Velvet Rage on dads and war

On the way back from OKC I read the book Velvet Rage, which Creative Thinker recommended in his blog.

Creative Thinker does a great job breaking down each section of the book and setting it up, but I wanted to elaborate on the parts that struck me. I thought it was a good book, but not everything applied to me because I'm still not out. It did help me see that I am happy for the mostpart in my life because I have managed to avoid a lot of the destruction/esteem issues that the book talks about which gay men face, but see how if I were to pursue guys could avoid a lot of destruction gay men face.

It hurt me to see how my dad and I have had such a hard time relating to each other. We act so different, have such different ideas, have different personalities, senses of humor, and he's more reserved than me. He is very stoic, not one to open up about anything, whereas as you can see here in this blog, I'm very open about everything in my life and I love to chat about everything. I can see in the past year I am one who will stand up for my beliefs and take a stand, whereas my dad will do other things when he gets upset and tends to write a letter to the person, I am getting to the point where I have no problem saying why I'm upset and taking a stand. I'm much more talkative than my dad. I think I show a fun/loving side that I never saw from my dad, which I think is partly because I don't want to be like my dad who doesn't show emotion, who doesn't show all the concern I do.

Last year my dad went to his first army reunion with the men he was in Vietnam with. He reconnected with them after 37 years. My dad was not the emotional type and he never opened up about anything. My mom always said my dad had a hard time and that it was always a "Vietnam sickness." My mom blamed my dad about that for communication issues he has, how he doesn't necessarily tell everyone everything going on in his life, how he doesn't seem so connected to people, how he keeps his distance, how he won't face the problem head on, and for how he builds up his anger that bothers everyone in the family. I could use many painful examples from my life where this is true and how it could be that I'm not close to my dad because of this. I realize that I don't have any of those qualities... I'll tackle the problem head on, I like to be connected to people, and whatnot.

I began to realize in the past year that a lot about my dad also relates to emotions. In Vietnam my dad was forced to suppress a lot of emotions. By going to the reunion and through e-mail with my dad's Vietnam buddies he has became a different person. I did see my dad break down and cry at the reunion when the men were talking once. I heard the stories of war. My dad on the way back said that he has been healed and he has been able to deal with a lot of issues that have plagued him for so long. I saw a new side of my dad. When my dad returned home I saw an attitude change where he treated my mom a whole lot better and he opened up and was more sentimental. There wasn't abuse or anything going on in the family priort to my dad going to his reunion, but if my mom said something, after the reunion he was more sentimental, he seemed like he cared, he offered advice. Before it was just yeah, honey I hear you, a disconnect. My dad even opened up more about his life. I have learned a lot about his years growing up, some stories from Vietnam, just a whole new side of him - - a more emotional side.

I am not close to my dad, don't think I will ever be, but I have seen a changed man in the past year and I credit a lot of this to being able to confront problems he faced in Vietnam and come to grips with emotions thanks to meeting these men again. My dad has opened up more, my dad has been more like a father figure in that when I do have a problem I can tell him something and get feedback. I'm thankful for this, but to have that confirmed in the book was so nice. It said, "to start with our fathers were raised, as we were, to be tough, stable, and emotionally detached. On top of that, many of them were veterans of wars that forced them at a young age to suppress their emotions and to commit unspeakable acts against humanity in the name of patriotism. In sum, many of our fathers grew up in a culture that offered them power in exchange for stoicism and buried emotion" (p 14).

I was thinking on the plane had the internet been as popular and there 15 years ago, if everyone was online, my dad could have connected with his old buddies, began the healing process, opened up more, and maybe I would have a different relationship with him. Maybe he would have showed more of an interest in me (I'm not saying he didn't when I was young because I know he did and he did love me and showed his interest in me, just not in the ways I gues I wanted or been there in ways I had expected), but that maybe he would have been there in more ways and taken a more active role in parenting. My mom was the parent who was the main one involved in raising- she punished us kids when we were little, she checked our homework, all of that. My dad was the one who cooked dinner, would read bedtime stories to my sister and I, and would tickle us endlessly when my sister and I ganged up on him when we were kids. My dad is not a bad man, no, I'm not trying to defend him. He is a great teacher, smart guy, but he does have flaws. I do see how he is a great guy and how he was a good dad, but my focus of this post is how he was not the emotional type and the type of dad I was longing for to shower and hug me, and how I saw through reading this book he has changed in the past year, but also how Vietnam probably had an effect on him.

