I really don't know what to say about my mom. Over the past couple days I've been very bold.
Last Saturday when I was going to WEHO I told my parents I was going to go to the Grammy Museum and dinner. I said I'd probably be back after midnight- that's a pretty standard response. I give my parents an idea of where I'm going, and when I'll be back usually, and they're cool with it. My dad must have been looking around to cause trouble and he said something along the lines of "anything else?" I said there was. I said I was going to a club. My mom asked "a gay club," to which I replied "yes." She asked no more questions. NOW HOW MUCH BOLDER COULD I HAVE BEEN? It was not easy to tell my mom that! The next morning my dad asked me if I was hungover, and that was the only discussion about the clubbing issue the night before.
Then there was the car incident the other day.
Then this morning I was still storming around frustrated about it. I decided I was going to make it clear to my mom I was still upset by the comment in the car. I laid in my room until about 8:30 this morning with the door closed watching TV and reading some blogs. My mom knocked on my door to tell me she was leaving to go to the dentist. I ignored her. She continued to knock, then opened the door and asked if I was ok. I tended to act, which I do when I'm bothered, and I already had the cover over my head, curled up in a ball, acting like I couldn't hear her. She came over, sat down on my bed and asked what's going on. She really didn't give me a chance to say anything before she said that she knows I've been having a difficult time lately with school, friends, and work, and she wants to be here for me. She said sometimes it is just so hard when I tell my dad things I won't tell her. She said that I only tell her something after I've done it. I just sort of hid under my cover. She continued asking what was going on and how I know I can talk to her. I ignored her and broke down in tears. She asked what was going on and I said "I'm gay." I felt so bold when I said it, especially because I haven't been able to say it to anyone yet because the words just get choked up inside. Without skipping a beat she told me that I was not, I was just going through a rough time. I told her that still, I said the words, I'm identifying with liking guys, I have identified with a sexual identity, and it cannot be changed. I said that identifying with a sexual identity is where kids struggle the most because people try to tell them that they are not, therefore are not accepted, and struggle. I had so much more I wanted to say, but kept my mouth shut on this issue. UGH. This is not how I wanted it to go. Of course there were a lot of things I could have said like "I'm still the same person," etc. etc., but I didn't.
She sat on my bed rubbing my back and telling me she'll be here for me when I change my mind and I just lay curled in a ball under my covers. I got up once she left and was out waxing my car when she got home. No discussion of it since then and everything seems perfectly normal. She got out of the car and played with the dogs, told me they looked like they were guarding my car while I was waxing it. Once I was done I came in and she talked about cooking ravioli and shrimp for dinner. She's on the computer in the dining room now, I'm in my bedroom putting this post up, and about to head outside to do some yardwork. WTF? I'm so confused, frustrated, and hurt.
Maybe my mom just doesn't know how to handle it and she thinks by saying what she is it'll help?