asked if I wanted to come over. I said sure, but couldn't stay long because I had a graduation party to go. 5 relatives were graduating and we had a massive party for them.

I get to his place an hour later at 3:40. He opens the door for me, then we retreat the office to play Conan. He is playing with the new guy Kevin. He is making sex related jokes with Kevin and then he pulls down his pants and lets his dick hang out. I take the opportunity to suck on it. Then we go back and forth playing. I TEASE HIM this time about being horny and wanting him to suck me off and so I pull mine out and he sucks on it. Then I go down on him afterward and Kevin has no idea. The Guy and Kevin took a break about 5:10 for dinner and I told The Guy he could feast on my dick. He motioned me and we went to the bedroom door. He pushed it shut and we sucked and jacked each other off.

Afterward, we hung around while he made some pasta. He also ran the vacuum. He called Time Warner Cable because of some billing dispute and was on the phone with them when I left. We hugged as the phone rested on his arm and he was standing in the kitchen.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Margaritas + Tortillas = Disneyland

College grad cousin, her boyfriend, and lesbian cousin drug me along with them to Disneyland today. It was so packed there to the point it wasn't fun.

The highlight of my day though? College grad cousin.

When we got there, she said this:

"oh... hey... it's crowded here... and we're going to be waiting in lines all day... I know how to make the lines shorter... we need margaritas."

So right when we got there we rushed into California Adventure for our margaritas. Who knew they served margaritas at one of the refreshment stands? I didn't. It is over by the Tortilla factory thing and the sourdough bread place. We got our margaritas and each time enjoyed tortillas with them.

The 2 other times we were thirsty, what did we do? Yep, you guessed it we ran from Disneyland into the California Adventure for margaritas. They were strong margaritas at that. I had 2 lemon lime and 1 strawberry.

40 men

Taken from Creative Thinker... it was a fun idea!

1. Jesse McCartney

2. Jesse Metcalfe

3. David James Elliott

4. Chris Cagle
5. George Clooney
6. Kenny Chesney
7. Tim Mcgraw
8. Richie McDonald (former Lonestar lead singer)
9. James Denton

10. Dennis Quaid
11. Randy Barnes (porn star)
12. Nick Lachey
13. Ben Affleck
14. Matt Damon

News anchors:
15. Anderson Cooper
16. Drew Griffin (CNN)
17. Rick Dickert (meteorologist/traffic reporter KTTV Los Angeles)
18. Henry Dicarlo (KCBS morning news)

19. Frank Buckley (KTLA Morning News)
20. Robert Kovacik (KNBC Today in LA)

21. Ryan Seacrest
22. Matthew Perry
23. Joaquin Phoenix
24. Mario Lopez
25. Mike Vartan (Monster in Law)
26. Gary LeVox (Rascal Flatts)
27. Jay DeMarcus (Rascal Flatts)
28. Troy Gentry (Montgomery Gentry)

29. Michael Bublé
30. Michael Moloney (Extreme Makeover Home Edition)
31. John Krasinksi (Jim in The Office)

32. Jake Gyllenhaal
33. Jason Bateman (Arrested Development)
34. Michael Cera (Superbad, Arrested Development)
35. Gavin Rossdale
36. Cash Warren (Jessica Alba's hubby)

37. Joey McIntyre (New Kids on the Block)
38. Mark Consuelos (Kelly Ripa's hubby)
39. Doug Savant (Desperate Housewives)
40. Chris Evans (Fantastic 4)

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Lesbian cousins

My slutty 22 year old cousin had no problem airing and showing on her myspace with the help of pictures that she was a lesbian. She does have a 1 year old daughter. I told my parents just because I like to keep them abreast of family stuff and they weren't surprised since she was rebelling at the time she did all of this.

Then today I put 2 and 2 together with another cousin. In all of the family pictures my cousin is there with her "best friend" and that is what my aunt in Oklahoma called her. That, or "the gal she lives with who helps her out with the kids." My cousin was married once about 10 years ago and had 3 girls, but divorced a while back. Shame on me I know, but when I saw pictures of my cousin's best friend the first thing I'd always think "lesbian" because she fits the typical description of what society places on women who are lesbians- short hair, dresses like a man, etc. Anyways, I never thought much of it. Then today I put the pieces together after reading my cousin's blog. She said a year ago the love of her life took off after a difficult time and a year ago that lady was living with my cousin and took off. So while it hasn't been explicitly said, I am pretty sure it is true. Honestly, thinking a few weeks back I was thinking how it would be so easy and I'm sure my cousins in Oklahoma, whom I rarely see would be so accepting. My cousin seems so open about how she raises her kids- the number one thing seems to be respect- you respect other people and they'll respect you. She also just seems so loving regardless. I have hinted on my family blog (one I sat up just for her to read) about how I hate that I have to hide stuff from my parents and have left hints to show there is something going on with someone. She always has advice and says she knows how difficult things like that can be. I just wonder how much my aunt knows in Oklahoma about this... does she?... oh well... just thought that was interesting.

