Bonding with my kids over music

I always enjoy being in the classroom and discussing music with the kids. I'm that guy that knows all about the artist and background for writing the songs, even if I don't like the song.

So obviously I know about Tupac, and yes, he is alive; I taught him I tell the kids, and we go out to dinner regularly.

So what's weird is I work in a largely hispanic area, and this year I'm bonding with 3 of my annoying hispanic kids over country music. I will go so far as to play country music for them if they shut up and do their work... Here's the songs they like... I've asked what they like, and its that they sound Mexican, and his a guitar. Apparently this ended up on their youtube playlist, and they like it.





Every year I have kids that absolutely love Riiiitchie, and I love Riiitchie too.

When I was at the middle school, each year, I had kids with his album covers on their folders.

Oh, and while on my Ritchie story, our accountant at work was Lou Diamond Phillips from La Bamba for Halloween.

Some interesting other songs the kids are into this year are:

Sam Cooke


Bobby Vinton


He's so Fine - The Chiffons

And I decided for Halloween this year I'm growing my hair out, dying it black, and am going to be a Greaser.




Dion


Randy and the Rainbows


Johnny Angel

And Doo Wop Diddies like this:


So this past semester my 7th period class was full of these songs on the daily if the kids were doing their work.

Long list, but these are all the songs we played that I specifically recall. I am posting since I was so impressed with their diverse love of the oldies.

Keeping up events

Usually I am the friend in contact with everyone - always messaging asking what's up. I did it all through undergrad, graduate, and now my 2nd graduate credential I seem to be slacking.

I am fine with that. My partner is now our social coordinator - not that he wasn't before - I just went with the flow, but he knows the what and is making the plans with all our friends. I'm the person suddenly that takes hours to respond to a text. It is kind of interesting. I appreciate the random texts/hellos I get from friends who notice I am incommunicado.

We've got some good times coming up -
- Last weekend we were in the desert visiting some friends of my partner's
- This past weekend we were in LA and spent the night there for a flight my partner had this morning. Had a nice brunch yesterday.
- We've got something planned nearly every weekend for the forseeable future.

Honestly I am loving the travel, it is just what I need to keep me sane. It provides an escape.

Because I was a kid of the 90s...

I had to think about what the top toys of the 90s were prior to reading this story. 5-6 came to mind and here's my list:

1. Tomagotchi's/Nano's
2. Furbies - 1998
3. Pogs -1st grade for me
4. Tickle Me Elmos- 1996
5. Beanie Babies
6. Nintendo 64, Sega, Playstation
7. Gameboys

... And here's what the "researchers" said... I got several correct, but no Furby? No Tickle Me Elmo?

The ultimate Mike playlist of the moment

My favorite songs at the moment... some old and some new... take a listen and download




Only the LIVE version is great... the other is alright, but this one is beautiful






only the live version... it just has such a different sound that I love


A country song my grandma used to sing to me that I just heard on Pandora recently after years and years




Another great country song my grandma used to sing to me

Predicting the future

When I was younger I used to have deja vu moments all the time where I had dreams and then later after the event occurred realized it was something I "predicted" per se.

I also felt like many times I knew what would happen each day. Bryan would get in trouble in class, I could see Mrs. P yelling at him. I remember imagining and many times the day played out as imagined.

Now, as I get older I can hardly tell or feel what will happen in the next day, week, month, or even in hours ahead of me.

It is all so unexpected and on one hand it seems scary that I can't realize this stuff, but on one hand it is exciting as this is what I enjoy most about life and the unpredictability.

50 Greatest Songs of the Decade 2000-2010

I got the inspiration after watching CMT's 40 Greatest Songs of the Decade... here's mine. These aren't necessarily my favorite songs, but songs that should be considered when talking about the 2000s as they were revolutionary, really catchy, or had the staying power. It wasn't easy to narrow down my list, but I tried... I am trying in my best musical reviewer/critic spiel, so let's see how this goes... feel free to comment/give opinions. I had such a blast combining my musical knowledge and love for music in compiling this.

These are ranked in no particular order.

Catchy lyrics, eccentric style, and scandalous for the time... she was bold enough to admit she liked "it..." and her popularity still rose!
Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl

With the advent of reality shows, anyone could suddenly rise to super stardom. Thousands vied for their 15 minutes of fame and to show off their singing abilities. Kelly has been one of the most successful, sold among the most records, and has had several musical collaborations with other artists.
Kelly Clarkson- A Moment Like This

She split from Destinys Child to go solo. She has been successful with such hits as Irreplaceable, If I Were a Boy, and even branched into the movies with roles in shows such as Dreamgirls. Beyoncé has proved she can function and be taken seriously in multi media platforms. And how many times in everyday conversation have you found yourself saying "to the left, to the left," after hearing this song?
Irreplaceable- Beyoncé



Unique sound and lyrics. They were one of the first mainstream groups to help define the indie rock scene, the independent label, underground sound.
When You Were Young- The Killers

She has proven to be a fashion statement, has a large gay following, has been compared to Madonna, a social and political statement, everything is a spectacle. Sold out many concert venues, was the first artist who has ever had fans camp out days before to see her perform on the Today Show.
Just Dance- Lady Gaga

Mariah Carey still has staying power, and is still relevant in the 2000s. She can even bring in current pop culture topics like youtube and make them sound sexy in a song.
Touch My Body- Mariah Carey

Adult contemporary artist Michael Buble has a unique sound. This song from the early 2000s suddenly made everyone yearn for home.
Home- Michael Buble

One of now several unique musical collaborations. A rock group uses Timerland, a hiphop artist, to provide a unique sound to their record.
Apologize- One Republic

Remember how long this song was on the charts? Remember how catchy it was, and everyone was suddenly singing it? Remember how it was the rage among all middle schoolers? She seems like pre-Kesha with her bratty lyrics.
Sk8r Boi- Avril Lavigne



