Sister driving me insane

I was having a rotten night last night. I went to Victoria Gardens TO RETURN something for my mom as a favor to her- my second time over there that day. My sister calls me on the way and harasses me saying "I always spend so much, I'm such a gay guy, etc. etc." It was bad. I hung up on her after a few minutes of her game. I was also shaken up by other events from earlier in the day. I called The Guy because he was the only person I could really call and open up to, so I did. I was so shaken that I had an anxiety attack at Victoria Gardens, composed myself, returned the things, then went back to my car and cried for over an hour. I needed to let it out and hadn't been able to cry at home. I was still just so upset with my sister I couldn't forgive. Had I gone home, I probably would have been very violent toward her. We talked, I calmed down, he tried to pep me up telling me about what I do for everyone, but his usual diatribe didn't suit me and if anything all he did was prevent me from going home and doing something to my sister. I didn't really feel better after talking to him. I really had a knot in my stomach all night and got almost no sleep because I was up either crying and the lump in my stomach wouldn't go away. My anxiety meds weren't helping.

If anything, I learned I need to really stop listening to my sister. What is she to me? My problem yesterday was I was questioning myself because of her? Do I do stuff for people? Yes. Am I there for people? Yes. She just knows all of the buttons to push. Monday night she made a big deal that all I do is spend, spend, spend money. She said I'm always spending my parents money (note- the last thing my parents bought me was the bedroom set as a Christmas gift- all of the clothes I have bought recently are out of my pocket). I have something called a job, which she doesn't. But back to the story- she was pressing on all my buttons rubbing it in my face making me feel bad for buying what I did buy. I don't spend a ton of money on myself, so for her to do this made me feel rotten, and really made me question myself yesterday and feel bad. Then she brought up other people and I think I do so much for others, so this hurt and I was questioning it. Then she brought up how I'm so materialistic because I bought all of this stuff. She brought up how being materialistic shows I only care about myself, how I don't store up my treasures in heaven like I need to, and other random, stupid stuff. Then of course there is the gay thing where she says to my dad, "there's something really wrong here when your son likes fashion more than your daughter." and then harasses me about the gay thing when my parents aren't around- and I'm not even out to her. I just want so badly to make a nice comeback when she says that, but I refrain because it will cause for more hurt feelings- I want to say "well, I care about my looks because I don't want to look like you." My sister has put on probably 20 pounds this year, she only wears jogging suits/shorts and a t-shirt, she looks like a bag, she doesn't wear makeup, she straightens her hair daily, which looks boring, doesn't exercise, and has bad acne. I take care of my body because I don't want to gain a ton of weight like that, so I eat sensibly and exercise. I don't want to be a shorts and t-shirt or pants and t-shirt guy because that's just boring, and fashion can be fun. I care about how I look, and so again, I experiment with clothing, skin, hair, etc. She just knows the buttons she can press to hurt me and does. I let it in. I need to stop that. She is nothing to me. I feel nice and relaxed as I sit here and type this up after I've had the day to get over her. I'm not even getting mad as I type this part.

I called The Guy just after 9a.m. I thought he'd be awake by then because he usually is. He wasn't. I woke him up with my phone call. I told him how I was up all night and felt so rotten. He told me that he wanted me to get out of the house and come over. I went.

When I got to his place, he opened up the door, and then retreated to the couch where he played WOW. He played for 4-5 hours and finally hit level 71. We talked occasionally about what was going on with my sister and the other event. I had a couple breakdowns and he just asked "Mike, what the heck is going on here?" I'd tremble, then eventually tell him. He kept asking me if I were feeling better, but really I wasn't and I kept acknowledging I wasn't. I had the knot in my stomach/chest that I feel when I have anxiety, but it wasn't going away. We watch Charmed, the new Meg Ryan movie where she has cancer that came out last year.

The Guy asks me if I want him to wrap my Christmas gift and I said it was up to him. He said ok, just don't look over in the kitchen. We sit and watch TV some more. The Guy gets up to do laundry and then comes over with a smile, his tongue out between his lips, and brings the Apple TV over to me- my Christmas gift. I thank him and tell him how much it was what I wanted. I had mentioned several times before I'd like one, so that was cool. It really made me feel good because it made me feel better after my sister's shit. I told him to let me go get his gift, but he didn't. He told me to sit down and get it later.

He showers, does laundry, and then we decide we'll go get food. He cleans up and does this dishes, then I go out to get his gift. I bought him 2 Aqua VI t-shirts from Buckle ($35-60 a piece). I also bought him an iPhone car charger for his car because he is often on the phone in the car and complains his phone is not charged. This one charges your phone as you talk on it. He shook the boxes, then ripped open the paper. He asked afterward if I minded. Of course I didn't- it was WRAPPING PAPER- you don't save it! He opened up the gray Aqua VI shirt I bought him first and he said how much he liked it. He tried it on and said it was wild, he loved it, but it was a v-neck, which made him sensitive because he felt like he had boobs. He opens up the other shirt and I tell him how I liked this for the color because I remember his red pullover he has and how great it looks. He said it was definitely wild, tried it on, walked into the bedroom, and preened in front of the mirror in his bedroom. He looked great. Seeing him happy and appreciative really made me feel good and the anxiety/pains subsided.

We go out to the car, get our jackets, and go to CVS. He is looking for insulin needles for his testosterone injections. He still has months to go and ran out of needles. You apparently have to have a prescription. He said he'd call his doctor for that to get more. We go to Trader Joes. I'm finally able to talk to him where I have his undivided attention and tell him about what is going on. I was also able to laugh by this time. The knots had dissipated. He told me how much he liked the shirts, but how he found other stuff he liked at Buckle- some buttondown shirts and asked if I'd mind if he returned 1 of the shirts to get that. I said not at all. I knew he was hard to shop for, buying anything like that was a risk, so that's why I gave him the gift receipt. No big deal. In Trader Joes we get ravioli, egg white salad, and bananas. We go back and make the ravioli, then eat it. He left his phone at home and Josh had texted him twice while we were gone. He talked about how good that made him feel and how Josh really did miss him. The Guy called his brother to basically cuss him out because they had pictures of themselves taken for his mom for Christmas, but The Guy was disappointed by the photos and wanted to touch them up on his own or select the ones their mom got. He didn't get to, so asked his brother to e-mail them, then he'd touchup later.

The Guy is going to his parents tomorrow night to spend the night and Christmas Day with them, then Christmas Night with Josh.

I'm going to bake sugar cookies tomorrow, clean my car out, go to the gym, then we'll open up presents tomorrow night. We open up gifts on Christmas Eve at my house, then there are a few presents/stockings on Christmas Day "from Santa" which means the things my mom bought nobody knows about. Christmas Day will be spent at my aunt's house with the family.

We thanked each other for our gifts, the day, and then I took off at about 6:45 because The Guy was changing to go to the gym with Josh. Then they were going back to The Guy's.

I heard this song coming home and I changed the words to "Mike's sister" instead of Mr. Grinch and I think that the song does a great job at describing her.



If I don't blog before then, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

EDIT: I did not buy my sister a gift and that bothered me, especially in the moments leading up to opening up presents. I felt worried she'd notice. I think she did notice, but said nothing. It is still kind of bothering me now that I could be that mean, but I know deep down she doesn't deserve it; yet I feel bad for not buying her anything... if that makes any sense... this is what you get for rambling at 10:30 at night when you are exhausted.