June 1-10

Sunday, June 10, 2007
I got it bad.... THE FEELING. I am conflicted.
I think that pretty much says it. I am trying to not fall, but I am. I talk to The Guy practically everyday via phone or the internet. He makes me feel good and he cares for me I think. He respects me, listens to what I have to say, and I do the same for him.I think I have it bad though, in that I look forward to chatting with him everyday and when I don't I feel sad and upset. Got to chat with him today, but haven't seen him since last Sunday I think. I look forward to seeing him, and when I don't get to I again feel sad. I think he is a great guy and I really enjoy his company, which is a large part of the reason. Around him I feel something that I don't feel with others- maybe it is the attraction thing. I would say that it is stronger than with my previous girlfriends and I feel more deeply for him. I think that part of that is because I didn't want to hurt and ruin my friendships with my ex's. But with The Guy, I really care for him, I know that we have a friendship and I don't think that it will be ruined... I'm hoping and praying it won't be, but to see we can get along and stuff and whatnot I think we're safe. I think that him being some random guy that I met online has also helped since I didn't know him beforehand and so there was no friendship at stake or anything like that with my ex's, he has grownon me and I don't want to lose him.I feel like I have fallen for him and I have tried my hardest not to. REALLY. I think that a lot of it is because I enjoy his company and getting to see him on a regular basis has made me crave and want to be with him. He really is a fun guy to be around. With him, I found something that I had been looking for this year- acceptance and someone to hang around with. Something I wasn't finding at my college, so he has helped fill that void. When I'm not, I wonder where he is, what he is doing, stuff like that and if he is with another guy (jealousy and insecurity on my end...heh). I feel weird saying that I feel for a guy like this... I guess it is the heterosexual part of me kicking in. I guess part of it is I don't want him to lose interest in me and lose the friendship etc. I really like the guy as a friend and if he were to find someone, I don't want him to lose interest in me and suddenly forget about me. I think I've shown though, that I'm a pretty true friend, so I hope that won't happen.Also, being the caring, overanalyzing person I am have thought all about him... am I being bounding to him by not letting him pursue other relats. and whatnot, but I think the answer is no because usually he is the one who calls or IMs me. Another question I've asked myself is he tired of me, and I think the answer is no because he is the one who is IMing me.I swear, lately I've been thinking and if I could date him, I would. There is an age difference between us, while it feels strange I am ok with it. Not being out is a problem. I have been thinking about if I could make it work and I think I could come out to my dad safely, as long as my mom wouldn't find out. That would be hard to pull of though because this is something big and since my parents are together and whatnot it would be hard for her not to find out. My parents though, are noticing that I'm going out A LOT more. They have a new name for me. They're calling me Mr. Playboy and they're asking me each night if I have something planned, so maybe they know? Maybe they know I'm seeing someone (seeing as in hanging out, but like them?)I don't want to come out yet, as I've said before because of my mom and family issues, but I really do like him. I'm still, as I've said before like girls too, so I don't want to come out and then people see me with a girl... etc. etc. There is too much at stake right now if I do come out.My dad said he really doesn't care what I do and is pretty open to most things. I remember when in 10th grade my dad found a pic of guys on my computer and he just told me to be sure to delete it before my mom finds out; so he may know. I think he'd be fine and accepting. I don't however, want to have my mother find out because of the stuff I've said before. If I were to come out to my dad I think it would be hard for my mom to not find out. But if I were to come out to my dad and say that I was doing it for the sake of getting it off my chest and so I could somewhat start to stop hiding that part of me. I think my dad would be mostly fine, however I worry that in a moment of anger my dad would say something, hold it against me, and my mom would find out. I think it'd be hard to keep it from both parents.The Guy the past couple times I've seen him in person has talked about if I'm looking for a b/f and stuff and I say I want one, but there is the issue of not being out and I tell him, just to remind and reinforce the fact. Its like he is dropping me hints and stuff and I know he knows my situation. So I feel bad like I'm egging him on if he really does want me like that. He still checks out craigslist I know and so do I, but both of us haven't posted ads.I guess a lot of it is also I like that feeling- the feeling of somoene to hang with, someone who is interested in me, someone to talk to, and yes, someone who I am attracted to. He is a hot guy, I'm not going to lie. I think if he were to find a b/f I would be a little hurt for a while. Dang. 6 months ago I was just curious and exploring and now I have found someone who I am interested in and have the feeling for... I was honestly not looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend or anything and was fine with that. Now... dang!!! In some ways it is a good and is a blessing, but on another hand, it is a curse cuz I've met someone and I think I'm falling for them as much as I have tried not to.Anyways, just had to get some thoughts out and share with those of you who are just like me stuck in the closet who may understand or care about my situation.
Posted by Mike at 9:33 PM 2 comments
Labels: Guys, Thoughts