Pink can tackle tough issues like the issue of being gay as in songs like "Dear Mr. President," or dependency on pills like in "Just Like a Pill."
Just Like a Pill- Pink

These lyrics still resonate today in everyday conversations. I always offer to let people stand under my umbrella ella ella ay ay.
Umbrella- Rhianna

Is this not the song of the decade? Remember when rehab was cool? Brittany was doing it, Lindsay tried it too, and recently Demi Lovato had a stay. Amy was beyond that, she didn't have the time- she bucked the trend.
Rehab- Amy Winehouse

We were first introduced to this song in Star Trek Enterprise, and everyone was wondering where did this come from? It took me about 2-3 years and a random convo with The Guy to learn it was Russell Watson.
Where My Heart Will Take Me- Russell Watson


A little bit of the Latin flair. Shakira was a latin crossover artist, which was important, as we are becoming increasingly connected. Also, who can forget her strange sexual lyrics, "lucky my breasts are small, so you don't confuse them with mountains?" Small breasts are suddenly sexy?
Whenever, Wherever- Shakira

U2 continued to showcase their staying power with their 2001 hit "Beautiful Day"
Beautiful Day- U2

This group burst on the scene in 2001 with their hit Kryptonite, which had a unique sound, and is still widely played today. And they're from Biloxi MS, of all places.
Kryptonite- 3 Doors Down

Perhaps one of my favorite B&D songs, the guitars, the Spanish lyrics, and who does not like the great harmonies of the duo? With so many great songs it was hard to choose just one!
My Heart is Lost to You- Brooks & Dunn

Chris Cagle creates a great story about a 50 year, or 18,253 love affair. A great country story in a song...
What a Beautiful Day- Chris Cagle

This song stuck on the charts for close to a year and detailed everything Morgan loved about Sunday. This 2005 ballad was an ode to everything Southern- going to church, seeing sweet Ms. Betty who likes to sing off key in the pew behind me, going home to cut the coupons out of the Sunday paper, Sunday dinner with chicken and baked beans... that's what we all like about Sunday.
That's What I Love About Sunday- Craig Morgan

There was a wave of patriotic country songs that came about in 2001 including the obnoxious "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue," from Toby, the reflective "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning," from Alan Jackson, and then you have this tribute from Daryl Worley...
Have You Forgotten?- Daryl Worley

A pop artist crosses over into country music, and is pretty successful at it. He always had a country sound to his voice. He grew up not only listening to country artists much to his brothers and sister's displeasure, but also listened to other white boy stuff like KISS. A long way from his Hootie and the Blowfish days with the song that propelled him onto the country charts.
Don't Think I Don't Think About This- Darius Rucker

While not as popular as Carter's song "Strawberry Wine," there was something sexy about this one too, as she danced in a pair of briefs in her bedroom.
There's No Limit- Deana Carter



They were at the top of the world with their catchy lyrics, great vocals, and songs that made you long for a cowboy to take you away...
Cowboy Take Me Away- Dixie Chicks

There was that controversy where they were ashamed they were from Texas during a concert performance, where they were making a statement against the war. This one moment turned their whole life around. This brilliant song chronicles the experience.
The Long Way Around- Dixie Chicks

This one hit wonder from 2005 is an international hit still being played on the radio today that was made popular during American Idol's 5th season.
Bad Day- Daniel Powter

One of those catchy country/pop crossover hits from the 2000s. Breathe and This Kiss are two that you can still readily find on either pop or country radio today. And who knew that you could describe a kiss with such cool words like centripical motion? If that's what a kiss is, I want one...
This Kiss- Faith Hill

Despite going to Hollywood and taking a role in Stepford Wives, despite being on all of the magazine covers, despite being married to the sexiest man in country music, Faith Hill stays true to her roots in Mississippi Girl. She describes herself as someone who still likes wearing her old ballcap and riding her kids around piggy back. This hit was written by John Rich of Big and Rich.
Mississippi Girl- Faith Hill

He spent much of the 2000s raising his kids and being married to the lovely, Trisha Yearwood. Garth came out of retirement in the late 2000s to record and skyrocket to number 1 with this hit. It is a tale of being so enamored with someone and them being more than a memory.
More Than A Memory- Garth Brooks

With the advent of reality TV, you had American Idol, then Nashville Star. While George Canyon never received super stardom, this song was significant in the advent of 15 minutes of fame from reality television.
I'll Never Do Better Than You- George Canyon



Hicktown suddenly became the place everyone wanted to go where he made mudding, and other hick recreation sound cool. He's followed it up with several other hits along that line like "Big Green Tractor," and every girl suddenly wanted to go for another ride on his big green tractor. Aldean has a way of making southern activities sound cool.
Hicktown- Jason Aldean

This song sort of made country cool in the early 2000s with lyrics that focused on what it was like to be young, heading to the rapids with some discount beer, and other shenanigans that typify being young.
Young- Kenny Chesney

A group to form in the late 2000s, this was the first hit off of their sophomore album, and their 4th single that propelled them to super stardom crossing over on the pop charts. The first few beats and the song is instantly identifiable.
Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

A group of 3 hunky guys with more than a dozen hits under their belts, this one is a tribute to their fans...
Here's To You- Rascal Flatts

Kelly Clarkson wrote the song and claimed it was about the cycle of parents and children going back and forth, and their influence on one another. This was written during her parent's breakup, which had a great impact on her. Reba sang the song later in a duet with Clarkson, and the song took on a new meaning. The song made #2 on the Hot Country Charts, but wasn't without controversy. Some thought this was Kelly's downfall, others thought it was Reba in trouble, others recognized this track appeared on her duets CD.
Because of You- Reba McEntire