On another note, my other cousin, whom I am the closest with who lives in the next city over graduated from college today!!! YAY!!! I'm so proud of her! It took 3 hours though to graduate 300 students because the dang president of the university liked hearing his own voice. The first hour he rattled on about the faculty of her college and it was basically an advertisement for the college. PFTT... as much as I hate my college I have to say it is better. ha

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Teasing me

I am back! Thanks to reader closet for noticing my absence. I was without my Mac most of the week as it was being repaired. I had been borrowing The Guy's Macbook Pro to make it through finals week mainly to bring up word processing documents I needed. It was probably a good thing I had his computer instead of mine. It kept me off of things like AIM, Yahoo, xtube, myspace, facebook and other sites that distract me, so I had a lot more time to study for my finals.

The Guy and I talked on Thursday night about my computer problems with Apple. He was going to call Applecare for me, but it was too late and they had closed. He said come over Friday afternoon and we would handle it. I got a text about an hour after I called him on Thursday at 8p.m. telling me to come over then since we hadn't hung out all week. I texted him back and said it was a bit late- I have a final Friday morning, so let's do Friday afternoon. I get a text during my final yesterday morning and know it is him. He texted saying he was free after 4:00. Once I got out of the final I texted him back saying that I would be over at 4:30. He told me that was 30 minutes too late. I said I had to factor in traffic, which was a mess. It took me 25 minutes to get from the 60 freeway to the 10 freeway on the 15, for those of you who know that area usually it only takes 5-7 minutes.

I got to his place at 4:30, knocked, and he told me I was right on time. I complemented The Guy on his haircut. He shaved his head. He has the most awesome dark, dark brown/black hair and it was all gone. I've seen him with his head shaved before, but this was a shock. He told me he was feeling fat and having a shaved head makes him see his fat face, so he'll be more inclined to work it off. I told him he was still cute in my book. We hugged and then I gave him back his computer. We went into the office where he was playing Conan. We got caught up in each other's lives. His parents gave him the week off from work. His personal trainer feels as if his girlfriend isn't putting enough into the relationship. The Guy avoided telling him that the real thing was he was gay and he was using his girlfriends distance as an excuse to say that he is really wanting to try guys out. He was looking for faults in his girlfriend.

I sat watching him play Conan then logged on when The Guy made room for me to sit with my laptop there at the computer. I went from level 32 to level 33 after soloing on my own and turning in several quests. B, an 18 year old guy who just discovered WOW right before we stopped playing and wants to start playing Conan logged on and chatted with The Guy and everyone else in the guild. He doesn't have a good enough video card. The Guy said just send me your address and I'll send you a video card. The Guy bought him a top of the line $200 video card after spending a while deliberating, trying to figure out what type of card went in it.

We took a break about 7 to get dinner. The Guy had to change before he could go and he brushed his teeth, shaved his head again, we put the dog in the crate, then The Guy pulled down his shorts and asked if I liked his dick. I said yes and began sucking it. I did that for a few minutes and got down on my knees to suck. When I got up he pulled down my pants and sucked me for a few minutes. He said this was just a tease for later. Then we got in the car like nothing had happened and went to the Farmer's Market.

The Guy said he couldn't get cheese, chips, or anything unhealthy at the store. We avoided that. We got lots of vegetables, turkey, chicken, potatoes, and assorted berries for smoothies. We also got acai smoothie packs. I also found tofu steak, which looked really interesting, so we had to try it! The Guy stopped at Arco to get gas. We spent more time driving around looking for a gas pump and checking out hot guys than we did actually pumping gas. It took $70.00 exactly to fill The Guy's Accord at $4.47 a gallon.

We get back to his place and put the food away. I cook the turkey meat while The Guy does the dishes. Then The Guy finishes up the pasta sauce. It was good, as usual. The turkey gave it a little different taste than I'm used to, but the pasta was good. We used wheat pasta- healthy pasta noodles. We eat and watch "Law and Order." It was a suspensful episode.

After dinner we play Conan a little more and move from the office to the living room. The Guy brings me my computer and his as well so we can play in there. He said that I obviously wasn't going to get up myself. We put our computers up and then The Guy comes up to me and pulls me over to him on the couch. I lay down with my mouth about where his dick is. I suck him off for a while. Then he says to get some lube and a condom. He then fucks me on the couch. First I sit on his dick where I'm facing him, then away from him, then he pushes me over and fucks me. I thought that was pretty hot to be doing it in his living room since we've never done that much in there before. Thank goodness the windows were closed- although if someone were peeking in at the glass in the living room door they could see what was going on. Nobody did. The Guy said that we weren't going to cum- we were just teasing each other getting each other worked up.

The Guy and I lay back down to watch "Law and Order." He asks me if I'm going to stay the night and I say yes, if he doesn't mind. I was so tired and probably wouldn't have made it home. He said he minds- psyche. Then he emphasized because he said psyche it means he doesn't mind. We go to bed about midnight and the dog lays in between us, so I was unable to initiate any action and pick up where we left off.