I'm not sure what Jessica Holmes from KTLA is wearing. The skirt/shorts look so frumpy. Since when did news people start dressing like that? I really cannot stand this girl. She is maybe 25 and does not know weather... or traffic for that matter. She won a contest afterall to be a weather person! Her voice is so squeaky like a mouse and like nails on a chalkboard. She is not that bright and I have witnessed several instances of her stupidity. Her only real TV experience was working on Slime Time LIve on Nickelodeon. There are many other deserving people trying to break into the LA market who have real talent. During the Catalina wildfires a few weeks back she said she heard something unusual that there were buffalo on the island and she was going to have to investigate... um.... no... wild boar, yes. She isn't pretty and KTLA is using her more and more and Mark Kriski less and less. I don't like that. She makes me turn the TV station everytime she is on, which lately I've been watching my Jillian Barberie in the mornings.Anyways, since my friends and I are nerds we watch a lot of news, then talk about the news as well as anchors/reporters on it. Being the nerd I am, I ran into my bedroom, grabbed my camera, and took a picture of her in this outfit to show them and give us something to talk about. Apparently we all can't stand her and all for the same reasons. We didn't know what she was wearing either. We all agreed it wasn't appropriate. Willa Sandmeyer should definitely go back to doing traffic for KTLA, not that Nicole Gonzalez girl who looks equally as young and frumpy as Jessica Holmes.Oh... and speaking of incompetence in the weather department at KTLA, I don't think Leeset Gosallez (that's how she pronounces it) is that talented either and has no weather experience prior to KTLA. Its a shame! She, like Jessica is cheap talent and apparently bad accents and voices are in at KTLA.
Posted by Mike at 9:37 AM 1 comments
Labels: News, Photos, Rants, Thoughts, TV

Saturday, June 9, 2007
I gotta get dressed up
My grandma always said that she had to dress up to go anywhere (no jeans, nice blouse, dress, skirt, something of that sort) because if she didn't, that would be the time she would see someone she knew and she'd feel embarrassed about not being dressed up. I remember one time we were in Walmart and my grandma was wearing blue jeans, she saw a woman who worked there she used to square dance with. My grandma had a rule to never wear jeans in public- only when working in the yard. Anytime my grandma would wear jeans across the street to the grocery store, post office, or drug store, she'd run into friends she hadn't seen in years, but she was old fashioned and always complained afterward about not being dressed up and feeling so dirty.I've realized what she said is completely true. This morning I went to the gym and so I had the t-shirt on I wore there. The t-shirt had multiple stains on it by the time I made it to the post office since I was cleaning the car. Then I figured since I was onlyy going to the post office I would wear the pajama bottoms I had on. I've seen people wear less there and more inappropriate stuff. To make matters worse I wore blue flip flops, I had not shaved since Thursday night, and my hair was not done. The post office is where we get the mail and is only a mile away, so I was just planning for a quick trip in and out... 30 seconds max, 2 minutes in the car.I figure who do I have to impress going to get the mail? But of course looking like I did, of course I was bound to run into someone... in fact 3 people... my neighbors from 2 doors down in the cul-de-sac, my 2nd/3rd grade teacher, and the parents of the girl who I went to prom with. I said hi and chit chatted with each of them, but I hate that it always works that way... when you don't get dressed up or even just putting on a pair of jeans or something to look halfway decent, you see someone you know and you feel like crap or dirty.Note to self: next time wear real shoes and take the time to change pants and do my hair... not that that will happen, but we'll see.
Posted by Mike at 2:02 PM 1 comments
Labels: clothing, My day, Photos, Thoughts