This trio burst onto the scenes in the mid 2000s with their hit "Baby Girl," which chronicled one's journey from rags to riches while trying to be successful in the music business. It had a catchy sound and true to life lyrics. This trio had some fallout, but is still as successful as ever as a duo with their current album, "The Incredible Machine," with songs that are a departure from their traditional country. The unique sound and amazing voice of Jennifer Nettles has helped make this group successful.
Baby Girl- Sugarland


I need Faith. I need Tim. Faith, Tim, Faith, Tim. Which is it? It's hard to decide when you have this hot country couple paired together. Though they each have separate careers, when they are paired together, the collaboration, and love is evident between them.
I Need You- Faith Hill and Tim McGraw

This is one of those songs that touches a nerve because of the time in your life when you realize you are getting older. McGraw first heard this song as he was dealing with the loss of his father. The delivery of this song makes you feel all of the emotion in Live Like You Were Dying.
Live Like You Were Dying- Tim McGraw

Remember Missy Elliott rhyming about her badonkadonk in her song "Work It?" Who knew it would sound just as good, if not better, in a country song? This song seems to have mass appeal.
Honkytonk Badonkadonk- Trace Adkins

Fun, downhome, simple lyrics, and no nonsense pretty much describes the Zac Brown Band. This song is what skyrocketed their careers.
Chicken Fried- Zac Brown Band

Heard on soft rock and country stations, this song made one reminisce, and it is what every mother wants for their kids.
I Hope You Dance- LeeAnn Wommack

Front man Adam Levine and his unique voice help make Maroon 5. They burst on the scenes in 2002 with their debut Songs About Jane and are still around today with their latest hit Misery.
Makes Me Wonder- Maroon 5

This is again one of those songs you hear the first few beats and know it is Viva La Vida by Coldplay. It is catchy and is still played all over today. How many people actually know the lyrics of this song or the religious imagery used? It is definitely a song known more for its sounds.
Viva La Vida- Coldplay


A pop song that brought together 4 very different artists and accompanied the 2001 movie.
Lady Marmalade- Pink, Christina Aguleria, Maya, and Lil Kim

Mass pop culture following, performance artist, catchy lyrics, huge gay following; the question is who is not following her? Lady Gaga's 2008 song Paparazzi that begged the question do we kill the stars or do they kill themselves?
Paparazzi- Lady Gaga

Arguably one of the best guitar players of this era, his combinations of blues and harmony have made his songs distinctive. John Mayer kept the 2000s alive with his controversies over things like twitter, his relationships with Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, and others. He kept us dreaming in the 2000s with his song "No Such Thing."
No Such Thing- John Mayer

Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, she's Jenny from the block, your down home Bronx girl who has stayed true to her roots and wants to remind you her love don't cost a thing. Remember, she's now a judge on Idol, and now you've gotta win her over.
Love Don't Cost a Thing- JLo

One of the big mainstream hits for Jason Mraz that is still being played today. Its catchy, carefree lyrics and sound made it one of Mraz' most popular songs.
I'm Yours- Jason Mraz

A rock front girl and a rapper team up and this is what you get. The catchy poppy crossover hit of the 2000s.
The Sweet Escape- Akon and Gwen Stefani

Do you want a piece of her? Your favorite American dream who stepped onto the scene when she was 17, the one who was married for 72 hours, shaved her head when she had a breakdown, and caused her father to be her conservative for a time? Despite all of that she did rear 2 children, she dealt with the paparazzi who's pissing her off, and we still love her- and still want a piece of her. We loved her in 2008 with her hit Piece of Me.
Piece of Me- Britney Spears

So are there any that I missed? Ones that you disagree with? Comment away! I'm anxious to see!

Knotts- 1 year later

Some of you may remember I first hinted to Gonzo that I was gay. Remember, she was the first person I told. Well, here we are one year later and we just had our annual Knotts trip. It is for the program we tutor for. So how was the trip?

Here's some highlights. I picked her up at her house at 5:30. We drove down there and I was singing whenever we weren't talking. I let out a squeal when Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" came on the radio and Gonzo said "what was that? You just did not do that." I laughed and started singing. She told me that my singing was weak, so I really got into it and she finally concluded on a scale of 1-10 I got a 5. I sang some Lonestar, "Amazed," and some Leona Lewis. Gonzo spent a good portion of the time driving down the highway looking through my radio stations for a song to sing, but became disgusted and gave me the radio back for me to plague her with country music. I remember around State College on the 91 Taylor Swift's "Picture to Burn" came on the radio and I had to sing that. I told her it is about an angry 18 year old girl who has relationship issues. All of her songs are about guys and relationships. She agreed she was angry and I told her about Joe Jonas and Taylor Swift being the entertainment guru I am. She told me I sound like a mad, angry, white woman singing that. We talked about Gonzo liking Chris Brown and how sexy he is. Gonzo also sang "The Way I Are."





On the way down we also talked about work, all the gossip there, and school. We talked about family like her mom, sisters, and my familia. I told her about my recent dates and everything going on in that department.

We got to Knotts at 6:40 and the party we were chaperoning started at 7. Our boss invited us over to Claim Jumper for helping her out. Her thing is if you go to Knotts, Mr. C, her husband treats. I had the best lettuce wedge salad and loaded Idaho potato with cheese, chicken, and zucchini. Mrs. C and the rest of the teachers didn't arrive until 7:30, so that gave Gonzo and I a good 30 minutes to talk about random stuff. We talked about my mom and her school coming. We talked about food and more about school. We also talked about how we've known each other since elementary school, hated each other, and then we didn't know each other well, even in Senior year, but we were instant friends once we were both hired as tutors and were inseparable. We talked about kids that we've tutored and things like that. Gonzo used to hang out with the Mexican group and the big school bully in elementary school, she was a tough little girl back then.

