I came out at 1:30a.m. this morning on the 91 Freeway

Tonight was the perfect time- Gonzo and I in the car for about 30 minutes-1 hour in each direction depending on traffic. We were chaperoning a field trip for the kids we tutor at Knotts. We didn't have to ride the bus, so I drove. We met up with the coordinator at the high school to say hi, talk, see what the deal was, if we needed to help, and then took off.

When Gonzo got in my car I had a handful of condoms in the front seat (it was condom day in my human reproduction class- I plan to post about that later). I said to her "let me move my condoms" and she began laughing hysterically and said how she was not sure she wanted to ride with me anymore cuz I may have all these dirty things lined up. That was a good source of laughter for 10 minutes or so where we both hinted that we didn't know how to use them although I became quite the expert because of condom day. I played little naive Mike.

On the way down we talked about school and random memories from high school. I also told her about my Halloween drinking experience and hiding it from the parents.

When we got there we realized how awesome the weather was- I took off my hoodie about 8:45 when I got too hot. It is usually on the real cool side and I'd have my gloves, hoodie, etc. I am always cold it seems, so this was a welcome surprise.

The high school didn't get to Knotts until 9p.m. because the bus got lost and didn't pick the kids up at the high school until 8. 2 HOURS LATE! Our dinner plans with the teachers were scrapped. We stopped on the way to Knotts at McDonalds and ordered Big Macs to go. Inside McDonalds I was telling Gonzo about how I have pics for most everyone who calls me. I showed her a pic of The Guy and said he is a real good friend and told her his real name. I showed her the pics of my coworkers and stuff like that.

Our first ride was La Revolucion. It was funny because Gonzo doesn't scream on the rides. She laughs and giggles. I screamed because she insisted that I do, even though I'm not a screamer. It was quite fun, made her laugh harder, I was watching her, getting dizzy from looking over, fun times.



While in line for Silver Bullet, there was a Latino guy and his girlfriend (both were hot) making out and really getting into it. He had his hand going up her shirt and he was playing with her boobs. They were making outo and hugging, kissing complete with tongue and everything. I don't mind seeing people make out, but Gonzo whispered to me it was nasty. I decided to exert my authority and went up to them and said "aaaaaaaaaaaahem... this is a school function, so try to keep it PG." The guy looked at me obviously embarrassed and didn't say anything. They did stop.

In the lines we talked about everything under the sun- Loud Mouth Coworker, school, work, family, friends, and the like. When we were in line for Boomerang we talked about people from high school. I tend to get around and keep in contact with people we went to high school with. She asked how a former football player was and I said well, he's going to this college and I've heard stuff about him. She asked what and I said that he's gay. Then one of the other football players came up who I know is gay since he has it on his myspace. She was SHOCKED at that one and went on for a good 5 minutes about how he seemed so straight and stuff like that. I just said yeah, surprised me too. At this point I was texting Closeted only child for moral support since it was becoming harder. I wasn't going to come out in line in front of a bunch of people and hear Gonzo's shocked reaction as well as a bunch of strangers; but also after hearing her reaction to the football players was intimidated to say I'm gay or bi.



I got a text from closeted on Boomerang (the ride in the photo above) at the top where you are backing up before the freefall so you can go through all the loops, and I said loudly enough so she can hear, "my penis is vibrating" cuz my phone made it's way to that area, I could feel it, it was vibrating and the vibration felt so good, I needed to share the information. Gonzo was laughing so hard and I was bright red. I couldn't believe what I just said- that's so out of character for me. * Thanks man for texting me and encouraging me. I think that helped me make up my mind I had to say something finally because I've been going on and on about how I've wanted to tell her for weeks.

We went on about 10 rides and hit all the good roller coasters.

We left the park at 1:18a.m. I put the car in cruise control and cruised down the 91 at 80mph. We talked about how fun the night was, how Gonzo wanted to work at Kohls badly when it first opened, how I know my way around so well without using maps (which is not a guy thing, btw). She brought up again how shocked she was about that football, Raymond player.

I got 2 text messages right before we got on the freeway. I didn't; but Gonzo said she heard my phone vibrate and make the message sound. She's hearing things... but I figured I'd make something up along the lines of guy friends who are gay. She asked what they said. I lied said one was from The Guy who is gay and the other was from a friend who is bi. I showed her a pic of The Guy at dinner (but did not tell how I met him) and she went on and on about how hot he was. I said both had dates tonight and both were telling me they went well. She said oh, we'll, 1:00a.m. is definitely late for a date and their dates should go home by that time. This led to the conversation about how her parents are so strict with her. She is Mexican, but there is an unwritten rule in her family she has to be home an hour before her real curfew of midnight. If she is with her boyfriend, 11:30. If he is at her house, he is gone by 11:30 and the door of her room stays open.

