Trying to heal the pain...

Perhaps not heal the pain in the best way possible, but I tried. Everyone was busy or not returning calls/texts today. I was very pissed off. Gonzo didn't reply to my calls or texts. Darla didn't. The Guy and I talked Friday night, which helped, but didn't bother him since he was probably busy with his new guy- they're official. Foot Fetish said he'd meet me for the hockey game I had tickets to, but bailed last minute. I didn't text Dennis since he was with his date most of the day. I did text Viv, and she replied. I texted my best friend in MS, and he replied, so some did care enough to reply when I needed them the most. I was (this close) really close to saying some not so nice things to Gonzo and Darla. Oh well. I didn't. I lived.

At home it seems to feel like a Stepford Wives situation where my mom is acting like everything is perfect, but it isn't deep down. It is all a facade. My mom acts like everything is perfect, or ignores me. It hurts. I want so badly to say something, but don't know what to say. I'm just going about acting normal. The silence however, coupled with the silence from friends drove me insane and I needed to get out. I pondered the hockey game alone, but then decided to go to the bar.

Again, I want to say thanks for all of your comments who left them on my previous posts. I've read them NUMEROUS times the past couple days and it means a lot to know that people care. And thanks for the random instant messages, emails, etc.

So tonight I went to a bar in a different city where I knew I wouldn't run into anyone i'd know and try to meet someone- temporary, but it seemed like a good thing at the time since I needed some excitement. I'd been wanting to check out this bar for a long time since it was predominantly latino, and I love me latino guys, especially latino gay guys. There were a lot of lesbians at the bar, though, latinas. I was thinking of Mind of Mine while doing this and his experience. I went in, sat down, ordered a Miller Lite, and sat down at the bar. I got a call from my friend Iman, so I stepped away from the bar. I didn't feel like sitting back at the bar, so I stood along a long wall in the bar where others were congregating. I did message James, and had a nice chat with him on my iPhone. I was all alone and other couples/groups were filing in. I felt really alone. I was getting discouraged. I decided to order up another beer and chatted with one of the waiters.As I finished my 2nd beer i had the guts to walk up to a guy who had been eyeing me all night.

He was dressed in a red small squared plaid shirt with a black velvet logo or something on the back, black jeans, and basketball shoes. He was pretty hot. He is kind of what I think of as one of the types of latino guys I like- he had the Michael Maloney from Extreme Makeover Home Edition look going on- except with a brownish copper hair, and probably 10 pounds more than Michael. He was hot. I walked up to him, we joked about ahving a hard time approaching each other, then he leaned in and kissed me. We introduced ourselves. He was Dave, and I was MIke. He asked my age, told me i wouldn't guess his. I guessed 30. I figured at most he was 40. He told me he was 55. I nearly shit myself. Ok... um... so yeah. He lives at home and takes care of his parents. He joked botox and stuff helped. Sure did. He is a former hairdresser. We chat, kiss, then decide to dance. We dance to some Lady Gaga "Just Dance," and "Poker Face." We grind on the dance floor and feel each other up. Then we take a break so we can get a drink, then chat some more. I reveal almost nothing to him. I question whether or not to end it with him that early, but I liked the attention, and hey, he was a good kisser, he was touching me in just the right places, and I needed the affection/attention. More kissing, and soon we are making out hands on each others back, feeling each other up, tongue, you name it. This continued and we were practically taking each other's shirts off. He licked my chest a couple times. We got loud "owwwwwww" and "wooooooooo hoooooooos" from patrons in the bar. When Dave went to the restroom other guys asked me wehre the guy who I was all over went and that maybe I should go to the bathroom with him. It was hilarious that these 2 latino, big, gang member looking guys said this. I was amused. Anyways, Dave and I chatted, he told me how kissing was sometimes better than sex, and this was one of those cases. I agreed. More making out. Finally, about 1a.m. I ended it because I was tired, getting groggy, and a headache. We bumped and grinded once more, and made out.

I got out to my car and rinsed my mouth out- am i weird? i tend to do that after I make out- like I don't need your slobber leftover in my mouth... haha.

Got home about 1:45 and now it is off to bed for me at 2:15a.m.

So um... I guess the night was alright. I'm still having a difficult time, though.