Mrs. C and her hubby arrived, Mrs. F and her hubby arrived, and new tutor Marcy, whom is Mrs. F's sister. We had back-to-back booths because of the wait. We talked about things like the Knotts trip, the prom the year I graduated and what a catastrophe Mr. C thought it was. We talked about plays. We talked about how we're not the party type. We talked about our alcoholic beverages of choice- none of us are big drinkers- we're all content with margaritas. We talked about computers. Also talked about Gonzo at my college and how she is liking it, and her interest in learning languages like Arabic. Mr. C paid for dinner as I said and it was SOOOOOO DELICOUS. It was after 9p.m. before we were done talking and eating dinner. Afterward, we all trekked down to Starbucks for coffee to help keep us awake because we were going to all be up until at least 2a.m.

We finally made it to Knotts at 10p.m. Mrs. C wanted to ride Pony Express, the new rollercoaster where you're sitting on miniature horses. In line we talked about WII, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and phones. Mrs. C and I compared iPhones and talked about our favorite apps. All I can say is good myspace photos because of the minitature horses. Mrs. F and Mrs. C thought the ride was just perfect- not scary and not too jiggly. I was of the opinion it was too short. We made our way to the bumper cars, then to Boomerang. Long 1 hour wait at Boomerang. It was ridiculous. Mrs. C suggested it, then decided to not go on it 15 minutes after we were standing in line. Mrs. F also bailed, but she at least waited in line with us. We were annoyed at having to wait so long- it was 11:30 before we were out of line. Anyways, Gonzo and I spent time looking around in line at horrible fashions, horrible haircuts, and things like that. One guy had a Fresh Prince haircut, another girl had an eyebrow piercing that made her look like the devil, one tutor at her boyfriend's school he tutors at was in line with her group and she looked like she was having the most miserable time and not interacting with the kids. How sad.

After that long line we made our way to Fiesta Village for La Revolucion. This is where the group split up. Gonzo and I were the only ones who wanted to go, so Mr. and Mrs. F, Mr. and Mrs. C, and Marcy all went on Jaguar. Then they watched us after we got on La Revolucion. We got major cuts in line- the workers asked if there was a group of 2 and we happened to hear them standing at the back of the line and they let us go. We waited maybe 5 minutes. My mom's students from her school were behind me and they were jealous I think. On La Revolucion I was having the greatest time. Gonzo was across from me and she was giggling, we were making funny faces, and I wasn't holding on, enjoying that feeling of weightlessness. Too fun!!!

After we walked through Camp Snoopy over to Silver Bullet. Again, Gonzo and I were all alone, but that was ok. The others found something else to do. We waited in line with the only 2 kids from our school that we saw the entire night. I got to talk to Art, a student who I remember when he was a freshmen. He didn't do any work, he was told he was in danger of failing, and then worked really hard and got the most improved award in 2nd semester. Now he has a 3.84GPA and is soooooo outgoing. After this ride it was 1:00a.m.

Gonzo and I make our way to the car and it is 1:30 when we get there. On the way home we talk about how fun it was, then how I'm so good with freeway driving, and know the freeway system soooo well. On HOT92.3 they play "If I Were a Boy" by Beyoncé and Gonzo sings along. She let out a slight scream saying she really liked the song. I laughed, asked what it was, then put it back on. After the song was over, she informed me my homework was to go home and look at youtube for the video, then download the song. The song is catchy enough that I'm sure it will be downloaded in the near future.



Gonzo made the comment that she was soooooo worried about me last year after I first told her what I did about how I was gay. She was worried that I'd have to hide and bottle up all of my anger. She began asking questions like "who have I told?" "What kind of guys do you go for?" She also asked other questions about sexuality and I told her that basically now, if asked, I'm comfortable enough to not deny it and just tell. She was happy about that. We talked about my sister and how annoying she is and how she taunted me about sexuality a few months back causing Gonzo to lose all respect she had for my sister. We talked about tolerance, the Bible's stance on homosexuality, how we both view homosexuality as just another sin. She talked about how she read what I mentioned the other day on my blog about the Anti-Christ possibly being homosexual since Prop 8 came up and my mom's views on that. She said that she doesn't believe that part of the Bible and she was able to tell me that she read the piece and how Daniel in the Bible talks about the views of the future. We talked about my mom's response with Prop 8. We talked more about sexuality and guys. She asked a bunch more questions that I can't recall. She did ask in the middle if I was ok with her asking and I told her of course since they weren't like real prying or stuff to make me uneasy.

I drop her off at 2:25a.m.

I get home at 2:35 and I figure well, my dad and sister are SOUND asleep, so I'll get a shower and go to bed. I was starved, so I warmed up some homemade pizza my mom made earlier in the week and ate in my room. Then I took a shower. I was so tired and ready to crash. My mom gets home at 3:45 or so and I awaken to talk.

It was 4a.m. when I finally got to bed. I woke up at 7:30 and dozed until 9a.m. I'm exhausted now, but again, I can't sleep tonight.

One of my favorite things

A transistor radio- I got this from my grandpa after he died. I love this little radio. Some nights when I can't sleep I lay in bed listening, playing, seeing where the farthest away radio station is I can pick up. I can almost always get KCBS AM out of San Francisco, KGO AM out of San Jose, and KKOH AM out of Reno Nevada- all are news stations. I'm in Southern California, so that is awesome. The radio however doesn't pick up AM radio stations out of Los Angeles well that have strong signals like KFI AM 640, KNX 1070 AM, and KFWB 980 AM.

Sex at 3a.m.

The Guy IM'd me Saturday morning at 10a.m. or so. He was "working" at home for the day- supposed to be working on the website for his dad's business, but he was busy with other things. He was working on paying all of his past due bills and wanted me to come over, hang out, and he said he would help me out with my Mac.