We wake up at 6a.m. and I'm still exhausted. The Guy takes his dog out for a 10 minute bike ride and then comes back. During this time I call my sister's cell phone and leave a message saying it is about midnight, I'm tired, and am going to spend the night. I should have called last night, but didn't know I was going to stay until midnight when my parents were probably asleep. I just played it like it was midnight and was calling my sister's cell to at least put the ball in my favor and so they couldn't say I didn't call.

We get online about 6:30 and play more Conan. We play with his friend Dan and some Australian guy named Brad that The Guy knows. We do a real hard instance. Hard in that I was level 32 and everyone else was 38 or so. It lasts for 3 hours or so. We then take a break. The Guy and I get food. We warm up the pasta from last night. We tease each other about random stuff and I make fun of him for being so anal about me eating a Mike-sized portion. That's what we call it where I eat so little in comparison to The Guy.

It was a TBS movie weekend and we watched "Kate and Leopold" today and we both talked about what a bad movie that is- why would someone want to fall in love with spaghetti haired Meg Ryan? Why would she appeal to some guy from the 16th century? My mom posed the same question before... haha. Then we watched "Sleepless in Seattle," "Herbie the Love Bug" twice, and "RV" with Robin Williams.

Kevin is a new guy from Canada he met while playing this game who is gay. Kevin makes everything about sex and teased The Guy and I because I crashed at The Guy's place and slept in his bed. He deduced I slept in his bed. The Guy clarified no "uh-huh" happened and that the dog slept between us. Kevin and The Guy encourage me to start a new character and I do. I get 2 levels into it, then The Guy tells me to type "/camp" and then "hit quit." He wanted a break and he was using his internet crashing as an excuse. His internet did crash 2-3 times earlier in the morning when we were playing. Mike from Oregon calls and says he'd be by about 2p.m. The Guy and I decide to go outside for some sun. We go to the jacuzzi and somehow start talking about credit cards and how his parents pay for his and his brother's tuition on their Southwest credit card and then pay them off the following month, giving them thousands in frequent flier miles.

We go in and clean up the condo. I take the dishes out of the dishwasher, put them in, then start it. The Guy picks up all the trash and straightens out the bathroom, office, and his bedroom. The living room looked fine. We then settle down to play. The Guy decides our guild in the game needs a website, so he spent $200 and bought our guild a website. He spent some time designing it waiting for Mike to arrive. Mike walked in, said how upset he was at his roommate, then The Guy gave him his coffee maker and a video card. Mike asked if The Guy had memory for his computer that he could have. The Guy said no, but then went to his wallet in the kitchen and pulled out $100 for Mike to buy memory. Then Mike said $100 was too much and to give him less. The Guy pulled out 2 $20s, then said and here's another $20 to buy your roommate a drink to get her to calm down at the wedding. Mike was in town because he was going to a wedding. I finally met Mike in Oregon- his myspace picture is actually much cuter than he is in person. Maybe it is just because he was tired, not dressed up, and his hair wasn't done... maybe.

Kevin, The Guy, and I go back to playing. Kevin and The Guy help me do several lower level quests I hadn't done yet. I finally hit level 33. The Guy says they need to get me up to 35 because then I can go around with them without any problem. Kevin and The Guy help me do several quests in different areas.

The Guy and I get hungry about 5p.m. The Guy starts cutting up a potato, putting it in the frying pan, and then puts paprika on it. He gets the cajun flavored tofu steak out and says we'll have that. Then he gets the indian curry potatoes out and says we'll have that too. The Guy's plan is to mix everything together and then put an Indian Masala sauce on it. The Guy also made some rice to go with it. The Guy mixed everything together and it was really good. There was a bit much tofu. The tofu steak alone is not great. It was like biting into flan, not a steak, which was disappointing, but to be expected. The Guy wasn't a fan of the tofu, but said if he ate lots of it, it would make him skinny. It was only 90 calories. I laughed at The Guy several times while cooking and he responded with "what?" "what?" and I just said "oh, nothing," or "well, that's you" and other things. The Guy again teased me; this time about always wearing shoes in the house. My feet get so cold so easily. The Guy always goes shoeless and sockless. I asked him how he can do that without his feet getting cold. He claims his don't.

We go back to playing after dinner- Kevin, The Guy, and I. The Guy and I play together after Kevin leaves. I get up to level 35!!! It took a long time, but was worth it. YAY!!! I hit 35 about 10p.m. The Guy asked if I was ready to call it a night. I was. I was getting very tired. I didn't want to leave and The Guy was perfectly content having me there, but I figured I should come home and grace my parent's presence. They're out playing poker tonight with the realtor and his wife. Go figure. I could have stayed out later. HAHA. The Guy texted me as I was turning onto my street thanking me for the weekend. I texted him back and thanked him and said I always enjoy hanging out with him, even when he does tease me.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

To borrow his computer

I called The Guy at 9a.m. and he didn't pick up his phone. I figured that was a little unusual for a Sunday, so I would call him once again later and then if he didn't pick up, oh well that would be ok. I called at 2:30p.m. and The Guy told me he was in Garden Grove having breakfast with his parents and just got home. He said he texted me 30 minutes earlier and said to come over and bring snackys, but I didn't get the text.