I sang Avril Lavigne's song "Complicated" they were playing on KBIG 104 as were were near CSUF. Gonzo laughed at me for that and sang along. Then they played "Home" by Daughtry and I realize that we were approaching the 55 freeway at this time. I figure I want to start the conversation before we leave the OC to give her time to react before getting home. They play "Emotion" by Mariah Carey. All of these songs were quite appropriate for my situation. Things were becoming more complicated, I was wanting to go home, and was full of emotion at this time. I figured NOW. Just like closeted said in his text, do it without thinking.

Out of the blue as we were passing the 55 freeway, I said "I have a date tomorrow night." Gonzo was leaning against the window of my car staring at me and asked "what does this girl look like?" I was SOOOO tempted to say "well, this guy looks like....." but didn't. I just couldn't. So I made up a random girl and then said hopefully this one will go well because my luck with girls hasn't been great. She went on about how picky I am, how she has analyzed my situation and sees that I'm too picky. I wanted to tell her NO... I like guys. Didn't have the balls. DAMN ME. DAMN ME. DAMN ME.

Somehow we talked about how I don't want to settle down and marry until the time I'm 30 or so. She was telling me 25 would be more acceptable. I said no, I want to be a bachelor and have no plans of settling down. She said how she doesn't want me to be real old and having kids. I was arguing David Letterman did it, she said she doesn't want me to be like that. She said she doesn't want me to look like a grandpa when I get around to having kids.

Me wanting to wait for a while to have kids led to another interesting conversation- I said I am very independent and don't want commitment. I'm sure I could handle it, but I like having freedom. Gonzo said maybe I need a friend with benefits. We also talked about a friend, Audi, from high school who wanted a guy as a friend with benefits. She said I should do that. I said nooooo. I said I'm not looking for sex. HAHA. I know Gonzo is still a virgin and whatnot and I wasn't comfortable telling her I wasn't necessarily.

Then out of the blue right near the OC/Riverside County Lines I said "The Guy has tried to hook me up with another guy and has volunteered to be a friend with benefits." I told her how I met The Guy online (craigslist). She asked if that was The Guy that I showed her earlier in the pic. I said YES. She said he is definitely hot and that I should do him. I said stuff to the effect of, "you don't think it's weird that gay or bi guys are trying to set me up?" Her response was no, she said maybe they have a point- I don't like girls. I said, "I don't think I'm into guys" (damn me again). She said that with my past luck with girls, it may be that I'm not interested yet and haven't come to realize that since I haven't done anything sexual or maybe thought about that (hahahaha). I said maybe she was right. All the way into the IE she was saying how definitely I should go on a date with a guy and get a chance to see if I could like a guy.

I talked about having guys hit on me, stuff like that. She said that's awesome and she thinks that because in society we're taught that being gay is not ok, it really is (she was concerned that I was worried about trying anything with a guy because of that); times are changing. I said yeah, but I can't really see myself saying I like a guy and stuff. She said well, I encourage you to go on other dates etc. with guys and see how it works. I said maybe I should. She said that I probably am saying that I can't say I like a guy because of my upbringing and stuff like that. She lectured me on how love can be used to show value and that you appreciate someone, so it is perfectly ok to love guy friends. She said she doesn't want me getting caught up just thinking liking a guy is a bad thing because obviously nature made me this way.

She said how her best friends are gay and she has no problem with that and it would be perfectly fine. She talked about how gay guys tend to be more open to not just sexual stuff, but more accepting, open minded, loving, caring, and stuff like that. She said that she thinks I am all of those and she doesn't want society to tell me otherwise.

3 exits away from where I get off the freeway she says that she just wants me to be happy and will be there to support me and whatever. She said she wants me to go on a date with a guy, make out, stuff like that, see if I have feelings, stuff like that.

Getting off the freeway I said "Gonzo, look, tomorrow night, the date is really with a guy." She said "Mike, great, that's a good start." She told me how she was so happy for me and can't wait to hear everything.

Now nearly 2 hours later (3:30a.m.) I'm thinking damn, I wish I could have just said it. But I did make it clear that I do have an interest in guys and now I can talk about guys around her.

The conversation was completely normal the rest of the way home. We talked about my sister and her brother (both of whom may get their licenses by the time they are 40). My sister and her brother both don't have their licenses. Her brother FINALLY passed his permit test last Wednesday. We talked about how much we fear for our siblings because they don't have the experience we do driving, but also how they don't take driving as seriously as we do.

All in all, awesome. I don't have a date tomorrow night, unfortunately. I can however be MORE truthful with Gonzo on Monday morning and say I enjoyed the date, I made out or something like that and had a really good time and did have feelings for a guy or something.

Mr. Early to bed finally made it to bed at 4:00a.m. and was up at 9:00a.m.

I feel so relieved today after telling her. I can't describe it. Though I didn't say I know I'm interested in guys, I said enough and she knows now I'm considering guys. I just feel really free today. I wish I had the guts however to say those 3 little words- it'll be easier to say in the future though, I'm sure.