I brought him a breakfast burrito from the Mexican food place up the street from him and water from CVS since he asked.

When I got to his place, he was working on his bills. We sat around talking and just enjoyed each other's company. I took his dog for a walk. We played some City of Villains, then took a break to go get drinks, popcorn, and string cheese. The Guy asked to use my cell phone when we were out driving to call Aaron. He was trying to impersonate me on the phone, which he didn't do a good job. My voice is very hard to impersonate- it is high and twangy, whereas The Guy's voice is much lower. Aaron was going out with friends, so didn't want to come over to hang out. The Guy and I went to get Chinese food. I had to pay since they didn't accept ATM. No big deal- I was hoping I could after all The Guy has done for me to help me with my Mac.

The Guy and I watched MY13 while playing City of Villains after we returned from getting snacks. We were watching informercials and The Guy ordered a product that Jane Seymour was advertising to get rid of wrinkles. I had to laugh and make fun of him that he considered ordering it, asked for my opinion, and then believed the gimmicks in that. HAHA. We watched some Dr. Phil house type show where couples in trouble live together. They were a gay couple who were former reality TV stars having problems. The Guy and I sat there laughing, making fun of them, and stuff like that. During this show, The Guy asked where the remote was. It was on the coffee table at my foot. I passed it to him. He blamed me for having it and having to watch the terrible show. I said that I could take some of the blame, but that I don't know how to work his Tivo, so he has some of the blame also. He laughed and said that we sound like a couple since I was sharing in the blame, which acknowledging shortcomings and faults were brought up in this show. We also watched the Enrique Iglesias concert.

At midnight I was starved. The Guy and I decided In-N-Out was the only place open and he doesn't like fast food. I was tired of playing the game and wanted to leave ASAP. In-N-OUt was a way to get away and I rushed down there for 2 double doubles, animal style fries, and a cheeseburger and animal style fries for me. The Guy gave me a $50 to pay with, but they only accept bills of $10 or less after 10p.m., so I had to ATM it. The Guy laughed when I got back that he got 3 meals all paid for by me and that was such a good deal.

The Guy had asked me- or at least hinted for me to stay the night, so I called my parents on the way to In-N-OUt saying I was hanging out with my friends Steve and Mike and we were getting dinner at In-N-OUt, and of course since it was midnight and In-N-Out always has such a long wait, plus we have to sit and talk and dinner, and stuff like that it would be really late when I get home, so maybe I should stay the night- Actually my mom suggested I stay the night.

The Guy had plans to stay up all night and play the computer game. I didn't. I was tired at 1:00a.m. and knew I was going to stay the night because he asked me to basically. I just can't see sitting around all day and night playing that game, so instead of flat out telling The Guy I was tired of playing I got bitchy. It didn't help that we were losing connection on the game, Windows decided to update, and stuff like that just made me more frustrated and added to the bitchiness. His friend kept insisting we run into fight scenes and we ended up dying. I was frustrated. His friend also kept making sexual references all night as they were talking back and forth on Ventrilo while playing the game and his friend was talking about fucking a guy the night before and stuff like that. This friend lives about 15 minutes from me I found out. Finally we decided at 3:00a.m. one more mission and that would be it. WHEW!!! Throughout all of this, we watched "Brokeback Mountain."

At 3:15a.m., his friend texted The Guy and said to get on Yahoo messenger. I went to the bathroom and as I was coming back, see The Guy sitting in the chair watching his friend jacking off on webcam. The Guy made fun of his friend saying how low that is, but how horny he apparently was. His friend was not a hot site, but did have a big dick. The Guy said he was turned on and he had a tent in his shorts. I was turned on also. The Guy started rubbing his crotch and mine. Then he pushes my head down to his crotch and I suck his dick. When his friend finishes up, The Guy puts his dog in the crate, and we go off to the bedroom. We strip and get on the bed. I suck him while he is rubbing my back. The Guy gets the lube out and tells me to finger him. The Guy is a top and does not like to be fucked, so I was surprised he was asking me to finger him. He told me what to do- start out with 1, 2, and then 3 fingers. He has fingered me a couple times before, but I'm not a fan of it. The Guy was soon fingering me while I was doing the same to him and it actually wasn't too bad I think because there was soooo much lube on his hands. We grind on the bed and just enjoy the body contact with each other for several more minutes. The Guy is hilarious and after we were grinding on each other said he thought he came and for me to suck him. I was like "wow, here he goes again and I haven't got off once," but The Guy realized he didn't have an orgasm, but it felt like it. After I sucked him he took hold and jacked himself off until he shot his load. I jacked myself off and he put his legs on me and squeezed my left hand as I did it. I had the best orgasm- loved having his body on mine. After, we got a towel and cleaned off, though a shower may have been more appropriate.

The Guy gave me a pair of his shorts to sleep in, then we were off to bed. We went to bed about 4a.m. and slept until 10 of 8. I slept all night without waking up to The Guy's snoring, which goes to show how tired I was. The dog lay in between us. The Guy and I got up and he joked how he likes to have a couple hour devotional with Jesus on Sunday mornings. I laughed. The devotional consisted of playing more COV, this time without his friend, which was nice. I enjoyed it a lot more because The Guy was much more willing to help me out. The Guy made us bagels for breakfast, which were delicious. Instead of toasting them he put them in a pan with a little butter to get crispy. They were good!

We played more COV after breakfast and when his friend came on around 10a.m. We had Round Table pizza for lunch; they have the best vegetable pizza (and I'm not a vegetarian). Then we played more COV. We watched "Steel Magnolias" while eating breakfast and COV. I knew The Guy liked the show and probably had it memorized line for line like most of his other favorite shows, and this was no exception. This is the one show that I always break down and cry when I watch. I remember my parents watching "Steel Magnolias" all the time when I was little, so I know the lines of the show and was reciting them with The Guy. It wasn't until I saw it performed at my dad's school in a theater production when I was in 6th grade or so that I realized how sad of a show it is and put the whole show together and comprehend it. I remember shedding some tears during the play. That was when my dad started calling it the "5 kleenex box show." I did break down and cry as much as I tried to avoid it today by acting like I was interested in the computer game, but it really is a sad show. HAHA... the softer side of me.