Friday, June 8, 2007
Next week is... FINALS WEEK
YEP!!! ALL THE TEACHING IS OVER AND ONLY 4 FINALS LEFT. I wish my finals were Monday and Tuesday, but I have 1 everyday with the exception of Wednesday. These 4 days can't go by fast enough. I'm only a junior, but already have a bad case of senioritis. I had no motivation this quarter. NONE. Part of it was my professors, part of it was the classes were boring, part of it was I didn't care, and the other was just wanting it all to be over. Oh well.I have 2 essays for English due Monday at 11 and that is my final.... should come out with an "A."Spanish will be no biggie on Tuesday. Just need to review for maybe 20 minutes and I should get an "A" out of that.Sports journalism Thursday may kill me. It is going to be writing an article about a press conference, but judging from my past grades in the class this can really help or hurt my grade. I like sports, specifically baseball, I like going to a game, but I learned I can't write about it. I tried. I got "B's" on the first 2 game stories (10% of the grade, each) I wrote and the last 3 I have written were "C-'s." CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. The last 3 were 10, 15, and 20% of the grades. The rest of the grade is attendance and participation... I should be ok there and get full credit. The final is the last part of the grade left. I hope I do well. I need at least a B on it I am thinking to have hope of getting higher than a C-. I would be pissed on numerous levels. First, it is an upper division class, so I need a C to pass. Second, I did work hard in that class. I tried. Third, I'm a good writer. I really am. I get "A's" on all my essays in every class. I have strong writing skills. I should be an English major. My teacher told me in my articles I was a strong writer, just that I couldn't write sports, then didn't tell me how I could write sports, even after asking him. He just showed me articles he wrote... full of himself? yes. The teacher did not give much instruction/explanation how to write an article, so I was on my own. Oh well... moving on. I'm not going to dwell, bitch, or whine about that anymore because I don't like any of that and if you're taking the time to read this, I'm sure you don't either. I can just say I tried my best.Anth o/ Mexicans should be relatively easy. My paper I turned in today should be a "B" or "A" I'm guessing. Then we have to write 2 essays for the final on 2 random themes discussed in class and provide support. Easy enough... maybe an hour or 2 of studying is required. Hope to walk out with a "B" or "A."
Posted by Mike at 4:44 PM 0 comments
Labels: My future, School

Thursday, June 7, 2007
I dreamed I came out
It is rare that I remember a dream I had, but the night before last I dreamed I came out. I was driving with my dad in his car and it was as the sun was setting. We were talking about packing stuff up in our house. My dad said he was going to tackle the garage. I told him that all the toys in the tubs out there can be thrown away. My dad then looked at me and told me my mom would want to save them though for when I have kids. I said she wants to save everything and I don't think saving a few toys now just so we don't have to buy them later is reasonable. It is just junk laying around. He then laughed and said, but you'll need these 10 years down the road. Then my dad turned and looked toward me while he was sitting in the passenger seat. He said, "oh wait, you're not having kids," I guess we don't need these toys. I asked what that was supposed to mean and he said "well, I'm not sure you're getting married." I asked why not, he said, "well I thought you liked guys." I said, "I guess." Then my dad just told me to keep it a secret from my mom.That was it, that was the dream. It seemed so real though and like something that could happen right now. It was like something that could happen from my life right now. We're packing up stuff in our house as we prepare to move into my grandma's house. I woke up and remember thinking it was real and wondering if it was.
Posted by Mike at 8:00 AM 1 comments
Labels: Thoughts

