Being trapped and forced to hide my sexuality and whereabouts has really been making me angry lately. I hate hiding a part of my life from my parents. I hate that my parents- namely my mom will have such a hard time dealing with my sexuality. I know that she won't be accepting of it from a religious standpoint, but also all of the negative things associated with being gay like STDs. My going out, once she finds out will likely put me under a more watchful eye because she'll be worried I will catch something, that I'm out with the wrong guys, and stuff like that.
Perhaps it is me not willing to confront the issue of being gay and part of that is right. I also see that there are so many other family things (our house, my grandma, and stuff like that) and I don't really care to compound these issues and make things worse. It is so easy to tell my mother I am going over to "Steve's," a good friend from high school's apartment. I'm constantly hanging out with "Steve." I've become lazy and am not varying my excuses on where I'm going. I keep saying Steve for many reasons- maybe my mom will put 2 and 2 together and realize I'm constantly going to a guy's house, don't have a girlfriend, etc.
I am wanting to branch out and be less trapped. I always am so specific in telling my parents where I'm going- I'm going to Steve's... chuckle...chuckle. What I mean is I tell my parents I'm going here or there and part of me hates doing that because I'm lying. I want to be more truthful and tell my parents where I'm really going. I feel guilty lying. I want my whereabouts to be trusted. Just that I have a cell phone and I'll call later and let you know what is going on.
And this is where I stand. Lately, especially in the past week I have been telling my parents I am going out or I have to go somewhere and saying with friends. I'm not giving many details. I'm also calling late in the evening to finally tell them what is going on. I am being more secretive, but I feel I'm becoming less trapped by doing this. If you need me, pick up the damn phone. So far the phone thing has worked, but I don't like it. Doing this also adds to the guilt.
I guess I'm going to continue taking the snide comments from my sister about the fact she really has a brother, the jokes from my parents when they say that I'm finally home or that it is nice to see me.
4 comments:
hey, you should start saying you are going to "the guys name"s house or mention a new friend, something like that. and then there is honesty without making up stuff. just a thought.
and then if the questions come later about who the new friend is, let them come. guys are allowed to make new friends and hang out regardless of sexuality!
also you've done nothing but the right thing as far as being safe. just one guy, how awesome have you had it than most guys in bigger cities with tons to choose from and a lot more random unsafe hookups. hang in there
Sigh. It feels like a whole bunch of us are moody lately. I theorize it's the weather, except it can't possibly be as cold where you as where I am.
Life is rough sometimes and we just have to get through it. Such crappy advice, though. I do hope everything works out, or at least your guilt lessens.
Eratic hours and the like are par for the course for college.
At the risk of sounding old (well, I am), as a former college professor I have to say, part of this is just being young. We're all figuring out who we are. You have time to experiment and decide where you stand. You'll come out when you're ready.
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