We watched "Keeping The Faith" after, and I had seen this before. My mom likes it. The Guy asked if it was any good and I said it was cute, so we kept it on. He laughed saying it was very funny and cute. There are some pretty good lines in that show. We also watched "The Legend of Bagger Vance," "Something Has To Give," "Emma," and "The Wedding Planner."

I got a little tired of playing about 5p.m. I really don't like sitting all day feeling like I have done nothing. Going up a level or two, or three in a game means nothing to me. I like tangible results and a sense of satisfaction when I can say "I've accomplished _____ today." I told The Guy I was going to take off. As I was standing at the corner of the living room walking to the bathroom, The Guy said just the sweetest thing. He looked me in the eyes and said "Mike, thanks for this weekend. I really enjoyed everything I did with you." I looked at him and told him thank you and how much I appreciate him helping me with the stuff on my Mac, for hanging out, and everything else.

I sat around and watched him play for about an hour and a half more, then took off. I hugged him and thanked him again. I really appreciate him in so many ways. I was thinking about that on the way home tonight and I was thinking how I want to give him a card for Valentine's Day just to say thank you and how much I appreciate him. Yes, I'm in a real sappy mood tonight. It's all good though. The Guy said it was because we were watching romance and sad movies all day.

I got home at 7:30 tonight and my parents joked that I just came home for a change of clothes. HAHA.

Merry Christmas/Christmas traditions

I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

I also wanted to post about a couple of Christmas traditions in my family:

- We always make grandma's molasses oatmeal cookies on Christmas Eve

- When I was little, we would open up presents on Christmas Eve from the family and then the presents from Santa would come (without any wrapping) and would be laid over the couch. Now, we just open up presents on Christmas Eve and if there is a big gift from Santa, then we get it on Christmas Day.

- We always spend Christmas Eve baking cookies and have a cookie exchange with 3 families in the neighborhood.


I was talking with The Guy and his family really doesn't shop for each other for Christmas. Him and his brothers exchange gifts. His parents buy everyone underwear, socks, etc. and then his parents hide money for him and his brother to find. They usually end up with about $1,000 a piece. I thought that was interesting, so I had to share.

Velvet Rage on dads and war

On the way back from OKC I read the book Velvet Rage, which Creative Thinker recommended in his blog.

Creative Thinker does a great job breaking down each section of the book and setting it up, but I wanted to elaborate on the parts that struck me. I thought it was a good book, but not everything applied to me because I'm still not out. It did help me see that I am happy for the mostpart in my life because I have managed to avoid a lot of the destruction/esteem issues that the book talks about which gay men face, but see how if I were to pursue guys could avoid a lot of destruction gay men face.

It hurt me to see how my dad and I have had such a hard time relating to each other. We act so different, have such different ideas, have different personalities, senses of humor, and he's more reserved than me. He is very stoic, not one to open up about anything, whereas as you can see here in this blog, I'm very open about everything in my life and I love to chat about everything. I can see in the past year I am one who will stand up for my beliefs and take a stand, whereas my dad will do other things when he gets upset and tends to write a letter to the person, I am getting to the point where I have no problem saying why I'm upset and taking a stand. I'm much more talkative than my dad. I think I show a fun/loving side that I never saw from my dad, which I think is partly because I don't want to be like my dad who doesn't show emotion, who doesn't show all the concern I do.

Last year my dad went to his first army reunion with the men he was in Vietnam with. He reconnected with them after 37 years. My dad was not the emotional type and he never opened up about anything. My mom always said my dad had a hard time and that it was always a "Vietnam sickness." My mom blamed my dad about that for communication issues he has, how he doesn't necessarily tell everyone everything going on in his life, how he doesn't seem so connected to people, how he keeps his distance, how he won't face the problem head on, and for how he builds up his anger that bothers everyone in the family. I could use many painful examples from my life where this is true and how it could be that I'm not close to my dad because of this. I realize that I don't have any of those qualities... I'll tackle the problem head on, I like to be connected to people, and whatnot.

I began to realize in the past year that a lot about my dad also relates to emotions. In Vietnam my dad was forced to suppress a lot of emotions. By going to the reunion and through e-mail with my dad's Vietnam buddies he has became a different person. I did see my dad break down and cry at the reunion when the men were talking once. I heard the stories of war. My dad on the way back said that he has been healed and he has been able to deal with a lot of issues that have plagued him for so long. I saw a new side of my dad. When my dad returned home I saw an attitude change where he treated my mom a whole lot better and he opened up and was more sentimental. There wasn't abuse or anything going on in the family priort to my dad going to his reunion, but if my mom said something, after the reunion he was more sentimental, he seemed like he cared, he offered advice. Before it was just yeah, honey I hear you, a disconnect. My dad even opened up more about his life. I have learned a lot about his years growing up, some stories from Vietnam, just a whole new side of him - - a more emotional side.

I am not close to my dad, don't think I will ever be, but I have seen a changed man in the past year and I credit a lot of this to being able to confront problems he faced in Vietnam and come to grips with emotions thanks to meeting these men again. My dad has opened up more, my dad has been more like a father figure in that when I do have a problem I can tell him something and get feedback. I'm thankful for this, but to have that confirmed in the book was so nice. It said, "to start with our fathers were raised, as we were, to be tough, stable, and emotionally detached. On top of that, many of them were veterans of wars that forced them at a young age to suppress their emotions and to commit unspeakable acts against humanity in the name of patriotism. In sum, many of our fathers grew up in a culture that offered them power in exchange for stoicism and buried emotion" (p 14).

