Hey guys...
Spending the past couple nights at The Guy's house was such a relief and an escape I needed. I slept rather well each night; which was welcome after starting off to a rather rocky week. I don't know why, but last Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights when I was at my mom's friend Linda's house and my house I woke up in the middle of the night several times crying and really sad. Sad that I'm not out, sad that I'm lying, sad that I have to hide a part of my life from the people I care for the most, worried about coming out, worried about the effects, people's reactions, and the future. After, I would lay in bed crying, trying to fall back asleep. I'm not sure what caused these crying fits.
Throughout all of this I was thinking next time this happens, just come out. REGARDLESS. It is obviously hurting me enough that I'm losing sleep at night over the issue.
Throughout all of these spells I was wishing someone would come in so I could tell them and get those 3 words off my chest. To me this may be the best time. Thinking about it, sitting my parents down would be too hard; they say coming out never goes as planned, so regardless how prepared I am or not; I may not say things I want to, or say too much. If I could have another crying attack and then get someone like my mom to notice it seems more opportune. My mom could see how upset I am, how much it is hurting me, how much it is driving me crazy; thus garnering her sympathy and support. She would be much more likely to hug me, than to scold me if I did it more traditionally. I think I would be able to remember everything I want to tell my mom in this setting- how hurt I am, how I'm not a different person, how long I've been hurt/known this, and how difficult it has been, also how it isn't something I could change.
I just don't know that this is the best time, which is part of my reason for not coming out; and The Guy agrees that it really isn't the time. My grandma's health is failing and the problems with my aunt have worstened. My mom is very stressed with work and budget cuts. We're about to buy a house, so there is all the stress with that, new furniture, what to keep and what to throw out, etc. etc. Our house has been paid off for 10 years, so now we're suddenly going to have a mortgage, fixing up our current house to rent out. Tensions are high between my dad and I and for all the same reasons, plus more. I'm not worried about my dad though, because I haven't really been worried about him like my mom.
5 comments:
I understand what that's like. Instead of waking up crying, for a week I had been going to bed thinking what it was like to be dead. Not suicidal thoughts, but easily bordering them.
I think high stress and a sense of inadequacy triggers it sometimes. There's nothing I can say, really, except that you're not alone.
I definitely understand the feeling. At first I really didn't want to tell them and I planned to hold off for a long time. But, as I started figuring myself out more I found that I was screaming inside with the urge to tell them. I really felt like I was lying to them about myself but not saying anything at all.
With the coming out thing, yes, it's hard. My aunt described it as a diving board. You get up there and don't want to go through with it but you just have to take the plunge. Heh, well it didn't *quite* work for me because my sister had to push me into it kind of. Anyway, it's not a bad analogy and although it's hard, you just have to say the words. If you don't then nothing can happen, and neither you nor them will have the opportunity to deal with things.
J~
http://gazingupathendlessky.blogspot.com/
I agree with The Guy -- this moment may not be the right one for you. If you have doubts, hold off. Have you talked to a professional about all of this? That could certainly help you deal with the other stress in your life as well. Hang in there, honey - you are not alone and we are all behind you...
I remember being in the same situation. Wanting to tell my parents, but the timing just wasn't right. I didn't like to wait, but I figured it would be better for them. In my case it turned out to be right. However that was me, everyone is different. You have to choose.
If you wait until the right time, it will never happen. That being said, you know what's going on with them so you should have an idea of when is the best time to tell them. Trust your instincts and you'll know when the time is right.
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