Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My emotional side

Gah. I need to be in bed sleeping, but I'm awake and up.

I was having a funky night. Spent it with the familia, hit the gym, and then did some prepping for school in my room. I felt like I could cry for the first time in months, and I did. Shortly after everyone went to bed I locked myself in my room and I just let loose. It is not that I'm not happy. I am elated. I have an incredible guy in my life, wonderful friends, and lots of support. It always seems to be that no matter how perfect other areas of your life are, there's still some areas that could be better. I thought about my parents arguing earlier over something really minute- it was my dad not listening to my mom asking for help earlier to put her bathroom back together. I hate to see my parents argue. Back to what was bothering me- it is my dad and his health- I worry about that daily. I am hoping that he is retired at the end of this year, but what if he is retired- he doesn't exactly have anything to do to occupy his days? My dad's health is taking a real toll on everyone in the family. It makes me not want to be around him, it has to be hard for my mom too. It feels like a repeat of when I was a kid, except now I know why. I felt alone in my own room. I have really grown accustomed to sleeping next to someone, and though it was temporary, it was hard. I enjoy getting off work, heading to his house, telling him about my day, and seeing what the evening has in store for us. I love that this is so different than the life I had imagined for myself where I was the single bachelor type well into my 30s. I also felt uncomfortable in my own bed as I have for months- maybe Mike has me accustomed to colder temperatures now, but 78 for sleeping is wayyyyyy too hot. I can't use my heavy down comforter, the throw on my bed is too hot, and the furry blanket thing I got at Christmas is equally as bad. Window was opened and it is fine, but then the heat kicks on every few minutes, and my fan blows above me. I'm stressed over the work situation. An error with scheduling at the beginning of the year is now being corrected and now I'm teaching way too many classes, I'm frustrated, I'm not wanting to get caught in the crossfire, and so alas I try my best. I am working on getting this work in progress sorted out with a bunch of different people, but in the meantime I feel like I'm drowning there. Oh, and don't you recall I received a layoff notice, so while I'm working extra hard dealing with the shitty course load I have, and bitchy whiney students, and all of that other rigamarole, I am putting a smile on my face while I do all of this. I don't want to get caught in the mess with all the icky courses and am sorting that out with the powers that be, but the planning, the daily lesson plans, the other shit is driving me crazy. I wish I had a job at times like my boyfriend where I didn't have the pressure of 200 kids, the planning and other thing. I feel like at times I chose teaching because it was easy and something I knew how to do. I believe I could work in many other fields and be good- training- I work well with people. I am good at sales, but that's not my desire. I would love to be able to work from home. I would love a job where I travel. I hate the swipes people try to take at me because I'm a teacher. I'm working hard, damn it. I feel I could do something planning related or something that requires my organization skills- that would be awesome. I would enjoy coordinating events, looking at details, even researching is a fun thing for me. I'm still young enough to start over, but would starting over hinder my independence and freedom my paycheck is giving me, or wait, my current paycheck, as we know I am being laid off. Oh, and my toenail is bothering me. How's the weather? The heat just kicked on. Now I'm feeling snide and tired. Goodnight.


Aek said...

Sounds like a lot of things going on. I hope your dad is able to take some time to take care of his health. It's very easy to let one's health slide to where they're just one illness away from a hospital stay.

As for sleeping in 78, all I can do is lol at that. I mean, down comforter at that temp with the heat on?! 78 is when my roommate begs for the AC to be turned on and I sleep nude under 1 light blanket, lol.

I hope everything works out on the job end. Being overworked SUCKS.

dan said...

what about broadcasting? if not on camera, must be tons of great jobs you can do in production, specially with your bi lingualism.. I dunno... hang in there! :)