Why? Why am I gay/bi/straight whatever?

I like The Guy a lot and don't want to lose him. I like him as a friend and well a friend with benefits. I won't lie. That's pretty much where we're at.

I've just been kinda thinking today as I did stuff around the house. I have read all about what makes a person gay, different theories, different stuff like a certain part of the brain is larger, everyone is a blank slate, etc. Well, I was trying to think back and think when I was first attracted to men and women just because....

Perhaps my sister has a lot to do with it. She was always wanting me to play Barbies with her when I was little. I never did. I'd use the garage in her dollhouse to play cars. I never wanted to play dollhouse. Car-house yes... hah... like that? Anyways, I can remember being little and daydreaming about having a brother to play with and all of the things we could have done. All of my friends had brothers, they were cool, got along, played videogames together, went places together, did stuff. All of them got along great and seemed to agree on everything; whether that was true or not, who cares, why ruin my fantasy when I was a child to have a brother? It really hurt me that I didn't have a brother and I felt out of place. I still want a brother badly. I mean to be there to do guy things, have a brother close in age... when we were little we could have played hot wheels and video games... then as we were in our teen years could have spotted hot girls together... went to the movies together with friends... I am dwelling on the fact I didn't have a brother, but this was a major thing when I was a kid and I remember telling my parents a lot that I wanted a brother. There was a lot you could do with a brother you can't do with a sister... I mean even like language... clean language around a girl... no playing out in the dirt... I lacked a lot of male interaction around the house. Maybe that's why I like guys... I crave that attention that I missed as a kid. Even just sitting with a guy watching a movie is fun because you can oooh and aaaah together about the action, special effects, stuff like that. Whereas when you're with a girl, it is like wasn't that a sweet story? I'm so glad that Johnny and Sue are together... that was sweet. Yes, I can be suckered into watch a chick flick, but that is not my point. My point is outside of my male friends I lacked anyone to talk to about movies etc. My dad isn't into that type of fun stuff... I didn't have a brother to talk to...

My dad and I have never been really close. I know he loves me. I just know my dad wasn't a typical dad- he wasn't Mr. Fix It. He was Mr. Try to Fix It, which never came off as cool as all the other dad's. Anyways, he never had me in sports or anything like all the other dad's. He never taught me to play football, soccer, etc. He is a good guy, don't get me wrong, but I feel that he could have done more to get me involved and help foster my masculinity and teach me guy stuff. I'm not saying I'm not masculine because I feel I am, but I'm saying that he never seemed as in and as cool as all the other dad's. Maybe it is because this goes back to male attention... I feel my dad could have done more and been there more to get me more involved and done guy things with me.

I do remember random things when I was little like taking swimming lessons at the community college and going in the guys and girls locker room because I was young enough to do both. The guys locker room always interested me I guess because the guys in there seemed so cool. I mean the guys I remember were showering, laughing, talking, stuff like that and that stuck with me. In the women's locker room I remember there were booths with like little partitions and curtains and it just seemed blah... but was it this that made me interested in guys? I don't know... I don't know if this has any relevancy... I'm just bouncing some random thoughts that have been in my head lately.

In middle school and high school the locker rooms were eh... I mean you go in and change into pe clothes and that's it. No big deal.

When did I start noticing an attraction in guys? I guess it was maybe 8th grade or so and I don't remember being any indicator or anything like "ooh I suddenly like guys." I remember it being more of a stage as where I liked to be around guys and hang out etc.

I remember being with my best friend many days at his house looking at porn on the computer in his room and his parents bedroom... he was daring... heh. Anyways, the females were hot I'll admit, but I just didn't get the spark that guys gave me. I know what a hot woman looks like... nice hair... nice lips... nice large breasts... and yes, a hot woman can turn me on. I guess that's still why I say I like girls. Its also not like I've experimented much beyond kissing with a girl. I still want to, yes, and I think I can be attracted to a girl. In fact, if Gonzo didn't have her boy I'd go with her in an instant and I think I'd be happy. I like girls, yes, because talking to a girl is just soooo easy... say whatever you want... they give you sympathy and offer advice and comfort you. I know even with The Guy I can tell him stuff, but he is just not touchy feely, aaaaw I'm sorry, gooey mushy like a girl is, and I like that aspect in women.

I remember when I finally had my own laptop and I could look at porn. I looked at female porn. I looked at male porn. I remember always being more turned on by the male porn maybe because it was a taboo and I was always a good boy and so this was kind of going against everything?

I guess maybe because this was 10th grade or so and studying AP Euro it seemed like EVERY male we studied had homosexual tendancies and this turned me on I guess to know that male figures in history- some who are guys with pretty important like Leonardo da Vinci, Machiavelli, etc. This intrigued me I guess to see how shunned their behavior was, yet how they were possibly gay etc. I always like knowing interesting tidbits like that.

So anyways, I remember suddenly I was looking at more and more male porn. I mean when you're looking at online porn a woman can have huge breasts, but at a point they look fake, but a male with a 10'' penis, while it may also be fake, it turned me on. What guy doesn't want to be that well endowed?

Well, junior year... I was searching for the perfect girl... prom... I dated girlfriend #1 for about 2 months and I liked her as a friend, but I mean I couldn't see a real relationship partly because we never let ourself get that close because we were good friends and didn't want to ruin that.

Throughout high school most of my friends never really dated and the couple who did dated each other, so dating was never a big deal and my parents knew for the mostpart my friends didn't date, so it is not like there was real pressure on me to. I find myself a very independent person and never really needed a girlfriend to be happy. I was fine going out and doing things with friends and never needed to be touchy feely.

Senior year during the summer I dated girl #2 and she was cool, but again, we were friends and from our circle of friends, so it was nothing serious and nothing beyond kissing.

In college I didn't really search anyone out. I continued looking at male porn online and stuff and that's fine and dandy. I finally about January worked up the courage to contact a guy that seemed cool at my college. He was alright... I mean we met up and stuff once in the library to just hang... then one Saturday night... January 13 to be exact in his dorm where stuff happened. I realized males were easy to comeby and worked up the guts to do more and find a guy... met The Guy in April. I'm so happy I have... not just for the sex... but honestly I was at a point where I was really getting kind of depressed not having any guys to be around. He is a great guy to hang around, he is smart, interesting, and caring. I wasn't expecting to meet anyone like him. Honestly, while I wanted an emotional connection to someone, which he has provided and I'm so thankful for. I guess with guys I was just wanting sex or guys to hang around. I mean working with 8 girls all day, most of the people in my classes were girls that I did talk to, come home talk to my mom and sister. In my group of friends there are about 14 girls and only 5 or 6 guys, so I felt a real need to meet more guys. I'm so glad I've met him... to have another guy to talk with is cool and the attention... both just being around him and the sexual attention is nice.

So I'm not sure there was any point to this post... talk about sexuality... where I realized I liked guys... why I think I'm gay/bi/whatever... I don't know...