Sexual assault

I sit here crying and trying to type this up. Part of me feels like I need to because I need to vent. The other part of me wants to brush this under a rug and pretend it never happened. Sexual assault can happen to guys. It happened to me.

I was having a bad night the other night and The Guy encouraged me to go out to a bar on my own. I did. I went to one he recommended in my city. I went and had a strawberry margarita because I wasn't really wanting the hard stuff. I was there for a good 20-30 minutes sitting at a table near the entrance. The bar wasn't too crowded.

A guy comes in and he sees me playing on my iphone and approaches me asking if I was the guy he was supposed to meet off of craigslist. I said no. He showed me his ad, which he made a mistake and showed me another ad. It turns out it was an ad The Guy had posted. It was like a bad dream. A mistake. My heart sank and I felt rejection. I really wondered if it was and proceeded to get up and walk away from this guy. The Guy was obviously interested and pulled me back. He asked why I was there and I just said to hang out. This guy, about 5'6'', 155lbs, latino (I think), named Husef told me I was cute. He told me I looked like the ultimate gay guy because I was wearing a shirt from the department store he worked for. How flattering. He was a brand tester for a major department store chain and told me about the new products available at this store. He told me how hard the retail field was. He asked what my major was and he told me that just being a hard worker means you'll always have a job and just because you feel like you don't know how to do something means nothing because if you work hard, people want you. He told me about all of the opportunities I could have in the retail field. We were able to have a pretty good conversation because I could share about how my mom actually used to do what he did for a major dept. store and is trying to get back into the field. It felt really good because I have looked at opportunities in major department stores where my degree could be put to good use and he just seemed to provide that assurance. He told me how sexy I was and how great my eyes were. Soon I let my guard down and we kissed. He was a sloppy kisser and kept moving his tongue around the outline of my lips. He said he was staying in town at the most expensive hotel in town and asked if I wanted to go back to his room. I said no. I was a little hesitant because all I want to do is jack off with a guy and nothing more. He said ok. I was stupid and trusting. I am usually so hard and pressed to trust guys.

Here's his craigslist ad: I did not reply to this ad- he just merely hit me up in the bar thinking I was the guy he was going to meet off of craiglist.

Staying at ultra expensive hotel- m4m
Bi dude here 5.6 155 workout dd free very clean cut..looking to play in my my hotel room. Please send me pic...lets doit Thanks


We go back to his room. His arm is around my waist as we walk to his hotel room. It is a NICE, several hundred dollar a night room. He showers and comes out in a white bath robe and a half used bottle of St. Ives lotion. He told me how this bath robe cost him $250 because it is made of egyptian cotton and he bought it on Melrose. I am laying there naked with my clothes to the side of the bed.

He plays with my dick for a moment and we jack off for about 2 minutes. He was more interested in touching mine than me touching him. I notice how little and petite his body looks compared to mine. He flips me over and on top of him and I feel him moving his dick toward my ass. I said NO. I said I only wanted to jack off. He told me "Mike, you know what you really wanted when you got into this." I said NO. NO I DIDN'T. He grabbed my neck at this time and had me in a head lock. I kicked him in the chest and hit him with my arms. I was trying to regain composure and control by putting on my shirt and he pushed me onto the floor during this time. We roll around and he is on top of me telling me how I'm a hard one and I must really like rough sex. I said NO. I am able to get to my pants and get my iPhone out to try to call 911. He takes the phone away and throws it across the room where it hits the wall and falls near the bathroom door. I give in for a few minutes and let him "have his way" meaning I wanted a few seconds to come back with my strength. I did, but I am screaming during this time. I pushed him over and laid on his chest. He is scratching my back in the meantime and I am trying to pull the comforter off the bed. I finally get the comforter off the bed and smother his face in it. I cover his face with my hand and the comforter and roll his head around on the carpet. As he is clawing at me I try to get his arms and everything else wrapped up. I am able and I take his head and arms and wrap them up in the comforter. He struggles trying to get undone and I quickly pull my pants on and carry my shoes out of his room where I finish dressing. I escape with a few marks from his nails across my back, a larger scratch going down my back, and what looks like rug burn on my neck from where he was clawing at me incessantly.

I run to my car 2 blocks down the street and begin crying. I drive home and cry. I cry until morning. I feel good in that I know it was not my fault- I was strong and sat my boundaries. I was just so hurt that The Guy posted an ad. I figured it was him having a difficult night, but that this guy accidentally clicked THe Guy's ad out of all ads on craigslist.

