Shame, splitting, and other thoughts from The Velvet Rage

This post probably won't be as great as my last post on fathers, but I wanted to get some more ideas out from that book The Velvet Rage.

People avoid shame through improving other areas of their lives. and focusing on academis or jobs. In the book, Josh sought out academic and business success to avoid shame that he felt for failed relationships, depression, and lonliness. This shame eventually just builds up and ends up being very debilitating.

I can see how in my life I have done this and it is so easy to do. This past year at school I started out in fall quarter lonely because most of my friends are at other colleges and stuff like that. I have tried so hard to meet people at my college, but have never made friends I could hang out with outside of the class because it is a commuter school, etc. etc.. That, compounded with other things had built up a lot of rage in me. I found pride in getting the good grades and doing my job at work and that was my sole focus. I remember feeling real lonely, kind of depressed like Josh in the book was, and was searching more online about this time for guys etc in my area. This is about the time I started finding blogs like I Think I May Be Gay and Daninokc where I found people who were in the same situation at me, which helped to see I wasn't alone. Sexuality was finally an issue I wanted to tackle in my life, so I see this is where I started channeling my interests into different things- not just school, work, but also guys, religion, and stuff like that. I see I wanted more to explore and target the sexuality issue in my life. I wanted to meet people and I see that I did try to. I did try craigslist and met a guy at my college, but that didn't work out. I started going back to church after a long while. I remember and I concentrated solely on school because I had nothing better to do, but thankfully I was able to see that emptiness and where it lies- not having more guys to hang around with etc. etc.. So I see that I've been able to at least start tackling that rage and channeling my energies into other things, so I'm proud of that, and honestly I feel like a better person in so many ways.

Other tidbits I'm going to reflect on from the book:

--- I'm defensive when sexuality is mentioned around me and I tend to defend my straightness around people. (p 45)

--- I am glad I'm not out having anonymous sex with guys (p 51), which the book says they do to avoid shame. I on the other hand could never do that, without not at least knowing the guy before hand, something about them, partly because I feel I need a great emotional connection with a person.

The big part of the book that hit home was the topic of splitting. Living 2 different lives and faking an entire segment of our lives "for the benefit of getting along in life" (p 47). That hurt.

I have FAKED my life with my parents for the past 4-5 months with The Guy and my whereabouts. I do feel guilty about it, which so many the author says so many don't. I do it because I see now is not the time to come out, but honestly I can't blame those who do live two lives because of family, religion, work, and so many other reasons. It makes me sad the labels and everything that sexuality places on people. I am now at a point where I am comfortable doing this splitting as much as I don't like to because I see this is the only way I can get out of the house. My parents are a lot more comfortable with me going out of the house now at such random hours, but it hurts to be lying, it hurts to be faking, it hurts to be splitting.

The author says that splitting often lingers "after you've left the first stage (of being overwhelmed by shame). If your coworkers don't know you're gay, you won't risk being treated like you're part of the 'out group.' If your parents are never allowed to visit your one bedroom apartment, they might not find out that your boyfriend is living with you. While splitting allows us to avoid shame, it also undermines our relationships. We are never what we appear to be, and over time, others begin to sense this. Trust arodes from our friendships with lovers, friends, and family" (p 48).

OUCH!!! Reading that paragraph made me so uneasy. So splitting is done tto avoid shame, which made me upset because I've done it, but it is all to easy to do. I have read tons of stories online about guys who are interested in guys and have that secret side of them their wives don't know about. I am ashamed that sexuality is so defining and that it is such a big issue in things like religion, family, and stuff like that. I hate that, there are so many great people who are gay/lesbian. Unfortunately I'm not willing to come out and so I'm leading a life in shame.

I also had to defend splitting. It seems alright and though I may be living in shame and everything, fine. I mean for me I grew up in a Christian household and everything, knowing how my mom would not be ok with the stuff I have done/me liking guys. Anyways, I was thinking more and more about how long I will continue to split my lives. I was thinking about how I have a hard time getting it in my head that I would date a guy. I am hapy having people to hang around with and stuff like that. While I haven't had much experience with girls... obviously I'vehad more experience with guys thusfar, I was thinking about the hard time I have with the thought of me dating a guy. It goes against a lot about what I was taught. I was thinking and wondering what is it that I want in a guy vs. what would I want in a girl... just sorting through thoughts. I was thinking in a guy I like the physical contact, I like having a guy I can talk about guy stuff with, I like the hanging out and doing guy things, kind of like what I have going on with The Guy. But would I be able to grasp the whole having a boyfriend thing? In a girl I like having someone I can talk to/get advice from, someone to go places with, but the list sort of seemed to stop there. Already, what I have done with The Guy has been better than with the 2 previous girls and I feel more of an interest from him, even though I remain friends with the 2 ex's, I think that we were so focused on maintaining our friendship and whatnot that we didn't let things just happen etc etc. I haven't crossed girls off my list, I find a lot of women hot, but I guess at this point in my life I really want to explore guys. I can't help but think how already I've felt completely different with The Guy than with any girl I've been in a relat. with.

I was thinking how hard it would be for me to ask a guy out on a date because so many guys are just into sex, it would be hard to find a guy that has the same interests as me. It seems like there are some things it is easier to tell a girl than a man. I was thinking how even though The Guy is great, he is a great guy, great friend, whatnot, I want to meet more people. Not friends with benefits or anything, but I'm saying friends, guy friends to hang out with. I would love to have some guys IN MY CITY, my age to hang out with on a somewhat regular basis. No, I'm not getting tired of The Guy or anything, but it would be cool to have more guys to hang out with, perhaps closeted guys, stuff like that to talk about things like religion, thoughts of coming out, random stuff like that, or even just straight guy friends to hang out with. There really doesn't seem to be any closeted guys in my area.

Anyways, I began thinking about living at home and how it kind of sucks. I just have to get through the next 12 months or so with the house addition/remodel deal and then I was thinking how I'll have my own apt. deal and can invite ppl over as I want and please, so it will make things easier to meet people probably, or at least have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Then that got me thinking also- if I were to come out and whatnot, would I really be happier and would I just be avoiding shame by having my own place and having people over. Lately I'm thinking more and more I'll just kind of let my parents discover I'm having guys over and they can make their own conclusions, which to me seems easier... whether it'll play out like that, who knows. But I was wondering if being closeted is the reason for lonliness or what. I am a lot happier and less lonely now that I have met The Guy, but I was thinking how maybe having my own apt. I'd be pursuing guys constantly and perhaps still be building shame inside because I've not chose to settle down or have a serious relationship. I don't know, that did cross my mind. I am sure that I'll be a lot happier because it will be easier to have people over like guys and my parents won't be able to say no, but I guess I just don't want to get caught up and keep meeting random guys and whatnot, but need to focus on meaningful relationships and stuff. I don't know... I guess for right now and for me to come out is not what I want, so i will continue splitting my life.