He describes the snacks in detail, so I go to Longs. He wanted pretzels, chocolate, Goldfish crackers, and Monster energy drinks. I get his text when I'm in the middle of the store that he sent me about coming over. He called to ask where I was when I was in Longs. He asked if I was grabbing snacks. I said yes. I hung up and then texted him something to the effect of "shouldn't you feel guilty for asking me to do this...? ...or a lot guilty?" Almost instantly I get a call and The Guy is MAD. He asks why I said such a thing and how that sound inflammatory like what my sister said the other day. I apologized and said I had no idea. He asked if I was mad at him or wanted him to be mad. I said no, unless he gets some sort of pleasure out of that. Then I texted him back once we were off the phone and said, "dude, I'm sorry."

I get to The Guy's place and we check the snackys out. He gets up and gets some Goldfish crackers in a bowl. We sit down and my text "dude, I'm sorry" comes through. He asks if I was texting him right there at the end of the couch and I said no. He was laying down with his computer open and couldn't see.

I get his laptop out and get into Conan. We both run around. He is on his level 21 character and I'm still level 29. I hit level 30 while we were running around together. I was in the instances with The Guy and he wasn't getting much XP for killing lower level stuff because I was with him. He seemed to be annoyed and I said we could solo, but he said no. We trekked on and he got up to 23 and I hit level 30. That's the highest level I've got a character in ANY game. HAHA.

We took a break about 7:30 for dinner. The Guy was going to make us sandwiches, but he had nasty cheese, so he wanted me to go to the liquor store for Monterey Jack. The Guy paid me back for the stuff from Longs as well as money for the cheese. I drove over there and got the cheese, came back, and The Guy had rice in bowls with mixed vegetables. He was microwaving something which turned out to be Indian curry potatoes. He mixed all of that together and it turned out pretty good. I definitely got my daily serving of vegetables. We sit down to some "Law and Order" and eat.

The Guy and I then go play some Conan and I keep dying because of a guild group that just keeps attacking me because they can. The Guy plans to play all, or most of the night. I played until 9:45 when my mom called warning me to shower at a friend's house if I was at a friend's house. Our water mane broke. YIPEE... so I asked The Guy to use his shower.

I showered and his dog ran off with my boxers in the process. I was not happy and The Guy didn't believe me. We hugged after I was fully dressed and had found my boxers. THen we thanked each other and hugged, which was enjoyable because we hadn't hugged the past 2 times we hung out.

Thoughts on 2 radio stations

I love radio, and that is no secret. I do not listen to CDs in the car, or my iPod, even though I could do both.

I have been listening to KEARTH 101 in Los Angeles and KOLA 99.9 out here in the IE quite a bit lately.

It is no secret that KEARTH plays the same 200 songs over and over, therefore so many of the oldies are not played. They are branded as "oldies radio, KEARTH 101," but are making the shift to "classic hits," like KOLA, which includes 70s and 80s. Still, classics to me encompasses everything through, say, the 80s like the Eagles and The Police. KEARTH could do a 50-80s format, and if it was programmed well I think could be successful. Their ratings are improving and they're once again almost competitive with KOST. KOST still has much more of a variety with their adult contemporary format. You're much more likely to hear oldies on KOST though as of late, as I have noticed they're incorporating songs like "Stand By Me," "My Girl," Beach Boys and lots of Supremes. Stealing out on KRTH listeners? Perhaps. As of late you're much more likely to hear The Temptations on KOST as opposed to KEARTH.

My whole thing about this KEARTH post was to talk about how annoyed I was last night when I was driving home and I hear "Smooth" by Santana (from the 90s) AS WELL AS "Dreaming of You" by Selena on KRTH. KEARTH used to play an adult contemporary mix- my mom talks about how she listened to "Walk Like An Egyptian" by the Bangles and others on KEARTH when she used to work in LA in the 80s. KEARTH, you are now branded as AN OLDIES STATION. Sure you are expanding your playlist to include classic hits, but KOLA hasn't gone that far. I don't consider either of those songs you were playing to be classic hits. KEARTH, rather than dip into songs from the 90s, expand your playlist of songs from the 50s, 60s, and 70s.

