Snappiness

This weekend has been eventful. I went shopping yesterday with my mom. She is having a tough time and hasn't really dealt with my grandma's passing in my opinion. She hasn't really broken down and has tried to remain strong. We were snapping at each other constantly. I was annoyed she was taking too long, I was annoyed she didn't like the clothes I liked, you get the idea, it was not pretty.

We went out for my sister's birthday and because my sister had to watch the damn Yankee game we didn't go to dinner until 5 and because Linda was there it was 8 before we left. At 5 I was supposed to be having a Rock Band Tournament at coworker Joe's house. Me, not happy, I was lucky I put my best face on and didn't become very snappy.

Today my mom, Linda her husband, and myself went to the LA County Fair. I woke up a little moody, but I had things on my mind, and no one to talk to. I went to the gym where I was able to let out some steam, then had breakfast, and then everything was fine. We go to the LA County Fair and meet up with Linda and her husband at 1. Her husband is so passive in comparison to her. He reminds me of my dad, Linda of my mom, except my mom is not so OCD. We walk around. Linda and I hang together, her husband and my mom hang together. We watch some horse racing, which is so absolutely boring, and we talk. We get 3 calls from my aunt in OK about what my aunt in Nor Cal did. Each time she called she asked to talk to my mom and I would pass the phone. It made for an awkward tension around Linda and her husband, but they understood since Linda has now heard the whole story. There were a couple times my mom came very close to breaking down and Linda and her hubby comforted her and hugged her. I was becoming moody because we were there for hours and we had said last night we'd only be there for 4-5 hours. The fact that my mom was having a difficult time bothered me because I don't like to see my mom like that. Minus the aunt events,. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but it was weird because of everything going on with my family. Well, I was supposed to hang out with Chris, so I became snappy, and my plans were falling through. I did hang out with him and we caught 3 episodes of Kourtney and Chloe Take on Miami, as well as Desperate Housewives. We hugged on the couch, stroked each others arm, etc. It felt good. Too bad I didn't feel horny.

Leaving the fair, though, my mom and I talked in the car. We didn't talk about the calls from my aunt or grandma. It was like my mom had so much to say and I had so much to say but couldn't and began to feel really worried. That stress about coming out. I always feel it when my mom and I are alone having a conversation. When there is something going on my mom and I want to talk about it seems to feel really heavy, we both have something to say, but don't say it. She asked me what was going on and if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. She went on like "ok, you're just like your dad, it hurts me because you seem distant...," so after a while I relented. I told her about The Guy and another friend who have both been very awkward for different reasons and how we've been angry at each other in one way or another. Sure him being distant is bothering me at a time when I can use a friend, but I couldn't come out, and that wasn't what I would have done or wanted to do then. Basically I lied somewhat (The Guy and I haven't talked because he's dealing with issues and is wanting to be alone), but since my mom doesn't know him, I could say what I wanted. It wasn't what my heart desired to say, but it was something to stop the nagging. She said she has thought I've had stuff going on with him since New Years Eve when I went to Arizona. I asked what that meant. She said she didn't know, she thought there was something. I said no. I reminded her I was out with another group of friends in Arizona. I was. Not a lie. SHe said ok. Then I talked about the "argument," which was a lie. She gave her 2 cents. I hate times like this. I don't even know why I felt like I had to come out- I guess sexuality is a part of this whole issue with my aunt and it is driving me mad and pressuring me.

There are a lot of times like this. I've had my share in the past 2 years or so as this whole thing with my grandma has been going on- the family becomes a lot closer and divided. We have just had this awkward tension in tough times. It is hard to describe, but I become so worried about saying something, coming out to my mom, and her negative reaction. I was thinking and it was on the tip of my tongue to tell my mom on the way home tonight.

Personally I think it was a good weekend as far as getting out and doing a lot. Emotions just got in the way. Worries on both ends. Not looking forward to next weekend. I need a break.