Fallen for Josh

The Guy and I had planned to hang out on Tuesday, but Josh I later had an emergency. He failed his EMT test by 1 question and was really bummed. The Guy made him brownies, took them to his house, then they proceeded to make out for a while. Then Tuesday night they went to a basketball game with some trainers from the gym. Tuesday afternoon was a no-go. I was a little frustrated, but I knew we'd hang out for a nice long day Thursday. I'm also glad it was today because we cleared the uneasy tension that was in the air. We planned that today we would hangout for a few hours to talk, then he'd go to his exercise class at 6:30, then Josh and Jeff would come over for some WOW.

The Guy is one of those friends who I can tell when something is wrong. I can tell it in his voice and over the phone the past week or so I have experienced it. I knew it was all because of Josh. Josh, for those not keeping record is his personal trainer, the straight guy, with a girlfriend.

I texted The Guy after 1:30 when I got off work that I was on my way. He said that was perfect. I get to his place and he is sort of engrossed in the new Warcraft expansion pack. He had just got it an hour ago. Zach calls him a minute or two after I arrive, so they talk for a few minutes. I feel the awkwardness in the air and I become bitchy. Why? Who knows... I know The Guy is like this because he is having a hard time. He tells me that in a few minutes I'll be ready to play. I say bitchily that I need the disk, then I need help, I need to know where to go in the game, what to do, etc. I ask that we install quest helper and other things. He jokes about how I sound so hopeless and I make it sound like it is all of his fault. I was joking, and he knew it. It isn't out of my character to be bitchy like that, but the tension in the air was bothering me, so that was my response I guess. The Guy brings out a watch to show me that he said he bought to give to Josh the weekend they are in Vegas. He asked if it was overkill. Zach said it was. I said yes. The Guy told me about his presentation. Josh is so worried about his looks, The Guy was planning to have him preen himself in front of the mirror like he usually does before Josh goes out and then say there is something wrong and bring out a Tag Heuer watch. He asks if I know how much it costs. I knew it was expensive because I know The Guy, but said no. He said it was $2,800, but he found it for $1,400, but he didn't pay THAT much even. I said that I think it could wait until Christmas.

The Guy wants to take a nap about 4:50p.m. We go in the living room and he lays on the couch. 2 minutes later he is up and in the bedroom. In the bedroom we talk about me being frustrated with guys and I tell him about the Starbucks date the other day. I joked around with him and told him about how I miss sex with him when we were in the bed together- we weren't close- just at opposite ends. I'd like to think it wasn't me being selfish, but my subconscience or something.

Probably 15 minutes later The Guy is up and says he is tired, but restless. We go out to the jacuzzi and he offers me some shorts to go in. I accept that offer. We get out to the jacuzzi and I continue talking about my frustrations and he understands. Then he talks about how he is so bothered with Josh. He loves Josh. He has fallen for Josh. He is so supportive of him. He is worried though he is becoming too overbearing and his ego is so worried about the future. He can't just be in the moment, but he's worried that he will lose Josh as a friend. He worries that he'll lead Josh on too much and just be hurt. He is worried and he looked like he would cry any moment. He says he just needs to not plan and worry about the future. We talked about how we sense when each other is worried about something wrong and that Josh does it for him, he can do it with me, and with Jeff. I told him how it just hurts me to see how he may be hurt.

Out of the hot tub and 45 minutes pass in there. The Guy goes in, hops in the shower, then I shower after him. He tries on bright blue workout shorts and a white t-shirt for the gym. I joke and tell him to quit changing outfits. He tried a gray top, then a gray top with floofies. I tell him to go with the white. He says it might be too dramatic of a change. The Guy also shaves and brushes his teeth. I tell him to quit obsessing. He says Josh does this for him too. I said look, you're going to the gym. Josh is going to see you one of these days where you're not at your best, so don't worry. You're going to the gym to work out also, and you are to be recognized for going. Most people don't look half as good as you do clothing-wise or body-wise.

He takes off at 6p.m. and I talk to Dan in OKC for a few minutes, tell him about Josh. He is skeptical about Josh having a girlfriend on the side and shocked at how head over heels The Guy has become.

At 7:15 after I get off the computer with Dan I get a call from The Guy. He sounded really winded and I told him that he sounded exhausted. I heard sniffles, then asked what was wrong. He poured his heart out to me that he was the third wheel tonight. He told me how Josh was all over Jackie tonight. There was a comment that Josh made to not worry about anything. The Guy saw how girls were fawning over Josh and how The Guy was definitely the third wheel and he was so hurt. He is better than being the third wheel. He is worried he is constantly giving so much and supporting Josh so much, and he wants to be there for him. I mainly just listened. We talk some more and I put the bug in his ear that you're asking a lot out of Josh. I just said in a very nice way that I was in the same situation Josh was- not out and not accepting my sexuality- and if when I met The Guy we were suddenly dating like this, it would have been very hard family wise and also for myself just accepting my sexuality.

The Guy gets home after getting pizza and he smiles when he sees I brought in the 3 WOW expansion packs he ordered. He stands at the counter and tells me he doesn't know. He is just so lost. He told me how special Josh is to him. He values him for his friendship, the spark he brings, the support, and the happiness. He is scared to death of losing those. I wanted to scream out "THAT WAS ME." That was me with him this summer. He said he didn't know how to present this to Josh without making it an ultimatum of The Guy or Jackie (Josh's girlfriend). We talked and I mainly just listened, but told him how I'd feel. I can see it from Josh's position and I think that's what The Guy needed. I felt really good to be able to talk and we talked about how you don't have to give Josh an ultimatum- just let him know how you feel. The Guy said he is worried of scaring Josh away with this and I said that he's probably feeling the same confused feelings. The Guy said Josh always tells him how strong he is. I just told him to talk it out and let him know how you feel because it is eating you up.

I ate 2 slices of the pizza and Josh calls. He senses The Guy is having a hard time and they say they'll talk about it. I hurry up and get my stuff packed to take off. We do hug a couple times before I leave. We hug in the living room, we hug in the kitchen in the dining area, and then over by the washer and dryer. When we're standing in the living room I tell him "thank you for being the kind of friend you want to be for Josh (in reference to the friendship, the spark he brings (making me want to do better, making me excited to talk to him, etc.), and happiness. He had a huge smile afterward.