Now KOLA especially is not coming out unscathed. We've been listening to KOLA in my family since 1990 or so when they played a GOOD variety of the 50s, 60s, and 70s. You used to hear Buddy Holly, Sam Cooke, and Elvis. Now if KOLA plays Elvis the only song they play is "Suspicious Minds," which I like, but the one song shows the repetitiveness of their playlist. KOLA, like KEARTH is shifting towards classic hits. KOLA has a lot more variety like Prince (I heard "Party Like It's 1999 on Friday), 1 Police song ("Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"), but you'll still hear some Beach Boys, Beatles, and occasionally Doo Wah Diddy from 1964. KOLA, you have a repetitive playlist also. Play more Police if that's what you're going to do- what about "Roxanne," "Walking on the Moon," or any number of other Police hits? KOLA could be well programmed and play a wide variety of stuff you don't hear often, but still they are choosing to play the mainstream songs everyone knows- "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic," but these artists didn't have just that hit song. Also KOLA, please lay off on "Hotel California," by the Eagles, "Hold The Line" by Toto, Janis Joplin, and Steeley Dan. KOLA, please play more Police, more Rick Springfield, perhaps the Bangles with "Manic Monday" or "Walk Like An Egyptian," maybe Belinda Carlisle, Boy George, Blondie, Bruce Springsteen, and how about including "Africa" by Toto?

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Got to talk it out

The Guy was probably tired of me last night after I've called him so much lately, but I had a problem. My sister was using the gay thing against me asking if I was going to go out with my "gay friends" last night. That took a lot not to kill her because it was an attack on my sexuality. I knew The Guy's advice would be to ignore it or come out, but I was furious and needed to come down. I asked him if I could come over to just get away because I knew otherwise I'd say something I didn't regret. The Guy said Louis was going to come hang out, but definitely come over. I did, though I had my reservations since I didn't want to intrude on whatever Louis and The Guy were doing.

On the way to The Guy's house I called my dad and said my sister was using my aunt's gay comment against me. It wasn't the case. She was using the text messages against me from the night before, but I couldn't tell about that, and if needed I could argue this all stems from my aunt's comment. I told my dad I am at my wits end and could move out, but also that she is attacking me, he needs to believe me and can't just ignore it. He said he'd handle it and let my mom know my sister was taunting me about untrue stuff.

Believe me guys, if I were out my sister would have heard about the whole text messaging situation already.

So I get to The Guy's place and Louis calls saying he was at work and fell in the pool, so he wasn't coming by. The Guy was on his bed talking to Louis and then he pulled me down and I sucked him off for a LONG time. Much longer than usual. We play around with each other, but don't get off. He said we might finish it later.

We play Conan and watch 2 NEW episodes of "Law and Order." We call it a night at 10p.m. because The Guy is so tired. His trainer Josh was over at his house until 2:30a.m. the night before.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Why texting is bad- I'M SOOO PISSED OFF

Let this be a lesson to you. Texting is evil. I always knew that, but have this to back it up.

Let the story begin...
I got a call from The Guy at 11:30a.m. while I was at my mom's work having lunch with her. I answer the phone and we talk and there is a chance we may hang out so I tell my mom we might. I also might have stayed to help Linda because Linda was needing help. My mom calls my sister to ask her to pick her up at work since my mom and I drove in together.

During this time I got a text from The Guy saying he wants to just hang out alone and I said that's ok. Then I texted him asking him if I can use his computer this weekend since I'm sending mine back to Apple. He said "sure."

I am in my mom's classroom after school, my sister is there. I am sitting, sprawled out at a table with my papers all over, my computer, and my cell phone. I'm feeling pretty settled in for a major paper writing session. I leave the table a couple times to go to the teachers lounge to use the bathroom and my cell phone vanishes within this time period. I didn't really notice it because I was not expecting it to be gone. I did notice it though, in the car on the drive home. My mom drove with my sister to Kaiser to get allergy shots.

I get to Kaiser and am sitting there with my parents talking about our days while we're getting allergy shots. My sister is there too, but she stays in the hallway, supposedly calling a friend. What was she doing?


She texted Gonzo, The Guy, Dharla Mike, and Steve. Gonzo called my dad and asked to speak to me. Gonzo has my dad's cell number because it is on our gym membership. She just asked if I was ok. I said yeah, asked her if she was ok also because she was the one who had 3 finals today. She laughed and said how considerate I was. Mike also called my dad- he got my dad's cell phone number from his dad since they're good friends. Mike wanted to know why I said "that" and I didn't know what "that" was. I still don't know what "that" was. I apologized and said that when he can tell me what "that" is I'd tell him what "that" problem is.

As we sit down to dinner my sister gives me back my cell phone telling me that she picked it up off the table because I left it. I quickly scroll through my phone to make sure everything is ok and if I missed anything. MISS? That was an understatement. I had 17 missed calls, almost a dozen of those were from The Guy. I panic. I immediately call The Guy. He hangs up on me or something the first time and I think that is weird. Then he calls right back. I pick up the phone and he asks if I was "flaming him, leaving him the most obscene text messages ever, and if someone stole my phone." I immediately put 2 and 2 together to realize my sister was sending out the text messages to my friends and saying things she shouldn't have. I tell him and then my heart sinks- LITERALLY SINKS and I begin to cry. What my sister said was so inappropriate and hit so close to home that I was so worried. She said something to the effect of "you're probably fucking other guys" to The Guy. To which he responded that I should come check it out and see that there are no other guys at his place. I am not sure about the following texts that ensued, but The Guy made me promise that it wasn't me. I said no. I was very panicked because my sister just said something that dealt with sex, my sexuality, and something to hurt myself and a friend. The texts went on and The Guy read them back to me. My sister told The Guy that he doesn't care for me, that he should get lost, that he doesn't do anything for me, and stuff to that effect. The Guy called nonstop trying to find out if he did something wrong or if I was having a breakdown or lashing out. I reassured him that I was not. I said that's totally plausible, especially with all of the stress and problems in my life now, but that no, I'm fine. He said that he tried to play it cool and calm and not say anything inflammatory that could hurt me because there were some erroneous spelling errors and other errors that made it not sound like me. I punctuate and capitalize in texts and I am guessing my sister didn't.