We got along for the mostpart, but we have not had a great relationship. We have had many fights over the years that have not been pretty. We yell at each other. I admit I used to go out of my way to tick him off and make him mad. I know what I did was wrong and I am willing to acknowledge it, but I can see how a lot of it was out of rage, rage for him not being the caring guy, not being there. I remember a lot of the fights we had was because how he wasn't interested in my mom, how I was worried about divorce, so I would in return treating him badly. I think my parents marriage in the past year has really improved and they have been married over 30 years. Now, my dad and I fight over things like his lack of organization, then the last big fight was about my sister's lack of responsibility, so I see how I have changed also and am picking battles I see as important.

I am not trying to get anyone to take pity on me here, far from that, I'm just sharing thoughts that came into my head while reading the book and telling about a few little events in my chioldhood. What has happened has happened, I can accept that, and have. I am content where I am today. I understand that there were many factors that went into the relationship we had and overall he was not a bad dad, just not the emotional type/showering type I guess I wanted. I know my dad is a good guy deep down. Anytime I need/still need money, he is there. That is one of the ways he shows love. Anytime I have a car problem, he is the one who will try to troubleshoot it. I am just seeing how things could have been different and the book opened my eyes to be able to reflect and see how he has changed in this past year after seeing his army buddies and swapping stories.

I can picture how things could have been different and how maybe he would have been more relatable if my dad had been able to deal with army experiences earlier. I could see that maybe my dad would have been there to teach me to play baseball and encourage me to join little league and all of that little boy stuff. My uncle from Rockford Illinois was the one who taught me to play baseball. I remember getting report cards and my dad would say "I'm proud of you" and leaving it at that. Just in the past year, even though now I'm college I see he acts totally different. He says stuff like "that's great, I know it is much tougher in college," then he'll usually ask about the tougher classes I take and where I went wrong. I see him more interested- whether this is a result of him opening up and being better able to show interest/happiness because he saw his Vietnam buddies I don't know, I can only guess this is a factor and it has only started in the past year, so I can think it may be that. He has shown a new concern I have never seen. I can see how in a year our relationship has got better, but also how it probably will never be great, and not the emotional relationship I crave.

It is sad that because of reasons like war, "most of us grew into our young adulthoods without having had a truly loving, honest, and safe relationship with a man" (p 14). We went to our mothers, I know I did because she "over-validated us to compensate for the betrayal she saw us suffer" (p 15). Maybe I would have felt more comfortable going to my dad to talk, rather than going to my mom. I am closer to my mom. When I got a report card she was excited, call the whole family, brag to friends, and the like. I like that validation, and validation is something everyone needs, so I see why/how my relationship with my mom has prospered. My dad and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things still, but I do see how and why this could have happened, and how things could have been different. I know my dad loved me, but I didn't get the love I feel and saw from my mother. My dad provided a different love. A mom's love I guess is more showering and praising, help, nurture her kids. Whereas with a dad you see he loves you by doing things for you, slipping you money when you need it, helping fix your car, but that is not what I wanted, needed from my dad, and I would argue so many of us needed another kind, more emotional, the same love from our fathers as our mothers gave us because what "you craved from him was love, affection, and tenderness. As we have seen, what most of us received from our fathers was far less" (p124).

I just can't help but wonder how my dad and my relationship could have been different if he could have tackled these emotions earlier from Vietnam, would he provided that loving, emotional attention I so desperately wanted from him? Would him and I have had all those fights we did years back? What would have been different? Would I be a different person today because of that?