She can sense it

My mom and I had a long talk tonight. She says she know and has known for months there is an issue I'm hiding from her. It started when I was in her bedroom brushing my teeth. The master bathroom in my parent's bedroom is much larger than the other bathroom, therefore I brush my teeth in it since there is room to actually store my toothbrush.

Anyways, my dad fell asleep on the couch tonight and so he'll sleep there all night. My mom was talking about how late I've been staying up. I told her that it was 4a.m. last night before I fell asleep. I said that I've been exhausted, but nerves and a constant wandering mind have kept me up. Both of those are 100% true.

My sister finished brushing her teeth and said goodnight to my mom. My mom said that there's something bothering me, so let's just sit together and talk for a little bit. I laid with my head in the middle of the bed curled up in a ball as she rubbed my head. She asked about what sort of furniture/theme I want to go with in my bedroom. I told her about the pictures i posted a few weeks back. She said she'll see when we can purchase me a bedroom set. I said that's not a big deal right now because really, just having all of the old icky furniture in my room gone is HEAVEN.

She asked me about what kind of clothes she should bring for my dad's army reunion next week. We talked about clothes and she notices how I'm branching out in what I wear. She said she is glad and asked if there is anything I need for when I start school.

She rolled over in bed and repositioned herself and we started a new topic. She said that the physical therapy she has been going through at Kaiser has really helped and so her legs don't hurt when she turns over in bed. I mentioned how my lower back has been hurting and in the evening is very tight. She asked why. She speculated that it was me doing all of this work on the house this summer. I said no- I think it is nerves and stress. She said that surprised her because I don't appear stressed to her. I always have a smile on my face and I don't tell her anything. She said I tell my dad what's going on or why I may be mad, but not her. I said "well, I tell you about school and other things like that which make me mad or stress me out." She said that there's a lot more I tell my dad. I was totally being bold tonight and maybe it was because she was rubbing my head. How relaxing is that? Seriously. I proposed that there were a lot of things I don't think she'd understand and I'm still trying to figure out myself. She said that she just wants to be there to talk and it bothers her that I'm not as open to her with my dad. My mom said when we talk it is always her pushing the conversation, and as of late, over the past year or so that is the truth. I have distanced myself out of fear of letting that little secret out. But also when I find myself annoyed by certain things like that she insists on saving everything it bothers me, so rather than talking about it I distance myself or will criticize and show my disgust. I have been harsher towards her.

Sitting there, I was just about to let it all go. I wasn't prepared though, and I caught myself. I could have easily said "mom, I'm gay," and I think it could have flowed and would have been rather easy after the conversation we had just had. I could have said "well, I could clear some of the stuff up about distancing myself and not talking to you- I'm worried you'd reject me because I'm gay." I just didn't feel right because I wasn't prepared. I'd like to talk more with my mom just about life, what's going on with me, my thoughts, friends, and things like that, then maybe drop the ball. Hopefully we can have one of these convos. again soon and I can open up more about my life. Just maybe talk, tell her what is going on with friends, my worries about school/after school (which is something I tend to not talk about with her and I do go to dad for).

The issue mom is being left in the dark on this week is my sister is mad at me (still over being busted the other night, which is not my fault). I called her out for flooding the bathroom the other day and she got upset. She told me I was gay, and threatened me. Don't think I blogged about it, but I did not handle the situation well. It really made me feel hopeless. My sister threatened to tell my dad I was gay, and did in fact tell my dad I was. He just kind of told my sister to not cause any problems and that wasn't true. I could probably go to my mom and say sis is teasing me, causing problems, and this is what she is saying. But my mom will want to know what and if I say that I'm gay, then I'll have to do damage and rumor control. I fear that if I say that's not true, then when I do come out that'll be a lie, so that's a no go. So mom is in the dark on that.

But seriously, something like this, or like me having a "nightmare" and waking up crying, or upset I think would be a coming out scenario I could handle. I think I've mentioned this before but the nightmare scenario has sort of happened before with my mom a few months back, but I couldn't say the words. I remember being frustrated back in May because of family circumstances and was worried I'd have to come out right then and there, and that was going to be how I would do it. I still think that would be the best way because my mom will see how upset I am, how much I'm hurt, how I'm losing sleep, how I'm worried that she won't accept me, how I'm sick over it, and how this is affecting my sleep. I think if I could come out and just present it like that she'll totally have my sympathy. The reason I didn't do something like that was tonight was a school night and she has to get up in a couple hours and I didn't want to deal, but also I didn't feel ready on my end because that's not the only thing I'm not being open with to her.

The situation tonight would hopefully mimic the situation with me having a nightmare. I could just onload onto her everything going on and bothering me and go reason by reason. It is coming............... I think..................... ****

I think I'd definitely be able to gain my mom's sympathy and to be able to show her how much her not knowing and how worried I am about her finding out is driving me crazy, causing this nervousness, causing this uneasiness, causing this hiding, causing me tons of stress, she'll be more inclined to take pity and be less judgmental and she'll be more in the moment rather than thinking ahead, asking 10000 questions or just being upset. The upset part is bound to come, but I think if I could play off something like that at first, then let the other part come later it would be better just because she sees how the issue has torn me up- like where sexuality is not a choice or something that can easily be changed.

It is 11:58p.m. right now, been typing this for 30 minutes or so, maybe sleep will come.