Backstory

The Guy and I hung out yesterday, finally. We had been texting/calling and he was finally free yesterday afternoon. He has been very busy at work. He actually had to work Tuesday because they're redoing the internet at his work, and he is the go to guy. He texted me 2-3 times to say he might be late and it'd be closer to 3 before we could hang out.

When he is on his way home he calls me. My phone goes straight to voicemail, so I call him back and let him know I'm on my way. I tell him it was a difficult day because of my sister. She has been behaving herself, but yesterday she wasn't. My family doesn't have a lot of money right now. My parents are teachers, so we live paycheck to paycheck since they're paid once a month. My dad's health problems this year have compounded the problem. I learned some things that I wasn't supposed to about this the other day in fact. This note becomes important later.

For the past 2-3 weeks since we ordered my graduation pictures, my sister has been asking "what do I want for graduation?" "What am I going to break the bank with in asking for?" She has been reminding mom and dad that I need something for graduation.

The truth of the matter is I don't need anything. 2-3 weeks ago I was talking with my dad in my bedroom when he popped in one night, which is not unusual. We talk about stuff like family, school, whatever is on our minds. These convos are a lot like what I have with him, like when I came out to him in the car. During this particular talk, even before my sister said anything, I told him straight out I know times are tough and I don't want anything for graduation. I would rather us all be comfortable, have what would have been put toward anyting for me for graduation to be used for the family to cover expenses. I have things pretty well- graduating college debt free, in 4 years, and my parents only had to shell out $250 registration fees to cover my tuition each quarter. I know what my parents make, how much we're shelling out towards each thing, and I know each month since January has been very close because of my dad's health, stuff with my aunt, and other unexpected expenses.

Anyways, she was harassing me yesterday saying I'm not getting anything for graduation because I'm not loved, I'm too expensive, and my parents can't afford me. All of this I know is not true, I know her words shouldn't have an effect on me, but they do. She was asking what I want. She was telling me how my parents know I need a computer desperately and I'm not getting one because we can't afford it.

She upset me. This was the first time she was allowed to stay home on the same day I was at home in months. She lost that privilege for sure. I threatened and I told her that I am going to pick up the phone to call mom and dad at work. That helped a little. I finally got mean and nasty and told her TO TAKE OFF. SHE BETTER NOT COME BACK WHILE I WAS HOME, OR SHE WILL WISH SHE HADN'T. I WAS LIVID BY THIS TIME. She left.

I was so glad to see The Guy and just be driving over to his house. I was happy to be going anywhere. So I told him the story on the phone.

When I get to his place he is playing WOW. He is level 80. My tune is only 64. He asked if I wanted to play. I said it wasn't fun with him. So he was on his big desktop and had the iMac there set up, ready to go. He put "Sex and the City" on for me and he played. We chatted occasionally. Both of us seemed tense. By about 5p.m. we both seemed to be much calmer. He was checking out macaddict and other sites like facebook.

Mike, his ex, came onto facebook messenger a few minutes after he logged onto facebook. He was talking about the WEHO rally. The Guy used this time to ask about his friend Chris. Mike said he was a great guy. Mike asked about what I thought about Chris. The Guy exaggerated saying things like "love at first sight," "I'm just a big love lollipop," and "I really like him." Mike said that was good. Mike said that Chris needs a lot of love. MEANING? He is insecure? Needs lots of attention? Affection? More likely to get the attention elsewhere if he feels like he is not getting what he needs from me?Anyways, Mike said further that Chris needs more time to become comfortable with himself. The Guy asked if that meant in coming out and things like that. Mike said both. That clarified a lot and I was glad to hear. I think so far we're compatible. I'm not flambouyant and I'm respectful of him, and will be supportive.

Anyways, Mike logged off. The Guy looked at his workout for the day on the internet. He ran around cleaning up the house and used the bathroom. During this time my mom called. She was with my dad at the hospital. My dad was having a C/T scan because he came home early from work complaining about feeling really stressed. He was taken to the doctor and the doctor ordered a CT scan. Personally, I think much more is going on there than my dad is leaning on. My mom told me not to worry, they'd be home in a while, and she just wanted me to know to pick something up for dinner.

The Guy asked if I was ok. I said yes. I played it cool, and for the mostpart, I was very calm. I just opened up and talked normal and I told The Guy the following: I said I wasn't surprised because of everything that was going on (sister, aunt, work, stress at work, money, money for me to get my teaching crednetial, and my dad feels insecure). My dad has distanced himself it seems lately. He seems to be back to where he was 3-4 years ago before he reunited with his Army buddies. That sort of distance. He doesn't seem as loving, as affectionate, much less interested. He is in counseling and he has apparently been asked to keep a diary of stuff. I happened to come across it in his car. It was scribbled on computer paper. Some of the stuff he said just blew me away. Much of it I knew, but then I found out things like he is going to ask my uncle for a loan to buy me something for graduation, and how he is not comfortable with that. Reading that just killed me inside. I haven't asked for anything. I know the only reason this is being brought up is my sister. I feel bad that I know where the money is coming from. I feel bad my dad has to do that, especially when he is so fragile emotionally. I am not, and still don't feel ok with my dad doing that. As The Guy said, it is his choice. I know that, but that my dad is doing this hurts. I know that a lot of my dad's pride is lost when he has to do that, that he feels obligated, perhaps like I'm asking for it. I'M NOT.

We talked more about my dad's health and how I think it is being kept a secret. Sure it is easy to see what is going on at Kaiser if we were to log onto my dad's health records, but he is now being treated a great deal at the VA for service related problems. We can't see those, and I think that is where my dad is going for the stuff he isn't telling my mom and I about.

The Guy did pep me up by saying that I have been so strong. I have battled the system. Everytime I Have an issue at my college whether it be with grades, administration, whatever, I battle it. I have been able to graduate in 4 because of that. He said that maybe I shouldn't have seen that. He knows if what my dad had written were in such plain sight, he would have done the same. He said at least my uncle is making a good investment. My uncle pays tons in taxes each year, so my uncle is benefitting because I'm an investment. He is regifting the money toward me, which for the amount in loans my dad is asking from my uncle for school, as well as a gift is going for a good cause because I won't waste my time. I'll get in, get my credential, be in the classroom, and that I truly care about kids is more than a worthy investment. It made me feel better to think of it that way. I just feel weird around my uncle and stuff like that. What's more is I'm almost 100% sure my mom does not know about this, and my dad is going to keep it that way.

The Guy and I think the reason sister is doing all of this is so that she can ensure she gets something for her graduation in a few years. If I don't, she won't. Lame.

The Guy asked if I wanted to go to Best Buy with him so he could buy Vonage. We hit Best Buy and the Farmers Market. We also picked up his drycleaning.

Josh and him were doing sushi for dinner, so The Guy took off about 6:45 to pick that up and I headed to the rally. We hugged before we headed off in our own direction.

This has actually turned into a really tough post to write that I was debating about, but I just let it all out. I feel like I'm letting everyone in and seeing all of my family's weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It just seems like TMI, but whatever. I cried a lot while writing this. I was mainly going to blog about Chris and keep it nice and short, but I didn't realize how big the dad issue was to this post and how I need to vent.