Tuesday, June 5, 2007
This is why I tutor
I just got back from the banquet for the program I tutor for. It went well. VERY well actually. There was plenty food... good food at that... enchiladas, lasagna, spaghetti, TONS of chicken, all kinds of potatoes, rice, and desserts. GOOD deal.I will admit I DID NOT WANT TO GO. I went because I was being paid. NO LIE. I wanted to do other things tonight like watch TV. really. Watching TV and relaxing tonight sounded soooo good after all the packing and other stuff I've been doing.The potluck portion was first. Then we had the awards portion for the most improved students, those students who most represent the program I tutor for, the highest GPA, and the most helpful student in each class. I totally agree with the most improved students and thinking back it is amazing. One kid, A in 2nd period is amazing. He went from being shy first semester, having an F, and being the little kid in back of the class to what he is now. Man... he is a freshman, but I still like him... he has a "B" right now. He is turning in all of his work and everytime us tutors come in the room he has to say "hi" to us or tell us how we need to give him a good grade. I don't know what happened, but he has turned it around. That makes me happy.After the kids got awards, the tutors got awards unexpectedly. Mrs. S, the coordinator said that there are so many parts of the program, but one of the most important is the tutors. Then she called us each up individually (I was surprised how I got a lot of applause going up and screams... I was keeping track... Gonzo and I got the most... hah) and presented us with Juice It Up AND Macaroni Grill gift cards. Then Mrs. C, who will be the new coordinator next year and always thinks of others before herself... like she had her class write a letter to the teacher who had most impact on them during teacher appreciation week. She had the kids write letters to us tutors and type them up. There are 8 of us tutors, but they had to write one at least 1/2 a page to each of us and she presented them when we were up there along with everyone who was there from her class.I was kind of wondering what each kid said and so I'm here at home reading the letters. I don't get choked up easily, but man... there are the kids who really don't care and you don't touch and just did this because they had to. Then there were some letters that really had an impact on me.Here are a few things that some of the kids wrote to me that really made me feel good...A sophomore in 2nd period wrote that he is glad that I am the only guy tutor because I'm really cool, but he doesn't feel intimidated to talk or ask me questions like he does with all the girl tutors. This guy pissed me off at the beginning of the schoolyear because he didn't do his work. Now, nearly everytime I go to that class he has a question about math or history. We have some good discussions... we were discussing what went wrong in Vietnam today and the key players.1 guy in the class said, "Mike, Thanks for being a hard butt and grading me down on tutorial and notebook even if it was something small like not writing the date in pen. Thanks for dealing with me when I argued with you about it. Thank you for not backing down and standing firm on what you said Thanks for being so hard on us, because this shows that you care, you want us to succeed, life is not easy, and you don't take crap and let people walk all over you and you don't back down. That makes you a strong person. I think a lot of people think you're a butt because of that, but I know, and most of us in this class know that you just want the best for us, which is why you don't take our crap and you are hard on us. You are really what the program stands for because you want us to succeed and the program is about succeeding Are you coming back next year? I'm ready for you and ready for you to be a butt again." * I love how he substituted butt for ass.A girl who is kind of slow mentally, but she really is brilliant when you let her shine said that she wants to thank me for not laughing at her and always encouraging her. I would never laugh at her... I get frustrated, but I try not to let that show and just understand that it will take her longer to grasp something than most kids.Anyways, this really made me kind of sad, yet happy to read all of these letters, so I thought I'd share... it made my day. I mean some of the letters were sort of blah, and I expected that, but to see that I am able to truly help some kids and stuff like that make it totally worth it.
Posted by Mike at 7:42 PM 1 comments
Labels: My day, Thoughts, Work

