Down and disconnected

This quarter at school finds me more and more disconnected from everyone. I have more time as in I'm not doing homework in all my free time. But the thing is I'm feeling a disconnect from everyone- Gonzo (no surprise with her schedule), my family, The Guy (he's been depressed lately and doesn't want to see anyone), friends in general, and people to talk to in general.

At work it is getting worse because of Trish. I detest her and I've met her a total of 3 times. The problem is that she is working the same hours I do. Before she came Gonzo and I were pretty much together on Mondays and we could talk about anything (as you guys have witnessed) and I love that. I love that interaction.

I really want to see more of Gonzo, especially to get the ball rolling. Ugh. I at least want someone to know and I know she will take it well probably, so I'm frustrated because I want to tell her NOW and it is not like I haven't tried.

At school I don't know anyone in my classes; that's the case every quarter. I know people in my Spanish class since we've had classes together in the past, but they're not people I care to hang out with. It's not that I am being stuck up, but really these people are of no interest to me.

My internship is fine. I am getting to know the people in the office, but still feel a little awkward there, but am fitting in.

I talk with my friends online all the time on IM and that's cool because we're not always able to see each other because of college, but I appreciate that. Online is great because we're staying connected, but I really crave human face to face interaction.

My family is another issue. There are days I come home and after being gone for 12 hours want to do nothing but lay in my room, watch TV. I am not one to spend endless amounts of time in my room, so I am surprised my parents haven't noticed something is up. I think my mom has and she understands how I am drained after my long days; and yes that is true. I come home and eat dinner with the family, tell them about my day, then retreat to my room to relax and mope around.

I find I'm increasingly frustrated at my sister- she does nothing. I have sat out to change that, but her half-assed cleaning doesn't cut it. I find myself more frustrated as the days go by for not doing everything- doing everything half-assed. Laziness is another thing that makes me upset. I am anything but lazy. I can't stand sitting and doing nothing. She can and it is perfectly acceptable. If she would take responsibility and do some cleaning it would be greatly appreciated by everyone. Ugh. She talks about how she has it so difficult because she has to take a car, a train, a bus to school, and they're not always 100% reliable. She talks about how she has soooo many classes. On her days off she can sit around all day and watch ESPN, write letters to her best friend who is in bootcamp in the NAVY (she writes 2-3 letters a day to her), and then she does homework about 8p.m. at night. I wish I could sit on my ass all day like that. I wish I could do nothing and have the world pass me by. I wish I could feel as guiltfree as she does by doing nothing.

Ok- maybe I'll cut the bitch a little slack because she's new to the college scene. But I'm taking a 20 unit maximum load (my internship is 8 units and I'm taking 3 classes on top of that), working, helping around the house, interning, dealing with little family things as they happen. Now, tell me your life is hard. My life is not hard; BUSY YES, but I can manage and keep up; so I don't complain. I am making it sound like I'm tired here in this post and drained because I am and I don't think it should be; but overall my daily routines are manageable and when I'm out doing things I feel much different because I'm not here at home moping. At work I'm fine, my internship I'm fine, but school I feel nothing but sadness being there. I still can have a social life for the mostpart.

I'm moping around for several reasons- one is I'm thinking more and more about coming out. I want the freedom to meet other people, but it is hard with my parents not knowing. I've skirted around this before as well know and still am. But I am pretty sure if I do come out everything won't be roses. My mom will have a real hard time with it for so many reasons as I've mentioned before like it is against the bible, I won't be having kids, then the negative things associated with homosexuality like STDs. I have got over the fear that I might not be the perfect child with good grades, stuff like that if I do come out. I am not worried about that because I know I haven't changed who I am- I still will have the good grades, I'll still be the son who can juggle work, school, and who does so much to help out around the house. I just know that my mom won't take it well. I feel sad I'm hiding this part of my life. It is not that I would flaunt it, but I would at least be able to seek out a relationship maybe. I am reasonably sure my mom would try to restrict where I go and be more curious once she finds out, which is why I should wait until I have my apartment. Coming out is also hard when I am reliant on my parents for a lot of things like a place to live, insurance, stuff like that. I am sure my dad would be supportive and continue to pay, but my mom again.

I have no physical contact with anyone- even a hug or kiss would be greatly appreciated.

I am gone from home most days from 7:00a.m.-5:30p.m. or sometimes later. I don't see my family in the morning because there is no reason for me to get out of my nice warm bed even though I am up when they leave. Then at night, I don't care to see them as bad as that sounds, but I'm just worn down and drained.

I'm drained because I'm not truly happy. My internship is kind of boring, but I think of it as the experience I'm gaining. School is not fun and I don't enjoy being there. I just feel so sad there where I don't know anyone and nobody tries to meet anyone. Work is fun, but long, the coworker is the least of my issues, but she adds to the disconnect. If I enjoyed any of this, it would be much more refreshing.

I love to sing in the car, but every song seems to be so depressing that I don't want to be in my car and for someone who drives as much as I do, that's a bad thing. I can't listen to Rihanna/Pink/Travis without thinking about The Guy. I can't listen to the Beach Boys without thinking about Gonzo since she is always singing Beach Boys songs. I can't listen to any sappy Tim McGraw like "If You're Reading This." The Fray sound depressing. Just thinking about songs I heard today "I'm Into Something Good" by Herman's Hermits reminds me of being with someone, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, and stuff like that all remind me of people and being with people. I am able to listen to Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons without being reminded of anything and the mood of that music is generally upbeat, so that's cool, but still... I find myself turning off so much lately and getting so frustrated in the car.

I don't want anybody to pity me. I can handle this. I am just in a slump and I'll be fine soon. I just don't like this feeling of alienation and being so far away from everyone. Hiding part of my life. Hiding in my room and moping. I want to be out there with friends, with people, with the world. I know I'm good at not showing my emotions and how fed up I really am on the outside. I'm good at hiding my emotions. 2 people (Gonzo and Jenn) are the only people who know in real life that I'm so busy and feel like I have no time. It's just not something I care to advertise. I don't care to advertise it here either, but I do feel better by getting it out of my system. I am however optimistic despite all of this, I try to look at the best, but it is just so dang hard when this disconnect with everyone is becoming the day to day thing.