Redefined our relationship

Guys, let me reiterate what I have said OVER AND OVER. The Guy and I are just friends. When we met on craigslist, we were both looking for sex and companionship. We both found that through each other, but our relationship blossomed and sex was not the defining thing in it. It was great, but just an added perk. We both said at anytime we could seek other guys out, date other guys, etc.

Throughout the past few weeks I've been through hell. I'm not going to go into reasons, but believe me, I have been through hell with family, family relationships, friends, and things that have happened to me. During this time, The Guy has been there for me and I'm thankful for it. in fact, he was the first person I'd call in my moments of vulnerability. I felt like I was putting a big burden on him by talking, bitching, whining, moaning, and complaining about my problems. Each time he reassured me I wasn't and that he would be there for me in any way that he could, but he would not overstep his boundaries. During this time I became frustrated in one way because there was a lull in sex and I knew that part of our friendship had fizzled out. The Guy had redeveloped his self confidence, is thinking positively about himself, and is ready to enter into the dating world again. During this time he didn't tell me he was sort of putting an end to this part of our friendship, but I saw it happening, and was able to talk to him about it today.

I got over to The Guy's place this morning about 10a.m. We didn't hang out on the 4th like planned because I was having a difficult day, then yesterday he had to go to his parents house and had a good time. When I got there, The Guy was on the phone with his brother and playing WOW. He said hi to me and finished up with his brother. Then he asked me how I was. I brought him up to speed on what went on in my life over the past few days and the "closure" so to speak to one of the situations. He kept asking if something was bothering me and he asked 4-5 times like he tends to do in every situation. I said yes, even though something was bothering me. The sex situation. No, I haven't been in the mood to have sex, and he knows that. I just told The Guy nothing was wrong and then we moved on. He called his brother back to help him activate a phone, we watched an episode or 2 of "Law and Order." He practically force fed me a turkey and cheese sandwich that I had a hard time stomaching. I left about 2:30 when The Guy was going to take a nap and read.

Anyways, driving home in the car I had an anxiety attack. As a result of everything that has gone on over the past few weeks/months I have developed an anxiety disorder. I called The Guy when I felt it coming on because I knew the issue was about him and I wanted to confront it before it escalated and I made myself sicker over the issue. I was about 1 1/2 miles up the highway, I had just got off the freeway. He told me to pull over, but I didn't. I kept driving. I got about a mile further and after I couldn't tell him what the issue was. He took a stab at it. The lack of sex. I said yes. He said it was because his time to really step into the friend role, and I knew that, but I also knew that it wasn't just a temporary thing. He kept saying what would it be if he were to send mixed signals that he only wanted to have sex with me and that was why he listened to me bitch?

We talked and talked about it and basically he thought for him this was the best time to leave that part of our friendship behind because he really wants to start dating. I said I noticed that and told him how I've felt that over the past few months and days, especially. He said he felt bad for not telling me, but didn't want to complicate the other aspects of my life. I said I would have preferred him to talk it out with me, but I understand his position.

About this time I pulled into the Joann Fabrics parking lot because I was about to lose it.

We talked about how we have leaned on each other the past year or so like I'm there for him when he needs something like his ankle or when he was feeling really down and only wanted a Monster energy drink or ice cream. He has been there for me to talk about sex, guys, coming out, and has helped me through several of the issues. We are both there for each other, care for each other, and don't want to lose each other. I have reiterated to him time and time again how happy I am to have met him, how he really has helped me become more confident and comfortable with sex and my sexuality. We agree we both happened to find each other for a reason and we don't regret anything that has taken place.

We talked about how we both need to branch out and see other people. He doesn't want to lose me, but doesn't know we'd be compatible as boyfriends. We are both thankful for each other and will do anything for the other person. I rank right up there with Zach, his best friend. If I need anything, he will do it for me.

I was crying by this time and told him how all of this came at the wrong time and I didn't just notice it. I wanted him to know how appreciative I was and everything he has done for me. I talked about how hard it is for me because I haven't come out and how it feels like that changes things. He agreed. He reiterated he'll be there for me when I do.

We talked some more about how my goal now is just to focus on getting out of the house. Get my teaching credential. Get a job teaching. I talked about how it is hard with my degree being in the subject that it is, but he gave me some ideas on how to spin it; ways I had thought about, but he made it seem easier, how my goal is to save and he knows I can do it.

We talked about how we may no longer hang out 4-5 times a week, but we'll hang out once a week and the anticipation of seeing each other, and things like that will be more quality time. I ended by reiterating how I'm here for him and he said he knows it.

We talked about some other things, but that was the gist of it.

We chatted online about me having a hard time dealing with the issues going on in my life right now and moving on when I got online when I got home.

He's going to call me tonight and talk about some other things on my mind, some of the things that I have known would come. Like looking for other gay guys to meet, how it is hard for me to do things like post a picture on connexion or some other site because I'm not out, but my worries about saying I'm gay and the fear of employability and things like that later in life.

I know in the coming days it might not be easy for me, but he is here for me, I have his support, I have Gonzo, and several others. I can make it through.

Guys, I ask that you not criticize The Guy in doing this to me. I am hurt because it was something I really enjoyed, but that was just one aspect of our friendship. I have some great memories and I have them all written down. The only thing The Guy is really doing to me is making me open up a new chapter in my life and allowing me to branch out, which is healthy. Our friendship has blossomed into so much more- and is it worth losing such a great friendship over sex?