Through this conversation I tell The Guy I want to see the messages on my phone and that I need to check them, but I don't know what to say to my parents to get my sister in trouble. The fucking guys text could be laughed off, like look at how ludacris this statement is my sister came up with. Then I could show my parents how The Guy and I don't text about things like this- we're like "come hang out," "can I use your computer?" and "what's up?" The Guy said to just show them and then be like "do whatever." The more we talk about it though, my parents already know the details and were suspicious once 2 friends called my dad to speak to me. We talked and decided to just drop the issue. My sister is sick, she is looking for attention. She did it at the expense of my friends, which bothered me that she treated me and my friends soooo terribly. Then The Guy said as long as it is not me, he can forgive me and just know it was my sister. The Guy was so worried he hid the knives in his house, changed his alarm code, and locked the doors in case I were to show up.

Finally through more talking The Guy said just to play the offensive and tell my sister how sick and lame she was for doing that. I was thinking about how my sister would egg me on and she'd say something like "Mike, you like to f-guys," because she couldn't say the f-word in person, even though she did it freely in text; her Christian persona would be gone. I'd be worried because it is my sexuality she is talking about and I'm not out, so just rehash everything and tell her how she is low for doing that, how it wasn't even funny, how middle school that was, and stuff like that. I can easily do it. So now I'm just going to laugh it off. I wanted my sister punished though because she overstepped the line and hurt me, but also my friends. The Guy was very upset, he called Jeff to talk about it, and he lost his appetite. He said don't worry about it- just drop it- hide it and then if my sister brings anything up, laugh it off- don't give into her anyway because then she'll know she won.

Guess I will do that.

After talking for 45 minutes with The Guy we both felt much better about each other. I reassured him that I'm not one to text and I'd actually call him when I have an issue with something. I reminded him how I like him and I don't want to lose him. Then he said he'd do the same for me and should have known, and knew it wasn't me after a while.

My sister erased all of the texts in my phone, but I don't think anything I wrote was too incriminating that I had written since The Guy and I don't talk about sex or anything like that. The Guy will probably show me his texts when I'm over there next...

As for my sister, she is LUCKY that she is at some sort of banquet tonight and won't be home until at least 9p.m. when I'll be engrossed in a massive edit of my 10 page paper that is due tomorrow. As I talked to The Guy I realized and reiterated how over I am with my sister because she treats me (and my friends) poorly, yet expects to be treated like a princess. I want revenge, but am going to try my best to be calm. She just pushed too many buttons and boundaries- sexuality, hurting me and my friends with her words.

For the record- my parents know I have a good friend named The Guy. We talked about this on the phone. I told him I don't think my parents know much about him other than he's a good friend from school. I said I don't think my sister knows anything more than that because we have done nothing to incriminate ourselves. She was probably just pushing buttons, but she did so with someone who knows that deep dark secret of mine, someone who knows more than most about what is going on in my life. She chose the wrong person to say all those words too. Had she told Gonzo that, it would have been easier and I could have explained myself with no problem and felt much better, but that The Guy is gay, and I am gay, and my sister made that comment.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Few hours out

I needed a few hours to hang out with The Guy yesterday to just get my mind off of everything. I called him when I was in the area after I got off work and he didn't pick up his phone. I called him a few hours later about 3:30 and he said for me to come over.

I get over about 5:30 and he is playing Conan. We spend some time running around to find each other in the game, then once we do, we begin trying to kill level 30 yetis. I'm level 29 and he is 27. A guy we play with named Damien was 31. We thought we could take them on, but we kept dying, and dying, and dying. Finally we teamed up with a group who was level 37 and 39. We got through them with relative ease afterward. We were not getting any experience points for that (XP), so we were upset. We left the group and about that time, The Guy's internet crashed. He called Time Warner and then played around with his router and modem switching cords around.