I called The Guy yesterday morning and left him a voicemail at work and said "FUCK YOU." I was going to leave a message like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK and I mean it on so many levels and toward everything," something a little more funny, but I was mad at him. He doesn't get cell reception at work, but by the time I get home from my walk, which is when i called him, he is online. He asks if I'm around. I said no. I told him to go away. He asked if I was mad at him. I said yes. I proceeded in on my story. He said he did post an ad, he was lonely, he is single, he doesn't deal with aloneness well. I asked why he didn't call me. Why, when I'm feeling so alone too. The 2 hour conversation we had that night which caused me to go to the bar was because I felt alone. The Guy listened and we talked it out and he told me how bad he feels for all of this happening to me. He feels lke it is his fault this happened to me for encouraging me to go out. We talked about how this was an attempted rape/sexual assault/how I am thankfully very strong and was able to take hold. He told me and said I have to go to counseling. He asked why I wouldn't go, if I was scared, he assured me of confidentiality, and everything. He said I should go to the counseling center at my school. I said no. He asked if I wanted him to go and said no. He said he encourages me to go. I was driven crazy by him and finally went. I didn't care.

I went and talked to the counselor. We talked about how it is sort of surprising I am strong and don't feel like I did anything wrong. He talked about how I'm in a precarious situation where I was just coming out and had that sexual confidence and wanted to meet people, but now that is lost. He said he felt weird telling me, especially after just being victimized, but wanted to emphasize this to The Guy that he really needs to be there for me to support me sexually. Our bed relationship may change and it will- I don't think I want The Guy being as verbal/dominant as he is, but also if I do want to have sex I want it to be very equal and we tell each other how good ____ feels. He said the biggest issue was The Guy didn't come with me to be my support, but also to hear how he needs to be there for me to support me because I am so alone- as in my parents can't find out without opening up the whole gay issue, I'm not comfortable with close friends knowing, so he is my only person to turn to, and yes, I'm asking a lot, especially when he is having a hard time giving it. The Guy and I talked and he is so busy with his own feelings of loss right now that he can't help me. I have no other person other than this shrink to turn to. I am not about to talk to my parents- and my mom did see the scratches on my back last night. There isn't tons of privacy in my house right now and I wasn't thinking about having my shirt off walking around. She asked what happened. I lied and I think she knows I did. I said I was clawing my back because it itched really badly. Then she saw the big scratch that looks like rug burn and she said that's not just a scratch. I just laughed it off. I'm not going to talk to my good friends like Gonzo or friend in Mississippi because it is awkward. I do want to I guess hang out with them more and be around people. I am hurt and my lack of trust is worse than before. The Guy knows that I am mad at him and is accepting of it. The idiot shrink also thought that now is the time to keep my sexual confidence up, which is hard when The Guy and my relationship is changing, but also how I feel so alone, lost, and hurt.

Edit- Friday night I basically told The GUy I was coming over- PERIOD. I was a mess. I left a mess because he did something that triggered thoughts of the other night. He did it on accident, but it still hurt and I cried and wouldn't tell him what was going on. His friend Joe was visiting and he was trying to shoo both of us out. I hadn't eaten and was just coming out of the bathroom and he asked if I was ok. I said no and I needed a few minutes. After a few minutes I was fine, then he said "go, go Mike" and it sounded in the same harsh tone that The Guy used the other night causing me to cry and have a flashback of the other night. He gets upset and yells at me in the kitchen for not telling him the problem and that just furthers the problem.

Sister came in my room to try and bother me on Sunday. She was trying to tell me something my dad said, but also annoy me. I am laying on my mattress here on the floor and she swoops down and goes after my neck. I have flashbacks of that the other day and I slap her with my hand. She thinks I'm playing and so I slap her again and she leaves to cry and tell daddy. Daddy comforts her and tells me how that was so inappropriate- I just needed to tell her I didn't want to play. I feel uneasiness afterward and still, like my bed isn't even safe. That bitch.

Sunday I turned my bed in a different direction because the direction it was in was the same as the bed in the hotel and it was bothering me. Now here it is Monday morning and I can't sleep because I'm upset and also because of my bed being in a new direction. And I use the term bed loosely because it is merely a mattress on the floor. I've been trying to sleep for 2.5 hours.