Something composed

It has been a difficult weekend, perhaps because I worry too much about everything. Perhaps what is happening right now is too much stress. Whatever it is I am more and more worried I am on the verge of saying something I shouldn't. I spent over an hour on the phone with The Guy last night telling him all my feelings. We talked about it and he said coming out via a letter is perfectly ok, just keep it short and simple. So here it is. NO, I HAVEN'T COME OUT TO MY MOM YET, but at least I have something just in case.

The Guy looked over the letter and said it is great.

I know I'm being very vague about the reasoning for my possible need to come out, but I don't really want to go into all the details, but here is my letter:

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Dear Mom,

It is not easy for me to sit down to write this letter for so many reasons; out of the fear of rejection, hate, and anger. It is something that I have known for years and have never told you. I have often felt that it would be easier if this were something I could just sweep under the rug and an issue that really doesn't matter. It does matter. Over the past few weeks it has become especially bad and is tearing me up inside because I am hiding this part of my life from you, and I feel it is distancing myself from you because I cannot be honest.

Mom, I am gay.

This probably comes as a shock. I'm sure you were unprepared to hear that. I understand. It is not easy for me to tell out of fear: fear of your reaction, fear that you would be hurt, fear that our relationship would change, and fear that you would be ashamed. Fear of hurting you has been the underlying reason I have not come out and told you this beforehand. The reason I am telling you this is that I love you and want to be honest with you.

You are probably feeling a great deal of hurt by now wondering what you did wrong and why I turned out the way I did. Mom, you have done nothing wrong always giving me your love and support, which is invaluable and who has shaped me into the person I am today. I am a son, a grandson, a brother, a friend, and a successful college student. I care so much for others and look at other people's interest before mine. I go out of my way to help others. I am tenacious and tackle tasks before someone says that they need to be done.

Mom, there is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, I would argue that being gay has made me a better person. It has made me seek out true friends who will accept me for who I really am. It has taught me tolerance, to not judge, and respect for others for their differences. It has taught me to be more caring and have more compassion for others.

You don't have to worry that I have changed because I am gay. I am still the same loving, caring, compassionate person I was yesterday, and have always been. Being gay does not change that.

My own acceptance of the fact that I am gay has been a long process and a difficult process. I expect you will feel the same in coming to terms with this. I have been laughed at, made fun of, and have been hurt by people, and a society that has not accepted this. It is difficult when I hear people judge others about being gay when it is a mere fact, and something I cannot change.

Mom, I know this is going to take some time for you to accept. I know it will be difficult. I love you and I don't want to continue hiding a part of my life from you.

Love,

Mikey