We pondered about dinner. He asked what "I WAS GOING TO GO GET." I said well, I thought "we were going to go get." We weighed the pros and cons of each- eating out the kitchen stays clean, but eating in is healthier. Finally I said I'd do the dishes if he cooks. So he made a chicken pasta. The chicken was not good in the pasta. The marinara sauce The Guy used was good though. We sat down to an episode of "Law and Order" and ate. Afterward, both of our stomachs were upset. We decided to call it an early night about 9p.m. We hugged, thanked each other, and then I texted him on the way home since I forgot to tell him in person that I hoped he felt better.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Something composed

It has been a difficult weekend, perhaps because I worry too much about everything. Perhaps what is happening right now is too much stress. Whatever it is I am more and more worried I am on the verge of saying something I shouldn't. I spent over an hour on the phone with The Guy last night telling him all my feelings. We talked about it and he said coming out via a letter is perfectly ok, just keep it short and simple. So here it is. NO, I HAVEN'T COME OUT TO MY MOM YET, but at least I have something just in case.

The Guy looked over the letter and said it is great.

I know I'm being very vague about the reasoning for my possible need to come out, but I don't really want to go into all the details, but here is my letter:

Dear Mom,

It is not easy for me to sit down to write this letter for so many reasons; out of the fear of rejection, hate, and anger. It is something that I have known for years and have never told you. I have often felt that it would be easier if this were something I could just sweep under the rug and an issue that really doesn't matter. It does matter. Over the past few weeks it has become especially bad and is tearing me up inside because I am hiding this part of my life from you, and I feel it is distancing myself from you because I cannot be honest.

Mom, I am gay.

This probably comes as a shock. I'm sure you were unprepared to hear that. I understand. It is not easy for me to tell out of fear: fear of your reaction, fear that you would be hurt, fear that our relationship would change, and fear that you would be ashamed. Fear of hurting you has been the underlying reason I have not come out and told you this beforehand. The reason I am telling you this is that I love you and want to be honest with you.

You are probably feeling a great deal of hurt by now wondering what you did wrong and why I turned out the way I did. Mom, you have done nothing wrong always giving me your love and support, which is invaluable and who has shaped me into the person I am today. I am a son, a grandson, a brother, a friend, and a successful college student. I care so much for others and look at other people's interest before mine. I go out of my way to help others. I am tenacious and tackle tasks before someone says that they need to be done.

Mom, there is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, I would argue that being gay has made me a better person. It has made me seek out true friends who will accept me for who I really am. It has taught me tolerance, to not judge, and respect for others for their differences. It has taught me to be more caring and have more compassion for others.

You don't have to worry that I have changed because I am gay. I am still the same loving, caring, compassionate person I was yesterday, and have always been. Being gay does not change that.

My own acceptance of the fact that I am gay has been a long process and a difficult process. I expect you will feel the same in coming to terms with this. I have been laughed at, made fun of, and have been hurt by people, and a society that has not accepted this. It is difficult when I hear people judge others about being gay when it is a mere fact, and something I cannot change.

Mom, I know this is going to take some time for you to accept. I know it will be difficult. I love you and I don't want to continue hiding a part of my life from you.



Sunday, June 1, 2008

With summer coming...

With summer coming there is no doubt that I will be spending more time at The Guy's house, as well as other friend's houses. Usually I call my parents the night I stay at The Guy's house and tell them I'm spending the night. I know how The Guy works and we will hang 2-3 days in a row sometimes.

In my defense gas is over $4.00 a gallon and driving to his place is costly.
In my defense I am a good kid.
In my defense I am 21.
In my defense I can always be reached by phone by my parents.

So would it be wrong this summer to say, spend the night 2 or 3 nights in the row if the opportunity comes up? I'm not trying to push anything, but I am old enough to make decisions...

He left me in the dust

I called The Guy probably 3 times Friday- the first time he hung up after about a minute or so of us chatting because he had to go to the gym. The second time I left a voicemail with a question about my computer, then I called him back at 4p.m. when I knew he'd be on his way home from the gym. He took his trainer Josh out to lunch because they were both feeling down. The Guy invited me over to play Conan and see how amazing it looks on his desktop.

I get to The Guy's place about 6. I stayed home to eat dinner since he had just eaten with Josh. I stop at the liquor store for 2 Monster Energy drinks for The Guy because he asked. I get to his place and he is online playing Conan with Mike in Oregon. I admire how the game looks so real- the scenery, the ground, the trees, the mountains, and how he is still getting great frame rates. The Guy tells me to quest alone so I could get to the next level. I do this for over an hour, then we team up and I heal for him while he kills. I go from level 23-25. We sit around and talk about his new storage server he bought.

We call it a night about 11:30 and he asks if we should go lay down. We go in his room and watch "Absolutely Fabulous." We're about 10 minutes into the show and then The Guy looks over, smiles, and asks if I'm hungry. I said I was. As I was getting up to go to the liquor store again for microwave popcorn I hit my knee cap just about as hard as I could on his bed. OUCH. IT STILL HURTS TODAY. I BRUISED THE BONE. I come back and pop the popcorn. The first bag burns in 90 seconds. Then the second bag turns out better. The Guy said what he really wanted was Cooler Ranch Doritos and I just smiled and hugged him and said "you better pay me back." I get in the car and again drive to the liquor store. The older guy in the convenience store who is always there laughed at me for my indecisiveness and need to make 2 trips. I get back, we eat Doritos and popcorn, then watch more "Ab Fab." We fall asleep watching the second episode and let the Apple TV run through the night. I wake up 2 times at night because of it. We wake up at 6:45.