Dressing really casual
I don't care anymore...It is the end of the year as far as I'm concerned. The high school still has 3 weeks. Graduation is June 20, but as far as I'm concerned I'm checked out. I am still working, but I don't care about anything. I am there to help the kids, and I will continue to do that, but as far as dress I don't care.I usually dress relatively nice everyday as I've said before. The principal has a strict dress code that I mentioned before ... and I mentioned how the teachers dressed. Jeans are only allowed on Friday, even though I wear jeans most everyday. I usually dress relatively nice like a polo or nice t-shirt, but I'm getting really casual as the year comes to an end....I guess it is at the point where the principal has pissed me off I feel like rebelling. I'm not going into how mad he made me the other day. I also feel that since I was told when I was hired as long as I follow the student dress code I am fine... so that's what I'm doing.Yesterday I wore this shirt and beige khakis.
Today I wore track pants and my cool(?) new Tutor t-shirt. My coworkers had this shirt made for me for our banquet at work tonight for the kids.Here are some shirts I plan to wear in the future:


Posted by Mike at 1:18 PM 0 comments
Labels: clothing, My day, Photos, Work

Monday, June 4, 2007
Enjoy a random pic

Posted by Mike at 7:47 AM 1 comments
Labels: Photos, Random

Sunday, June 3, 2007
Deep conversation and great bj's
What's up everyone? Hope you all had a good weekend. Went shopping with the family for my sister for a graduation dress yesterday. Only good thing was we ate out at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. Last night I just laid around and did a little homework.This morning I went to the grocery store, it is a Sunday tradition. I wrote my 10 page paper for Anthropology this afternoon (GO ME!) It is due Friday at 12. I spent a lot of time inbetween talking to The Guy about computers since I said my sister might be getting a Mac for graduation since she is going to go into journalism/graphic design. The Guy loves Macs, so he got to tell me all about them and stuff like that, which made for some good convo. He can get me any Mac software I need for free. He convinced me I needed a study break and so after dinner I went over to his place. Got to his house as Home Depot was leaving from installing his dishwasher. The Guy now wants to redo his whole kitchen and buy a new refrigerator that is stainless steel and a new stainless steel stove. Then we went into the living room and watched the end of Nanny McPhee. Not a good movie. The Guy was instant messaging a friend on the computer and said that The Guy should have known where a button on the computer was he was looking for since afterall he works with computers. Maybe The Guy works at a computer repair shop? We were talking about general computer stuff and The Guy definitely does know computers. He knows pc and macs.We went to Target to look for Quakes with ranch and didn't find any. The Guy and I talked about what we've been up to. He is opening up more, which I like. I'm able to find out more about him. His parents live in Palm Springs, so obviously they have to be very gay accepting. Learned his dog was from a litter of 13. We went to Staters and found Quakes. We talked about how I don't have any gay or hot friends, how I need some, stuff like that. Told The Guy about me going to that party the other night and all the stuff I learned. He told me about a party he went to last night at the Disneyland hotel that a friend threw and didn't go so well, so he felt really bad. Talked about random guys he has met and how they think he is boring... how we have a good friendship going... how he doesn't meet a lot of guys like me where we connect like that... the types of guys I like... stuff like that. We talked about music and idiot drivers in the car. I was getting really flirty in the car and started making moves... held his hand when he put it on the armrest... touched his shoulder... made lots of eye contact.Went back to his place and we watched Over the Hedge. It was a stupid movie, but we talked about how animated movies like this are pretty cool and how there are no good movies out- both of us have no motivation to see Spiderman or Pirates... gasp! He talked about how he was at 3 theatres last week in the OC and all were showing only 3 movies. Well, after Over the Hedge, the guy was moving all over the house from the bathroom to the spare bedroom, to the kitchen. Finally after a few minutes I get up to go and look for him and can't find him. He asks what I'm looking for. He is in the bedroom under the covers nude. I come over and crawl in with him. I suck him off and do that for a REALLLLLLY long time. Told him to suck me and he did. MAN IT WAS SOOOOOO HOT. He was really into it and we were there 69'ing and just sucking each other. We went on for 45 minutes!!! Then we did lots of making out. He was sucking my chin, I was kissing his ear area, then there was lots of mouth to mouth. He kisses so much better during sex, than just sitting on the couch. Him licking my prickly chin was sooooooo hot and it sent a tingling feeling throughout my body. VERY HOT!!! I was getting up and repositioning myself as he shot his load and it went all over my face. He then smeared it there. I shot on his balls. Then it was showertime. We talked about hair and how I shouldn't bleach my hair, but how blond highlights or streaks would look good in it. Then I told him how sexy his hair was that he had put gold highlights in it. He has dark brown hair. Then we both dressed and called it a night. He was tired... he's always tired after messing around. It was late and I told my parents I'd be home about 10:45. Made it home in record time. Left his house at 9:43 and got home at 10:20. I came home a little different way than usual, encountered a little more traffic, but less stop lights and stop signs. He is 40 minutes away, by the way, or was, or maybe I was just really lucky. I know I was doing the speed limit... ha.
Posted by Mike at 10:58 PM 0 comments
Labels: Guys, My day, Sex and religion, Thoughts

