Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Laying in bed last night I couldn't sleep

I was tossing and turning all night. I was worried about work, school, friends, and everything else under the sun. I remembered a few years back after some major drama with my aunt I almost was forced to come out to my mom. I wrote a coming out letter almost 2 years ago. I modified it a bit, and decided to send it to her via email. Why, when things are calming down, I don't know, but I did
Dear Mom,

It has been so hard the past few weeks for me to be around you after telling you I was gay. I have been been feeling, hurt, anger, and rejection. I am sorry I could not be more honest. It is something that I have known for years and have never told you out of fear of rejection. I have often felt that it would be easier if this were something I could just sweep under the rug and an issue that really doesn't matter. It does matter. Over the past few weeks it has become especially bad and is tearing me up inside because I am hiding this part of my life from you, and I feel it is distancing myself from you because I cannot be honest.

I know this came as a shock a few weeks ago. I'm sure you were unprepared to hear that. I understand. It is not easy for me to tell out of fear: fear of your reaction, fear that you would be hurt, fear that our relationship would change, and fear that you would be ashamed. Fear of hurting you has been the underlying reason I have not come out and told you this beforehand. The reason I am telling you this is that I love you and want to be honest with you.

You are probably feeling a great deal of hurt by now wondering what you did wrong and why I turned out the way I did. Mom, you have done nothing wrong always giving me your love and support, which is invaluable and who has shaped me into the person I am today. I am a son, a grandson, a brother, a friend, and a successful college student. I care so much for others and look at other people's interest before mine. I go out of my way to help others. I am tenacious and tackle tasks before someone says that they need to be done.

Mom, there is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, I would argue that being gay has made me a better person. It has made me seek out true friends who will accept me for who I really am. It has taught me tolerance, to not judge, and respect for others for their differences. It has taught me to be more caring and have more compassion for others.

You don't have to worry that I have changed because I am gay. I am still the same loving, caring, compassionate person I was yesterday, and have always been. Being gay does not change that.

My own acceptance of the fact that I am gay has been a long process and a difficult process. I expect you will feel the same in coming to terms with this. I have been laughed at, made fun of, and have been hurt by people, and a society that has not accepted this. It is difficult when I hear people judge others about being gay when it is a mere fact, and something I cannot change.

I have attached a lot of (Christian) resources for you, and there is the book "Now That You Know" on the coffee table.

Mom, I know this is going to take some time for you to accept. I know it will be difficult. I love you and I don't want to continue hiding a part of my life from you.




JC said...

Mikey -

My heart was hurting reading that letter to your mom. I think what you wrote was beautiful and from the heart. It was easy to see and feel the pain that you have been experiencing through the years, and more specifically over the past few weeks.

I continue to hope and pray that your mom will take some time to sit down, process everything, talk with you, and ultimately try to come to an understanding and acceptance of who you are in this world.

You know I will always be here for you, my friend.

Love ya!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't have put it better myself. I think writing a letter helps a lot of guys, it certainly did me. I guess reading mine in person was a lot more stressful, though. I thought my heart would beat out of my chest! Hopefully not having that barrier will mean that you can manage and function.

Please take of yourself as well, eh? *hugs*

Phunk Factor said...

It couldn't have been more simple, plain, exposed, vulnerable and beautiful!

Heads up, buddy! This letter is definitely a good thing...didn't seethe with resentment as I've read a few of the others!

Hope u got a good sleep after sending it to ur mum and hope that she comes to terms with it and accept you!

rlp340 said...

Agree with everyone else - very well written and to the point without resentment attached.

I hope she starts to come around and you can continue to have a good relationship with her :)

Aek said...

Wow, did you really originally write it 2 years ago? I remembered reading it then, but man, how time has passed. We're getting old dude.

The letter is as powerful now as it was when you first wrote it. I'm glad you decided to send it.

Anonymous said...

Your letter was amazing and you are an amazing person who should be very, very proud of himself. I wish you the best and enjoy reading your blog.

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