I need to confess now!

The incident that I blogged about the other day still continues- the one where in a moment of anger told 2 people to fuck off. I am not going to mention what is going on because it is so complex and it is nothing but stupid family drama, but it is having a profound effect on me as much as I'm trying to shy away from it. Well, let me just say that the person involved made some comments about my sexuality- the comment was made without merit, were totally inappropriate for the situation, and were slander. Anyways, I spent much of yesterday debating on my own whether or not to just come out to my mom.

I debated about telling my mom about the comments, and I did when we were in the car the other day and I could have said "it is true," but didn't. First failed attempt. Now, now that comments have been said and me not taking a stand and affirming it will make coming out more difficult later because of the battle that is going to ensue (not over this comment), but this comment will reappear later down the line. I'll have a lot of explaining and defending to do when I do come out, making it much more difficult on my end.

My mom got home from work at 8p.m. last night, like she does every Wednesday and I figured we could sit down and talk and I'd tell her what was on my mind. Instead the realtor called and since they're a good family friend they talked for nearly an hour. It was 9p.m. by the time they were off the phone and the phone rang. My neighbor needed me to help her with Spanish homework, so I took off to her house.

When I got home I went to bed. I tried to go to bed anyways. I was so overcome by the events of the past couple days I just broke down and cried. It was a good cry and I felt much better because as strange as it sounds I was able to more or less sort out a lot of events and my anger lessened about other things. I cried for 45 minutes or so. I wanted so badly for my mom to come in my room and comfort me. She didn't after 45 minutes, so I got up and walked through the hall and living room, pacing, showing I was nervous. Soon, she got up out of bed and came in my room. She said, "Mike, what's going on? Mike, tell me. You never let me in on what's going on in your life and you're holding your anger in." I said I'm not upset and was trying to downplay the incident. My mom said she heard me crying and knew I probably wouldn't tell her anything, so she was waiting for me to come talk to her. She asked what was really wrong because she couldn't go to bed knowing I was upset. Her kids are the most important thing in the world to her and if I'm upset, she is too. I figured I'd just tell her I was gay, but then it flashed before me how totally unprepared I was- what I should say, what I shouldn't, and would I have to explain my whereabouts and my constantly being gone, and would she become suspicious of The Guy, Steve, or Mike. Maybe it was just me being paranoid, but it seems like after spending so much time at guy's houses, the obvious assumption is that they are gay, so I'm staying at their houses, having sex, and stuff like that. So finally I just made up some random thing about how I'm upset about my Spanish class- totally true and she knows it, and I just said this has been stressing me out and this is why and I'm so upset etc.

Now I really don't know what to do. I am a 3rd wheel being brought into this drama because I'm the most vulnerable and easiest to be taken advantage of and now this attack on my sexuality has made it to where I need to confess now or likely have a lot of explaining later.

It is not that I'm upset over this comment about my sexuality. Some people would be, and some would take offense to it. I am not upset over her calling me what she did because she is not important in my life. It is not so much that I'm trying to create a big issue out of what was said. I'm not. What I'm worried now is that what was said will make it more difficult to come out later, so I need to confess now.