No, not Maximizing Max (yeah, him). This time it is about maximizing the issue, which I tend to do. I blogged about all of the anger and hurt I was feeling after my grandma's passing. I have been grieving as you know, all of my crying, etc. while in the car. That stopped probably a week or so before Halloween. I dealt with it is my point I guess I'm trying to make and I did come to terms with it.
This past week the anticipation has been building. My aunt has promised a letter to the lawyer by Saturday apparently about what she can do moneywise when it comes to my grandma- this prior to the 17th when there is a court hearing about my grandma's body. It has been a mess this week- my aunt said this, she said that, etc. etc. It all just built and the only real crying I did was the tears I woke up with. The tears were only momentarily, but it was building. I feel like I was being worn down. I was chatting with The Guy tonight after texting him today, then calling him a couple times telling him I needed a friend. I needed someone to talk and I was looking for his perspective. The call didn't start off so well. It was text and then phone tag. When he finally called me back after the 4th time of ignoring his calls because I was so worked up in the tears he asked how I was. I told him I was not well. I then cried for the next 2-3 minutes just bawling on the phone. I felt bad that he had no clue what was going on and had to listen to this. I heard deep sighs he was making and seemed bothered, and I felt bad that the moment I talk to him the tears flow. I hung up. He called back a couple times and then texted for me to pick up and not hang up. I did. He asked if it was my grandma and aunt. I told him it was and told him the details. He told me that it was worth it to cry, some of my crying sounded really angry, and it was a good thing, to take care of myself tonight. The cries and conversations continued and we talk about how it is a lot of feelings like loneliness that I was feeling. I don't know how, but we got to talking about "minimizing things"- I was talking about stepping back, looking at each issue, thinking about it, not internalizing it, and how I don't, so I constantly maximize the issue and bring up a lot of hate within myself, which brings a lot of anxiety and tears. Sure there is some more emotional attachment and crying that can certainly be done this weekend we agreed, but I feel and can see for myself how I need to step back and think rather than becoming wrapped up in emotions.
The Guy did remind me that it was my pity party and I could cry if I want to and he began singing his version of the Leslie Gore hit. I continued on "you would cry to if it happened to you... dun dun dun dun dun dun" and we began singing that over the phone together. He did tell me he did cry too because it happened to him last night over the issue with Shawn.
I felt so bad, so embarrassed for after days of not talking to The Guy to only be able to cry. I know we're friends, but sometimes it seems like we drift in and out, and I know it is understandable, but I hate that. I texted and called him a few times and heard nothing back, so this little bit is not what I wanted when we started talking again. I wanted to chat, ask about what he was up to, see about hanging out, hear about his weekend with Shawn. We did talk about all of that and will probably hang out.
But from this convo with him I realized how this is kind of like any other weekend, but there are some additional emotion attached to it. It is ok to cry, but I should maybe minimize the issue, think, think about how it is deteriorating and hurting me.
5 comments:
Funerals and burial ceremonies are for the living not the dead.
If autie stole grandma's burial money, why not donate grandma's body to a medical school. She can teach students and residents, then the school will cremate her remains and return them to the family.
You can only use your friends as therapists to a point without wearing them out. Try and find another outlet for those heavy emotions.
:-( *Hugs*
I'm sorry that these issues with your aunt and grandma are ongoing. That sounds like a really rough situation to be in.
But you know, sometimes you just have to get a breath of fresh air to dry those tears and let it all out.
Few things are worse than being in the position of having a dead loved one, and then having an interfering relative step in and mess things up.
Don't forget, I and others are here to listen to you as well. We can help share your burden if needed. I think, though, in some ways you and the guy are right: stepping back from the situation, if possible, and treating it in a more factual and logical approach might help take some of the sting out of the matter.
We all have one of those days. 3 years after my best friend died, I thought I have well gotten over it, but there are just days when grief hits you in the face.
I hope you really are feeling much better, and seriously, you have no reason to feel guilty for calling the person. As long as you allow him to call you when he needs, and call him even when you don't need him. :) And externalising is one thing, but detaching ourselves after "grieving" and feeling our pain is another. It's detaching, like you said, looking at it from outside the picture, changing what you can change, accept what u can't and most of all, be wise enough to know the difference.
Lots of loveee! :) I think you're a very wise man.
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
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