Saturday, June 2, 2007
Theater house party with cousin and friend
My cousin designed the makeup for a play at her college. A friend of mine from high school was also in it. It was some British sex comedy called "Noises Off". Last night was opening night and so my cousin and friend invited me. The play... 2 intermissions... and worst of all IT WAS NOT FUNNY. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor and can find somehting funny and I'm not 100% serious all the time, but that wasn't funny. I'm sorry. It was not good. The British accents in the play were sooooooo fake. THE ACTING WAS TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE. It was a 2 3/4 hour play.Afterward was the cast party at the lead's house and my friend invited me as well as my cousin. I was a "wallflower" all evening as my friend put it. I think if I knew the people better, I would have been around talking, but I didn't. I stood around talking to my friend and my cousin. We sat on the couch in the living room talking while everyone was running around dancing or taking shots. We sat and had Smirnoff Ices on the couch. We had some good conversations... how she is 23 and still has to hide that she is going out (and it is harder for her to convince her grandparents to let her to go out) than it is for me to convince my parents. We talked how she still lives at home. All the stuff going on with her grandparents and how they'd never approve of any of this. How my mom is hard to convince to let me go out. How Disneyland is the best excuse. Talked about stuff and secrets I have my cousin would never believe... Also learned about all the family secrets... sex... that's what alcohol will do... good stuff... I learned lots. I just had 1 Smirnoff and my cousin had 2. Definitely have to go out with the cousin again if the opportunity comes around.My friend said I needed to be more social, but I was content since I didn't know anyone just kind of hanging around. My friend tried to get me to go around and introduce me to people. I didn't feel like I had anything in common with anyone since they're all theater people and also because I don't know anyone there. I kind of retreated back to where my cousin was.My friend did get me to dance. I danced with him... yes... that was interesting... he said he didn't think I had the guts to do it, so I did. It was a bit awkward, but I figured I can always use alcohol as an excuse. I also danced with some random girls at the party. One of them who was not hot at all gave me a lap dance. She was not hot, but she is really into dancing and was going around doing that for all the guys. We danced to Beyonce and Shakira. My cousin just sat and laughed and I said none of this can come out to family and she pretty much agreed. I'm going to keep checking up on facebook to make sure none of the photos that were taken of me last night end up there and stuff like that... hah. Hopefully since nobody really knew my name at the party, they can't tag me. It was quite fun even though I was a wallflower all evening. I would have liked to talk to more people and whatnot, but it was cool. Got home at 3:45a.m. DANG... I had to get up at 8. I made it. 4 hours of sleep. That's this quarter... it has been so random and crazy just like that. My dad got up when I got home and asked if I had a good time at Dennys. I had to laugh and say yes. It sounded like he knew I really wasn't at Dennys. At least I know not to get drunk and whatnot, so I can remember what happened and I was able to tell the parents about what my cousin said about the family and so my story was believable.
Posted by Mike at 11:15 AM 0 comments
Labels: family, My day