We go in the office and look at the headlines on the internet and stuff like that. I ask The Guy if he has to work because I don't want to keep him from going. He said "technically yes," but he wasn't going to. He was going play Conan. The Guy takes his dog for a ride on the bike, then we come back and start to play Conan.

We decide we're hungry and we go to get food-both of us. We go to the burrito place, then YumYum. We pull in the parking lot I mean. Then The Guy decides they don't have any good food so he had an idea. I said I'd sit in suspense while he drove. We ended up at Stater Brothers for Febreeze, Entenmann's cheese cake, eggs, and Clorox toilet wands. The Guy jokes about leaving me since he has the coffee cake in his bag. I threaten that I have the bag with eggs and could egg his car as he leaves. He realizes it was good he was taking me home with him.

We play AOC. The Guy's dad calls at 10:15 from his house in Palm Springs to ask why The Guy wasn't at work. He said he was testing the server and had to be off site to do that (a lie). Then he said he was going to fix his brother's laptop and since his brother was playing in an alumni water polo game at the college by The Guy's house he had to stay at home for that. He helps his dad with the spam filter on his computer and some computer issues at work. The Guy apologized to his dad profusely for not making it clearer that he was staying home and was working. And I'll give him credit- he did more work than usual when he stays home. He troubleshooted for about 2 hours total. The Guy gets 2-3 calls from work during the day from different locations having problems with the new online system they're using for buying products. The Guy's brother comes to drop off his computer at one point and The Guy is playing AOC and troubleshooting on the phone and doesn't realize his brother came in, hugged him, and then dropped his computer off. I laughed after The Guy got off the phone and he asked if his brother was there. I reenact the scene.

We play some more AOC. The Guy ran through a quest that Mike in Oregon and himself told me I had to do last night to be able to play with them today in an instance. Then The Guy told me to run off and do other quests, so I never got that done. Then when they were doing the instance, I couldn't since I did every other quest but that one. I was really upset after him telling me to do it and was thinking of getting up, leaving, telling The Guy why I was upset and just walked out. If you want to play with me, play with me, don't tell me to do it, then forget about me. It wasn't as if I wasn't trying.

The server crashes about 1p.m. and The Guy asks if I'm hungry. He puts some rigatonni on the stove to cook while he sets up the laptops he has to repair in the kitchen. The Guy told me that lunch was payback for the chips and popcorn last night. The Guy asks how I was doing and I told him- "I'm pissed off because you told me to do this quest, you change your mind and tell me to do all the others, then you go in the instance, went up 2 levels, now I'm behind." He joked that I'm always behind and I said "well, I don't play as much as you, and I like to be able to play WITH YOU, and it is not like me catching up to you is a possibility, but I want to level up to be able to play with you." The Guy said he thought I was kidding and was asking me if I was. I said no. He said I looked very pissed off. I WAS. Still am.

The Guy's brother shows up and we hang around in the kitchen for a few minutes, then they go in the living room, and The Guy says I could go play AOC while he helps his brother out. I do. The Guy shows his brother AOC when they finish and his brother is amazed. We talk about the game and I talk about how I've died, how The Guy has died, and things like that.

The Guy's brother asks if he can stay around and nap. The Guy tells him sure, use his bed, not the couch like his brother was planning. His brother had a hard time settling down to sleep because THe Guy's room was too light and he needed something to cover his eyes. We play for about 20-30 minutes while his brother naps, then The Guy declares he is going to nap. We say bye and thank each other.

I needed to take off to go to my cousin's play "Hamlet, Prince of Denmark" with a modern day twist. T E R R I B L E PLAY!!! It is Hamlet with Prince songs. I wouldn't have known it was Hamlet with all the names changed, then the cast singing songs like "Party Like Its 1999." The actors in the show were TERRIBLE. THEY CAN'T ACT. THEY CAN'T SING. It was supposedly a hilarious story, but I didn't laugh much. IT WAS TERRIBLE- THE JOKES WERE BAD-EVERYTHING. MY cousin and the dancers could dance though! It was kind of a raunchy story. I was sitting with my aunt and uncle, as well as my lesbian cousin. My aunt kept looking over at my reactions, I was doing the same to see her reactions. She kept commenting how she was glad she didn't bring my little cousin. It was good to get to catch up with the family, though; and to support my cousin. I want to give a big congratulations to my cousin. She'll never read this blog, but she is the first of my cousins to graduate from college and who may actually be successful. Her mom wasn't successful, her uncle wasn't either (my 1st cousins). My lesbian cousin has messed up her life. My cousins on my mom's side all have dropped out of college. My cousin was raised by her grandparents (my aunt and uncle)- they have given her the world on a silver platter, much like they did for their kids, but my cousin, despite all the family problems like drugs, boyfriends, etc. has managed to avoid it, and will at least graduate. Now, given it has taken her 6 years because she changed her major so many times I am proud of her.