Friday, April 9, 2010

Coddling phase?

My mom seems to be in a coddling/controlling phase with my whole coming out. Lately, she has been more or less normal, and things seem to be normal between us. Talk about work, school, all normal. All of this comes with an added element. She seems to feel the need to be controlling like she was a few years back when she'd pick up on how Linda was so controlling with her son. My mom grew out of that phase after I put her back into her place and began being very nondescript about where I was going, what I was doing, etc.

Now let me go into my mom and my relationship real quick- I'm pretty open with her. I might not say I'm going to a gay club, but I'll say I'm going to a restaurant near one. I do keep her in the dark somewhat, but I think it is pretty understandable. If I'm going to BJs with friends, I'll say that. I do it because it gives her peace of mind and covers my bases if I were in an accident or something so I'd have less explaining/lying to do.

Well, in the past 2 weeks or so, my mom has found the need to be more prying. Wednesday night when I got home from school I told her and my dad about my class- I usually do. I whined about how pointless SDAIE, CELDT, Woodcock Johnson, and other terms are. Google them if you care to know. After I was done telling her about that, she started in, "did you go anywhere before class with anyone?" Um. No. But thanks for asking?

This past week I have been getting home from work pretty early if I've had a job, and my mom has found the need to play 20 questions and ask, "where did you go after school?" "What time did you get up?" "Did you see anyone special today?" "Did you go anywhere else today?" My responses are full of snide remarks. I did say something along the line of "why was today any different than usual- you weren't concerned 2 weeks ago." I don't know if that's the best response, but I am annoyed. Usually I just tell her about my day- went to work, kids were good, kids were bad, yadda yadda yadda.

Last night my mom went to dinner with Linda, which they do every Thursday. When my mom got home she updated us on Linda's life. After catching all of the story from my mom I headed in my room and was doing something on the computer. She came in to hug me, tell me how much she missed me, how I never spend anytime with her anymore, how I'm hiding so much from her. I was more annoyed than anything- this was just weird. She may say she missed us (my dad, sister, and I) because we weren't with her when she was with Linda, but not the whole hug and diatribe about how she misses me was out of the ordinary.

I went to my cousin's birthday party tonight with her close friends. It was at a Mexican restaurant about 30 minutes from our house that we had never been to. I get in about 11:05 and go straight to my room since the lights in the kitchen and living room were off. My mom comes into my room, tells me how she missed me so much since she hadn't seen me in 24 hours. My mom asked me how the food was, what I ate, what everyone else ate, and would I go back. Normal questions for when I go to a new place, no big deal. It did become a big deal when my mom began playing a game of 20 questions it seemed. So here are the questions and my response in parenthesis. Did you just go to eat and play laser tag? (Yes). Does your cousin have any cute pet names for her boyfriend? (Dan). Did you talk with everyone at the party? (Obviously). What time did you leave the party? (When everyone else did.)

Right now I'm just playing it off being very vague, snide, and distant. I hate to do it because I know it hurts her, but I don't like how she has become more controlling.


Anonymous said...

Your mom is trying to figure out if you have a boyfriend or if your dating a guy.

Phunk Factor said...

I think the anonymous @ 1:18 is right...she's trying to figure that out but at the same time, she can't exactly make herself say 'Are you dating a guy?'

TwoLives said...

I actually think her concerns are more than whether you are dating a guy---although that is part of it.

Her clingyness is insecurity about your relationship. She thought she knew you and was close to you but your coming out made her question how well she really knows you. She will continue to badger you until she feels more secure.

I suggest that when she is not being annoying you tell her you want to talk. Then ask her if she is feeling ok about everything between the two of you (or whatever is comfortable and natural for you to say.) What you want is for her to speak her exact concerns rather than to dance around them by asking 20 questions every time she sees you. It's like a mom intervention. "Mom, whatever you've got to say, can you please just say it!"

My two cents, for what their worth.

Anonymous said...

I can relate - my mom can still play 20 questions.

Sounds like she's starved for information. Maybe she's justified, maybe not. There's a balance here between her wanting to be in your life and knowing who you are vs. your right to privacy. It sounds like she goes a little too far, wanting you to account for several minute gaps in your day.

I agree with TwoLives - sitting down with her and letting the discussion flow will help. But you will also need boundaries in the future. You're 22. Granted, you live in her house, but you should have the right to go to a club or a friend's house without giving her a detailed agenda of the events of the day.

I would just make sure you communicate to her that you feel like a little kid when she questions you about everything you did in a given day. Tell her you thought there was a level of trust between you, but now you're questioning her trust of you.

Aek said...

:-/ I hate that game of 20 questions with my parents. They really do like to inquire. I tend to keep my responses fairly vague, except certain things that I know they're more interested in anyhow, lol.

I hope things work out and she goes "back to normal" soon.

rlp340 said...

Insecurity in a nutshell. Her different ways of coping. I agree with everyone above - seems like you have to tell her to back off if that's what you want - but is it?

While I never enjoyed my mother asking me 20 questions, looking back, it did make me feel that she cared for me even though she was prodding.