I was thinking on the plane had the internet been as popular and there 15 years ago, if everyone was online, my dad could have connected with his old buddies, began the healing process, opened up more, and maybe I would have a different relationship with him. Maybe he would have showed more of an interest in me (I'm not saying he didn't when I was young because I know he did and he did love me and showed his interest in me, just not in the ways I gues I wanted or been there in ways I had expected), but that maybe he would have been there in more ways and taken a more active role in parenting. My mom was the parent who was the main one involved in raising- she punished us kids when we were little, she checked our homework, all of that. My dad was the one who cooked dinner, would read bedtime stories to my sister and I, and would tickle us endlessly when my sister and I ganged up on him when we were kids. My dad is not a bad man, no, I'm not trying to defend him. He is a great teacher, smart guy, but he does have flaws. I do see how he is a great guy and how he was a good dad, but my focus of this post is how he was not the emotional type and the type of dad I was longing for to shower and hug me, and how I saw through reading this book he has changed in the past year, but also how Vietnam probably had an effect on him.

We got along for the mostpart, but we have not had a great relationship. We have had many fights over the years that have not been pretty. We yell at each other. I admit I used to go out of my way to tick him off and make him mad. I know what I did was wrong and I am willing to acknowledge it, but I can see how a lot of it was out of rage, rage for him not being the caring guy, not being there. I remember a lot of the fights we had was because how he wasn't interested in my mom, how I was worried about divorce, so I would in return treating him badly. I think my parents marriage in the past year has really improved and they have been married over 30 years. Now, my dad and I fight over things like his lack of organization, then the last big fight was about my sister's lack of responsibility, so I see how I have changed also and am picking battles I see as important.

I am not trying to get anyone to take pity on me here, far from that, I'm just sharing thoughts that came into my head while reading the book and telling about a few little events in my chioldhood. What has happened has happened, I can accept that, and have. I am content where I am today. I understand that there were many factors that went into the relationship we had and overall he was not a bad dad, just not the emotional type/showering type I guess I wanted. I know my dad is a good guy deep down. Anytime I need/still need money, he is there. That is one of the ways he shows love. Anytime I have a car problem, he is the one who will try to troubleshoot it. I am just seeing how things could have been different and the book opened my eyes to be able to reflect and see how he has changed in this past year after seeing his army buddies and swapping stories.

I can picture how things could have been different and how maybe he would have been more relatable if my dad had been able to deal with army experiences earlier. I could see that maybe my dad would have been there to teach me to play baseball and encourage me to join little league and all of that little boy stuff. My uncle from Rockford Illinois was the one who taught me to play baseball. I remember getting report cards and my dad would say "I'm proud of you" and leaving it at that. Just in the past year, even though now I'm college I see he acts totally different. He says stuff like "that's great, I know it is much tougher in college," then he'll usually ask about the tougher classes I take and where I went wrong. I see him more interested- whether this is a result of him opening up and being better able to show interest/happiness because he saw his Vietnam buddies I don't know, I can only guess this is a factor and it has only started in the past year, so I can think it may be that. He has shown a new concern I have never seen. I can see how in a year our relationship has got better, but also how it probably will never be great, and not the emotional relationship I crave.

It is sad that because of reasons like war, "most of us grew into our young adulthoods without having had a truly loving, honest, and safe relationship with a man" (p 14). We went to our mothers, I know I did because she "over-validated us to compensate for the betrayal she saw us suffer" (p 15). Maybe I would have felt more comfortable going to my dad to talk, rather than going to my mom. I am closer to my mom. When I got a report card she was excited, call the whole family, brag to friends, and the like. I like that validation, and validation is something everyone needs, so I see why/how my relationship with my mom has prospered. My dad and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things still, but I do see how and why this could have happened, and how things could have been different. I know my dad loved me, but I didn't get the love I feel and saw from my mother. My dad provided a different love. A mom's love I guess is more showering and praising, help, nurture her kids. Whereas with a dad you see he loves you by doing things for you, slipping you money when you need it, helping fix your car, but that is not what I wanted, needed from my dad, and I would argue so many of us needed another kind, more emotional, the same love from our fathers as our mothers gave us because what "you craved from him was love, affection, and tenderness. As we have seen, what most of us received from our fathers was far less" (p124).

I just can't help but wonder how my dad and my relationship could have been different if he could have tackled these emotions earlier from Vietnam, would he provided that loving, emotional attention I so desperately wanted from him? Would him and I have had all those fights we did years back? What would have been different? Would I be a different person today because of that?

Why? Why am I gay/bi/straight whatever?

I like The Guy a lot and don't want to lose him. I like him as a friend and well a friend with benefits. I won't lie. That's pretty much where we're at.

I've just been kinda thinking today as I did stuff around the house. I have read all about what makes a person gay, different theories, different stuff like a certain part of the brain is larger, everyone is a blank slate, etc. Well, I was trying to think back and think when I was first attracted to men and women just because....

Perhaps my sister has a lot to do with it. She was always wanting me to play Barbies with her when I was little. I never did. I'd use the garage in her dollhouse to play cars. I never wanted to play dollhouse. Car-house yes... hah... like that? Anyways, I can remember being little and daydreaming about having a brother to play with and all of the things we could have done. All of my friends had brothers, they were cool, got along, played videogames together, went places together, did stuff. All of them got along great and seemed to agree on everything; whether that was true or not, who cares, why ruin my fantasy when I was a child to have a brother? It really hurt me that I didn't have a brother and I felt out of place. I still want a brother badly. I mean to be there to do guy things, have a brother close in age... when we were little we could have played hot wheels and video games... then as we were in our teen years could have spotted hot girls together... went to the movies together with friends... I am dwelling on the fact I didn't have a brother, but this was a major thing when I was a kid and I remember telling my parents a lot that I wanted a brother. There was a lot you could do with a brother you can't do with a sister... I mean even like language... clean language around a girl... no playing out in the dirt... I lacked a lot of male interaction around the house. Maybe that's why I like guys... I crave that attention that I missed as a kid. Even just sitting with a guy watching a movie is fun because you can oooh and aaaah together about the action, special effects, stuff like that. Whereas when you're with a girl, it is like wasn't that a sweet story? I'm so glad that Johnny and Sue are together... that was sweet. Yes, I can be suckered into watch a chick flick, but that is not my point. My point is outside of my male friends I lacked anyone to talk to about movies etc. My dad isn't into that type of fun stuff... I didn't have a brother to talk to...

My dad and I have never been really close. I know he loves me. I just know my dad wasn't a typical dad- he wasn't Mr. Fix It. He was Mr. Try to Fix It, which never came off as cool as all the other dad's. Anyways, he never had me in sports or anything like all the other dad's. He never taught me to play football, soccer, etc. He is a good guy, don't get me wrong, but I feel that he could have done more to get me involved and help foster my masculinity and teach me guy stuff. I'm not saying I'm not masculine because I feel I am, but I'm saying that he never seemed as in and as cool as all the other dad's. Maybe it is because this goes back to male attention... I feel my dad could have done more and been there more to get me more involved and done guy things with me.

I do remember random things when I was little like taking swimming lessons at the community college and going in the guys and girls locker room because I was young enough to do both. The guys locker room always interested me I guess because the guys in there seemed so cool. I mean the guys I remember were showering, laughing, talking, stuff like that and that stuck with me. In the women's locker room I remember there were booths with like little partitions and curtains and it just seemed blah... but was it this that made me interested in guys? I don't know... I don't know if this has any relevancy... I'm just bouncing some random thoughts that have been in my head lately.

In middle school and high school the locker rooms were eh... I mean you go in and change into pe clothes and that's it. No big deal.

When did I start noticing an attraction in guys? I guess it was maybe 8th grade or so and I don't remember being any indicator or anything like "ooh I suddenly like guys." I remember it being more of a stage as where I liked to be around guys and hang out etc.

I remember being with my best friend many days at his house looking at porn on the computer in his room and his parents bedroom... he was daring... heh. Anyways, the females were hot I'll admit, but I just didn't get the spark that guys gave me. I know what a hot woman looks like... nice hair... nice lips... nice large breasts... and yes, a hot woman can turn me on. I guess that's still why I say I like girls. Its also not like I've experimented much beyond kissing with a girl. I still want to, yes, and I think I can be attracted to a girl. In fact, if Gonzo didn't have her boy I'd go with her in an instant and I think I'd be happy. I like girls, yes, because talking to a girl is just soooo easy... say whatever you want... they give you sympathy and offer advice and comfort you. I know even with The Guy I can tell him stuff, but he is just not touchy feely, aaaaw I'm sorry, gooey mushy like a girl is, and I like that aspect in women.

I remember when I finally had my own laptop and I could look at porn. I looked at female porn. I looked at male porn. I remember always being more turned on by the male porn maybe because it was a taboo and I was always a good boy and so this was kind of going against everything?

I guess maybe because this was 10th grade or so and studying AP Euro it seemed like EVERY male we studied had homosexual tendancies and this turned me on I guess to know that male figures in history- some who are guys with pretty important like Leonardo da Vinci, Machiavelli, etc. This intrigued me I guess to see how shunned their behavior was, yet how they were possibly gay etc. I always like knowing interesting tidbits like that.

So anyways, I remember suddenly I was looking at more and more male porn. I mean when you're looking at online porn a woman can have huge breasts, but at a point they look fake, but a male with a 10'' penis, while it may also be fake, it turned me on. What guy doesn't want to be that well endowed?

Well, junior year... I was searching for the perfect girl... prom... I dated girlfriend #1 for about 2 months and I liked her as a friend, but I mean I couldn't see a real relationship partly because we never let ourself get that close because we were good friends and didn't want to ruin that.

Throughout high school most of my friends never really dated and the couple who did dated each other, so dating was never a big deal and my parents knew for the mostpart my friends didn't date, so it is not like there was real pressure on me to. I find myself a very independent person and never really needed a girlfriend to be happy. I was fine going out and doing things with friends and never needed to be touchy feely.

Senior year during the summer I dated girl #2 and she was cool, but again, we were friends and from our circle of friends, so it was nothing serious and nothing beyond kissing.

In college I didn't really search anyone out. I continued looking at male porn online and stuff and that's fine and dandy. I finally about January worked up the courage to contact a guy that seemed cool at my college. He was alright... I mean we met up and stuff once in the library to just hang... then one Saturday night... January 13 to be exact in his dorm where stuff happened. I realized males were easy to comeby and worked up the guts to do more and find a guy... met The Guy in April. I'm so happy I have... not just for the sex... but honestly I was at a point where I was really getting kind of depressed not having any guys to be around. He is a great guy to hang around, he is smart, interesting, and caring. I wasn't expecting to meet anyone like him. Honestly, while I wanted an emotional connection to someone, which he has provided and I'm so thankful for. I guess with guys I was just wanting sex or guys to hang around. I mean working with 8 girls all day, most of the people in my classes were girls that I did talk to, come home talk to my mom and sister. In my group of friends there are about 14 girls and only 5 or 6 guys, so I felt a real need to meet more guys. I'm so glad I've met him... to have another guy to talk with is cool and the attention... both just being around him and the sexual attention is nice.

So I'm not sure there was any point to this post... talk about sexuality... where I realized I liked guys... why I think I'm gay/bi/whatever... I don't know...